Friend won't take husband's name

[Woggle]

Yes, because they won't put up with abuse, cheating, and men expecting her to do all the housework (or for her to quit her job).

 

No because they like to abuse, cheat on and treat a man like crap. It's all about turning the tables for them.

[greatgirlfriend]

I'm a man and I have to say I feel the total opposite of what most men feel about a woman taking my last name.

 

It's actually a deal-breaker for me if my fiancee does not keep her last name. The idea of a woman accepting my last name makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

So I'm not going to get married unless she agrees to keep her last name.

 

Interesting. I like your opinion, but am curious why that is.

[Lizzie60]

I'm a man and I have to say I feel the total opposite of what most men feel about a woman taking my last name.

 

It's actually a deal-breaker for me if my fiancee does not keep her last name. The idea of a woman accepting my last name makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

So I'm not going to get married unless she agrees to keep her last name.

 

 

OOooohh... Rich.. you're my type of guy... funny and intelligent..

[You'reasian]

But identity is more than just a name. To me, it is a matter of personal choice and does not indicate any weakness. There's no way anybody who knows me would not describe me as strong and independent. However I think a man who insists on it to the extent of it being a dealbreaker is either insecure or controlling or both

 

...and trustworthy gotta have that too.

 

That's a reasonable and fair point of view.

[carhill]

As an enlightened non-traditional male, I was happy to accept my stbx keeping her maiden name (heard her 'reasons') when getting married. She was less happy when I, being an enlightened, non-traditional male, declined to add that maiden name to property I had owned long prior to becoming married. It was an unhappiness I would hear often during our M. In the end, she was probably wise to keep her maiden name, for it saved her time and energy and money. I'm happy for that

[Peter Attis]

The feminist bull**** is strong in this thread.

[norajane]

She is 42, and has a career and a "name".

 

They can try to compromise and she can continue to use her name at work, while changing it legally to appease him. If it's that important to him.

 

There are a few women at work who have married after being in their positions/with the company for some years. They did change their names legally, but no one, and I mean no one, at our company ever calls them by their new names, and no one can seem to remember their new names in order to send email. They've been married for years now and have pretty much given up trying to get anyone to use their married names because they're so established under their real names.

[antiemp]

Yeah, this is probably right. Men who this is important to are into traditional roles or have a more traditional view of marriage (name changing, wife as the "stay at home mom.")

 

That's oversimplifying. You're turning around from saying that women taking last names is a stereotype, and then throwing a new stereotype that men who want a woman to take their last name are going to generalize that tradition into all aspects of life.

 

In the progressive society we live in today, we pick and choose traditions. Many people only have specific pieces of traditions they care about, and throw out the rest without a problem. Many will throw out traditions entirely, or take on reversals with males taking the name of the females. It is pure idiocy to start assuming that the acceptance of an desire for one tradition implies many others. Instead, talk about it. Stop assuming and talk.

 

I personally would even go as far as saying that women who change their name for their husband's are weaker women... strong, independant women do NOT lose their identity for any man... it's that simple..

 

I have to admit that I don't have much 'respect' for women who change their name... I know it's bad.. but I can't help it.. I see it as a weakness..

 

This is incredibly narrow minded. There are so many reasons other than tradition to change your name when you get married. I know many women who don't like their last name, or really like the last name of their future husband. Here again we have an example of over-generalizing. Stop assuming and talk. Ask the woman why she changed her name. Maybe she just outright didn't care and her husband wanted it. Maybe she really wanted the new last name for her own purposes and reasons. Maybe you have no idea the life story of that woman, and prejudging her for changing her name is asinine.

[sally4sara]

Four years ago, when I moved to the state i now live in, I learned I would have to fully retest to get my state drivers license. Right before I did, I lost my current home state ID. It had been issued right before I changed from my married name back to my maiden name. I changed in back in the separation. On my divorce papers, I am listed as my maiden name.

I had such a hassle getting my licensed issued! 8 trips the the BMV yielded nothing but frustration due to them asking me to prove I was once under my ex's last name 6 years after the fact. Impossible. I had to go in one day and pretend I had never had a license before, get my temps, go through 2 weeks of driver's school, wait 6 more months to take the formal test. Never again.

 

I just married my husband who, love him to pieces, has a a horrific last name. It is his father's name and that man is a horrific person. My husband even considered taking my last name just to escape the association, but so many people call him by it because it isn't a name you'd likely forget. I told him not to take my name because of the hassle I'd experienced with it.

