Marriage in a mess

[Claire963]

Hi,

I am married for 1.5 years. Just after our honeymoon ended, my married life is in a mess. Let me describe from the beginning. My husband and me both are software professionals and after our honeymoon we both were awfully busy with our offices but once he came home, I wanted to talk to him, wanted to discuss things with him but he believed that till the time he could handle his tensions he wont share them with me and expected the same from me, while I thought of discussing everything and finding solutions together. Even when he did sex it was just a matter of maximum 5 minutes and then I was asked to go to bed without any discussion. He loves cleanliness and kept the house sparkling even before marriage and once I came he expected that I would follow the same. I swear by God I always tried my level best but still couldn't reach his expectations. Once I argued with him and I could no longer manage a very clean house and my 10hours of office together. He became so angry that he bet me and later applied medicine on my wounds. I was so frustrated. Now till the time I didn't say anything things were fine, but the moment I refused I got a beating. I had taken me for granted. In my frustration I went to my mom and uncle and told them everything. They became so upset and came to my husband and rebuked him and said many bad words to him. They asked me not to go back to him but the moment I went back to collect my things I saw the my husband had become very weak and he cried and asked me to forgive. At that Time I had to go for an official tour for 3 months so I went and when I came back I went to him. He said that it was a fault from both sides and now no beating would ever happen.I love him deeply and I wanted to give both another chance. He got his transfer to another city so that none of our relatives can come between us. But least did I know that he did this on purpose so that even if there is a fight I couldn't go back to my home and so that he did not face my family any time in future. My grandfather died a few weeks ago and I asked him to call my mom and feel sorry for my grandfather's death but he said that he has no relation with that family and in life will never ever see them again. He still cannot last for more than 5 minutes in bed but that is no as frustrating as trying to explain him that relations are not meant to be broken apart like this. I came to another city to give ourselves another chance and not to break terms with my family. Now its my sister's marriage and he has asked me to go alone. If I try to explain that my parents scolded him because he was wrong in raising hand on me he gets so irritated that he starts shouting and uses bad words for me. For me marriage meant to be like a fairy tale in which your prince takes care of you and protects you and you live happily ever-after but it has turned opposite. He cares for me and says that he will never leave me. But then why can't he understand me. He does not believe in roses or teddy or candle night dinner or birthdays and says that its not practical to spend money on such matters gather collect all money and go out for one weekend. If I ask him to buy any jewelery for me then he says that what would I do hanging everything around me. I earn well so now I have stopped asking him for anything. I could buy it earlier also but if he could only say that I could bring anything for you that would have been the biggest gift rather than saying that I make useless demands. Now I have stopped saying anything to me. I cook and go to my office and then we go to bed. We have sex have he is willing and max for 5 minutes before I could even feel anything things are packed up. I love him and I don't know if things could work if I remarry. Am I too demanding or I need to give him space and for rest of my life keep my parents away from him.I want to make this work. He loves me its just he is a little stubborn but its not necessary that remarriage could be different. I spoke to him about sex and he is willing to meet a doc for that but my parents never in life. I have not visited my mom for the past 4 months( My father expired long back) and I really feel worried for her since she is very old now. Sorry for such a lengthy quote but please I need your advice.

[whichwayisup]

Your husband has huge problems, issues. He abuses you, hits you and his behaviour (playing weak and pulling on your heart strings) is typical of someone who is an abuser.

 

I know deep down you know what you must do.. Pack a bag and leave him. Wait till he goes to work and then just go. Be with your mom, she is important to you.

 

Tell your family you're leaving, let them help you get out of this. They love you and want you safe, what's best for you.

 

Stay strong and if need be, do not be afraid to call 911 if your H lays a hand on you, or if you feel threatened.

 

Again, let your family help and get counseling because what your H has done to you is so wrong - Noone should have to suffer like this.

 

Hugs and take care, keep posting.

[You Go Girl]

Claire,

You do need to realize first that your husband moved you to another town so that you would be far from your family. That doesn't help you at all, and will only hurt you. It is simply a method of trying to disconnect you from your family.

Your husband doesn't understand marriage. It is going to take a lot of education and awareness for him to understand what makes a marriage work.

I can tell that you don't want to give up on this marriage yet. Ask him if he will go to a marriage counselor with you. If he refuses, then go to individual counseling, and spend weekends with your family away from him until he will go to counseling with you--and tell him that is why you won't spend weekends at home.

He may finally give in to counseling. I think he will resist at first. He may also decide just to pick fights with you- so be prepared for that as a possible outcome.

But if you don't take a strong approach to solving these problems--you will only become sadder and feel more isolated, especially from your family. I don't want to log in on this site and see that in five years you are more miserable than ever.

[rina_r]

Your husband is an abuser! Get away and keep safe for your own sake!

[quankanne]

lotta red flags in your post:

 

1. he is an abuser, and he is doing his best to isolate you from your family, as well as break your spirit

 

2. while I understand you have high hopes, some of your writing reflects a very immature view of marriage. A husband is NOT some mythical fairy tale creature sent to indulge a woman's whims, he's a flesh and blood creature with a mind of his own. The best you can hope for and work toward is a happy medium between the two of you, which takes a lot of compromise and good will on both ends, even when you don't feel like doing either. If you're lucky, you end up with a guy who is loyal to you and who champions you even if he doesn't want whatever it is for himself, because he understands just how important certain things are to you.

 

you need to seriously consider counselling for one or the both of you, and start thinking about options that include divorce. Because I honestly don't believe he is going to willingly change those things about himself that are unhealthy, abusers rarely – if ever – do.

[asireen]

Looks like this is a couple from India. Solutions to marital problems in India are somewhat different from the west. It is not easy for the wife to just pack up and leave and divorce is not a straightforward process compared to the west.

 

This is an imcompatible marriage. Do not have children with this man. You may want to talk with a good divorce lawyer. It will be a long process. First you may have to separate for a long time (I think a year so so) and then to finally divorce. You definitely need good professional legal advise.

[tommyr]

He became so angry that he bet me and later applied medicine on my wounds.

 

Nothing else in your post is even remotely relevant.

Call the police.

File charges for abuse.

Move to a safe place.

Protect yourself.

[carhill]

Looks like this is a couple from India.

 

If so and they live in India, she has strong laws to protect her, both from domestic violence and economic impacts. I read with special interest laws about dowry and circumstances where, with spousal complaint, the man *and his parents* could be arrested and jailed. Indeed a very different place and culture.

 

I think it would be helpful if the OP indicated where they live, like in the US/UK/India, etc. That might help with practical advice. My simple advice would be to get some space to think clearly. Take some time off work and visit family or something. Just go.

[Claire963]

Hello,

 

I am separating from my husband and this post which showed the agony I faced all throughout my married life is a proof that I was a VICTIM of GRAVE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

 

It is therefore a sincere request that this post is not deleted.

 

My Husband had destroyed all the emails that I had sent to his family members asking for help.

 

I use to write a dairy and he tore that also. So please let this Thread remain.

 

He is a Criminal and I am fighting against him.

 

Please don't delete this thread.

 

Thanks

[dreamingoftigers]

They won't delete it.

 

Glad to hear you are going.

 

You posted just before I joined this site.

 

I am glad to see that even though years have gone by, you refuse to acclimatize yourself to his viciousness and stay. Good!

 

Get out of there! Fight tooth and nail legally!