Do I tell his wife about our affair? Why do I want to?

[kkat]

Years ago, I met a married man. He fell in love w/ me and left his wife and children. We lived together for 2 years. He was the love of my life.

 

During our relationship, his wife never stopped begging him to come home, threatened suicide repeatedly, refused to care for the children, and was a constant pressure in our relationship. He started divorce proceedings but his guilt and concern over the well being of his children (and wife) was unreconciliable. Ultimately he decided to go back to his wife. I was devasted.

 

This year, he contacted me & wanted to see me. I refused because he was still with his wife. He told me he had never stopped loving me and that he wanted to get a divorce and marry me. I said he would have to agree to divorce quickly and also that I wanted to have a child....he agreed to all. We began seeing each other every day as friends and lovers and planning our future together.

 

Eight mths later, he has announced he can't leave his wife - that the money and family issues are too complicated. He also says he feels guilty and afraid he'll get caught - but that he still loves me - but feels he can't move forward as promised. He calls everyday - and says he doesn't want to close the door but needs time. I am so angry. I am obsessed with telling his wife about our affair. Is that fair? Insane?

[HurtinginVA]

Originally posted by kkat

I am so angry. I am obsessed with telling his wife about our affair. Is that fair? Insane?

 

Not insane. Not sure on the "fairness" of it. But, it's really not your place to tell her. Chances are, she wont believe you, even if you do. Though she might, that's just my opinion as a betrayed spouse. If some woman called me and said that, I wouldnt believe her unless hubby admitted to it. And it doesnt sound like this guy will.

 

Sounds to me like this is a typical case of he wants to "have his cake and eat it too".

 

Cut him out of your life, if he truly wants to be with you, he'll get a divorce. If you stay around, he'll keep playing with you like a puppet on a string!

[Tony T]

You were a 50 percent partner in this adulterous affair. You knew he was married and had you not been so involved you would have done some research and found that most married men who have affairs never leave their wives. Take some responsibility for this. Stop seeing him and have no further contact with him. His wife was an innocent and unknowing victim. Why in heaven's name would you want to hurt her? YOU are the one who participated in this. She has nothing to do with it and doesn't need to know about your indiscretions...or, in this case, her husband's. That's between the two of them. You will always be an outsider. Go find some nice, single guys and see what it's like to have real, undivided love.

[2004resolutions]

Originally posted by kkat

 

He told me he had never stopped loving me and that he wanted to get a divorce and marry me. I said he would have to agree to divorce quickly and also that I wanted to have a child....he agreed to all.

Eight mths later, he has announced he can't leave his wife - that the money and family issues are too complicated. He also says he feels guilty and afraid he'll get caught - but that he still loves me - but feels he can't move forward as promised. He calls everyday - and says he doesn't want to close the door but needs time. I am so angry. I am obsessed with telling his wife about our affair. Is that fair? Insane?

 

Kkat,

 

First I would like to say that my heart goes out to you. I know how much pain you are in. I also want to point out the reality that the feelings that he has for you are most likely genuine, and that he probably does indeed love you and want to be with you. However, what most married people fail to realize is the reality of a divorce and the subsequent problems with a divorce. Once one spouse reaches the point that they want a divorce (which is where I believe your married man is), I think that he/she sometimes forgets that his/her spouse may still love them, may still want to work it out, and may not want a divorce. Particularly because the spouse who wants the divorce feels little to none of this anymore. With your situation, it sounds like if his spouse was ok with the divorce, he would probably go ahead with it. Which may be why you are feeling obsessed with telling her about the affair.

 

But Kkat, it's not your responsibility to do this. It is his. What you must also know is that even if she did know about the affair, she may still not want to divorce and he may still run into the same problems with her that he did when he tried to leave before.

 

Unfortunately, this often times happens with affairs. He loves you, he wants to be with you. You, of course, fall in love with him and want to be with him. The problem lies in the fact that you are single and available. But he remains married to her. His responsibilities remain with her. Broken families cause devastation to all involved. There are times where the break up of a family has to (and should) occur. But let it happen without you having a part in it.