 

I love my last name. I don't know my father so I only think of it as MY name. It is my son's middle name. I didn't want to change my name for my first marriage, but he was all insulted by the idea of me not changing it (though he thought it weird when I said I wasn't mad at him for not wanting to take mine ).

There really is no good reason to change your last name, it only ever complicates document authentication and as well, being found by old friends. It is a left over nod to ownership of another person. Slaves were often given their owner's name; but it is suppose to be an honor in marriage?

People have even suggested both my husband and I hyphen combine as a compromise. We just sorta shrug; we don't really understand why most assume it is a point of contention between us. It is wasn't a problem before we were married, why would it need to be now?

[Els]

Hm, I dunno. I personally would take my H's in a heartbeat - I don't quite see the fuss with it (except for unusual legal circumstances like in S4S's case, of course). After all, for most of us our last name isn't really ours - we didn't choose it, it's our father's name. So to me, it doesn't really matter either way.

 

Also, as an Asian, I guess people would really look down on my H as henpecked if he took mine, whereas it'd be seen as the normal course of events if I took his. Not really fair, but since when was society fair?

 

I do think that women should be entitled to keep their father's/family's name if they choose, though.

[Lizzie60]

They will never respect and be attracted to these men. Lizzie said that men who insist a woman takes his name are macho but when I look around I see macho men being the winners in marriage.

 

 

Tell me about it.. I know...

[RedDevil66]

A women cannot take her husbands last name in my province, but even if we could, why would anyone want to change their name?

 

It's like changing your first name and taking away your identity.

 

This whole "oneness" is outdated

[Art_Critic]

It means she is not really committed to the marriage.

 

This has been my experience as well Woggle..

I'm trying not to generalize as you have though but of all the people who I have known who refused or didn't change their name are also no longer married and some of those marriages didn't last long.

 

That doesn't mean that there are not people out there who didn't change their names who were committed.. it just means of the people I have known.

 

Although.. if the woman had a real high profile or involved career and changing her name would hurt her career then I would think it doesn't fall into the commitment category.

[Woggle]

Tell me about it.. I know...

 

You agree so what exactly do men get out of being progressive feminists?

[WalkInThePark]

I have to admit that I don't have much 'respect' for women who change their name... I know it's bad.. but I can't help it.. I see it as a weakness..

 

I agree. My ex was a guy who always told everyone he was oh so emancipated. But when he married his W took his name. All of a sudden I found her on the internet with his family name. I told friends of mine: I guess they got married. Or... maybe he adopted her?

 

I guess it also depends from one culture to another. In my country it is very uncommon for a woman to take her husband's name. Even the generations before me not everyone did it. Maybe it is because my country has a very high percentage of women who work.

Older people would most of the time use the double name. In Germany people can choose: either the woman's name or the man's name or a double one.

The furthest I would go is the double name, with mine first and his second.

 

A woman who takes the name of her H is in my eyes someone who does not have an own identity.

[WalkInThePark]

He is just trying to maximize his odds of having a happy marriage that lasts. Feminists tend not to make good marriage partners.

 

Well, if you mean by feminist a woman who has her own income, I bet a man who marries a feminist will be better off than our fellow poster Gerhard who is married to an Asian golddigger.

[Woggle]

Well, if you mean by feminist a woman who has her own income, I bet a man who marries a feminist will be better off than our fellow poster Gerhard who is married to an Asian golddigger.

 

My wife has her own income but she is far from a feminist. Feminists just have a mentality that is at odds with a happy marriage that lasts.

[stillafool]

I think it all about personal preference also. I was delighted to take my hubby's last name. I love being called Mrs. -------.

[Lizzie60]

It is a silly tradition that should, like in Quebec, be abolished... (I guess we, Quebecers, are more open-minded)

 

A woman gets her name at birth from her father.. then later changes it to her husband's name (which he gets from his father). This name change IMO means that the woman's father and her husband have control over her and that only male descent is 'important', and that females are not important enough.. and should therefore be taken from their identity.. (which they got from their fathers).. go figure..

 

I always thought this tradition doesn't make sense and is sooooo not fair to women..

[Lauriebell82]

That's oversimplifying. You're turning around from saying that women taking last names is a stereotype, and then throwing a new stereotype that men who want a woman to take their last name are going to generalize that tradition into all aspects of life.

