Day 6 NC..struggling with withdrawal and desperate to reconnect to husband...

[jwi71]

. You have to decide the disclosure issue for yourself. But, if you cannot give him 110%, you owe it to both of you to move on.

 

How can she give 110% when she holds this back?

In that case, in my line of thinking, she is then giving maybe 90%? Less? In any case, keep the secret is certainly NOT giving it your all.

 

And if that's your point, then I agree...she tells and tries to salvage it or files for D.

[Samantha0905]

 

I never stopped loving my H, but 10 years of marriage can present many, many obstacles. I don't justify my actions because of them, but they have contributed to the situation. Rarely is one party in a relationship 100% at fault when things go wrong. What use is there in beating myself up over my actions constantly, when I could be spending that useful time and energy fixing my marriage?

 

I agree 100%.

[ladydesigner]

How can she give 110% when she holds this back?

In that case, in my line of thinking, she is then giving maybe 90%? Less? In any case, keep the secret is certainly NOT giving it your all.

 

And if that's your point, then I agree...she tells and tries to salvage it or files for D.

 

I am currently giving it my all and I have not disclosed my past A. It is not standing in my way and I feel it would only hinder the process of recovering my M. I do not think it ALWAYS needs to be disclosed. There is no way my H could ever find out and if he does I will be honest with him, but at this point my A was a mistake and it was done in revenge to his A.

 

I do not believe in a marriage not recovering because the A is never disclosed. My therapist agrees.

[Samantha0905]

I am currently giving it my all and I have not disclosed my past A. It is not standing in my way and I feel it would only hinder the process of recovering my M. I do not think it ALWAYS needs to be disclosed. There is no way my H could ever find out and if he does I will be honest with him, but at this point my A was a mistake and it was done in revenge to his A.

 

I do not believe in a marriage not recovering because the A is never disclosed. My therapist agrees.

 

I agree with you right now. I may feel differently after going to IC, but right now I see no reason to announcing it and I think it may actually hinder any recovery possible. It doesn't stand in my way either as I don't feel some big guilty compulsion to tell. It seems to me that would just cause all sorts of unnecessary pain.

[viennawaits]

Im sorry you feel this way.. but most of us mean well. Why should we sugar coat to make the other poster feel better. Its better to be honest and give tough love when necessary than to paint a rosy picture.

 

Its good to hear the good/bad/ugly and have "her" (not you) decide whats best for her.

 

If I needed sugar coating, I'd go to the candy store. This is simply the difference between constructive additions to the conversations and completely worthless and mean-spirited ones.

 

Telling someone in a brutally honest manner that they are making mistakes is fine. I NEVER presumed to make her decision for her. I told her my own story, because I am farther down this road than she is. That is it! I told her what is working for me and what is not. That is what the forum is

about.

 

Tough love requires love. When there is no love in the post, I am also brutally honest about it. As I said, this serves no purpose.

 

So, go ahead and lay it on me. I promise I can take it without withering into a helpless, weeping ball of mush.

[viennawaits]

How can she give 110% when she holds this back?

In that case, in my line of thinking, she is then giving maybe 90%? Less? In any case, keep the secret is certainly NOT giving it your all.

 

And if that's your point, then I agree...she tells and tries to salvage it or files for D.

 

I personally believe this is possible if the NC stays in tact. Others will disagree. That being said, I did disclose this information to my husband and feel good about that choice, too. I am not a psychotherapist. This is well above my pay grade.

 

That being said, I am currently in the salvage it or leave it stage, and I know how hard that is. I was at the point of leaving H 7 years ago due to his sever drinking problem, and I sometimes honestly think that if I had only done that, none of this would have ever happened. I cannot turn back the clock. 15 years with him, 10 years faithful and supportive even through really rough times. If, if, if....

 

Constantly living in the past is not healthy. We cannot take pain of the past away completely, but we can change the future dynamic to a more healthy one or we can leave and take away the possibility of inflicting future pain. That is the choice for the cheating spouse....