 

I encourage you to focus your thoughts and your responsibilities on yourself - in doing so you will realize that you can go back to the point where you stood up for yourself and told the married man that you didn't want anything to do with him because he was married. That's the best mindset to have! Also, you said that you were angry. Go with it, because you have every right to be angry.

[Skittles]

Also, you said that you were angry. Go with it, because you have every right to be angry.

 

 

.....Good advice Resolutions!

 

Be angry if that is what it takes, Khat, just long enough for you to step away, but not long enough to keep the connection going....where anger replaces your love for him and you are still angry, obsessed and thinking about him..yikes!

 

 

I say this to all folks involved in triangulated relationships.

 

If you can't avoid the situation, for whatever reason, then for gosh sakes write this down on the largest poster board you can find and hang it up on your wall.......

 

His/her ...Actions speak louder than words!...

 

 

Saying "I love you" is easy...(.My parrot Popeye used to say that to me eveytime I squeaked at him...and he would drop a poop everytime he said it too! )......

[Skittles]

P.S. Khat, please don't tell his wife and add to her pain...I bet she is in alot of it right now and will be long after you move on which I believe you will.

 

I think you want to tell her because you think it will effect the outcome, maybe in your favor..

 

But do you really want this guy..He can't act on anything...He is the Hamlet of love affairs, like alot of men, to be or not to be....that is the question.

 

 

Write the ending of your play and send his part to the shredder...

 

 

You can do this.

[befuddled11]

I imagine she had been a constant pressure in your relationship initially...afterall, the guy was (and is) her HUSBAND, and she was doing what a wife usually does when she feels her marriage and family are in jeopardy: she was trying to keep it all together.

 

Why on earth would you want to tell his wife, EXCEPT out of revenge against him for not keeping his word to you (is a cheating husband really the type you can expect to keep his word? I don't think so). That would be a very cold, cruel, heartless, evil thing to do......to HER. She's done nothing at all to you. You had no business being with her husband from the get go. You knew he was married and that he had children (a family) but that didn't stop you.

 

The poor woman has enough problems.....being married to a dickhead. You would be a really dispicable person if you were to stoop so low as to tell her about the affair. Chances are she already knows, I mean geez..you lived with the guy for 2 yrs.

 

Let it go. Do not let him contact you any longer. Change your number and do all you can so that he can't get ahold of you.

[Skittles]

being married to a dickhead

 

 

I never heard it put that way before, Befuddled..filing that away.

[kkat]

This was my first time on LS and I really appreciate everyone's input - positive and otherwise. Thank you.

 

I am in alot of pain and I'm having alot of trouble moving on and getting out of this situation. I know that's what I need to do but I'm having trouble getting out of bed, much less this mess I have created for myself.

 

I'm not proud that I have been involved with someone who is married to someone else - I'm ashamed of it. But in both editions of my relationship with him, I really believed that his marriage was over - and that it's demise was completely unrelated to me - and that he was getting a divorce. And I love him and wanted to be with him. Obviously I made a very bad choice and now I am paying for it.

 

Maybe this is just a weak attempt to defend myself - but before we moved in together the first time around I encouraged him to first try to work things out with his wife and even found a maritial therapist for them to see. My intent was never to break up a family or to hurt his wife. His marriage was in trouble long before I came into the picture and it appears, long after I left the scene.

 

I'm not an evil person - but I am angry, and I guess that's what is coming out right now.

[2004resolutions]

Originally posted by kkat

 

I am in alot of pain and I'm having alot of trouble moving on and getting out of this situation. I know that's what I need to do but I'm having trouble getting out of bed, much less this mess I have created for myself....

 

I'm not proud that I have been involved with someone who is married to someone else - I'm ashamed of it.

 

Unfortunately, there isn't anything that I or anyone can to do to offer much help with this. Often times, it is only time that heals the pain. All I can tell you is to hang in there, continue trying to live each day, and to know that there will be brighter days. You can - and will - get through this. Just believe in yourself and believe that there will be better days! Let yourself cry, let yourself mourn the loss (yes, it IS a loss even though others would argue that he was never 'yours' to begin with). But please don't beat yourself up about it all. I would imagine that none of us are proud of being involved with a married person. But it does happen, and it's happened to some very good people. You clearly didn't intend to break up the relationship. You are right - they had problems long before you came along.

