My boyfriend cheated on me repeatedly with cyber sex

[gorgeous1]

Hi, Im new to this forum. My bf and I have been together 14 months and 4 months ago I discovered his profiles on about 40 dating/swinging and sex websites, some graphic, detailing what he wanted to do/be done to him and asking for sex/web camming/dirty talk/cyber sex. I found these profiles by accident. His laptop has so many passwords so I dont go on that. We dont live together, but talk online most evenings. When I first confronted him he denied putting the profiles on, saying they were old and that he doesn't visit the sites now. Eventually he told me he went on out of habit and boredom but promised me he never webcammed/did cyber sex in all the time we were together.

 

He was claiming not to have spoken to women online/cybersexed since he first met me right up until new years eve....two days later he told me during an argument that he did do it and he had some sort of sex addiction which he has now stopped doing.

 

I cant get over the hurt of what he did and find it very hard to trust anything he says. The sites he was on were stuff like adult friend finder, illicit affairs, swinging and basic sex chat sites too. I deleted the profiles. I am now left wondering if a relationship could ever recover from that sort of online cheating.

 

His msn account had about 130 people, all with sexual user names, some gay men, some swinging couples, some women. Last month he started a new msn account and promised me I was the only one on it. But last week he told me when he started the new msn he had another woman friend (with whom he had a date a few years back and theyve remained friends ever since).

 

Im sick and tired of being lied to. He has lied so much in our relationship. 4 months after we met we both decided to take our details off dating sites (I was only on one and he told me he was on two or three). He promised to take his name off (which was lie number one). Lie number two was another woman friend he had dated (told me he had never dated her and theyd only been friends) that he had criticized me behind my back to and then claimed that he hadnt seen her for years, which was another web of lies as she later told me they were dating a few months before we got together and had knbown eachother a matter of months. Lie number three was claiming he had only ever done cyber sex once or twice, and never when we were togther. The truth was he was addicted and did it almost every day over a few years. When we're not together I send him messages of a sexual nature and askl him to send one back or talk dirty to me, but he says, no I cant, dont know how. Yet when he was cyber sexing/phone sex etc with strangers it came so easy to him. We have a great sex life so Im sure its not that, and we get on great (apart from the trust issues now).

 

I cant get over the lies, its so hard to trust again. I feel Ive been humiliated. He says its all in the past and that he would never ever hurt me again. He continues to be secretive with his laptop, wont ever let me see a password. Is it possible, in time, to get over this sort of thing? Ive lost my confidence and self esteem, I find it hard to trust, I feel a bit like Ive lost my sexual identity.

 

Thanks for reading this xx

[paleblue]

being online with women is only one short step away from doing it in real life as far as i am concerned. you have every right to be concerned. if my partner was getting off to others i would be concerned also. it would be a deal breaker. i would find it hard to trust as well. what ever the fascination of the online thing is -i dont get it. you would think he would be happy with a warm loving woman in real life. not some fantasy world.

 

i guess you have to make a decision here, you either accept it, or move on. personally i would move on and find a guy who is happy being with just you -in real life.

[gorgeous1]

Thank you, I know the trust just isnt there at the moment and its such a shame as we get along sooo well. One minute we were discussing moving in together, the next my world was blown away after discovering his internet secrets. Thing is, he just carries on as happy as anything as though it hasnt happened, whilst I go from feeling insecure to sad, to happy again, my life in turmoil. Just wish there was a handbook to teach you how to get your,life/relationship/trust back on track then I would know what to do.

 

I hate that I liked this guy for so many years before we got together and finding this out shattered all the illusions I had about him.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Be glad you found out now; these things can be worked on with therapy and time etc, but not the way he is carrying on now. If you were married and had kids, you might pursue working on the relationship, but fortunately you’re not. Everything happens for a reason. There's lots of fish in the sea!

[gorgeous1]

He wont even consider therapy, says he doesnt have the problem as hes no longer doing it, but im the one with the problem in not trusting him...so he says.

 

I have children from my previous marriage, he has children from his. If I was young and starting out then Id just shake him off and find someone else, but once youre our age (in our 40s) its harder to find a partner who will accept your children and to start again with someone else at my age is tough. Plus when there are feelings involbed, well its hard.

 

Thanks for your help xx

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

If I was young and starting out then Id just shake him off and find someone else, but once youre our age (in our 40s) its harder to find a partner who will accept your children and to start again with someone else at my age is tough. Plus when there are feelings involbed, well its hard.

