Friend won't take husband's name

[Devil Dog]

One of these days, when I do eventually get married, she's taking my name, or she's not taking me. It doesn't mean she's weak or submissive, that she's my property, or that she isn't equal to me.

 

My last name has a lot of history, and I didn't realize until now what an honor it is to have my name. My future wife will understand this and honor it.

[aerogurl87]

Maybe I'm traditional, but when I do get married one day I intend to take my future husband's last name. It's what my mom did, what her mom did, and what I intend to do also. Plus it's not a big deal for me.

[bentnotbroken]

One of these days, when I do eventually get married, she's taking my name, or she's not taking me. It doesn't mean she's weak or submissive, that she's my property, or that she isn't equal to me.

 

My last name has a lot of history, and I didn't realize until now what an honor it is to have my name. My future wife will understand this and honor it.

 

 

So correct me if I am wrong, you are saying her name may not have enough history and you shouldn't honor it also? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

[sally4sara]

One of these days, when I do eventually get married, she's taking my name, or she's not taking me. It doesn't mean she's weak or submissive, that she's my property, or that she isn't equal to me.

 

My last name has a lot of history, and I didn't realize until now what an honor it is to have my name. My future wife will understand this and honor it.

 

My mother's maiden name goes all the way back to the biblical first family. Top THAT for a lot of history.

[Devil Dog]

So correct me if I am wrong, you are saying her name may not have enough history and you shouldn't honor it also? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

 

It means there's a lot of history and pride that goes along with my name. I live in a rural area that's dominated by German immigrant families. If being the granddaughter of a former Nazi and a dairy farmer their whole life means so much to them as to keep their name, I'll marry someone else.

 

My mother's maiden name goes all the way back to the biblical first family. Top THAT for a lot of history.

 

That would be difficult to prove, as most records were destroyed at some point or other, in the Medieval era, and almost every civilization before then didn't keep any kind of genealogical records, or census data of kind. Also, many religious people like to claim they are descendants from prophets or other famous religious figures.

 

But don't worry, I believe you.

[sally4sara]

It means there's a lot of history and pride that goes along with my name. I live in a rural area that's dominated by German immigrant families. If being the granddaughter of a former Nazi and a dairy farmer their whole life means so much to them as to keep their name, I'll marry someone else.

 

 

 

That would be difficult to prove, as most records were destroyed at some point or other, in the Medieval era, and almost every civilization before then didn't keep any kind of genealogical records, or census data of kind. Also, many religious people like to claim they are descendants from prophets or other famous religious figures.

 

But don't worry, I believe you.

 

If your last name is Poopstain and your husbands last name is Taylor and he says "phooey on your name! my last name has a long history so drop your name and take mine", how does one prove they are of the first Taylor? You are exactly right, they likely cannot. Just pointing out that the simple belief in the value of a last name can hinge on damn near whatever and be as true as the inability to prove it untrue.

My mother's maiden name is an old biblical name but common as white bread. So someone telling her her last name means nothing is as relative as the value she places on it. I'm not claiming we are direct descendants of Adam and Eve or nothing. I don't even know if they really ever existed.

 

One thing I did hear that is kinda cool was that because women always knew a kid was of them, but men could not be certain till DNA testing was possible, many more women can trace their heritage accurately than men. I've been rolling this one around in my head because my family has gotten ancestry crazy lately and they were talking about this. I pointed out that if a kid were conceived by an affair, the only way they could prove back then that they were not actually of their family tree was if their mother knew for certain and told them "you're not really your dad's kid shhhhh". Other than that, most people just assume they are part of their family even if in fact the milkman did the deed and no one was the wiser.

 

So really, no one can prove much of their names historical resonance for certain. Its all about personal investment and desire. Men who expect their wife to take their last name, period, cannot really lay claim to anything so far back. It is a simple desire to have their name be of more importance than their wife's. Sounds like an inferiority complex to me. Otherwise, it just wouldn't matter.

I'm glad I didn't make the mistake of marrying someone so petty.

[sweetjasmine]

My last name has a lot of history,

 

So does mine. Why should I be pressured to change it solely because of my gender?

 

All my documents in three separate countries and all of my degrees are in my original name. If a man demanded I take his name, he wouldn't be the one who would have to deal with the massive headache of making sure two dozen documents are in order and then dealing with "is this really you?" ID problems at border checks. I've already had enough ID problems in my life. If he insisted on disrespecting my family history by demanding I take his name and insisted on making document problems even more complicated, well, I'd be pretty pissed off.

