Why is my gf being weird about facebook?

[mani81]

My gf (23) and I (28) have dated for 4 months, and are very close (hang out together every night) and happy. She's even dropped the "i love you" on me recently. My gf says her last bf was a guy she dated for just a month last July. She had said in passing before his name was "Justin" and that's all I knew about the guy. Out of curiosity I had glanced quickly at the different Justin's on her facebook friends page but thought nothing of it after that...

 

I checked our computer's history the other day and Opera ranks pages based on how often you go to them. My facebook page was a "frequently viewed" page and the only other facebook profile other than mine that was a "frequently viewed one" was some Justin guy's facebook page. Recently, his page was viewed on Jan 7th and twice on Jan 25th. I assumed this is probably that Justin guy she used to date but since it was once every couple weeks, I figured, "No big deal to worry about..."

 

Well, just last night we were talking about facebook and the topic of exes was brought up. I said I didn't have any exes as friends and asked her if she did. She said she had only an old bf from highschool she dated for 3 years as a friend. I asked who her last bf was and she said, "Justin, from July." I asked, "are you facebook friends with him? She said, "No."

 

Later I asked her what the Justin she went out with's last name is. She kept asking, "Why do you want to know..? Why do you want to know..?" She wouldn't say so I told her I had looked at the different Justin's on her fb page a while back and was wondering if he was one of her friends on there. She told me his last name and, yep, it was the Justin she had been viewing semi-frequently recently.

 

Then she logged on her fb to delete any previous bf's. I was like, "I don't care about you being friends with exes.. i just didn't understand why you said you weren't friends with that guy.." She ended up doing it anyway. And she took off some other guys as well.

 

So I asked her why she said she wasn't a facebook friend with him. She said she thought she was but then deleted him after they broke up. Then I said, "So you misspoke i guess.. I mean - you don't even go to his page anymore..?" She said, "No." I said, "So when's the last time you've probably been to his page?" She said, "Probably in july when we were going out..."

 

So then I just fessed up and said I had looked in her history and that I saw that the page she most viewed next to mine was his. She said, "it showed up because she just had gone to it to delete it." I said, "No. Your browser shows it being seen on Jan 7th and 25th." Then she just said, "Well I don't go to his page. I haven't been to his page." And I say, "But your history...?" And again she says, "I don't go to his page... I haven't been to his page..." So...

 

I told my gf the reason I broke up with my last ex was because she would lie about the most trivial, benign things.. My current gf has always been saying how she never lies about anything but this time I caught her red-handed. (which makes me doubt her with other past things now..) Over something so stupid too. If she would have just said she was friends with that Justin guy I would've just been like.. ok. That's what I don't understand. She's super attentive and sweet and has always been a great gf. I don't think there's cheating going on... we're always together (basically living together) and she likes it... she's hardly ever on her phone and computer. but I still think her behavior is sketch for some cause.

 

I have noticed questionable behavior from her in the past though (I was the one who started the recent "my gf play fights with her guy friends" thread. Thankfully she has been very apologetic over that incident and said she won't act out of line again.) but this one I think is worse. To lie to someone shows you don't respect them.

[FryFish]

Dude, get OUT! She is a person who can lie without any remorse. From what little you have posted it seems like she HAS to lie about stupid little things... Do you want to be the chump she lies to about who she is having sex with?

[hoping2heal]

My gf (23) and I (28) have dated for 4 months, and are very close (hang out together every night) and happy. She's even dropped the "i love you" on me recently. My gf says her last bf was a guy she dated for just a month last July. She had said in passing before his name was "Justin" and that's all I knew about the guy. Out of curiosity I had glanced quickly at the different Justin's on her facebook friends page but thought nothing of it after that...

 

I checked our computer's history the other day and Opera ranks pages based on how often you go to them. My facebook page was a "frequently viewed" page and the only other facebook profile other than mine that was a "frequently viewed one" was some Justin guy's facebook page. Recently, his page was viewed on Jan 7th and twice on Jan 25th. I assumed this is probably that Justin guy she used to date but since it was once every couple weeks, I figured, "No big deal to worry about..."

 

Well, just last night we were talking about facebook and the topic of exes was brought up. I said I didn't have any exes as friends and asked her if she did. She said she had only an old bf from highschool she dated for 3 years as a friend. I asked who her last bf was and she said, "Justin, from July." I asked, "are you facebook friends with him? She said, "No."

