Skittles Posted January 23, 2004 Posted January 23, 2004 Girl!!!!!.. My guess is you might hear from posters who will give you their unvarnished opinion on morality and ethics. Hang on to your hat...I am curious to see what pops up in response to your question. I will not tell you if you are being immoral or unethical. ...You don't need my opinion. What do you believe ? Think about it...Be honest but not unkind to yourself. Sorry you had such a bad day Hope tomorrow is better Skittles
yes Posted January 23, 2004 Posted January 23, 2004 here's my honest opinion: if you have a fling with a married man with no intention of stealing him from his wife, it's not immoral. if you a full-blown affair with the intention/wish of him leaving his wife for you, it is immoral. if you have an affair with a separated man (REALLY separated - i.e. his wife is aware that he's free to date others), anything you do is not immoral. so i guess it adds up to: if the wife doesn't know & you're trying to steal him, it's immoral; everything else is not immoral. that's my 2c, -yes
Author kkat Posted January 23, 2004 Author Posted January 23, 2004 Well, Skittles - here's my opinion - you might be surprised. First of all, I consider myself to be quite an ethical and moral person -I believe the life I live and the way I treat others speaks for itself, in my business dealings, dealings with strangers, friends, etc. So... I have never thought my relationship with a MM was directly unethical. My feeling has been that (a) I'm not married or otherwise in a committed relationship and therefore I'm not lying to anyone about what I'm doing or cheating on anyone I'm obligated to (b) I've been very honest w/ the person I'm involved with (him) about my intentions, agenda, etc. © I don't have any relationship or connection to his wife. Clearly, he is cheating on his wife, and clearly hasn't agreed to the relationship he has with me ...so I do think he is clearly engaging in unethical behavior. So...I guess I'm "an accessory to unethical behavior" - hmmm? I don't feel like what I'm doing is directly unethical, but I guess I'm not squeaky clean either
cancer01 Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 [color=darkblue][/color] I don't know what to do . I met this man and i didn't know that he was married until after we met and It's crazy how we actually met. But he told me that he was married not long after we met. I accepted it. But he tell me that i am not the only one that is in a crisis. He tells me that he does not love her and he has a ltttle boy with her. But he told me that if i really wanted him to prove to me that he loved me that he would take his little boy and leave without telling her and i told him not to do that. he even told me last night that if it meant him leaving and not seeing his son and living in a hotel he would and he said all i had to do was say i was ready for im to leave her. But i couldn't do that. He tells me all the time that he can't stand the Bitch and i believe him. i hear them arguing all the time . He told me that they havn't even slept together since we been together and i believe that. I don't know why we're so in love but we are and its hard to hang on knowing that he has obligations. But he tells me to be patient until i get of age which isn't to long from now. He even tells her that he got a girlfriend and talks to me on the phone in front of her when he feels like being crazy. She fights with him because of it and he just calls her a bitch and says he got some one that loves and respects. She even tried to get on the phone with me a few times but he wouldn't let that happen The good thing is that she does not know who i am. But when worse comes to worse i would never make it to where he couldn't see his son i would have to call it off before he can't ever see his son because then i wouldn't be happy knowing a part of him is unhappy. He's trying to make her leave on her own will so that she wouldn't take his son away and him not ever beable to see him and also her mother is the judge in crowley and she can throw a distribution of cocaine charge on him . But he swears to me he loves me We even went to a card reader and he told me that he loved me more than he ever loved his wife but there are obligations and if there wasn't then we would probably be togeher for a lifetime. Well i will try to be strong and hang in there ;because i know that i love him more than anything in this world I have that i have faith in him. But He really can't stand the bitch!!!!!
notanangel Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 I'd run fast and hard. Hes obviously disrespecting you both by calling you when she knows. Hes doing it to piss both of you off.
dyermaker Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 Your rationale upsets me. If you hand a guy a loaded gun, and encorage murder, and he shoots someone, even if it's someone you don't know, is it still wrong?
TEETER Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 Okay, I guess I might be a little young to understand, by why would you want to date a married guy in the first place?? He has a wife, and children, and if he would mess around on her, don't you think he would mess around on you too??? Once a cheat always a cheat in my book. If he wasn't happy with his wife, I think he would have got out of that situation by now. Don't waste your time, you can do better then that.
eastside Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 Tetter, I do not agree with you. If you don't like your job, would you quite before you find a new one? You will go out interview, or try to do something part-time. If you find another job that is just as good or slightly better, you won't quit your current one (if your company has incentives for long-term employment). You will only leave, if you find a MUCH BETTER job, excitement, financial reward have to be much >>>> than the uncertainty; or if you get fired. That's the same with relationships and affairs. If he does not leave the wife, does not mean you are not better than her, just he is probably not a great risk taker, or you are better but not enough to compensate the uncertainty.
