Please, need some sane advice in a fast way .... man this hurts so much

[Turtle25603]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post here and I am very happy to have found this site. My apologies to all that are going thru a rough time, I know the feeling quite well and I hope that everything works out for each of you. Okay, lets get to the story and please start sending the advise!

 

A few months ago my wife and I had a major fight that I blew all out of porportion. I have been married for 6 years and we have been together for 8. We have two children, 1 and 4 which makes this so much more difficult. I seem to be at a crossroad now and have to make a decision. A little background first on the argument that has brought me to where I am now.

 

My wife and I had been arguing for few weeks over little things and it all blew up one night. I guess it was my fault, for I get so frustrated whith her because she seems to ignore our problems like they will go away if you pretend they aren't there. It ends up being so frustrating for me, anyways I got very mad becasue once again, there was tension between us and she just went to bed. So my major character flaw raises its head. I get mad, fly of the handle and broke some picture frames. I am very easy going, but when I get pushed to a point I blow up .. I get over it almost instanatiously, but I do blow up .. I know, stupid stupid me. Okay, she gets scared and calls the police. I leave the house ( I didn't know she was calling the cops) to get a hotel room because I realize that the argument is getting out of hand. I forgot my ID and couldn't get a hotel room, so I return to the house to retrive it. The cops are there and because I am a big dumb animal I guess I stop. To make a long story short, they arrest me for domestic violence and I spend 5 long days in jail. How humiliating! I haven't even had a speeding ticket in the last 10 years. While I was in jail she gets a TPO (temporary protective order) against me. I can't go home, call her or see my children. I realize she was scared and I want to make it crystal clear that I did not, not would I hit my wife or anyone else for that matter.

 

Recently we went to court on this TPO issue and she extended it for another six months...... kicked out of my home, kept from my children for six months. I can't tell you how hurt I am, devestaded would be a better word. I can see my children 2 weekends a month and she has agreed that we can communicate by email. Eight years togehter and we are reduced to speaking by email. It has been 2 months since this has all happened and I haven't a clue on what she wants to do. Most of her emails have been very short and cold requesting money for this bill or that. I have asked her what she wants to do, suggested counsuling and have told her that I was very wrong and asked for forgiveness. Her replies have been very cold, and she says that she doesn't know what she wants to do, she doesn't want her "emotions to make her decision", what ever the hell that means.

 

So two months have passed and I am still in the dark as to what direction this is going. I love my wife and want to make this marriage work. Not only for us, but we have two small children that need to have this resolved. So here is where I need the advise. This indecision on her part is killing me. Emotionaly it is draining me to a point where I can't sleep or even concentrate on anything. If she told me that she wants to try and salvage this marriage, but needs time, I can deal with that for I would know that there is a direction she is heading in. But the way it stands, I am in limbo and to me that is the absolute worst thing to be in. So in light of all of that the advice that I am getting from my attorney, parents and friends is to file for divorce to force the issue one way or the other. She will either want the divorce or she will indicate that she doesn't. At the time of the suggestion it seemed reasonable so I have asked my attorney to go ahead and file. This was right before new years so nothing has gone out yet. Does anyone think that this is the right thing to do? I don't want a divorce, but I can't live like this any longer. Not knowing is worse than anything. I do love my wife..but what am I to do. Any advice would be appreciated and if you need clarification on anything, please ask. Thanks in advance for your help.

 

Marc

[moimeme]

So my major character flaw raises its head. I get mad, fly of the handle and broke some picture frames

 

If you call this a 'character flaw', that means this is not the first such thing you've done. If you have been in the habit of destroying things around the house - or even hitting, restraining or pushing? - the marriage may be unsalvageable. How far have you gone with this 'character flaw' in past?

[InLoKo]

Divorce would seem to be the last road you should travel down. Especially if you don't want a divorce!! Are you sure your lawyer is not just looking for his next fee? Divorce as you describe is a very dangerous game to play. She may just call your bluff, go ahead with the divorce and 2 children have lost their right to have both parents around 24/7. My advice: call off the divorce immediately.

 

That said, let's go back to the original problem. Your temper! Why haven't you spent the last 2 months going to anger management classes? What have you spent the last 2 months doing? Do NOT spend time begging your wife to take you back just like that. Her head is telling her to keep you away. Her heart says she still loves you. But, she is clearly thinking about her and her children's safety. Domestic violence ALWAYS escalates: Today a few picture frames, next week a broken arm. I've seen it all before. If you broke a few picture frames, the FACT is you cannot control yourself and therefore cannot say you would never hurt your wife. She probably goes to bed because that is the way she has found to be the safest and least provocative towards you. Nothing can be more humiliating to your wife than having to call the police with the neighbours watching and then having her husband locked up for his behaviour!!