[ilovenewyork]

Hello again.

 

My God thank you all sooo much for your support. I cannot tell you what it means to have a way of talking about this with someone/many people (?).

 

Jeff you couldn't be further from the truth about me 'running' back to my H now the affair is over. If you re-read my initial post you will see that I CHOSE to end the affair. I never stopped loving my husband. I made a mistake, a huge huge one. I felt so weak when I posted this thread and came here for advice and support. I was prepared for some straight talking but not sarcasm - I take full responsibility for what I have done and am trying to get on the right path again. Your post hurt.

 

Viennawaits....thank you for fighting my corner honey. You are a star and have given me lots to think about - our stories seem similar. H and I were childhood sweethearts - together 18 years this year and yes there have been many obstacles to deal with along with the way and issues that I don't really want to disclose on this forum. These don't excuse the affair but need raising when I go to IC. Thank you again.

 

Everybody else - thank you. I am currently undecided about disclosure of the affair. Some people say the marriage doesn't stand a chance if I don't disclose, others say the opposite. I need more advice. I have my first appt with IC on Wednesday, will see what their take is on it. Never had counselling before, not sure what to expect. I am prepared for it to hurt, I am prepared for more pain.

 

Can't believe I am on Day 10 of NC. Never lasted longer than a few hours before.

 

Will let you all know what I decide about disclosure. Really not sure what is best. For now it's hour by hour re-building my life and marriage.

Edited February 10, 2010 by ilovenewyork

[jwi71]

I personally believe this is possible if the NC stays in tact. Others will disagree. That being said, I did disclose this information to my husband and feel good about that choice, too. I am not a psychotherapist. This is well above my pay grade.

 

Again, just like the OP...if you withheld information (your numerous ONS's for example)...then how can you develop true intimacy and closeness with the lies in between?

 

Its like a self-fulfilling prophecy...you cannot reconnect because you haven't fully disclosed to allow the "reconnect" to happen. I tried that sentence like three times before I liked it. Its why I say either disclose or file for D...because otherwise I don't think the connection even has a chance to reform.

 

That being said, I am currently in the salvage it or leave it stage, and I know how hard that is. I was at the point of leaving H 7 years ago due to his sever drinking problem, and I sometimes honestly think that if I had only done that, none of this would have ever happened. I cannot turn back the clock. 15 years with him, 10 years faithful and supportive even through really rough times. If, if, if....

 

Constantly living in the past is not healthy. We cannot take pain of the past away completely, but we can change the future dynamic to a more healthy one or we can leave and take away the possibility of inflicting future pain. That is the choice for the cheating spouse....

 

Start a new thread...your old one is, uh, old.

Don't want to TJ too much...

[jwi71]

My God thank you all sooo much for your support. I cannot tell you what it means to have a way of talking about this with someone/many people (?).

 

Its what we're here for...listen, learn (even the views you don't like) and see what makes sense to YOU.

Everybody else - thank you. I am currently undecided about disclosure of the affair. Some people say the marriage doesn't stand a chance if I don't disclose, others say the opposite

The others just don't know they're wrong and I'm right...tell. That's tongue in cheek...(but still tell)

 

. I need more advice. I have my first appt with IC on Wednesday, will see what their take is on it. Never had counselling before, not sure what to expect. I am prepared for it to hurt, I am prepared for more pain.

Just like anything in life, you get out of IC what YOU put into it.

Yes, its scary at first. Yes, its hard to admit "stuff". Yes, its hard to hear his.her responses. And even harder still are the questions asked of you. However, there is a point where it sorta clicks and you look forward to IC. When you get there...you're almost done.

 

One step at a time.

 

Can't believe I am on Day 10 of NC. Never lasted longer than a few hours before.

Good...keep it up.

One day at a time.

 

Will let you all know what I decide about disclosure. Really not sure what is best. For now it's hour by hour re-building my life and marriage.

Either way there are consequences...revelation or not.

One step at a time for now...

