Do I tell his wife about our affair? Why do I want to?

[kkat]

Skittles wrote:

 

"Why do some men let go, then have trouble letting go?"

 

Yeah, it's really crazy. I don't understand it. Recap of what happened with my guy:

 

He left his family - went home one day and told her he was leaving, and left. Left with no pressure from me at all - his decision. Went through the pain of telling his wife and of course later his children. Told his family, his business associates. Hired a lawyer. Started divorce proceedings. Moved in with me.

 

After almost three years of us socializing together with our mutual friends and families (his parents came to visit and stayed with us, his brother had dinner with us several times a week, etc.) of living together, of taking care of his kids - - he went "home" to his wife and kids.

 

In my guy's case, I think he also couldn't let go of his Italian/Catholic background, his image of what family should be, and the fact that this image was more important than the reality. I also think (as did the therapist he and I went to as things were coming to an end for us the first time) that money, money, money is a big motivator for many men - and was for him -- he looked at the practicalities and realized he simply couldn't afford to keep up the lifestyle his family was accustomed to, and the lifestyle he and I had together. And I think the old thing about the comfort zone is so true --- sometimes we get comfortable with situations and want to stay in them, even though other opportunities are better -- because new and different, change, is scary.

 

 

Skittles, perhaps your friend's man is going through something similar.

 

Something to think about --- how crazy is this -- I have always avoided dating men I thought were "on the rebound" --- too soon out of a relationship, figuring they weren't over it yet. How hilarious is it that I wouldn't date guys legitimately divorced or broken up from their significant others - but I would date a married man. Hmmmm????

[FreeMe]

Skittles,

 

Yes he was thinking about going back to his wife. But he hasn't been separated that long so I think it's kind of natural for that issue to come up. What you're talking about is almost unbelievable. It seems very strange. Some men (and women too of course) are just wishy washy, you know. But what kills me is they have a hard time letting go but these are often the same guys who will mistreat the person they keep going back to.

 

By the way Skittles, your posts are awesome. You are very reasonable and also funny.

 

Kitkat, I hope you're feeling okay. If my guy wants to go back then I would tell him to go, but I wouldn't see him or speak to him again if he did. If he wants to go back then he has to know that he will lose me completely. I've allowed myself to be treated badly in past relationships and I'm not going to allow anything close to it again.

[Skittles]

But what kills me is they have a hard time letting go but these are often the same guys who will mistreat the person they keep going back to.

 

 

Hi FreeME and Kkat thanks for responding...(and glad ya like my posts FreeMe .... ... )

 

You are so right Free when you said they go back to the wives they have mistreated in the past..That is what is going on right now with this woman's husband. He blew off his first wife for her and now he is blowing her off to go back to wife #1..!

 

What is that?

 

 

And Kkat is he back home with his family of "origin" for good?

[kkat]

Hey Skittles - you know, I think everybody loves your posts....I know I do.

 

Yes, my guy is back with his family - we were together/lived together for most of 3 years and then he went home. Stayed there for about 6-7 years then came back into my life. Started up with me and then eight months later says he can't move forward w/ the divorce he committed to.

 

I was surprised to learn, via this forum, that it's not that uncommon for men to go back to their wives, even after some time apart. One of the posters on my thread said he and her husband were apart for an extended period, then got back together. Throughout the entire time, it appears he was a serial cheater.

 

I am supposed to have dinner tonight with my guy - Mr. Hamlet (to be or not to be---- I loved that quote!) --we had agreed weeks ago we would see each when I got back from the holidays. I am 50/50 that I'm going to show up - I feel like I might do better to see him, get it over with. I'm not excited to see him, I am dreading it, but feeling like it might actually help me move on in some wacky way.

 

I am doing so much better the past few days - I feel like I am getting over him and my addiction. Yippee!

 

 

KKat

[Skittles]

I am doing so much better the past few days - I feel like I am getting over him and my addiction. Yippee!

 

 

 

... ...I know you could do this Miss kkat.........

[Arabess]

Kkat,

You'll probably go thru a whole range of emotions....from making excuses for him to banging your head on the proverbial wall screaming "WHY? WHY? WHY?". All the love and anger hang on a fine line....sometimes seeming like you have no control either way. It's gut wrenching!

 

In everyone's life though, there seems to be that one person who turned out to be a complete AssClown! Seems like you are dealing with yours now. I feel so bad for you....cause I DO know how you feel! So do alot of other Shackers. Our sympathy and hearts are with you.

 

Telling the wife, rehashing it all in your mind, trying to keep open the communication in case he 'changes' his mind....is all fruitless. All you'll end up doing is prolonging the fact.....you are going to have to walk away and get over him. No, it won't happen overnight...nor will it be easy. If you don't do it though....you are just robbing yourself of any future happiness.