 

I'm not an evil person - but I am angry, and I guess that's what is coming out right now..

 

It's ok for you to be angry! Like I said earlier, go with it. You have every right to be angry. Of course we chose to put ourselves in these horrible situations and need to deal with the very real consequences of them. But it doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't be angry with him for promising you things that he later took back.

 

I wish you the best... hang in there!

[kkat]

Thanks 2004Resolutions and Skittles - and all others. Sorry I don't have the hang of this posting thing, the quotes, etc. but....your words of wisdom are amazing.

 

Skittles said "Actions speak louder than words" and I am reflecting on that. He always told me that he loved his wife - but that he wasn't in love with her. I am looking at his actions and thinking now that his love for her must be deeper than he represented. At the end of the day, I feel like he had a choice to make, and via his actions, he chose her, NOT me. That is eating me up - I have some self-esteem issues and this has brought them to an all-time high.

 

When he told me he couldn't go through with the divorce, he gave me a number of reasons....including:

1. His age and financial situation - he feels that he would be left with nothing after the divorce (based on his situation this is partially true) and that it would mean starting over financially at a relatively late point in his life.

2. His eldery father lives with them - and he feels like this is a major issue - what would be done with the father? He refuses to consider putting the father in a home until absolutely necessary.

3. He feels that his children went through years of pain after he left the first time and that they would never forgive him if he did it again.

He says that he would have to give up EVERYTHING -- (he's a bit dramatic) -- his home, any financial security whatsoever, his children and grandchildren, etc. - if he left and that he just can't do it. I feel like, yes, he would be devasted financially, but he can rebuild - and that his children would still love him. I know it would be hard for all of them - but they were close to me when we lived together, and I hope/think they would have accepted me again.

 

Why would he stay in this marriage? I'm not built that way - I go with my heart all the time - which is a big part of my problem, so it's hard for me to relate. This is why I am thinking maybe he is still in love with her....

 

Any thoughts?? Thanks.

[brashgal]

He probably does love her in a way and she is the mother of his kids. My ex and I split for several years and then reconciled, he beat himself up over leaving my oldest son the first time - he didn't want to do it again. But it didn't keep him from carrying on two long term affairs - once I found out about the first one he claimed he ended it but I found out later he was still seeing her although kept telling me he was trying to break it off. Finally grew tired of her and her demands and gave her the boot, threw himself into work and hobbies - I thought all was good after all we had been through. Met another woman through a volunteer group and one thing lead to another. I knew deep down their 'friendship' was inappropriate but wanted to keep our family together so I know I overlooked a lot.

 

Long story short, I finally woke up and realized that I didn't want to live that way any longer. I think he would have continued with the affair indefinitely if I would have continued to look the other way. We loved each other but we weren't meeting each other's needs. Had the other woman told me about the affair when I wasn't ready to throw in the towel I probably would have told her that it was pretty obvious who he preferred since he was still with me. I sure as heck wouldn't have given him up just because she wanted me to.

 

Also, since she has threatened suicide in the past, how would you feel if she actually went through with it if you told her about the affair? Could you live with that? And you would gain the kids and the elderly father - ready to sign on for the whole shebang?

 

Find somebody without the baggage (or baggage you can live with) - you'll ultimately be happier.

[kkat]

Thanks BrashGirl. I'm sorry to hear about your experience and appreciate your thoughts. It sounds like you have been in the shoes of his wife in many ways.

 

One thing you said triggered a memory from my past I had forgotten --- it was her suicidal threats that motivated me to move out of the apartment I shared with him years ago - I was terrified that she would go through with it and that he would feel responsible forever, and that the impact of this on his children would be unbearable.

 

What a mess.

[brashgal]

It's not a mess yet if you haven't said anything to her.

 

I hope you find peace. In one way I was like you, kept trying to make it work returning to him more than once - it was very hard to split and although I know I did the right thing I still miss him in many ways.

[SoleMate]

Hi kat -

 

... before we moved in together the first time around I encouraged him to first try to work things out with his wife and even found a maritial therapist for them to see....

 

That's great, and in fact it is what every good friend would do.

 

I'm not an evil person - but I am angry, and I guess that's what is coming out right now.