[Jeff1962]

There is honesty and then there is judgement with a side of sarcasm. I know the difference, thank you.

 

 

 

That is exactly what you are here to do.

 

 

 

Of course that is what you'd do!!!

 

You cannot know my full circumstances or this woman's. It just gives you a little joy to bash her. It is that simple.

 

I never stopped loving my H, but 10 years of marriage can present many, many obstacles. I don't justify my actions because of them, but they have contributed to the situation. Rarely is one party in a relationship 100% at fault when things go wrong. What use is there in beating myself up over my actions constantly, when I could be spending that useful time and energy fixing my marriage?

 

It is a coward that would walk away from a 15 year relationship instead of trying to make things right. I will not be a coward. I have to live with what I did every day. I gain no joy from it.

 

She didn't "need" to hear this sort of self-righteous cr@p, you just happened to offer it.

 

So if I speak the truth of the matter as I see it, I am self righteous accroding to you. I see now. So, I'm supposed to lie and tell a person what they want to hear? This is just not going to happen.

 

I never stated that people who have affairs STOP loving their spouse. I stated that an affair is selfesh, self serving. There is no love in selfesh.

 

Since we are talking "cowards" if you have an affair, are you facing your issues or running away like a coward? You walked away from your marriage emotionally when you cheated. Don't pull this self righteous crap on me. You own what you do. I understand that we are all only human and we make mistakes. The truth hurts the most.

[fooled once]

 

I never stopped loving my H, but 10 years of marriage can present many, many obstacles. I don't justify my actions because of them, but they have contributed to the situation. Rarely is one party in a relationship 100% at fault when things go wrong. What use is there in beating myself up over my actions constantly, when I could be spending that useful time and energy fixing my marriage?

 

It is a coward that would walk away from a 15 year relationship instead of trying to make things right. I will not be a coward. I have to live with what I did every day. I gain no joy from it.

 

In MY view --

 

Marriage has obstacles -- but the answer isn't to enter into an affair. Marriage isn't always roses and sunshine. Issues arise over time, ranging from finances, kids, health, etc.

 

Having an affair = being a coward in my view. Instead of facing those challenges a long marriage may bring, the cheater seeks outside interference.

 

someone who cheats NEEDS to spend time asking themselves over and over again WHY they chose the route they did.

 

To have the attitude of "well, I am not going to beat myself up, instead NOW I am going to work on my marriage" is kinda messed up. Where was that thought before entering the affair?

 

I do wonder if the only reason the original poster decided to work on her marriage is because she realized the affair was going no-where, her affair partner is NOT making any move to end his marriage.

 

I just hope that the marriage can be salvageable, but I don't think it can be without 100% open, honest discussions, which includes the affair. I know many think you shouldn't tell, but that in my view just continues the cycle of dishonesty and leaves the door open to doing it again ~ the thinking of "I didn't get caught the first time, and since we are having problems again, I can cheat again and he won't be the wiser".

[NowhereToHide]

Okay... I haven't read every response here, but I will tell you that the prevailing thinking with those on LS is that an affair must ALWAYS be disclosed. You will also find that it is the BSs primarily that say that.

 

You will be told repeatedly that you can NEVER reconnect with your husband if you don't tell, that you will ALWAYS have this getting in the way of your intimacy, that the betrayed spouse ALWAYS finds out no matter what, that there are NO healthy marriages that survive infidelity unless it is disclosed....

 

What this equates to is black and white thinking. The world is not black and white.

 

I had an A and I have not disclosed it to my H. I also know others who have had affairs and have not disclosed. As Devil Inside has surmised, there are more affairs out there that we NEVER hear about because the two individuals have gone their separate ways never to discuss it again.

 

What it comes down to is what you feel you need to do based on your individual circumstances. And, yes, and IC will help you with this. I have spent countless sessions on this very topic with my IC, even recently. And we have always come to the same conclusion which is not to tell. That's not to say that you may come to a different conclusion. But everyone must evaluate their situation for themselves.