 

It seems right now like he is the ONLY guy in the world who is just right for you. That's not true though. If you'll give yourself time to get over it and by all means.....DISTANCE yourself from him....you'll wake up one day being able to breath again.

 

You won't forget him, nor will you ever be completely over him.....but you will find some sanity in the mess he left behind. As a matter of fact, in time, you will see him for what he REALLY is....and wonder why you didn't see it sooner. He's a spineless wonder.....a self server.....and the only person who he will make more miserable than you....is the wife who is stuck with him. You won't see it now.....but one day.....you will.

 

Arabess

[kkat]

So, an update on my situation. My MM has been calling me 2-3 times a day since I got home from the holidays, and asked me to have dinner last week. I was having very mixed feelings about it - for weeks, I had been dying to see him, then when the time came I was somewhat ambivalent, somewhat dreading it, and not at all sure it was a good idea. I went to dinner with him - he was giddy, seriously -- freakishly so - to see me. We had a nice time (I think sometimes our friendship of ten years really takes over and we just like being together) and then one thing led to another and he came back to my place and had sex and hung out for a long time.

 

I thought I'd be broken hearted the next morning, but in a way, I'm losing interest. Not sure why, but grateful for it!

 

Since then, again, he's been calling me 2-3 times a day - when he calls, I answer and chat, but I haven't called him - except once.

 

Now I get the feeling that he's into the chase a bit again - not full force, but I could see it heading in that direction.

 

I feel like, in all honestly, I have lost alot of my obsession with him - I still think about him alot but not every waking thought. I am finding alot of things more and more annoying - like today, he called me and said he called to say hi but couldn't speak long because his wife had just gotten out of the car for a minute and was coming right back. I was so pissed - I just felt like this is totally disrespectful to both she and I. But I have also avoided any arguments with him - I feel like honestly I am still hoping he'll change his mind and decide he wants to be with me enough to leave her - but logically I KNOW that's not going to happen. And the other thing I'm feeling is that I don't really think he's the best thing for me anymore -- I love him, I love being with him, I feel like in my entire life I have never been loved by anyone the way he loved (past tense) me, and I feel no hope that I'll ever find true love with someone else.

 

I'm sure everyone reading this will be utterly disgusted that I saw him again, and I apologize. But I would appreciate any thoughts or advice. Thank you.

[sharon]

You probably want to tell her in order to get revenge on him. A little payback. You sound like you're really hurt and justifiably so from what you've said. But to be honest what would telling her accomplish? Do you think it'll make him run to you? Or would it just not backfire and drive him off again?

 

You gotta ask yourself why your still there for him and what you really want for the futures. Trust me I'm in the thick of it right now too. It's not easy I know. I'm getting impatient and it's only been 9 months for me .. 2 years for you? You gotta find your own answers within yourself though. Only you can decide what is best for you and what you are able to do.

 

I truly hope you find your happiness (with or without him),

Sharon

[kkat]

I'm seeing my MM again tonight and I want to bring closure to things. I want to end things as friendly as possible - we have been friends and lovers off and on for ten years and I know I love him and he me, but the situation is no good and is not going to change.

 

I want to do this -- to bring things to an end - but I feel more sad about saying goodbye to the friendship part of it than the romantic part --- I've been given the gift of clarity over the past couple of weeks and realize that being with him is not healthy for me or what I want --but I'm sad to say goodbye to the person who has become my best friend.

 

Any help appreciated.

[jester]

kkat, I'm so happy you obtained the clarity to tell the mm that he will not have you and his wife, too.

 

Tonight is your Declaration of Independence and the first day of your liberation.

 

Be strong and resist with all your will his attempts to keep you in his emotional and sexual orbit. Friendship, memory and desire will be his gravitational pull. Fight them all.

 

kkat, you can no longer be his friend if you are absolutely determined to cast off his spell. Friendship, in these situations, is almost always the gateway to a renewed affair. When you remain friends in these situations, nine times out of ten, you remain lovers.

 

Tonight, you should not only end the affair but all contact with the mm. Otherwise, he'll use that contact to reignite the affair.

 

This must be your final good-bye.

 

Good luck.

[kkat]

My attempts to bring closure last night went very, very wrong. Basically, I became hysterical, in every sense of the word. I cried hysterically in his car, and for the first time EVER, ASKED him to get a divorce. I had never, ever asked him that before but in so many words, I did last night.