 

Your wife MAY accept you back when you can show her you are worthy of her love. For that, you need to go to anger management classes first and then marriage counselling, even if by yourself initially.

[2004resolutions]

Hi Turtle,

 

I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. Just some thoughts for you, because I think that you should be looking at your marriage and your problems resolving issues with your wife before you file for divorce.

 

Originally posted by Turtle25603

 

My wife and I had been arguing for few weeks over little things and it all blew up one night. I guess it was my fault, for I get so frustrated whith her because she seems to ignore our problems like they will go away if you pretend they aren't there. It ends up being so frustrating for me, anyways I got very mad becasue once again, there was tension between us and she just went to bed. So my major character flaw raises its head. I get mad, fly of the handle and broke some picture frames. I am very easy going, but when I get pushed to a point I blow up .. I get over it almost instanatiously, but I do blow up .. I know, stupid stupid me.

 

Although I don't agree with violence, it sounds to me like your reasons for building up anger - and a lot of it - are valid. Trying to deal with someone who WON'T deal with issues is very frustrating and very lonesome. You are trying to resolve issues with your partner, but have no partner to resolve them with. I agree with the post about trying to deal better with your anger, but also, please don't forget about the validity of your anger and how it relates to your marriage.

 

Recently we went to court on this TPO issue and she extended it for another six months...... kicked out of my home, kept from my children for six months. I can't tell you how hurt I am, devestaded would be a better word. I can see my children 2 weekends a month and she has agreed that we can communicate by email. Eight years togehter and we are reduced to speaking by email. It has been 2 months since this has all happened and I haven't a clue on what she wants to do. Most of her emails have been very short and cold requesting money for this bill or that. I have asked her what she wants to do, suggested counsuling and have told her that I was very wrong and asked for forgiveness. Her replies have been very cold, and she says that she doesn't know what she wants to do, she doesn't want her "emotions to make her decision", what ever the hell that means.

 

So two months have passed and I am still in the dark as to what direction this is going. I love my wife and want to make this marriage work. Not only for us, but we have two small children that need to have this resolved.

 

Have you considered the fact that this all could be her way of continuing to not deal with the issues? I would like to know more about the incident that led her to call the police. If it was the first - and only - time that such a thing occurred, I think that she could be using it (you) as a scapegoat to dealing with anything herself. If she blames it all on you, then she doesn't have to deal with the issues. Get my point? It seems that she has avoided dealing with things in the past.

 

I would suggest that your wife get some counseling. Here is another tell tale sign that she is avoiding dealing with issues - if she refuses to seek counseling.

 

Best of luck to you, turtle.

[befuddled11]

As someone who was (10 yrs ago) in a very abusive marriage (my husband was eventually charged w/ assault and unlawful confinement), I found your post interesting.

 

First of all, was this incident of "flying off the handle" (and breaking the picture frames) an isolated incident? Be honest with us here (and yourself), please.

 

Is that the first time you've flipped out and broken things?

 

Do you react to her resistance to work out problems by yelling and carrying on?

 

If this truly was a one-time isolated incident, based solely on what you've relayed her (what took place), then I think your wife grossly overreacted and I think it's shameful when women take advantage of "crying domestic abuse." That might sound strange coming from me, considering my background.......maybe my opinion is slightly influenced by the fact that I was in a marriage where I was shoved and kicked and spit on and dragged by my hair and locked outside when it was 40 below.....and locked in rooms and held down and slapped. Would I have called the police because my ex was having a hissy fit and breaking some frames? Hardly. To me, that would be overreacting. Domestic violence charges are serious. TPOs are serious. Doing things that can prevent someone from seeing their children is serious.........these things should only be done when there's just cause.

 

People make mistakes.

 

Someone else had a good point....maybe your wife did what she did, and got the TPO because it was a convenient way for her not to have to "deal with" the problems in your marriage.

 

I agree with the others who've suggested you really need to get yourself into some Anger Management Therapy/Counselling. Obviously for yourself..and also for your case.....so you can show the judge, if it ever comes down to a custody/visitation battle, that you've admitted your problem with your temper and you've taken concrete steps to deal with it and get a handle on it.

 

Now also......do you even want to be married to someone who doesn't want to deal with problems, who wants to just pretend they don't exist? That doesn't sound like a marriage I'd want to be in. It sounds very empty and one-sided and frustrating.

 

What kind of problems had you been having? Financial? Someone cheated? Trust issues?

 

I'm having a hard time understanding how she could get a TPO (and an extension) all because you broke some picture frames. Is there more to it? Has she ever called the police before?

 

Did you threaten her?