 

The anger is 100% understandable and even natural. Hey, I'd be willing to kick him in the nuts and I don;t even know him! We're here to keep that anger from backlashing onto you. I think you know perfectly well that doing some cheap retaliation, using his wife's pain and anger as a tool against him, would make you feel rotten about yourself. It puts you down in the gutter. That's why you posted instead of picking up the phone and dialing her.

 

Next time...if there is one...tell the man "I love you, and I will see you/talk to you again when you come to me with a FINALIZED divorce decree and a signed lease on your new apartment/condo. Until then, my life goes on."

[JustBeinBlonde]

You know where to kick him.

 

You got excellent advice from Skittles who said, "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS." Then from the blonde chick who's willing to kick him in the...um er, you know where. I think you should take these two wise sages advice and put it all together. Investing in a few power bars and renting a couple Bruce Lee movies may help too. Afterwards invite him over to talk.....then let him have it.

 

I'm cheering you on girl.....whooo hooo go kkat!

[Hopeovexperience]

Thanks for posting this, I can only think that there but for the grace of some higher being go I.

 

I'm in almost exactly the same situation but still at the 'he's gone back to his ex' stage. I know that unless I'm strong what's happened to you could happen to me.

 

I think that he is still in love with his wife but he also feels like he's in love with you

 

Sorry it's harsh but I think true. I'm having to face up to this now. He made the choice and he didn't want to have to and that's what makes him feel bad. He does like being with you, he wants to be there for you, he finds you loveable. Great for him. He's found two people he loves and they both want to be with him. But he can't have both so he has to choose. He chooses the one he has the longest relationship and, again I'm sorry it's harsh, the closest bond with. It doesn't mean he doesn't feel love towards you but it does mean that he feels more love towards her. Ultimately he's acting in his own self interest (and that's not a criticism, it's what we all do even when we think we're helping others) and he's doing what he believes is going to make him happiest. Forget whatever he has said about their relationship, ACTIONS speak infinitely louder than words but somehow they're easier to ignore when you love someone.

 

As essentially the other women however long we've spent together or whatever plans we've made for the future (I would be busy conceiving our child right now if he hadn't made the choice), when this happens we have to accept that he wasn't the perfect match for us that we thought he was. That he is never going to be able to give us as much as we gave him. And we give; that's what gets us in to this situation. We see a man who, however happy on the outside, is in the distressing process of divorce or separation, we love him and want the best for him so we give him our truest love (suggesting reconciliations or counselling, being completely accepting of time spent with the ex, accepting marriage proposals and planning families to replace what he feels has been lost).

 

I don't know what advice I can give you on 'clearing up the mess', I'm still very depressed about my situation, but I am trying to understand and accept that while he did love me, he's made the choice not to be with me. I think that there's a bit of you which feels that telling his wife is in someway 'helping' him out of what you believe to be the wrong thing for him. It's not, it's what he of his own free will has chosen to do and telling his wife on him won't make you feel any better about that.

 

Stay dignified and stay away. Everything you've done shows your capacity to really love someone; you deserve someone who can love you in the same way and so do I.

 

 

Hxxx

 

ps You might also find it helpful to consider how someone can stay in or get back into a relationship which they claim has made them so unhappy in the past? Fact is they're not telling the whole truth about how they feel either to you or to themselves - so they're a liar. Or they plain don't know what they really feel or want - in which case they need to sort themselves out. Or they don't have the courage to act on what they feel - ie a coward. Is this really your perfect person?

[redgirl]

