My BF & His Female Colleague: Dinners and Movies...Should I Be Wary?

[krys111]

Hi, I've been wondering if my feelings of jealousy is warranted because I get really disturbed by it whenever my BF spends time with his female colleague.

 

Here's the breakdown:

 

* We spend a lot of time together and in comparison to all my other past BFs, he's been great and generous with his time and love

 

* I am always invited to all social functions involving his college friends

 

* I am also invited to join group, work related functions

 

* But there will be times when he will meet up with another female colleague who is on his level on the 'work chain' to talk shop. I don't really have a problem when it is done on work grounds, but when it is down over dinner and a movie, that's when I get REALLY jealous.

 

* Tricky thing is, this female colleague has been a friend prior to their current work situation. He even says that they were good friends. He speaks highly of her because she is an extremely capable and brilliant individual (and this is my opinion as well).

 

* In the last 6 months, this dinner and movie business has happened 3 times. Which doesn't seem like a whole lot. But nonetheless, I feel just as jealous each time.

 

* For example, today, he went into work. He called before heading in and I asked if I would see him at all tonight. He said that he couldn't because he agreed to check out a movie with this woman. I asked, well how about later in the night, when it's over. He said, "no." So I go out with my friends and had a great time with them. He actually calls at 10:30PM as I was heading home. He offers to come by to pick me up and give me a ride. When he arrives, he informs me that instead of working, he spent most of the day helping this woman move into her new apartment. After which they went to dinner and watched the movie.

 

* I've read some of the other responses in this forum where people said it significant others should at least call...well he called...and that they should not be secretive about how significant others spend their time with people of the opposite sex...and he was open to share....should I be satisfied? Should I even be jealous? I mean, friends are there to help each other, right? When I moved, I recruited my guy friends to help me...why should things be different for this woman?....sigh...

 

I guess this is the jist of the situation...I think this is enough to get the conversation started...should I be jealous? Or should I just appreciate all that I have? What do you think?

[Kat]

It all comes down to what you are and aren't comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with him having dinner and the going to see a movie with another female, then you have the right to be. However, unless you share this with him, he won't know.

 

Personally I would wonder why, if you are invited so many places, why not invited to the movies and dinner with them??

 

I would think it is perfectly normal to go to dinner and a movie with someone, if you were dating them, or they were family. Dinner and movie outings are either for dates, or for doing in a group of friends.

 

I would be jealous and I would be worried, but I would have made my feelings known already.

 

Good luck

[Melinda]

It's extremely alarming to hear that you tolerate that...

 

That sounds a bit too chummy and personal...dinner and a movie...how can they talk in the movies?!

 

That is totally unecessary. I wouldn't even let him have dinner with her! I used to be all trustworthy and easygoing and boy did that backfire, as I was cheated on...there's no way on god's green earth that I'm going to allow that happen to me again...

 

There is no way in hell I would tolerate that! Not even once!

 

And I'd be very angry at him for a long time if I had found out that he had put aside a night with me to help some lady move into her house...I was in that situation earlier this year...a workfriend of my bfs smsed him with personal messages of friendship, and referred to him as "babe"...and wanted him to help her move into her new apartment...

 

I said no way, and if he does, i'd be out the door, because I didn't know her and it didn't sit with me and right from the start she made me feel uncomfortable. And he also spoke highly of her but that didn't matter to me.

 

He's with you, not her, he should put you first, not a past friendship, no matter how great or significant...why tempt fate?

[krys111]

Needless to say, I was kept up all night by this since I am a severe worry-wart. Melinda: I am totally the type of gal who is relaxed and laid back. I am respectful of his time and respect him greatly because he's very mature and always thoughtful. Honestly, my ONLY complaint/problem with our relationship is this 'friendship' he has with this woman. I have never been cheated on in past relationships and he definitely does not seem to be that type either, but I can't help but feel the wary.

 

I've definitely made my jealousy clear and the last time they went out, we had a conversation about it. But dinner was about work and the movie...well he thought I wasn't interested in seeing that particular movie (I think I've hinted at that prior to their 'date') so I thought it was at least legitimate.

 

But this time, he knew that I wanted to see the movie they went to see. If they're friends, and he's never hesitated to invite me to join other 'friend' outtings, then why I was I not invited this time?! I will speak to him about this today...hopefully there is a satisfying reason....

 

sigh...

[Melinda]

I hope that whatever he has to say for himself is good enough for you. I have explained to my bf in the past that I don't like being not asked at all, because he assumes I'll say no...but that I would rather be asked, that way, I feel like I've been included, whether he wanted me to go or not it shows he has nothing to hide...

 

I wish I was as laid back as you but I don't think I'll ever be the same.

 

But i'm glad you haven't felt what it's like to be really trusting and then being burned...several times...they never do seem the type that's the thing isn't it?

 

Take care

 

If things don't add up for you keep your eyes open.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

I have a quick question for you. How do you think your boyfriend would react if you told him you have a colleague and you like to talk about work over dinner and then go to a movies together in the evening? I think it is ridiculous that you accept this disrespect. Are you in an exclusive relationship or not? These are the things a person does with others when he is not in an exclusive relationship. There is nothing wrong with all of your going out together but I really think this is unacceptable. I guarantee you if the roles were reversed, he would not be pleased. Good luck.

[SoleMate]

What I would accept:

 

* 1:1 lunches during a workday

* Dinner only - and home right after

* Meals and movies in groups

 

What I couldn't handle:

 

* Extended 1:1 time, esp. evenings or weekends, esp. in a private place like her apartment

* Non-business travel together

 

How about just saying, "I would have loved to help her move too. Next time, how about I join you?" His answer will tell you a lot. If you go, you would behave friendly in a casual way - take their relationship at its platonic face value until good evidence shows otherwise.

 

Good luck!

[krys111]

BryanP's response made me think of something...how much should a person's life change (or be adjusted) as a result of being in an exclusive relationship? What kinds of adjustments are acceptable and unacceptable? I have some of my own thoughts on this topic, but I'm interested in hearing what other people think first....