 

Later I asked her what the Justin she went out with's last name is. She kept asking, "Why do you want to know..? Why do you want to know..?" She wouldn't say so I told her I had looked at the different Justin's on her fb page a while back and was wondering if he was one of her friends on there. She told me his last name and, yep, it was the Justin she had been viewing semi-frequently recently.

 

Then she logged on her fb to delete any previous bf's. I was like, "I don't care about you being friends with exes.. i just didn't understand why you said you weren't friends with that guy.." She ended up doing it anyway. And she took off some other guys as well.

 

So I asked her why she said she wasn't a facebook friend with him. She said she thought she was but then deleted him after they broke up. Then I said, "So you misspoke i guess.. I mean - you don't even go to his page anymore..?" She said, "No." I said, "So when's the last time you've probably been to his page?" She said, "Probably in july when we were going out..."

 

So then I just fessed up and said I had looked in her history and that I saw that the page she most viewed next to mine was his. She said, "it showed up because she just had gone to it to delete it." I said, "No. Your browser shows it being seen on Jan 7th and 25th." Then she just said, "Well I don't go to his page. I haven't been to his page." And I say, "But your history...?" And again she says, "I don't go to his page... I haven't been to his page..." So...

 

I told my gf the reason I broke up with my last ex was because she would lie about the most trivial, benign things.. My current gf has always been saying how she never lies about anything but this time I caught her red-handed. (which makes me doubt her with other past things now..) Over something so stupid too. If she would have just said she was friends with that Justin guy I would've just been like.. ok. That's what I don't understand. She's super attentive and sweet and has always been a great gf. I don't think there's cheating going on... we're always together (basically living together) and she likes it... she's hardly ever on her phone and computer. but I still think her behavior is sketch for some cause.

 

I have noticed questionable behavior from her in the past though (I was the one who started the recent "my gf play fights with her guy friends" thread. Thankfully she has been very apologetic over that incident and said she won't act out of line again.) but this one I think is worse. To lie to someone shows you don't respect them.

 

She lied to you 3-4 times in one go. I think when she proclaimed she "never lies" was too..a lie.

[meerkat stew]

If you nix the ones who ever fib over small things, might as well move to a monastery. No one, and I mean no one, is 100% honest, despite all the posturing you will see to the contrary. I'd let this episode slide and continue to get to know her, just keep your eyes open, which I assume you do anyway based on your checking her history. If you catch her in more lies, then dump.

[mani81]

If you nix the ones who ever fib over small things, might as well move to a monastery. No one, and I mean no one, is 100% honest, despite all the posturing you will see to the contrary. I'd let this episode slide and continue to get to know her, just keep your eyes open, which I assume you do anyway based on your checking her history. If you catch her in more lies, then dump.

 

But don't you think because this was a lie that dealt with an ex it makes it a little more shady than a normal white lie?

[meerkat stew]

But don't you think because this was a lie that dealt with an ex it makes it a little more shady than a normal white lie?

 

Yeah, but I tend to discount FB and other social networking sites as cheating fodder. She seemed willing to delete quickly, so would cut her some slack. A bad one would have spouted off a bunch of privileged bs about "just friends," or "you are jealous or controlling." The fact that she didn't give you the typical female noise, and instead hopped right to deleting them says some good things about her IMO, despite the fibs. I'd keep one like that as they are rare, she actually seems to know right from wrong and isn't trying to rationalize things her way at every turn.

[Bleed Internal]

But don't you think because this was a lie that dealt with an ex it makes it a little more shady than a normal white lie?

yes. it definitely does.

 

that post was hard for me to read. as soon as i finished, i sat here and said "oh man. red flags." aloud. these little instances of trivial lies remind me of my last relationship so much it's scary.

 

read this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159310/

 

that's just one example of the many times with my ex when i dealt with lies and shadiness regarding an ex of hers. this one in particular might be easier to relate to because it concerns digital snooping.

 

thank god no one has made that idiotic "you're just as wrong for breaking her privacy and looking through her things" argument. if someone is being shady, you have every right to look through their things. it's wrong when the person is innocent.

 

i looked through my ex-gf's stuff all the time and there were plenty of red flags. naturally, just as she lied about silly things like whether or not she had emailed someone, she lied about the fact that she was having sex with a guy on the side towards the end of our relationship. it was difficult for me to read mani's post because it brings back the pain of what my ex did to me, especially when i'm dating a new girl and actively trying to get over what happened.