Thing is kkat and Hopeovexperience, how do you know that your lover does not want you to be the one that tells? I have never posted a message and am really not sure what business it is of mine, but is it possible that in kkat's case he really does not want to be with the whacked out wife but also does not want the break up of his marriage to be on him? I am not too sure about Hopeovexperience but possibly the same could be for you as well. Especially with the dad living there and having children, I mean, that is a stressful environment for sure. She knows he could go back to you at any given moment, life in that house must be like walking on egg shells. Her suicide threats and constant craziness should have driven him to the divorce before, but it sounds like he felt very guilty, like she was that way from him. Well, it sounds like she is sick in the head. So maybe he really does want out but does not want to feel the criticism he most likely received from his family and friends for supposedly pushing psycho wife over the edge. If you do the dirty work for him then he can manuever himself out, although it sounds cowardly it is understandable with her past reactions. I was not there when he told you he cannot leave so I really don't know, but maybe you should ask him if the reasoning is because he cannot tell her again and if it would be easier if you went to speak to her together. A bullet proof vest maybe a sensible accessory, but if you both are in love with your lovers and think there is any hope of being together then it can't hurt to offer. Good luck, I know it is not easy to hope for sympathy when you stuck in the position of being the other woman but you have it here. Men that get themselves in this situation for longer than a 6 month fling generally want to be found out but don't want to be the ones that tell. They have probably have a love for their wife as well as their lover and are usually more intimate with the lover because at first their is no fear of commitment. If the affair last longer than 6 months then you are either the best sex they have ever had and don't want to live with out it, to the point of putting their entire lifestyle at risk or they have developed very serious feelings for you and don't want to live with out you. What you need to decide is, can you live with the situation as it is now, or do you need more? If you need more and they tell you there that even you going with them won't help, then at that point you might want to tell him you need space to see if you can live without him. There is a very good chance he will be willing to do whatever is necessary to not lose you during your space request. Good luck again to both of you.

[kkat]

I wanted to clarify some things raised by some posters (thanks to all of you) and update on my situation in the hopes I could receive some more feedback/thoughts/advice.

 

First of all, I think he would KILL me if I told his wife -- and there is no way he would respond positively to me raising that as an option. Background --- when we had our affair the first time around, years ago, he left her almost immediately after we became involved (and when I refused to see him again because he was married.) Ironically, I never asked him to leave - he just did it. At the advice of his attorney, he initially lied to her about there being another woman, but after a short time it came out in the wash - and he did nothing to try to hide it. He definitely wanted to get found out, definitely.

 

When we started seeing each other again eight months ago, I think he wanted to get caught then too. He's not the strongest guy, ladies, and he didn't have the balls then to tell her and he certainly doesn't now - but months ago, his actions showed he wanted to get caught. It was when the reality started to check in -- about his father living at home, about what would happen to his home, his business, his money, etc. (he is in his 50s and only within the past couple of years has started to build any financial security whatsoever....)-- that he panicked.

 

By the way, not sure if I explained this initially, but I haven't seen him in 5 weeks -- HIS CHOICE. He told me he could not deal with the "lying and cheating" --- making up stories everyday about his whereabouts. He is the one who put an end to things from a physical perspective -- although he continues to call often and will sometimes discuss how he missing making love to me (oh god that sounds so cheesy sorry)... he has said he decided he can't continue the affair and he refuses to do so.

 

We had agreed we would see each other upon my return from the holidays, and have tentative plans for this week. But, I started asking him questions on the phone -- e.g. "Are you still in love with me", etc. and I don't know if I should see him -- I know my true agenda is to try to get things going with him again, even though in many ways he is not what I am looking for I love him and I feel addicted to him, and I feel like I don't want to "lose the competition" to his wife. I always thought I was "better" than her and now feel like I'm the loser, that he is choosing her over me.

 

He told me last night and this morning that yes he still loves me, but he has tried to change his feelings for me because he is not leaving his wife at this time and doesn't think it is right for us to continue -- he told me he is worried about me and sorry for the hurt he has caused -- he has offered to pay for me to go to a therapist and asked if there is anything he can do (short of leaving his wife) to help me.... but I feel like these are all just words as well.

 

I am so upset I've been throwing up for three days straight and haven't left the house for two days. What in the world is wrong with me? As I read my post I feel like I should be on Jerry Springer. I have been such a fool.

[SoleMate]

I am so upset I've been throwing up for three days straight and haven't left the house for two days. What in the world is wrong with me? As I read my post I feel like I should be on Jerry Springer. I have been such a fool.

 

Kkat -

 

You have been in love with someone who can't be your real man, and that is painful and confusing. Also humiliating. Many or most people reading this thread know the feeling. I doubt if anything is truly wrong with you, in the sense of broken. You have made tactical mistakes in this game of love - specifically, getting close to a man who was married, and relying on his words over concrete actions (like showing you the final divorce decree). However, you know now in the fullest sense of the term what a mistake that was, so chalk one up for you - you have become wiser as you have become (temporarily) sadder.