 

This is a VERY hot topic on these boards. Those of us who have not disclosed are repeatedly bashed because of our decision. Here's the thing, I still may decided to disclose my A at some point... but it's not going to be because of strangers on a message board bullying me into doing it. I will do it because I know it's the best decision in my situation.

 

You have moved on from your A. That's a huge start. I, too, lost a ton of weight and was put on antidepressants, so I feel you. It's time for you to heal -- and that is what you need to do first before making any huge decisions. Get yourself emotionally healthy. Only then will you be able to move forward.

 

Good luck.

[ilovenewyork]

Just a quickie as I am rushing off to work, will reply more tonight.

 

Fooledonce - I didn't end the affair as it was going nowhere and MM wasn't leaving. XMM moved out which was followed by (as he predicted all along) his ex stopping him seeing the child which was followed by the courts intervening and him being given joint access. He didn't return home and is still renting an apartment next to his work. I chose to end the affair regardless of all this.

Edited February 11, 2010 by ilovenewyork

[lkjh]

Samantha,

if you want to base your advice on a made for lifetime movie concept than feel free. But, if you take the time and research a few of these forums you will see that there are hundreds of post on here about people dealing with affairs that have been ongoing, ended or some other weird category for years and years. Everyone that has tried to take the sneaky short cut has had it blow up in their face. A select few get away with it but they are still on here years after its "over" seeking advice. When I recommended she confess it was because A) judging by the hundreds of similar post it seems to be the only method that truly moves people forward. Yes it does some of the times end in divorce but that is because of the affair not the honesty. B) the H has a right to know. You may believe that marriage is all about one person(yourself) and you can spin this in your head to actually believe its not selfish but her H does have a right to know because its his life too. C) it really is common knowledge that IC are about keeping the individual happy not doing what is best for the M. You can once again try to convince yourself that you have to put yourself first in order to make a M work, but that is just your opinion. My advice is based off the concept that M is about putting your family first and I really don't care if you agree with it. Each of us are entitled to our own opinion even if you don't like it

 

ilny,

This is your H's life as well. He has a right to know what is going on it. He has stood by you for many years and the least you can do is show him enough respect to be honest with him. Plus do you really think that you can go 20+ years holding this from him. You will be shocked how many things will remind you of your infidelity. Whether its a movie, book, joke, song, or just talking to friends. Do whats right and do it soon. It will be hard but nothing in life is easy. If you choose to hide it be prepared to have it over over your head for life. You will be on these boards for years trying to find the answer to all of this.

 

You did something horrible and there is no magic solution that will make it all better. Good luck and I hope you do the right thing

[lkjh]

Okay... I haven't read every response here, but I will tell you that the prevailing thinking with those on LS is that an affair must ALWAYS be disclosed. You will also find that it is the BSs primarily that say that.

 

You will be told repeatedly that you can NEVER reconnect with your husband if you don't tell, that you will ALWAYS have this getting in the way of your intimacy, that the betrayed spouse ALWAYS finds out no matter what, that there are NO healthy marriages that survive infidelity unless it is disclosed....

 

What this equates to is black and white thinking. The world is not black and white.

 

I had an A and I have not disclosed it to my H. I also know others who have had affairs and have not disclosed. As Devil Inside has surmised, there are more affairs out there that we NEVER hear about because the two individuals have gone their separate ways never to discuss it again.

 

What it comes down to is what you feel you need to do based on your individual circumstances. And, yes, and IC will help you with this. I have spent countless sessions on this very topic with my IC, even recently. And we have always come to the same conclusion which is not to tell. That's not to say that you may come to a different conclusion. But everyone must evaluate their situation for themselves.

 

This is a VERY hot topic on these boards. Those of us who have not disclosed are repeatedly bashed because of our decision. Here's the thing, I still may decided to disclose my A at some point... but it's not going to be because of strangers on a message board bullying me into doing it. I will do it because I know it's the best decision in my situation.