 

Have you ever laid a hand on her? Shoved her?

 

What were the grounds for the Protection Order being extended? I would think there'd have to be fairly substantial reasons given, and accepted by a judge, for an extension to be granted??

 

Please provide more info.

[Turtle25603]

Thanks everyone, I have to say that I am very grateful for the quick and insiteful responses to my post. Glad to see that someone cares, feeling pretty lonely here lately. I will try to answer all of the questions the best I can, so please bear with me as it is hard to type and cry at the same time. There is some new info that I will get to at the bottom of the post that might be of some help.

 

 

Q:First of all, was this incident of "flying off the handle" (and breaking the picture frames) an isolated incident? Be honest with us here (and yourself), please.

 

Is that the first time you've flipped out and broken things?

 

Do you react to her resistance to work out problems by yelling and carrying on?

 

A:This is a somewhat isolated incident. By that I mean that I have lost my temper before, but not often. Not a once a day or even once a month situation. I realize that I was very wrong in doing what I did. As far as reaction to her resistance, while not an excuse, it is very hard to keep things bottled in all of the time. I am not exagerrating when I say my wifes answer to all problems is ignore it long enough, and it will go away. The frustration level this brings me to is incredible. Is it so hard to talk about issues and try to resolve them instead of letting them build up over time? The two most frustrating things to me are #1 she will talk for hours about our problems to her mother, but never say a word to me. If she is angry or upset at me, please tell me. I can't fix what I don't know is wrong. #2 This might sound stupid, but one of the most aggravating things to me was she would spend hours a week watching these ridiculous reality shows .. it seemed to me as if she cared more about the lives of strangers on TV, then ours. Now, I don't think it was that way in her mind, but that is the impression that I got. And yes, I do have a tendency to be very vocal and dramatic when I get pushed to the breaking point. Violence, no, loud and upset, yes.

 

 

Q:I agree with the others who've suggested you really need to get yourself into some Anger Management Therapy/Counselling. Obviously for yourself..and also for your case.....so you can show the judge, if it ever comes down to a custody/visitation battle, that you've admitted your problem with your temper and you've taken concrete steps to deal with it and get a handle on it.

 

A: I have sought couselling and have been working with a therapist. He seems to understand and I am trying to get a handle on my temper so I can be a better person. He has also suggested that we need to seek counseling together as soon as possible. As far as an assesment of my mental state it is important to know that I pride myself on being a very caring person. I am the type that will do anything to help anyone. I have never spanked my children and my prefered option of dealing with anything is to talk it out. In 37 years here I have never once intentionaly hurt anyone, I have defended myself when the occasion called for it, but never and I mean never have I raised a hand to anyone for any reason. Hell, I am the person who discovers a bug in the house and scoops it up on a piece of paper to let it go outside because I don't want to squish it.

 

Q:Now also......do you even want to be married to someone who doesn't want to deal with problems, who wants to just pretend they don't exist? That doesn't sound like a marriage I'd want to be in. It sounds very empty and one-sided and frustrating.

 

 

A: Idealy, not really as it is hard on me. I am a very expressive and loving person, the type that holds hands while driving and says "I Love You" 50 times a day. She doesn't and that is hard, however I got married for a reason, and never intended to get divorced. I have problems and so does she, but I know no one is perfect and I have vowed to overlook or deal with her faults as I would expect someone to do with mine. The children are a main concern of mine as well. They need two parents .. both mom and dad.. I think we owe it to them as much as to ourselves to resolve this if possible.

 

 

Q:What kind of problems had you been having? Financial? Someone cheated? Trust issues?

 

A: Yes, the have been some problems. I have never cheated and I don't think she has either. Financial and medical problems have been tough on us this year. I have undergone 3 major back surgeries within the last year and lost my job because of it. I did have a small buisness on the internet that was doing well and while we were making our bills, we didn't have much left over. Let me expand on this a bit as it is very important. I injured my back at work and had surgery to fuse some discs. After the 1st surgery there was some complications that almost killed me and led to a second emergency surgery. A third surgery was needed to fuse more discs in my back. It has been hard on both of us, please understand that I have been in the hospital for 4 months out of the last year and on everykind of drug imaginable for pain and deppresion. I am in pain 24/7 and the depression arose because I feel that I am not what I used to be. I feel abondoned by my employer and can't do things that I used to. To make matters worse, I talked to her mother not long ago and she was very nasty to me and said "Your free ride is over" implying that I got hurt so I wouldn't be able to work any longer. My wife still works and trust me when I say I would give anything to have my back restored and go back to work. I didn't ask to get hurt and by her mother saying this it leaves me to belive that this is what my wife felt. I still had income coming in from worker comp. Not much compared to when I worked, but something. The truth is I loved my job and gave 110% to it. To accuse me of looking for a "free ride" is more hurtfull than anything that has ever been said to me.