 

Have you decided to break it off totally? I would recommend it - it's like ripping off a BandAid instead of the slow pull. Then begin the self-healing process. Stop being angry at yourself. If you must be angry, put the anger where it won't hurt you - against the man who did this to your life. Try E Jean's "man-cure" suggestions to restore happiness and mental health.

 

Put on your shoes and go out RIGHT NOW and take a short walk around the neighborhood.

 

Good luck!

[brashgal]

I think you would be better off NOT seeing him and stopping all contact. Your last post makes it pretty clear that there is no future with him, don't torture yourself.

 

I had said earlier - telling his wife may not have the desired effect - she may just tell you 'where to go'. It isn't really a competition, you wouldn't be 'losing to her'. She is just meeting more of his needs at this time (his need to hang on to his money, his need to not have to explain his abhorrent behavior to his father and children, his need to keep his wife from killing herself as she wouldn't be there for the kids...). He may love you more but he has an awful lot to lose by staying with you.

 

You seem to be sincere and have tried to do what you felt was the right thing in a bad situation, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and move on.

[FreeMe]

I think you should stop all contact with him. He gave you a list of reasons why he can't leave his wife? Good. Give him a list of reasons why you can't consent to be the other woman for the rest of his or your life (because that is what he wants too - someone else said it - he wants to have his cake and eat it too).

 

Here are some reasons - more dramatic (but more true) then his:

 

1. You're going to completely destroy yourself having to share his love with someone else. Miserable and throwing up every holiday because, of course, she gets him for the holidays.

2. You will lose all respect for yourself agreeing to be his "second woman".

3. You're going to be isolated and lonely by living your life with no one to depend on for love, emotional support, fun except for someone you're not even allowed to contact.

4. HE'LL have children to take care of him in his old age but YOU won't.

 

Is that enough to get you started?

 

I'm sorry - I sympathise with you but I am really pissed off at this guy's gall.

[Hopeovexperience]

Although I know that it feels like that now. I sit here and think about them together, being close, trying to get their shared life back on track and I feel like the loser too.

 

BUT, then I switch to what I can only call survival mode. I think that I have the rest of my life ahead of me and I know that I've done nothing to deserve this.

 

He has to live with guilt about what he's done. You don't.

 

He (by the sounds of it) feels stuck in a situation he's not happy with. You're not.

 

He can't create the life for himself that he wants. You can.

 

She's stuck with a man who has proved that she's not the only woman he wants. You're not.

 

I'm not going to make some trite 'You're the winner here' comment because I know how hollow that sounds. I just know that I'd rather be me than her or him. However painful it is right now.

 

The more I think about it. I don't care about winning. The prize just isn't sufficient compensation for a life spent waiting and worrying for the next crisis with his ex. I love him but I love myself more.

[FreeMe]

Hopeoverexperience,

 

I've read your posts here and have also been following your thread, though I haven't posted yet. Started to once and got interrupted.

 

I think everything you're doing and saying is right and I really admire your strength, clear thinking, and self-esteem. I know you are having some very bad days (as are you kkat) but I think you are handling yourself amazingly well. I've had something similar happen to me and at the time I fell apart. The reason I have followed your thread is because the same thing almost happened to me in November. He almost went back but changed his mind. He's behaving much better, but who knows if we're out of the woods yet - kkat's guy lived with her for 2 years before he went back.

 

Anyway, I think the things that you are telling kkat are right on and I hope you can be as strong as Hope, kkat. I really do empathise and hope you can get yourself through this.

[Skittles]

happened to me in November. He almost went back but changed his mind. He's behaving much better, but who knows if we're out of the woods yet - kkat's guy lived with her for 2 years before he went back.

 

Hi Freeme,

 

When you say went back, but changed his mind, do you mean to his wife?

The reason I ask because a relative's in-law who married her once married lover, with 5 kids between them now, is having trouble with her husband wanting to go back to his first wife??

 

What???

 

Why do some men let go, then have trouble letting go? Did that make sense?