 

You have moved on from your A. That's a huge start. I, too, lost a ton of weight and was put on antidepressants, so I feel you. It's time for you to heal -- and that is what you need to do first before making any huge decisions. Get yourself emotionally healthy. Only then will you be able to move forward.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Do you really believe that people on these boards are trying to bully you? Aren't you free to ignore them and leave the boards whenever you want? You asked for advice involving your affair and people have given it to you, then you ignore it and try to find a way to get the A out of your life and you can't. Have you not noticed that asking for advice and talking with other people who have had an affair is just your way of trying to cope with this and none of it is working?

 

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result. Im not a huge fan of quoting intelligent people just to make a point but this definition is amazingly true. You can look for alternatives for the next 30 years and nothing will work. I am sorry but that is the truth.

 

Which believe it or not is a good thing. The proves that you feel guilt which some people don't. You can continue to avoid the truth but you really can get away from it.

 

When you do something like this and you have to look your spouse in the eye every day there is no holistic treatment that will make all of this go away

[lkjh]

I would think that someone with the user name nowheretohide would understand that you can not run from this

[moaningmyrtle]

Okay... I haven't read every response here, but I will tell you that the prevailing thinking with those on LS is that an affair must ALWAYS be disclosed. You will also find that it is the BSs primarily that say that.

 

You will be told repeatedly that you can NEVER reconnect with your husband if you don't tell, that you will ALWAYS have this getting in the way of your intimacy, that the betrayed spouse ALWAYS finds out no matter what, that there are NO healthy marriages that survive infidelity unless it is disclosed....

 

What this equates to is black and white thinking. The world is not black and white.

 

...

 

I just picked up on the bits I've bolded above.

 

I don't know for sure whether it's mainly BS who say "tell" but let's just assume you are right. The question is then: why is it so?

 

I'm a BS and I happen to believe that telling is best and it is based on my own experience. I don't believe that this automatically equates to black and white thinking on my part though.

 

My reasons for saying it's best.

 

My H started to be unfaithful to me about 10 years ago. More than 8 years ago he started an A that went on for nearly 4 years. The OW ended it in late 2005. I never knew. My H has since told me that while he was sad the A was over, he thought it was an opportunity to reconnect with me in our marriage. But it didn't really work and 16 months ago I found out about the A when he and the same OW were trying to start it up again.

 

Since then it's been so painful for me and our M, and the way I feel about my H will never be the same. But (and this is important) the fact that I now know means that we are both on the same page and our efforts to rebuild a better marriage are surprisingly successful. I know that in our case it couldn't have been done without the A coming to light. We are not a particularly unusual couple and it is now my belief that it would take a very unusual couple and a very unusual WS to make it work on their own.

 

It annoys me that some posters think that because the majority of BSs supposedly think in a certain way, that it is worthy of disparagement by being called black and white thinking. We are talking WSs who want to repair marriages here and many of the BSs on this board really have BTDT. That is, they have experience.

 

I wouldn't mind betting that 5 years after an A ends for good, if a couple are still together, that is is those where the A is known to the BS who have the stronger marriage - I could be wrong and I'd love to see some statistics on this.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide (OP and NTH) but please think about what BSs with experience are saying. I wouldn't wish the pain of a d-day on anyone without a very good reason. I know that if we pull through our marriage will be virtually inviolate.

Edited February 11, 2010 by moaningmyrtle

[Samantha0905]

Okay... I haven't read every response here, but I will tell you that the prevailing thinking with those on LS is that an affair must ALWAYS be disclosed. You will also find that it is the BSs primarily that say that.

 

You will be told repeatedly that you can NEVER reconnect with your husband if you don't tell, that you will ALWAYS have this getting in the way of your intimacy, that the betrayed spouse ALWAYS finds out no matter what, that there are NO healthy marriages that survive infidelity unless it is disclosed....

 

What this equates to is black and white thinking. The world is not black and white.

 

I had an A and I have not disclosed it to my H. I also know others who have had affairs and have not disclosed. As Devil Inside has surmised, there are more affairs out there that we NEVER hear about because the two individuals have gone their separate ways never to discuss it again.