 

 

Q:I'm having a hard time understanding how she could get a TPO (and an extension) all because you broke some picture frames. Is there more to it? Has she ever called the police before?

 

Did you threaten her?

 

Have you ever laid a hand on her? Shoved her?

 

What were the grounds for the Protection Order being extended? I would think there'd have to be fairly substantial reasons given, and accepted by a judge, for an extension to be granted??

 

 

A: No she has never called the police and I have never been in trouble with the law. From my understanding Cherokee County Georgia is a "man-hating" county (words of attorneys, not me) and it doesn't take much to get a TPO. I am not sure why it was extended for another 6 months either? The attorney's came to that agreement and I am not sure if I even have any input in that. I was very shocked at this outcome. There has been no history of violence with me, I did not threaten, hit or shove her. She did say in the police report that while I did not lay a hand on her, she felt threatened, maybe that is enough. I wouldn't and that is why I left that night to give things a chance to cool down. I thought that I did the right thing by leaving.

 

 

Q: Have you considered the fact that this all could be her way of continuing to not deal with the issues? I would like to know more about the incident that led her to call the police. If it was the first - and only - time that such a thing occurred, I think that she could be using it (you) as a scapegoat to dealing with anything herself. If she blames it all on you, then she doesn't have to deal with the issues. Get my point? It seems that she has avoided dealing with things in the past.

 

I would suggest that your wife get some counseling. Here is another tell tale sign that she is avoiding dealing with issues - if she refuses to seek counseling.

 

A: Yes I have considered that fact. My counsler has suggested that maybe she needed the TPO to have time to herself. Wouldn't it have been easier just to tell me that? It has been suggested that she has done this to me to use me as a scapegoat. Easier to make me look like an abuser than to fix things I guess. My wife says that she has been in counsuling. Her remark to me was that her therapist said that there is no need to rush into anything, but hasn't suggest us getting counseling together. The right advice, not in my opinion.

 

Q: Divorce would seem to be the last road you should travel down. Especially if you don't want a divorce!! Are you sure your lawyer is not just looking for his next fee? Divorce as you describe is a very dangerous game to play. She may just call your bluff, go ahead with the divorce and 2 children have lost their right to have both parents around 24/7. My advice: call off the divorce immediately.

 

 

A: Maybe you are right. I don't want a divorce however I don't know what else to do. Apologies haven't worked, she doesn't seem to want to go to mutual conseling and every time there is any communication between us she is either attacking me or demanding more money. I want to give this every chance possible to work out, but I am not seeing any signs at all that she is willing to even consider it. Living in limbo is so hard. It is like flying an airplane with no instruments and in dense fog, not a good way to fly. If I even heard one encouraging word it would do wonders. The attorney has been advised that my main goal is and will be reconcilliation. I have made this clear to everyone, but the advise I am getting is if she is not going to give any indication of a direction, then force the issue to move her from dead center. This is why I am here.. I need opinions. Please refer to the end of this post for some updated info on what I think she has planned.

 

As far as the original problem, you are right that my temper is what led up to this. I was wrong and have sought help in this area. Please don't get the wrong idea that I am some sort of backwoods redneck wife beater. Hitting a picture frame and hitting my wife are two very different things.

 

 

 

Q:If you call this a 'character flaw', that means this is not the first such thing you've done. If you have been in the habit of destroying things around the house - or even hitting, restraining or pushing? - the marriage may be unsalvageable. How far have you gone with this 'character flaw' in past?

 

 

A: You are correct that I have gotten angry in the past. I am not in the habit of destroying things, but this time I did let my temper get the best of me. I understand that what I did was stupid and wrong. I would hope that I would atleast get a chance to try and make it right with her. Is 8 years together worth throwing away over a problem that can be fixed? As mentioned above, I have never hit, restrained or pushed her or anyone in my life.

 

I am a very good hearted person who lost his temper and might be paying a very high price for it. To recap recent events my father talked to her this morning (he can communicate with her according to the TPO agreement, this is the only voice communication possible). She said that she is planning to take the children and move to her mothers in Florida. To me this is a very bad sign. The reason that I brought up filing for divorce is that if she has made her mind up not to try and fix this then it is better for all of us to move on and re-establish some sort of life. For the love of God I don't want to break our family up, but anything is better than living like this. Once again, thanks to all of you for the advise. I do appreciate the time you have taken. I will check back often for responses.

 

Marc

[PP Guy]

My advice to you is Never Ask For Something You Don't Want!!! If you ask for a divorce you will not be true to yourself.