 

it's also hard because i see mani setting himself up for heartbreak. my girl was cute and sweet and "a great gf" too, but there's a lot of red flags, bro. the same ones i had. you need to watch her. talking to ex's, physical mishaps (playfighting), etc. ugh. it's like revisiting a bad nightmare.

[Crow9726]

I have to agree with Meerkat Stew on this one.

 

Since you seem to be very astute and would notice any change in demeanor from her...I would continue as well and see if this is just one of a series of isolated incidents. Since she has tried to correct her behavior at each turn so far...it appears she is making the effort for you...at least to this point.

 

I would only caution you not to look for the negatives in situations as they arise...or let your suspicions control your time with her.

 

Time will tell soon enough...and you are smart enough to know the difference between what's true and what's BS.

[SuburbanOblivion]

I'm inclined to say cut her a little slack on this one. The fact that she deleted him says that they are not in contact, she was just being as nosey as anyone else who has ever googled their ex. If she were involved or even wanting to be involved with him she'd have been checking his page daily. 2 peeks does not an obsession make.

 

It was a lapse in judgment that I'm sure she regrets.

[kardee7]

It does sound like she's hiding something. Maybe try sitting down with her and putting everything out on the table. If she is hiding something it might be bigger in her mind then yours. Depending on how you feel you might say that she can tell you everything and you won't be mad but you just want to know. Get it all out there!!!

Also if she dated him for 3 years she may just be trying to find out what he's doing with his life to make herself feel better. A lot of people do that. Not because they have those kind of feelings for a person but because they want to feel better about themselves ie being in a new relationship before their ex. If it makes you feel any better I don't think she's cheating or that she even has those kind of feelings for him.

Seriously just talk to her, no judgements, be honest and no beating around the bush!

[Green]

I think its kind of shady of you to go checking histories and stuff. Seriously if some one did this to me it would piss me off.

 

As for her it was a white lie. She probably didn't want to anoy you with the fact that she did go to her bf's facebook page. I think she should probably just delete her bf from facebook for her sake and yours.

 

Seriously if you can't forgive her for this then how can you date any one. Just because she made a little lie like this doesn't mean she is lying about all the big things that count. Seriously this is like the same as some guy telling his gf he doesn't find other women attractive anymore or that she looks great in a dress she likes but you don't

[mani81]

I think its kind of shady of you to go checking histories and stuff. Seriously if some one did this to me it would piss me off.

 

As for her it was a white lie. She probably didn't want to anoy you with the fact that she did go to her bf's facebook page. I think she should probably just delete her bf from facebook for her sake and yours.

 

Seriously if you can't forgive her for this then how can you date any one. Just because she made a little lie like this doesn't mean she is lying about all the big things that count. Seriously this is like the same as some guy telling his gf he doesn't find other women attractive anymore or that she looks great in a dress she likes but you don't

 

To white lie about your most recent ex in such a weird way is more than just a white lie to me. To say, "Yeah we're still fb friends" wouldn't have been that big of a deal to me.. and she knew that. Just weird. And unlike her...

 

As for checking histories.. I agree. I'm not super thrilled to have to do it. For the first few months I never even thought of doing anything like that... But my girl has done some things recently that set off red flags soo...

Edited February 10, 2010 by mani81

[Dexter Morgan]

this is why I wont date anyone that is a facebook addict and has a problem with me being around while they are on it.

[EricaH329]

I find it amusing when you find something out, ask about it, and they obviously lie straight to your face.

 

I definitely wouldn't break up with her over this, but I would keep an eye out.

 

I know what you mean when you say that it wouldn't have mattered if she was honest about it, but the fact that she lied insinuates that she is trying to hide something.

 

Even though I have FB myself, I really wish that it was never made. So many relationship problems are caused by it it's insane!

[AsTearsGoBy]

You seem to be a sweet man. I think there is something happening here with your gf and her ex that she doesn't feel comfortable confiding to you. I don't know if she'd been unfaithful but I don't like that she is lying as she is. I think you should find out if she wants to remain with you and if she does, get counseling. I hope for you the best of luck.