 

He told me he will not do it - that he loves me and cares about me and is sorry for the pain he has caused me, and that he wants things to not be so bad between us and he'd like to always be in my life, but that he just cannot leave his family. He also said, "I'm 53 years old and my life is all I know. I can't leave it - I won't leave it. I don't want your life, I want my life. It's not about my wife, although I do love her, I'm not in love with her, but I'm not leaving my life".

 

I don't think I can be friends with him - at least not at this time. It's really ironic, because I don't want to be with him - I have recently opened my eyes to parts of him that are not what I think I really want or need to be with -- so I don't know why I would even say I want him to get a divorce.

 

I'm messed up over here people.

[jester]

The silver lining in this cloud is that now you know where the mm stands: He will not divorce his life (wife) for you.

 

That gives you two basic choices: continue in this holding pattern as his side dish for 10 more years or end all contact with him now and move forward.

 

Option No.1 all but guarantees continued regret, frustration and anger over your permanent other woman status. If you want more pain and heartache, choose this option.

 

Option No. 2 , while wrenching in the short term, would give you a chance of a new life, with new people and lovers. The future is uncertain but better an uncertain future that certain grief.

 

kkat, select Door No. 2. It's there where the hope of a happy life awaits you.

[kkat]

Thanks Jester. I appreciate your words. I checked my voicemail and he had called me at 2 this morning - I didn't hear the phone - and left me a message saying he was sorry I was so upset, that he loves me and said things he didn't mean.

 

He called me this morning, and said all those things again. He said that when he said he didn't want my life, he means that he feels that he is just too old to go through all the things that I want to experience (my building a new business, wanting to get married, have children). He said that all he wants to do is work and ride his motorcycle and have the easiest life he can, and that it is just too complicated to consider leaving his life and building a new one. He said again that he is sorry but that he has realized that he just can't contemplate getting a divorce because he can not turn his life upside down again, even to be with me. Guess that pretty much says it all, huh?

 

I am so ANGRY and sad.

[jester]

I am so ANGRY and sad.

 

As you have every right to be, kkat. This 53 year old, Hog-riding teenager betrayed you just as he betrayed his wife. You are the other woman in his marriage to his ego and life's comforts.

 

Simply put--this guy is too lazy, too comfortable , too selfish to do anything for anyone else.

 

He still wants a relationship with you, but on his terms, at his convenience and at his pleasure.

 

Last night ripped off the rose colored glasses you've been wearing these many years. Don't put them back on regardless of what he says, promises or does.

 

kkat, it's time for you to gather up yourself and start anew.

 

The mm is history.

[kkat]

Thanks Jester - you nailed him -- right down to the Hog. Too funny. Thanks for bringing a chuckle to my day. I got myself up, went out and treated myself to a new eyebrow shaping (biggest beauty splurge I can afford right now) -- so now I have new eyebrows to go with my eyes less the rose colored glasses.

 

Thanks to all of you.

[AprilFool]

Rip her heart out for being so selfish.

 

The reason you want to tell her, is because you are jealous of the fact that she has some kind of hold on him, or at least she thinks she does, and you want to smack the reality into her. How dare she steal your man back!?! You want to tell her for sweet revenge. You want to get back at her for the hurt she's caused you. She is sitting at home all smug, thinking, "I got him from her." and you want to let her know that she hasn't.

 

I wouldn't tell her. No use breaking her heart. By the way, ditch this loser. any man who would cheat on his wife isn't deserving of any woman.

[Skittles]

I can't add to what all these folks said, except, believe them!

 

And keep posting Kkat...post as many times as you need to kick this thing....alot of people at this site really do care ..

[kkat]

Thanks Skittles - I appreciate it. I quit posting because I feel embarrassed that I am still seeing him. I'm so strategic in other areas of my life, but in the case, I don't even know what I'm doing or why.

 

It's wierd because I have, for the most part, given up on the fantasy of he and I ever really being together, and also, for the most part, realized that that's not really ideal for me anyway - the truth is that his baggage is really extreme and even a "best case scenerio" would be really, really difficult, if not impossible.

 

I have been trying to visualize myself in a new relationship with someone who is available and who has a more manageable bit of baggage... and in the past I couldn't even begin to visualize it. Now I can, at least a little bit.

 

But, I find that my friendship with him and the fun I have when we spend time together is still very valuable and enjoyable to me, and I feel less depressed (an ongoing problem I've had since losing my business) when I have him sort of around. But I'm afraid I might be kidding myself and that I'll go through another round of heartache over him anyday now.

 

We spent the day together on Sunday and I really enjoyed it, as did he. He still calls everyday and we talk about business, politics, life, etc. - he's like one of my girlfriends, but I'm still sexually attracted, and sexually involved.

 

Embarrassed and confused I am, and grateful for your support.

