bf thinks i am stupid,

[EYECANDY000]

I don't even know where to start.

 

My bf and I have been together a little less than a year. we have had our share of disagreements just like any couple. But, the hurtful thing is that he feels like I am stupid. I am very intelligent and educated so he doesn't mean stupid in that sense. But he feels like I say things without thinking. I do , but its more of a force of habit. I explained that its always rhetorical questions. Example. This just happened yesterday which we had an argument over. I pulled into a gas station.

 

Me: babe, use my card, I'm going to keep my cash

Him: credit or debit

Me: Debit

:im: what's your zipcode

Me: 48294

 

So he steps out the card to proceed to pump the gas

 

:im: what's your pin #?

Me: it asks for a pin #?

 

And that set him off. I tried explaining that it was more of a 'shocked' question not that I was questioning him. I was surprised that the pump asked for a pin considering I've never used a pump that needed my pin number. It took it as be not trusting him. Stated that if he is asking for my pin number then evidently its asking for one.

 

Since yesterday he has been terribly upset with me. Stated that its a small thing but I'm constantly doing things like that. I told him I would try to catch what I say but I do itwithout realizing it.

 

Today he called and stated that he's not sure if he can put up with it. Stated that he is tired and its exausting. I tried explaining that if he was to point out those moments to tell me and I can catch my myself and be more attentive, to which he responded its not worth it, its part of my characteristic.

 

I love him with all my heart, and just want to be with him. I'm not sure actually what I'm asking but I just don't know what to do.

 

I do have some moments that's kind of blah. Right now I'm only working. And my job isn't challenging at all. I sit in front of a computer for 8 hours and do 30 minutes worth of work. I sit and surf the net all day. And I guess for that reason I'm not exercizing my brain.

 

Is it possible to still love someone and be with them even though they have a flaw that feel like you can get over?

 

I'm just scared of losing him. My whole life revolves around him.

[VeryConfused&Lost]

I think its not that you are stupid or anything its just that you are probably always thinking about something else and never concentrating on what is happening around you. Try staying focused and I am sure this will not be a problem anymore, tell your boyfriend that you are working on it and that he should help you.....try watching some witty comedy as that should make you think faster I guess.

[kiss_andmakeup]

He got mad over that? Seriously?

 

Based on the info you presented (not sure if there's more to the story), it sounds like HE is the problem, not you.

[stillafool]

You're kidding right? I would tell him to go jump off a clif. If he thinks you are too stupid to be with him, LET HIM GO! Don't be needy for someone who doesn't RESPECT you. If you give in to him on something like this he will always treat you like your Edith Bunker. Stand up for yourself and he will have more repect for you. Start calling him stupid.

[EYECANDY000]

I am currently reading a book, that states that men don't like to be challenged. And I don't know if that's how I'm coming off as. I trust him in everything he says and his decison making. He is a very smart man, so I never feel like he will steer me in the wrong direction.

I tried to make my point today , but he felt like I was arguing. But all I was trying to do was explain my side and come up with a solution.

 

There is another example as well, which happened later that night.

My friend had joined us for dinner and she trailed us on the expressway , so we could show her what exit to take . I was on the passenger side and my bf was driving. Also it was bad weather , was snowing very bad.

 

Him: Cindy just went into a ditch

Me: what?

Him: cindy just went into a ditch

Me? That isn't her car directly behind us?

Him: No!!! She's in the ditch, you wouldn't see her..

 

I guess if he's telling me she's in a ditch, I would ask is that behind us.

I don't know how to fix my blah moments.

[littlebittle]

He got mad over that? Seriously?

 

Based on the info you presented (not sure if there's more to the story), it sounds like HE is the problem, not you.

 

For real, he sounds like kind of a jerk.

[Double]

What a jackass. He's the problem, not you.

[littlebittle]

I am currently reading a book, that states that men don't like to be challenged. And I don't know if that's how I'm coming off as. I trust him in everything he says and his decison making. He is a very smart man, so I never feel like he will steer me in the wrong direction.

I tried to make my point today , but he felt like I was arguing. But all I was trying to do was explain my side and come up with a solution.

 

There is another example as well, which happened later that night.

My friend had joined us for dinner and she trailed us on the expressway , so we could show her what exit to take . I was on the passenger side and my bf was driving. Also it was bad weather , was snowing very bad.

 

Him: Cindy just went into a ditch

Me: what?

Him: cindy just went into a ditch

Me? That isn't her car directly behind us?

