Gertie Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 I was just wondering if anyone has any tips on fighting fair in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have some really nasty rows. He tends to take off the gloves and hit below the belt. In turn, I overreact in response to the anger and mistrust left over from my past relationships, and I completely lose my temper and want to end it right then and there rather than suffer another minute. Both of us are at fault at different times, and we both know that when we let it escalate it ALWAYS gets bad. I worry that I can't stay with someone with such a short fuse, and he worries that he's in an unstable relationship if I want to break up after every argument. "Couples fight," everyone says, but I'm learning that I hold grudges that are just waiting to be triggered each time. I've already decided for the time being that this relationship is worth working hard for, and until I decide otherwise the only thing I can control is my own behavior in a fight. Sometimes the "walk around the block" doesn't work and I'm still angry at him for being a jerk and can't forgive him long after he's cooled off. I've never been very good at meditation, and when I just try to bite my tongue and be rational I end up swallowing lumps of rage -- is "letting go" something you can train yourself to do? And if so, how can I let go of th anger before the fight escalates? Maybe I can pass the advice on to him, too ... Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 Instead of giving you advice on how to "fight fair" with your boyfriend, I would advise you to... NOT fight with your boyfriend. If you have things that you disagree about, talk it over calmy. If you can't communicate in a way that lets you both be understanding of each other's points of views, then you definitely need to work on that. He tends to take off the gloves and hit below the belt. In turn, I overreact in response to the anger and mistrust left over from my past relationships ...Is taking out the frustrations of your past on him a good or a fair way of handling things? Sounds like you need deal with the pain you are still feeling before you push him away, if you think he is worth keeping... and I completely lose my temper and want to end it right then and there rather than suffer another minute. If you are 'suffering' in your relationship, why stay in it? Yeah, couples are going to fight, but they shouldn't do it aaallll the time. If it is getting to the point that you are unhappy often, talk to him about this and see what could be best for the two of you (i.e. dating others, breaking it off completely and being just friends, taking a few days to "cool off" before speaking again, etc.) Good luck. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gertie Posted January 3, 2004 Author Share Posted January 3, 2004 Yeah, I was worried that was how it would come across. What I mean by "fair fighting" is how to work out problems that come up in relationships without getting too angry. It's not a question of whether we should stay together, we're in love, and if we can work this out we have a very promising future. I meant my question more from the aspect of keeping one's temper. Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 -get professional help. -leave the room and count to 10 -don't have anything nice to say, don't say it -look past the anger. All anger is, is pain twisted. We get angry when we get upset or hurt and are unabe (or unwilling) to express it, or share the pain, and transfer it into anger. -use the phrase 'sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that, that was really rude of me. I am really upset because of .......' -just give him a hug when you feel like yelling at him, or feel another unhappy word coming on All those have helped me combat my current relationship. I was in an abusive one before this one, with lots of violence and screaming (joy) and had a hard time getting used to the fact that 'yelling' wasn't normal. Explain yourself. Don't throw around accusations, simply explain how you feel as a result of something. Don't blame, don't throw in nasty comments that are 'below the belt', and most of all get to a point where you 'don't want to fight' Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 What I mean by "fair fighting" is how to work out problems that come up in relationships without getting too angry. Try not to confront him over silly things, and if at all possible - do not nag (I'm still working on this one ). Trying to prevent him from getting angry over nothing will help you as well. If he's pissed, though, you're sure to follow. Do you communicate well? Respect each other? Simply tell him what's buggin you, and why. If he doesn't think you have any reason to feel the way you feel, don't push it. Sometimes just expressing yourself and making a differing opinion known will make you feel lots better. Something else, if one of you starts to get "too angry", take a break from the subject. Either get off the phone, go out and do something without your S.O. - just chill out a bit. If its really important and needs to be settled, try to bring it up later. Lastly, I don't really know the extent of the problems you two are having with keeping your tempers. If it's a serious problem, maybe you should try counseling. Just a thought. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gertie Posted January 3, 2004 Author Share Posted January 3, 2004 It's true that sometimes "nagging" can just feel like saying what needs to be said to get things right. I wish I was more laid back, one of those people who just let everything roll off their backs... then his tantrums wouldn't bother me so much. I will also definitely try the physical contact when I'm getting angry approach --maybe not a hug, but hand holding always seems to calm everyone down... Thanks guys! Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 Originally posted by Gertie I will also definitely try the physical contact when I'm getting angry approach hahaha I read that and got scared Link to post Share on other sites
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