[FooFighter]

Hey man, I've got a similar thread up from a couple of weeks back. In my case, my girlfriend is a major facebook addict and loves looking at everyone's pages regularly, including her ex's. If you wanna read the thread to get some more insight, it might help..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t219527/

[Maggotface]

Yeesh, give this poor girl a break. So what she checked in on an ex. She was very willing to delete all of them to make you happy and she didnt even seem to mind that you completely invaded her privacy. You were unhappy she had them on facebook so she took care of the problem with no fight. I doubt anything was going on so I would let it go.

[mani81]

Now I've been having a lot of remorse for checking her history. She said she's forgiven me and we've moved on past this stuff but what I did is still bothering me.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yeesh, give this poor girl a break. So what she checked in on an ex. She was very willing to delete all of them to make you happy and she didnt even seem to mind that you completely invaded her privacy. You were unhappy she had them on facebook so she took care of the problem with no fight. I doubt anything was going on so I would let it go.

 

problem is, she shouldn't have had them on there if she acted all weird about it. Obviously she herself figured she was doing something that was disrespectful to her bf....otherwise she'd have told OP that she was doing nothing wrong.

[meerkat stew]

problem is, she shouldn't have had them on there if she acted all weird about it. Obviously she herself figured she was doing something that was disrespectful to her bf....otherwise she'd have told OP that she was doing nothing wrong.

 

Agree with you, and when people realize and correct their mistakes willingly without a fuss, that's a sign of quality. We all make mistakes, it's how we process and learn from them that makes the difference.

[seibert253]

Now I've been having a lot of remorse for checking her history. She said she's forgiven me and we've moved on past this stuff but what I did is still bothering me.

 

Wrong.

 

You felt something was amiss, and you checked. There is nothing wrong in that. I know alot of BS's who would still be in the dark if they never did any investigating.

 

The only issue I have in all of this, is the fact that she'll lie about such trivial stupid sh$t. If someone will lie about something small, trust me more "bigger" lies will follow.

 

Has she ever admitted she lied and asked for forgiveness? If she wouldn't admit what she did, then you will have real problems later on down the road.

[Dexter Morgan]

Agree with you, and when people realize and correct their mistakes willingly without a fuss, that's a sign of quality.

 

 

I can agree with that........a little.

 

I'd have a problem with someone, for instance, correcting their "mistake" without a fuss and seeing it as a sign of quality if, for example, it was like, "oh, I'm sorry you are uncomfortable with what I'm doing, ...I promise I won't stick my tongue down their throat any more"

 

all depends on the nature of the "mistake". But like I said, if she was all weird and secretive about it, she knew it wasn't quite right to begin with.

[Dexter Morgan]

Now I've been having a lot of remorse for checking her history. She said she's forgiven me and we've moved on past this stuff but what I did is still bothering me.

 

She has forgiven you? I realize this wasn't exactly cheating or anything, but this is exactly what gaslighters do.

 

They do something they know they really shouldn't be doing, but throw the guilt on you as if you are the bad guy.

 

If she says she has forgiven you, you should say, "thanks honey, and I forgive you for being secretive with facebook and other guys, acting all weird about it, and lying to me"

[mani81]

Has she ever admitted she lied and asked for forgiveness? If she wouldn't admit what she did, then you will have real problems later on down the road.

 

Nope. When all I kept getting from her was, "I dont go to his page. I havent gone to his page, though..." I was just like, "um... ok..." I couldnt be much more explicit and I guess should couldnt handle herself being labeled a liar, so our conversation ended there.

 

It was an hour or so later that I sprang up with the, "Sorry about checking your history. I just thought the situation was weird." To which she forgave me and we havent spoken about it since.

[mani81]

She has forgiven you? I realize this wasn't exactly cheating or anything, but this is exactly what gaslighters do.

 

They do something they know they really shouldn't be doing, but throw the guilt on you as if you are the bad guy.

 

If she says she has forgiven you, you should say, "thanks honey, and I forgive you for being secretive with facebook and other guys, acting all weird about it, and lying to me"

 

Heh. Yeah, I could have been justified in saying that. I think the topic is behind us to a point where I don't know about bringing it up again...

 

Basically advise-wise, I've gotten a wide ranging spectrum - from the "cut her some slack" and "she tried to make amends," to "shes already lying about such trivial things so be prepared for problems," to "if I was her I would have broken up with you for looking at the history..." Some have said to break up over this. But I don't know about being so rigid. I'm planning to stay with her and be vigilant. But I don't want to snoop anymore.

Edited February 15, 2010 by mani81