Him: No!!! She's in the ditch, you wouldn't see her..

 

I guess if he's telling me she's in a ditch, I would ask is that behind us.

I don't know how to fix my blah moments.

 

in that case, i would probably be pretty surprised if her car had gone into a ditch as well, and i would also ask for some kind of clarification.

 

if things like this are setting him off in such a way, you might consider that there's some kind of underlying problem that isn't being addressed. the behavior that you described, while slightly irritating sometimes, should not be warranting such angry responses from him. it could be that he is upset about something else, and lashing out at you (still not ok). if he really wants to end the relationship over this, i think he has problems. but it could be that there's other stuff going on and he's not being upfront with you. either way, i don't think you deserve to be treated this way just because you're a bit spacey sometimes.

[Kamille]

My whole life revolves around him.

 

At least you realize it. I hope you also realize this isn't healthy for either you, him or your relationship. Your life should revolve around your well-being. This includes giving your love to someone who understands you and makes you feel cherished.

 

Neither of the examples your provide warrant the kind of reactions he's had.

 

Example one is just funny. You weren't challenging him, you were being a bit absent-minded. Why would he take something that's about a machine so personally? I really don't see how he could jump to the conclusion that you were challenging him, unless control is some kind of issue in your relationship.

 

 

In the second incident, I feel your comment was more about your own disbelief than about challenging him.

 

 

I understand most men have to feel like their partner trust their judgement and think it's healthy when it's meant to ensure that they are present partners in building a balanced, happy, relationship. But neither of the examples you provide were about him or the relationship.

 

Are there examples that are actually about you not trusting him in the relationship?

[sid3]

I agree, sounds like there may be some other issues going on. What is troubling is that you said your life revolves around him, you need to change that asap. He may feel smothered if that is the case. IDK, it just sounds like there are bigger issues at work than your occasional spacy/blah moments.

FYI, gas pumps sometimes ask for a pin # when you choose to use the card as a debit instead of credit.< sounds like he got his panties twisted over something silly.

[stillafool]

Seriously, dump this guy. He is doing a number on your self esteem and it is only going to get worse. Why is he your whole world? Don't you see this is why he is treating you the way he does. Anything you say will start to get on his nerves pretty soon. You had better step away, regain your respect and then perhaps he will view you differently. He is not worth your love. Don't waste your time.

[EYECANDY000]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I am really taking everything to heart. And there are some good points I would like to raise with him, that some of you guys stated.

 

Kamille, there is one thing that I don't trust with him. Although he is always upfront with me, and tell me everything. He has an ex who was so infactuated with. They broke up over her cheating, and being deceitful. But she still calls and text every once in a while. Most times it will be for weeks and then she will stop. He shows me every message and I trust that he isn't texting her back. And I gather that from her responses in the text. I know that she has this hold over him, that's scary to me. I know he doesn't want to be with her because he could never trust her, but he said that she's the best lover he ever had. Mainly because they been together for 4 years.

 

I need to change the fact that my life revolves around him. I know that I smother him, but I'm afraid that if I leave his house then he will have the urge to text her back. And so I stay at his house for long stretches. Yesterday he told me that it was time for me to go home, and he needed a little space from me.

[sid3]

You know your smothering this guy right out of the relationship. You'll never be able to keep an eye on him 24/7 so why even try? He wants to tet her, he will whether your there or not. Give him the space he's asked for, but give yourself a break too.

[Ronni_W]

:im: what's your pin #?

Me: it asks for a pin #?

Him: Cindy just went into a ditch

Me? That isn't her car directly behind us?

I've been on your side -- asking inane questions for reasons my brain was slow reveal to me. (It came out in bits and pieces, during therapy.) Part of it is me having a healthy and curious mind. But, there is also a part of me that just likes to be in total "knowing and control" of every situation in which I find myself.

NOT knowing leaves me feeling queasy, uneasy and out of control (of my own life and experiences...it's not so much about wanting/needing to control other people. At least, I don't think.)

 

I've also bee on his side. It can be extremely frustrating to regularly find one's self on the other side of that. It isn't intentional on your part, but that does not mean that you are not regularly questioning him -- you are, and he is getting frustrated by it.

 

So, really. It's different issues that each one of you can, if you choose, work on. You could decide to make a concerted, conscious effort to slow down your brain and take one second longer to think before you speak. (And also consider how "not knowing" makes you feel / what it triggers for you.)