 

In the progressive society we live in today, we pick and choose traditions. Many people only have specific pieces of traditions they care about, and throw out the rest without a problem. Many will throw out traditions entirely, or take on reversals with males taking the name of the females. It is pure idiocy to start assuming that the acceptance of an desire for one tradition implies many others. Instead, talk about it. Stop assuming and talk.

 

 

This is incredibly narrow minded. There are so many reasons other than tradition to change your name when you get married. I know many women who don't like their last name, or really like the last name of their future husband. Here again we have an example of over-generalizing. Stop assuming and talk. Ask the woman why she changed her name. Maybe she just outright didn't care and her husband wanted it. Maybe she really wanted the new last name for her own purposes and reasons. Maybe you have no idea the life story of that woman, and prejudging her for changing her name is asinine.

 

Wow, you don't like anyone opinions do you? You want me to talk, okay I will.

 

It's been my experience that men who it is very important that their wife take their name (to the point where it's a dealbreaker) do have more traditional views about marriage (the woman does the cooking and cleaning). That's not to say that every single man feels this way.

 

I see you are new to LS. We welcome you, but I have to say that this site is about opinions and advice. Everyone will differ in how they feel. It's important to keep an open mind when it comes to other's thoughts. Otherwise you will come off as very judgemental and confrontation.

 

Sorry to get off topic with that last little bit!

[LDR]

 

It's been my experience that men who it is very important that their wife take their name (to the point where it's a dealbreaker) do have more traditional views about marriage (the woman does the cooking and cleaning). That's not to say that every single man feels this way.

 

I agree with Lauribell. MOST of the men who consider it a dealbreaker or insist on it have traditional views. . . that is why I would run if my boyfriend insisted on it.

[Rollercoasterr]

My fiance is from Quebec and women up there don't usually take the mens last name. His mom legally took his dad's last name, but socially she uses her maiden name.

 

He didn't specify his preference one way or the other, he just told me that women don't really do that up there. However, I will be DELIGHTED to take his last name. I think it sounds awesome with my first. I don't think that makes me the weaker sex. I make my own money, I pay my own bills, and I'm far from dependent on him. Taking his last name is just something I want to do FOR ME.

 

However, I'm also one of the women that thinks that I can have my own career(and be damn good at it), and also take care of the home. It's not that I want to take care of HIM, I want to take care of our home. But I was raised that way. I'm southern and I was raised with Southern Hospitality in my blood as well as a sense of pride in caring for my home.

[norajane]

It is a silly tradition that should, like in Quebec, be abolished... (I guess we, Quebecers, are more open-minded)

 

A woman gets her name at birth from her father.. then later changes it to her husband's name (which he gets from his father). This name change IMO means that the woman's father and her husband have control over her and that only male descent is 'important', and that females are not important enough.. and should therefore be taken from their identity.. (which they got from their fathers).. go figure..

 

I always thought this tradition doesn't make sense and is sooooo not fair to women..

 

It makes perfect sense in societies where women are considered property, and that's exactly what they were back in the day before feminism.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

It makes perfect sense in societies where women are considered property, and that's exactly what they were back in the day before feminism.

 

Wait, wait, are you implying that my wife IS NOT my property?

 

Just kidding of course.

 

My wife took my name quicker than you can imagine (a strong move too with a last name like mine). I remember calling my insurance agent just a week or two after getting married and adding my wife as an additional insured. In our state the driver's lic# begins with the same letter as your last name. The agent was actually impressed that she had changed her license as quickly as she had.

 

On the other hand, I would not be surprised if one (or more) of my four daughters takes a stand against changing her name for her husband... it's a sign of the times I guess.

[bluewolf17]

My BF and I have discussed this.

 

I love my last name. It means a lot to me. Lots of history, and I would like to keep it.

 

My BF has a generic last name. While there is family history, there is not much. That's not a big deal, but he hates his dad, and so do I. He's a awful human being. My father treats my BF like a son. He loves him. I would be honored if my BF wanted to take our last name. It would mean the world to me, as I am the only one who can pass on my fathers name. My BF has said he would be happy to do it.

 

Keep in mind, if most ways, my BF is very traditional. I was actually suprised. I can't tell you how much that means to me that he would let me keep my name, and change his.

 

If you don't want to change your name, then don't. If it's a deal breaker, walk away. Maybe you can come to a agreement.