 

It pains me to read this. If you were my sister, boy I would shake things up around your household.

 

You deserve much better. Obviously your self esteem is knocked way down. You need a good boost to remind you that you don't need a guy like that.

 

If your own daughter came to you (years from now) in your situation what would you suggest she do?

 

Don't expect things to get better without taking action on your part.

[soulm8]

I completely understand where you're coming from, as a 38 yr old divorced parent of 2. There are 40 somethings out there just waiting to cross your path. He's lied to you repeatedly and does not deserve your love and certainly not your trust.

[SuburbanOblivion]

 

I have children from my previous marriage, he has children from his. If I was young and starting out then Id just shake him off and find someone else, but once youre our age (in our 40s) its harder to find a partner who will accept your children and to start again with someone else at my age is tough.

 

Being lied to and cheated on is better? I think not. You are worth far more.

[gorgeous1]

Cody5....I searched through a couple of his websites but couldnt find him so either hes using different user names now or hes no longer on them. Thing is, it just makes me feel physically ill doing that, my palms sweaty and I feel breathless about what I may, or may not, find. Youre right though, I dont think he could have gone cold turkey just like that. He refuses to talk about any of it.

 

I know I am worth far more but at the moment my self esteem is sooo low. I dont feel I could ever trust any man again. The thing is, he tells me every day that he will never hurt me again and never lie to me again, hmmm just do not know what to believe. I wish I could just have a sign, proof either way that he is or isnt doing it all still. My life feels like it is in limbo. I do so much for him, on his birthday last month I bought him all his faveourite (designer) clothes, for xmas I bought him a watch and had it engraved with "I Love You". When it was my birthday last week I didnt get a card from him until the evening (even though I was helping him at work all day) and all I got was just a bunch of flowers. Ive loaned him money he hasnt paid back and my family have had to go without because of that. Im just putting in 100% all the time and just not even getting 80% back from him. Its all so one sided. He has his children next week and has told me he cant see me for 7 days as his children will be staying with him (they wont come to my house)and said I should ask my ex husband to have my children for the week so he can see me!! Why should I go without seeing my little kiddies just so I could see someone who treats me like rubbish!!

 

....sorry Im getting mad now!!! xx

[SarahRose]

Why don't you just dump this loser while you can?

 

I never do understand why woman want to hang on to the worst gum on the bottom of your shoe jerk.

 

There are plenty of guys out there and hanging on to this zero is keeping you from meeting them

[BlueeyedJonesy]

the only thing you can do is help him seek counseling. He is sexually addicted.....and I don't want to hear the bull**** phrase "there is no such thing as sexual addiction" yes in our society it is EASY to go online pick your hooker and meet up. back in the day we didn't have the technology or the sexual images all over everything...its ruining our world.

 

Anyways..back to you. If he doesn't want to get help then WALK AWAY...you have only been with him for 1 year and trust me you don't want to be where I am...completely in love, married with children and just finding this stuff out...its alot harder to walk away. Do this for yourself.

[SuburbanOblivion]

I know I am worth far more but at the moment my self esteem is sooo low. I dont feel I could ever trust any man again.

 

Honestly? So what? Why does that make this guy who is not improving your life in any way shape or form worth bringing you down?

 

I'm shocked you would trust yourself, much less anyone else if you let yourself be treated this way. And don't give me that 'But I love him' bullcrap. You don't love him, you love the idea of what he should be. You don't love how he actually treats you, no one in their right mind is.

 

You are far better off alone than being miserable with someone else.

[Joe Normal]

If he's addicted, he's not stopping w/o help. Every day for years then cold turkey? Ummm...No.

 

Set yourself up on his favorite sites and get him to send you the dirtiest stuff he can. Don't let him know it's you. Get him to say something that will let everyone know it's him, or something you can definitely tie back to his computer. Print it all out with a "later, slimeba'll" letter, cc'ing his Mom, boss, etc.

 

OH. Better yet. Set up a date with him thinking you will be a stranger. Be waiting for the date with his mom.

 

He's gone. Everything he's done so far is a dealbreaker. It should be easy and fun to get your revenge and proof at the same time.

 

keep us posted.

 

Terrible advice - what if he flips and goes mental on her? People get beaten, raped or killed over "revenge" stuff like that, not to mention that he can do the same back, or it can leak out to their social circle or some gossip site and then no guy will ever date her again.

 

The best course of action is just to leave and never speak to him again. Living well is the best revenge.