 

He could stand to learn some patience, acceptance and forgiveness. You're obviously not setting out to trigger him; it's obviously just part of a, likely unconscious, mental habit that you've gotten into -- it would be fine for him to learn to accept this as part of your (current) idiosyncrasies. His feelings of not being trusted are for him to figure out where they're coming from...your behaviour does not speak to a lack of trust on your part (a lack of brain-to-mouth coordination, maybe...but that is all.)

 

You BOTH could consider learning to have some empathy for the other side -- what you are doing IS frustrating for him; how he is reacting IS hurtful to you. You're BOTH acting in ways that are detrimental to your long-term happiness as a couple.

 

At least. This is all the crap that I had to learn for myself, once I became aware of all this crap going on inside of me.

[Hot Carl]

I would guess that he's not a good communicator. Everyone he ever gets involved with is going to do things that annoy him. If he waits until he's at the boiling point before he ever says anything about it, he risks destroying all his relationships.

 

Now you'll feel like you're on eggshells all the time and you'll be wondering when the next explosion is going to come. That's not how you want to be.

 

It's easy to tell someone they are getting on your nerves, if you do it gently and maybe with some humor and understanding. And if you do it right at the time the resentment begins building, there doesn't have to be any drama. Just saying something makes you feel better, and if you're with someone who is sensitive to your needs, they will try to make it better. Or they will stand up for themselves and it will be settled. A relationship as open as that has a lot more respect and trust than one where people never fight or where everything is tolerated all the time until something breaks in a big way.

[tigereyes1428]

sweetheart - two things going on here - he is eating away at your self confidence - both those examples i found non offensive at all - and if anything a little dippy but in a totally endearing way - the right man for you will love this about you.

secondly - you dont trust him - this needs worked on - you cant stop him contacting her by being there all the time - give him enough rope to hang himself - would you not rather that the reason he did not contact her was because he did not want to not that he cant get a minutes peace to do so?

[You'reasian]

I don't even know where to start.

 

My bf and I have been together a little less than a year. we have had our share of disagreements just like any couple. But, the hurtful thing is that he feels like I am stupid. I am very intelligent and educated so he doesn't mean stupid in that sense. But he feels like I say things without thinking. I do , but its more of a force of habit. I explained that its always rhetorical questions. Example. This just happened yesterday which we had an argument over. I pulled into a gas station.

 

Me: babe, use my card, I'm going to keep my cash

Him: credit or debit

Me: Debit

:im: what's your zipcode

Me: 48294

 

So he steps out the card to proceed to pump the gas

 

:im: what's your pin #?

Me: it asks for a pin #?

 

And that set him off. I tried explaining that it was more of a 'shocked' question not that I was questioning him. I was surprised that the pump asked for a pin considering I've never used a pump that needed my pin number. It took it as be not trusting him. Stated that if he is asking for my pin number then evidently its asking for one.

 

Since yesterday he has been terribly upset with me. Stated that its a small thing but I'm constantly doing things like that. I told him I would try to catch what I say but I do itwithout realizing it.

 

Today he called and stated that he's not sure if he can put up with it. Stated that he is tired and its exausting. I tried explaining that if he was to point out those moments to tell me and I can catch my myself and be more attentive, to which he responded its not worth it, its part of my characteristic.

 

I love him with all my heart, and just want to be with him. I'm not sure actually what I'm asking but I just don't know what to do.

 

I do have some moments that's kind of blah. Right now I'm only working. And my job isn't challenging at all. I sit in front of a computer for 8 hours and do 30 minutes worth of work. I sit and surf the net all day. And I guess for that reason I'm not exercizing my brain.

 

Is it possible to still love someone and be with them even though they have a flaw that feel like you can get over?

 

I'm just scared of losing him. My whole life revolves around him.

 

Don't let your happenings upset your happiness

 

Time to start doing some things on your own, your own thinking, your own interests - and get more challenged at your job. Its good to have your own independence in a relationship, but still be able to come together with the SO.

 

When it comes to flaws and loving people, try to be the more flexible ship so the two of you don't crash. Best of luck, I feel for you!

[Star Gazer]

Eyecandy, you are not stupid, and your questions are not stupid or blah or inane or anything else. They're part of regular, everyday conversation. Your BF is being a jerk. I can imagine myself asking the same questions you have, and my BF would just answer me back - NOT get mad. It would go like this:

 

Me: Babe, use my card, I'm going to keep my cash...

Him: Credit or debit?

Me: Debit

Him: What's your zipcode?