 

What it comes down to is what you feel you need to do based on your individual circumstances. And, yes, and IC will help you with this. I have spent countless sessions on this very topic with my IC, even recently. And we have always come to the same conclusion which is not to tell. That's not to say that you may come to a different conclusion. But everyone must evaluate their situation for themselves.

 

This is a VERY hot topic on these boards. Those of us who have not disclosed are repeatedly bashed because of our decision. Here's the thing, I still may decided to disclose my A at some point... but it's not going to be because of strangers on a message board bullying me into doing it. I will do it because I know it's the best decision in my situation.

 

You have moved on from your A. That's a huge start. I, too, lost a ton of weight and was put on antidepressants, so I feel you. It's time for you to heal -- and that is what you need to do first before making any huge decisions. Get yourself emotionally healthy. Only then will you be able to move forward.

 

Good luck.

 

Very well thought out post. I couldn't agree more. Thanks for that as I'm about to start IC and your post gave me hope for whatever reason.

 

It is myopic when people insist their opinion is the ONLY way and unless you follow their suggestions, a marriage will fail. At times the posts can seem bullying, but that's an issue with the poster and I imagine due to their own circumstances. We all have life circumstances that effect how we feel. When hurt, I suppose it's difficult to see beyond one's own situation. The dynamics of each marriage, however, are different.

 

Samantha,

if you want to base your advice on a made for lifetime movie concept than feel free. But, if you take the time and research a few of these forums you will see that there are hundreds of post on here about people dealing with affairs that have been ongoing, ended or some other weird category for years and years. Everyone that has tried to take the sneaky short cut has had it blow up in their face.

 

EVERYONE? That's a pretty broad statement. It can't be true. Plus, just because you perceive something as "a sneaky shortcut" does not mean that's the intent or an accurate description of the particular course of action. The lifetime movie reference was simply snide.

 

B) the H has a right to know. You may believe that marriage is all about one person(yourself) and you can spin this in your head to actually believe its not selfish but her H does have a right to know because its his life too.

 

I don't agree.

 

C) it really is common knowledge that IC are about keeping the individual happy not doing what is best for the M. You can once again try to convince yourself that you have to put yourself first in order to make a M work, but that is just your opinion. My advice is based off the concept that M is about putting your family first and I really don't care if you agree with it. Each of us are entitled to our own opinion even if you don't like it

 

Each of us are entitled to our own opinions. I think an "Individual" counselor should help a person to understand why they've taken the actions they've taken, what has gone on in their lives to prompt them to act in such a way, and whether or not they are able to continue in the marriage in a way that is fair to themselves and their partner. The IC, hopefully, also helps their client to work on what may be problems in the way they think things out, go about addressing problems, etc. If you have an issue with an individual counselor helping the individual, well -- that's what they are there to do.

 

If a person isn't whole or happy themselves, they will have a difficult time having a successful marriage with someone else. It only stands to reason IC, in some cases, should come before MC.

[Samantha0905]

I just picked up on the bits I've bolded above.

 

I don't know for sure whether it's mainly BS who say "tell" but let's just assume you are right. The question is then: why is it so?

 

I'm a BS and I happen to believe that telling is best and it is based on my own experience. I don't believe that this automatically equates to black and white thinking on my part though.

 

My reasons for saying it's best.

 

My H started to be unfaithful to me about 10 years ago. More than 8 years ago he started an A that went on for nearly 4 years. The OW ended it in late 2005. I never knew. My H has since told me that while he was sad the A was over, he thought it was an opportunity to reconnect with me in our marriage. But it didn't really work and 16 months ago I found out about the A when he and the same OW were trying to start it up again.

 

Since then it's been so painful for me and our M, and the way I feel about my H will never be the same. But (and this is important) the fact that I now know means that we are both on the same page and our efforts to rebuild a better marriage are surprisingly successful. I know that in our case it couldn't have been done without the A coming to light. We are not a particularly unusual couple and it is now my belief that it would take a very unusual couple and a very unusual WS to make it work on their own.