 

Kkat

[kkat]

I have come full circle on that random telling his wife thought I had a few weeks ago. I realize that would just be an act of desparation that would bring hurt to him, her, his family, and that would end any relationship I have with him. Even if I never spoke to him again, I don't hate him certainly and I wouldn't really want to hurt him, although I often fantasize about screwing him over royally. But at this moment, I don't feel that way.

 

For the first time, I feel badly for her, and slightly (not very) guilty about my relationship with my husband. I always felt that ethically I was not out of line -- I'm not married, she's not my friend, I have no direct obligation to her - so I never felt that ethically my affair was an issue for me.

 

But, I'm questioning that. Opinions?

[AprilFool]

You remind me of my formal self-the one who fell in love with her best friend who wouldn't leave his fiance for me. I too lost interest, but instead of going back to him when I did, I decided to move on and find someone else. I swear, it wasn't a week later that I met my husband.

 

Now, I wouldn't trade my husband(gold) for that guy who cheated on his fiance (crap) in a gazillion years.

 

Don't feel bad about the position you are in. It's so easy to get suckered in when a man wants you. And in my opinion, he's the bad guy, not you. You didn't intend to be the other woman, I'm sure...it just happened. He's the one with the committment and obligations that he broke.

 

You have a good heart to feel sorry for her.

 

Something else: If my husband cheated on me, I'd love it if the other woman called to let me know about it, so I could dump his a$$. But of course....you don't want to hurt him.

 

MOIMEME!!!! I NEED YOU TO COME GIVE HER BETTER ADVICE!!!

[brashgal]

Having been the cheated-on wife I can tell you that I think I have more respect for you since you've showed some remorse. I think that is why I am still so angry with my ex's GF (who was the OW) - she has never expressed any regret or shame. And now everyone seems to accept them as a couple. About the only person who isn't 'okay' with it seems to be me. Like somehow because we're no longer married (and she's no longer married), it legitimizes their relationship.

 

Well, that's my hang up. I can tell you are a good person and you're realizing this isn't the most healthy relationship for you to be in anymore and you will extricate yourself eventually. Good luck to you in making the right decision for you. And I think you were wise not to tell her.

[LuckyStar]

You have been a great inspiration to me. You are intelligent and the same way you have helped me, I believe you'll turn around and do what's best for you. No one can take care of you, like you can, take care of yourself, think with your head and not your heart.

 

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I wish you much strength and peace.

 

You be encouraged.

[kkat]

First, thanks to everyone for their support via posts and PM's. Here's the evolution --

basically, MM and I have continued to be in touch; we've seen each other a couple of times over the last week or so, and he calls me a few days a day. I'm having a tremendous amount of conflict over whether or not I should end the friendship that we have- I'm going through a very tough time in other areas of my life, and I have come to depend on his support as a friend - and I also enjoy his company both in person and on the phone very much.

 

At the same time, I wonder if I'm hanging on subconsiously because I still hold out some hope -- I saw I'm not but I guess I'm not sure.

 

Any of you have any thoughts or experience on this - specifically, the upside/downside of staying in an active friendship with someone after it's clear he's not going to be truly available, ever...

 

Thanks,

 

Kkat

[Skittles]

I'm having a tremendous amount of conflict over whether or not I should end the friendship that we have- I'm going through a very tough time in other areas of my life, and I have come to depend on his support as a friend - and I also enjoy his company both in person and on the phone very much.

 

At the same time, I wonder if I'm hanging on subconsiously because I still hold out some hope -- I saw I'm not but I guess I'm not sure.

 

You know Kkat these things are so tough to figure out. My knee -jerk reaction would be to suggest you break all contact with him because this relationship is painful to you. But now I'm thinking you need to remain in contact with him to help you through some other stuff going on in your life. You might be hanging on subconsciously, I think it's consciously...he certainly is..SO if I were in your shoes I might take comfort in whatever this friendship could give you during this time only fully knowing that he is not leaving his wife. Maybe eventually you can wean yourself off this guy...But I guess not before you are ready..

 

Just take care of your tender-little heart.

 

 

Skittles.

[kkat]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your reply; I just came home in tears after another LOUSY stinkin' day topped off by a call from him in which he was really short and grouchy with me. So thanks so much!

 

Skittles and others - I have a question. Obviously people have different viewpoints, cultural, religious backgrounds etc. -- but I'd love to poll the 'shack and find out:

 

Do you consider the actions of the OW/OM to be unethical or immoral when the OW/OM is not married or in a committed relationship? In other words, I'm single, I'm not friends with his wife, blah blah, am I doing anything immoral or unethical through my involvement with him? I mean, hello, it's stupid and pointless, inflicts self-pain, etc. - but is it unethical/immoral from MY side??

 

Thanks.