[terra]

I won't change my last name when I get married. I like it, it has meaning to me and if it bothers a guy that we don't have the same last name then he is more than welcome to take mine.

 

and the whole "my name has more history" is total BS.

[Devil Dog]

So really, no one can prove much of their names historical resonance for certain. Its all about personal investment and desire. Men who expect their wife to take their last name, period, cannot really lay claim to anything so far back. It is a simple desire to have their name be of more importance than their wife's. Sounds like an inferiority complex to me. Otherwise, it just wouldn't matter.

I'm glad I didn't make the mistake of marrying someone so petty.

 

I love insults. While no one can know with absolute certainty, my grandmother didn't just pull our family history out of her *ss. But what's petty to you, may not be to me.

 

So does mine. Why should I be pressured to change it solely because of my gender?

 

Well, the good news is, you don't have to. It's a personal preference, like having a monogamous or open marriage, having children or not, being a stay-at-home parent or having a career.

 

Losing your individuality is ludicrous, if changing your last name = losing your individuality, then how were you an individual in the first place, if you are trading one last name, for another?

[sally4sara]

I love insults. While no one can know with absolute certainty, my grandmother didn't just pull our family history out of her *ss. But what's petty to you, may not be to me.

 

 

 

Well, the good news is, you don't have to. It's a personal preference, like having a monogamous or open marriage, having children or not, being a stay-at-home parent or having a career.

 

Losing your individuality is ludicrous, if changing your last name = losing your individuality, then how were you an individual in the first place, if you are trading one last name, for another?

 

Then why be so insistent that your future wife take your name rather than keep her own? What happens to your identity if she doesn't?

 

Oh, and you're welcome. No trouble at all.

[sweetjasmine]

Losing your individuality is ludicrous, if changing your last name = losing your individuality, then how were you an individual in the first place, if you are trading one last name, for another?

 

I never claimed changing your name = losing your individuality.

 

You said your name has history and that's why you don't want to change it. Do you think no one else's name has history? What if your potential wife's name has history, too? Why should she change hers?

[Eeyore79]

Sometimes you just don't like your boyfriend's last name. I think I'd be more inclined to take his surname if it was a nice one, but if it was something bland and boring then I'd want to keep my own last name. The same goes if his is an ethnic last name and I'm not of that ethnicity, or if his surname simply doesn't go with my first name. If his surname sounds upper-class and wealthy, or sounds really nice with my first name, then I might consider taking it, otherwise I'd prefer to keep my own.

[troggleputty]

My mother's maiden name is an old biblical name but common as white bread.

 

Your mother's maiden name is Aramaic?

 

Or are you one of those innocent souls who believe God wrote the Bible in English?

[Peter Attis]

Sounds like an inferiority complex to me. Otherwise, it just wouldn't matter.

I'm glad I didn't make the mistake of marrying someone so petty.

 

Oh, GOD, I love the hypocrisy here!

[yume]

Thinking about this, I think when you get married you should WANT to take your husbands name. To me.... its a little bit of a thrill, actually....like you're officially legally linked. To a person you love.

 

Hm.

 

No idea where this reasoning came from... I have been nothing close to a romantic these past few months

[sally4sara]

Oh, GOD, I love the hypocrisy here!

 

How is my post one of hypocrisy? I wasn't demanding my husband take my last name. Do you understand the definition of hypocrisy?

 

The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.

 

So expecting someone to change their last name while refusing to do the same would be hypocrisy and itsn't that what some of the posters on here are wanting? The wife to automatically change her last name (to HIS no less) while the husband keeps his as it was prior to the marriage.

[Peter Attis]

Do YOU?

 

So let me get this straight--a man demanding that his wife takes his last name is a sign of an inferiority complex and that he's petty because a last name shouldn't matter, but a woman refusing to take her husband's last name isn't the same? You seein what I'm seein here?

 

Not to mention that I don't see how a lot of the women who have so adamantly refused to take their husband's names have any place to call anyone else petty, since so many of them have so blatantly insulted not only the men who want their wives to take their last names, but the women who actually WANT to take their husbands' names.

[Stung]

Thinking about this, I think when you get married you should WANT to take your husbands name. To me.... its a little bit of a thrill, actually....like you're officially legally linked. To a person you love.

 

Hm.