 

It annoys me that some posters think that because the majority of BSs supposedly think in a certain way, that it is worthy of disparagement by being called black and white thinking. We are talking WSs who want to repair marriages here and many of the BSs on this board really have BTDT. That is, they have experience.

 

I wouldn't mind betting that 5 years after an A ends for good, if a couple are still together, that is is those where the A is known to the BS who have the stronger marriage - I could be wrong and I'd love to see some statistics on this.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide (OP and NTH) but please think about what BSs with experience are saying. I wouldn't wish the pain of a d-day on anyone without a very good reason. I know that if we pull through our marriage will be virtually inviolate.

 

It's in the delivery moaningmyrtle. What you just said makes perfect sense and could very well be true. It certainly seems to be the case for your marriage. I don't doubt I could be wrong in the decisions I make -- and am in many instances -- and I also don't doubt at times I possibly get it right. Some of the people on this site who insist a WS HAS to tell do it in such a way one would think they know all of the answers (and all the circumstances of a particular situation) and I can only think of one deity who has all the information.

 

There's a respectful way to relay one's opinion and there are other ways -- such as being belligerent.

[Catapult]

Samantha,

if you want to base your advice on a made for lifetime movie concept than feel free. But, if you take the time and research a few of these forums you will see that there are hundreds of post on here about people dealing with affairs that have been ongoing, ended or some other weird category for years and years. Everyone that has tried to take the sneaky short cut has had it blow up in their face. A select few get away with it but they are still on here years after its "over" seeking advice. When I recommended she confess it was because A) judging by the hundreds of similar post it seems to be the only method that truly moves people forward. Yes it does some of the times end in divorce but that is because of the affair not the honesty. B) the H has a right to know. You may believe that marriage is all about one person(yourself) and you can spin this in your head to actually believe its not selfish but her H does have a right to know because its his life too. C) it really is common knowledge that IC are about keeping the individual happy not doing what is best for the M. You can once again try to convince yourself that you have to put yourself first in order to make a M work, but that is just your opinion. My advice is based off the concept that M is about putting your family first and I really don't care if you agree with it. Each of us are entitled to our own opinion even if you don't like it

 

ilny,

This is your H's life as well. He has a right to know what is going on it. He has stood by you for many years and the least you can do is show him enough respect to be honest with him. Plus do you really think that you can go 20+ years holding this from him. You will be shocked how many things will remind you of your infidelity. Whether its a movie, book, joke, song, or just talking to friends. Do whats right and do it soon. It will be hard but nothing in life is easy. If you choose to hide it be prepared to have it over over your head for life. You will be on these boards for years trying to find the answer to all of this.

 

You did something horrible and there is no magic solution that will make it all better. Good luck and I hope you do the right thing

 

Amen. Hopefully this advice will be given much thought.

[Impudent Oyster]

Hi

 

Please can anyone help me?

 

I FINALLY ended my 2 year affair with MM 6 days ago via an email. I have not contacted MM since and he hasn't attempted contact with me. I ended the affair as I wanted my marriage not MM.

 

I am really struggling and have no-one to talk to.

 

The first few days after ending the affair I felt almost euphoric that I was off the rollercoaster and rejoiced at how 'free' I felt. I looked forward to reconnecting and recommitting to my M.

 

6 days on and my thoughts are consumed with MM, all the negative emotions and hurt I felt are drifting away and I can only think of the good times and intense love we shared. I am pining him. I feel obsessed with him. The fact that he hasn't attempted to contact me makes me love him even more as he is respecting my decision and is aware of how much the affair was destroying me (I ended up on anti-depressants, weight loss etc). I am struggling now not contacting him but am managing not to as I am so determined not to go back.

 

The thing is I DESPERATELY want to reconnect to my husband and put all this mess behind me. My husband is unaware of the affair. I love him and want him, not my MM - that is why I ended the affair. I am worried that I am so preoccupied with withdrawing and grieving MM that I am preventing myself reconnecting.