Me: 48294

Him: What's your pin #?

Me: It asks for a pin #?

Him: Yeah

Me: Weird, it's 1234

Him: Thanks... [finishes pumping] Here's the receipt.

 

Him: Cindy just went into a ditch...

Me: What?

Him: Cindy just went into a ditch!

Me: That isn't her car directly behind us?

Him: No, she's back there in the ditch - you didn't see her crash.

Me: Oh my gosh! We should turn around and help her...

Him: Totally, I'll turn around right up here...

 

Your BF's reactions to your "questions" is irrational and unreasonable, IMO.

[EYECANDY000]

Everyone is saying that I'm not stupid. So I don't understand why he see it the opposite. He stated that I am very air headed say things like that. I guess I need to give it another second before I respond to him, but also like someone stated I don't want to feel like I'm on eggshells, and like my entire conversation is rehearsed.

 

I try not to blame myself, but now that I look back at my questions they do seem like air headed questions. I just need to be more attentive.

[tigereyes1428]

yeah but also remember you should not have to watch what your saying all the time - maybe he has to learn to be more tolerant - two way street etc - next time he makes a comment - i'd make a flippant remark like " this is who i am and always have been" if its not what you want - there is a door...

[You'reasian]

Everyone is saying that I'm not stupid. So I don't understand why he see it the opposite. He stated that I am very air headed say things like that. I guess I need to give it another second before I respond to him, but also like someone stated I don't want to feel like I'm on eggshells, and like my entire conversation is rehearsed.

 

I try not to blame myself, but now that I look back at my questions they do seem like air headed questions. I just need to be more attentive.

 

He doesn't respect you and it shows in your communications.

 

Calling you air headed? Seriously?? That's not something you say to someone you love under normal conditions.

 

The two of you could use some relationship counselling, me thinks.

[EYECANDY000]

He does need to be more tolerant. I don't think I could ever say there's the door, because I love him so much, and it will hurt to not be with him. Whenever I do have a moment where I feel strong and feel like I can't take it anymore, I cry. And once I start crying its hard for me to express my feelings to him.

[Kamille]

There clearly are issues in your relationship: you feeling like you have to always be at his place to make sure he doesn't text is ex is a great indicator of that. I'm also stunned that you actually know she's the best lover he ever had. I hope he also appreciates you as a lover.

 

But those two comments in the examples are not air-headed. They're not. They're perfectly normal reactions to each scenario, as many of us have pointed out. Get those negative thoughts out of your head. You're letting him get to you.

 

And it sounds like you're trying to bend over backwards for this guy.

 

You shouldn't have to monitor yourself and what you say. If you two have trusts issues, you can work on those together. But I don't think it's healthy to walk on eggshells.

[Kelly5]

I just want to chime in here real quick because this is exactly how my ex-boyfriend of 4 years used to be with me. I will just say that it's going to break you down and I'm sorry but I don't see your relationship lasting forever. It will eat away at your self-esteem, and he sounds like an emotionally abusive and controlling person. My ex used to flip out at the very simplest things I would say or do and I put up with it because I couldn't imagine a life without him, but I'm glad to say that I am very happy that he is out of my life. As much as it may be "mentally exhausting" for him, it is way more so for you. Take care and really think about what you are putting up with here. Do you really want to be with someone who truly believes you are "stupid"? Imagine if your friend came to you with this situation, what would you tell her?

[EYECANDY000]

There are issues in the relationship kamille. But he's always been the type to hold them in and let it build and build and build. I try to resolve them but it says its fine, whatever. And I have to constantly tell him he can't always just sweep problems under the rug. And id rather end on a good note, than him just hating me, and I never know why.

 

 

One thing about him is that he's all ways been upfront with me. And he admitted that she is the best lover he ever had. And that's the only reason why he says run back to her.

Which scares me. Before I met him he told me how She has done some deceitful stuff to him in the past, and he went back.

Be broke up in november over an issue which I posted about and since then talked in between time. 2 weeks ago I felt like I needed to stop talking to him completly because I still wanted to be with him, but he was putting me on hold. So I stopped contacting him for 2 long days. Then he called me and said he needed to talk to someone and I went over his house and he asked if I would take him back. And I said yes. That night he stated that he had gotten back with his ex sexually and now she did something that totally was unethical. something to the point where she got the authorities involved.

 

So I'm surprised as to why he keeps running back to her and she does all this crazy stuff and I just have random questions at time.