 

No idea where this reasoning came from... I have been nothing close to a romantic these past few months

 

That's quite sweet, and I hope that when you do marry you feel the same thrill about changing your name.

 

Personally I felt the thrill about getting married, about seeing the marriage certificate and exchanging the rings, and I am officially legally linked to a person I love...I just didn't change my last name.

[Stung]

Do YOU?

 

So let me get this straight--a man demanding that his wife takes his last name is a sign of an inferiority complex and that he's petty because a last name shouldn't matter, but a woman refusing to take her husband's last name isn't the same? You seein what I'm seein here?

 

Not to mention that I don't see how a lot of the women who have so adamantly refused to take their husband's names have any place to call anyone else petty, since so many of them have so blatantly insulted not only the men who want their wives to take their last names, but the women who actually WANT to take their husbands' names.

 

 

Most people that I have read have not insulted women who want to change their names; in fact I think it was only Lizzie who said anything about that. And nobody has said that there is a double standard wherein a man wanting his wife to take his name is somehow pure evil...what most people are trying to get is some recognition that a woman's name can be just as important to her as a man's name is to him. One poster stubbornly insisting that his name has history doesn't in any way negate that a woman's name might also have history, and it's frustrating when people dismiss or ignore that.

 

Nobody is negating that men's names are often quite important to them, we are pointing out that women's names are often important TOO, and that a non-traditional viewpoint on marital/family names is not necessarily invalid or reflective of lack of commitment. Also most of us have been pointing out that 'demanding' someone change their name is pretty high-handed. Presumably you would be incensed if someone DEMANDED you change yours? Marriage is best approached with compromise.

[sally4sara]

Do YOU?

 

So let me get this straight--a man demanding that his wife takes his last name is a sign of an inferiority complex and that he's petty because a last name shouldn't matter, but a woman refusing to take her husband's last name isn't the same? You seein what I'm seein here?

 

Not to mention that I don't see how a lot of the women who have so adamantly refused to take their husband's names have any place to call anyone else petty, since so many of them have so blatantly insulted not only the men who want their wives to take their last names, but the women who actually WANT to take their husbands' names.

 

No it isn't the same because she isn't demanding he do what he is demanding of her. She ISN'T demanding he change his name. That is why is ISN'T hypocrisy. Hypocrisy IS demanding someone do what you won't do.

 

Do you see women who keep their last names as the same as asking someone else to change their name? She isn't asking him to do something the opposite of what she will be doing. She isn't asking him to do ANYTHING. Simply declining to change her own will not magically change his last name.

 

I have said nothing negative about women who CHOOSE to change their last names. I have said nothing about men who ASK their wife to take their last name. I HAVE said negative things over the hypocrisy that is inherent to someone DEMANDING their wife change their last name when the one making the demand will not be changing their last name.

 

And honestly, I'm stunned I needed to explain it to such length for you to be able to understand that you are using the word hypocrisy incorrectly.

[carhill]

There's a book out which covers this dynamic

 

"Imagine a world in which roles were reversed and men cooked for women, picked up socks, and couldn't wait to get married...and encourage their wives to keep their names"

[Peter Attis]

Bah, forget it. Not worth my time.

Edited March 10, 2010 by Peter Attis

[MichelleZB]

I'm pretty sure that a decision to keep her name doesn't signal a woman's commitment to her marriage one way or another. We all know women who kept their names and women who changed their names who are now divorced--so marriages can break down either way.

 

I don't see a woman with her birth name as a woman who has one foot out the door of her marriage--but that's mainly because I have many real life examples of committed couples who kept their names.

 

Both my parents kept their names and they have been happily married for 30 years. My aunt and uncle both hyphenated their names (took each other's names) and they have been happily married for 45 years.

 

Since keeping your name is a fairly common thing in my family, when I was married, no-one even asked me whether I would take my husband's name. They all assumed I wouldn't--and my husband assumed that, too. So it wasn't even an issue.

 

I think once more women keep their names, it will seem more normal to everyone, and people will stop seeing it as a rebellion or a sign of non-commitment.

 

I have a happy, respectful partnership with my husband. We have shown our commitment to each other every day in our actions--taking each other's sides in conflicts, say, or supporting each other when the going gets rough in our jobs or lives. We have both made sacrifices to make our marriage work, and make an effort to treat each other with respect and kindness. Our actions are what matter, not what we're called.

 

The same would go for a husband or wife who chose to take their spouses' name. Their actions and commitment in the marriage would be what matters--not what they're called.