Josie Lea Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 In the early part of 2002 I began seeing this man (elhl sleeping with is a better way of putting it at that time) We were VERY casual - ust sex. We lost touch and started seeing each other again in Sept of 2003. It quickly became much more than sex this time. I asked him in Oct of 2003 if he "got married after the last time we saw each other" he said no. (truth had been told he had been married for 5 yrs at this point- and has a 4yr old and an 18mon old- which I had no idea about). Things got more serious and we became really close- me being the non-trusting type, pushed him away several times, even giving him the out of "lets just be friends" when we also got professionaly involved. He always said he didnt want that. Well, in Jan (2004) I was doing some research on his bio for something we were working on and looked up the title to a book he had written- and there in the review was " inspired by his wife". I almost passed out. I confronted him- he admited it, said they were having problems and he didnt want to be married anymore. I freaked out- i am a product of a home where my father had an affair and left our home. After weeks of not talking then slowly talking to him, we met to talk where he said he didnt want me to push him away and to let him fix everything. I told him that day, that I think he should give it another try with his wife if for no other reason then for the boys. So that later on he could feel good that he gave all he had. He said he couldnt stand to lose me and wanted to be with me. I told him it wasnt about me but about his family and how they feel that should matter. This is a man who I finaly let in and dispite my impules to run I didnt. We began seeing each other again- feeling guily that i questioned his every move. I was told by friends that if i was going to make this work, i had to give some trust back. So i did....... On Sunday, he called me to tell me that he had been distrught all weekend about what he is doing. And that he owes it to them (his wife and boys) to cut off anything with me and work it out with his wife. I was in shock- he was quoteing me back to me- but this time as he pulls my heart out. He is now saying "i cant lose you as a friend you mean too much to me, this is something I just have to do" NO ****! I told you to do it!!! Instead you pull my heart in futher. The sad part is I dont want to lose him- I have put all the bad parts about us in this- that is the only bad thing. No man has ever made me feel about myself and about relationships the way he has. It is the best sex of my life and the safest I have felt in a relationship (before Jan that is) Now it is all upside down and my heart still wont let go. We have such an intimate friendship that I would die to lose that over anything else. I dont know what to do. He has told me that she knows who I am as a friend only. I have impulses to tell her everything- he says he is going to get into theapry- i wonder if he will tell the whole story!
Skittles Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 I dont know what to do. He has told me that she knows who I am as a friend only. I have impulses to tell her everything- he says he is going to get into theapry- i wonder if he will tell the whole story! Josie Lea telling his wife will do nothing but damage if you have any hope at all of having a relationship with him in the future. It might be better to leave the betrayed spouse out of it, she has enough pain in her life, guaranteed. Let him go. He needs to figure out what he wants...actions say it all. What stinks is that you have sunk your heart into this and the mm has enjoyed the benefits of his relationship with you and has lost nothing if his wife stays with him. I hope you can move on without him and towards a relationship with a man who knows what he wants. I tell you what, I'm not into sharing my man with anyone..thats for sure. Good Luck
Author kkat Posted February 21, 2004 Author Posted February 21, 2004 Hi there. I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. I wanted to tell you that I agree with Skittles' advice. I originally started this thread, when, in the depths of my pain I also thought about telling his wife. Through the advice and insight of both OW, betrayed spouses, and other great people on here, I was able to realize I didn't really want to do that. In these triangles, his wife is an innocent party in terms of the affair. They likely aren't perfect people, but they certainly didn't walk down the aisle and chant any vows about agreeing for their husband to have another emotional and sexual partner. Just saying that I think you shouldn't tell her.
Skittles Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 In these triangles, his wife is an innocent party in terms of the affair. They likely aren't perfect people, but they certainly didn't walk down the aisle and chant any vows about agreeing for their husband to have another emotional and sexual partner So right kkat.. You are sounding much more centered since you have been posting here . Right now I know the wife of a predator mm who is circling a g/f of mine, hoping to take advantage of her emotional vulnerability..And the screwed up thing is my g/f knows his wife and likes her too!..They have lots in common and could be great friends if circumstances were different. I beg Jesse not to get involved with this mm and tell her to imagine his wife's face every time she begins to weaken . His wife deserves so much more, Jesse deserves so much more I don't get it....Putting the *multiple-partners is nature's way of pollinating other flower theory aside.*..aren't men more than their penises?
jester Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 aren't men more than their penises? Do you want the long answer? No, we're not. Do you want the short answer? No.
Skittles Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by jester Do you want the long answer? No, we're not. Do you want the short answer? No. oh oh oh oh oh jester......... ? Is there a way a gal could keep a penis happy for many many years?..........How could I keep a penis from getting tired of my flower?
Author kkat Posted February 21, 2004 Author Posted February 21, 2004 I only appear more centered because I have fallen for Jester...
Recommended Posts