 

Has anyone been in this position?? Will it just take time?? I have read DevilInside's posts and I get the feeling that it is just a question of time but can anyone else clarify this?

 

Is there hope for my marriage or have I screwed everything up? I love my husband. I have betrayed him and my vows to him. I want what we had back. Is it too late or will it improve once I am out of 'the fog'??

 

Please help me. I know 6 days isn't a long time to be over an affair that lasted 2 years. I just want to know I am on the right track now?

 

Tough call. I think you should talk to him about this feeling of disconnection and tell him you want to get counseling.

 

This is too hard to do on your own and I'm not so sure after reading this if telling him about the affair is the right thing. Men tend to take their spouses infidelity much harder than women do.

 

I would suggest you get professional help and listen to their advice. It's worth it, good luck.

[lkjh]

Samantha,

I get it, you don't think the BS should have any rights in their own marriage because its all about you.

 

Also, if you go through these threads you will see that everyone who has tried to hide their affairs, are on here searching for some answer that they will never find, if you really think that this is not true for the very large bulk majority than you must be working with a broken calculator.

 

Have you ever sat back and tried to think about your perception of marriage and actually see if it is a good idea. Your concepts of believing that your SO doesn't have equal rights as yourself or the right to know whats going on in their lives. If you can't see that this is selfish than I guess we just disagree but first switch places with the BS and tell me that you would not being completely destroyed if your SO did to you what you do to them. I don't know if you cheated and when I say you I creating a scenario where you have cheated and lived by the advice you give. If you don't see the lack of honesty, justice, and integrity in your post than don't be shocked when in 2015 you are still on here trying to figure out your mess. Meanwhile your family will suffer while you try to "figure" out whats best for you

[lkjh]

Tough call. I think you should talk to him about this feeling of disconnection and tell him you want to get counseling.

 

This is too hard to do on your own and I'm not so sure after reading this if telling him about the affair is the right thing. Men tend to take their spouses infidelity much harder than women do.

 

I would suggest you get professional help and listen to their advice. It's worth it, good luck.

 

Med do take it hard but you can't deny that the most popular trend on here is H's trying to hold onto their wives after they cheat

[blinded]

ilny,

 

I think that is good that you're here seeking advice. There's a lot of differing opinions and some may hurt. The thing is, I don't think you should make any rash decision as to whether or not your H should know about the A. You are still in the caught up in the 'fog' of emotions. You may make a decision you will regret. Is it necessary for you to tell your H about the A in order to reconnect now? later? never? I don't personally know you and your relationship with your H to be able to make a suggestion.

 

I do know that strict NC is a good start, but be ready for the roller coaster of emotions. IC therapy is also an eye opener. There had to be problems in your M for you to seek comfort elsewhere. So there's at minimum 2 years of disconnect you've had from your H. The reconnection won't happen overnight. Good luck in what you decide.

[Jeff1962]

Jeff you couldn't be further from the truth about me 'running' back to my H now the affair is over. If you re-read my initial post you will see that I CHOSE to end the affair. I never stopped loving my husband. I made a mistake, a huge huge one. I felt so weak when I posted this thread and came here for advice and support. I was prepared for some straight talking but not sarcasm - I take full responsibility for what I have done and am trying to get on the right path again. Your post hurt.

 

I did not post my thoughts to be sarcastic nor to hurt you. I understand that you chose to end the affair. I also understand that you made a mistake because you are human. I gave you straight talk, I just told you what you didn't want to hear.

 

I still stand behind my original post. This is what most cheaters do when they choose to end the A or the A ends, go running back to BS and not divuldge the A and feel bad until the next time. I think it's good that you saw the error of your ways. I feel that you should divuldge the A to your H and admit everything and ask for his forgiveness.

 

So my post hurt huh? Maybe you should think about those you have hurt including yourself because of your A. I will not pull punches with you or anyone else. I use my head, I do not shoot from the hip. You need to deal with YOUR GUILT and not blame others.