Don't want to tear open old wound that has healed....

[hotfuss]

This is going to be a weird story, but please bear with me.

 

My husband and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 3. We started dating in high school, I went away to college for 2 years, and then I moved back home and we moved in together. While I was away at college, things were rough. I was incredibly lonely (missed him a ton) and we came very close to breaking up several times. Our relationship sucked at that point, and we were on very shaky ground. During that time, I befriended a guy that was in one of my study groups, and we ended up sleeping together, unplanned, a one-time thing. After that night, I realized what I had done, dropped out of college a week later and moved back home to work on my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband). At that point I didn't realize that there was something SO wrong with our relationship that I was unhappy enough to do something like that. It was incredibly selfish.

 

After moving back, things were much better, and I decided to confess because I felt that he should know. I have never spoken to that guy again, and there was absolutely no way he would have ever found out. I confessed to him because I wanted our relationship to grow, but he got so upset when I was halfway through that I got scared and told him I was drunk and I didn't remember much. That wasn't exactly the truth - I wasn't that drunk. (Please remember this was my first relationship and I was stupid and immature, just turned 19 years old - a combination that obviously didn't lead to the best decisions. ) He accepted what I told him and we moved on and worked through our issues together.

 

That was 6 years ago. The last little "untruth" about the being drunk and not remembering has been bothering me for about a month. I think it would be COMPLETELY selfish to bring up that situation again and cause my husband more pain. He knows that I cheated, and we worked through it, and I think that if I brought that part up it would just open an old wound for him. I feel like I am just nitpicking at myself for some reason, because I can honestly say that if I were in his shoes it wouldn't matter to me (cheating is cheating) and from our talk about it when it initially happened I believe he feels the same way.

 

We now have a strong relationship, we are VERY happily married and I have been completely faithful to him ever since and there is absolutely no chance that I will ever cheat on him (again). I am a completely different person than I was at 19, I took my marriage vows seriously, and I just don't really see how it would help things to bring that up again.

 

So basically.... How do I get over the bad feelings about myself? I discussed my current guilt/feelings with my sister and she agrees that this is nothing that needs to be brought up again, and she basically told me that she has no idea why I am so worried about it. I do - I am extremely critical of and hard on myself. I just need to figure out how to move past this on my own. Any ideas from those who have been there?

[MARINE_ONE]

If you love him and want your relationship to work, then DON'T say a thing. Don't hurt him to satisfy your own guilty consious. It is not fair to him. You had your chance to tell him the whole truth years ago. Plus telling him now would only show him u lied and he will have trouble trusting u again.

 

In short, you made the mistake so you should live with it.

[Jeff1962]

You feel guilty because you are in love with your husband. You've already confessed your one time. He has aparently forgiven you. You will only make things worse by going into any further detail with your H. Let it go. I understand that you panicked, you are afterall only human.

 

I really don't see how re-opening this wound could ever make you feel better. You know it's only going to hurt him. Will you feel better knowing that you have re-hurt your H.?

 

I tip my hat to you for being mostly honest with your H. Let this go and continue to love him with all of your heart.

[whichwayisup]

Seek some counselling to help you let go and move on. Therapy can help you face things and also help give yourself closure and most of all, to forgive yourself. Your H seems to have, so now it's time to focus on the NOW and the future, not hold on to stuff from the past.

[jwi71]

Yes, get some IC to help you with this.

 

Personally, I WOULD tell. I say it time and again...the truth will set you free. Had you been 100% then...you would not be here now. Carry that forward...you either continue to have this guilty feelings or you anesthetize part of your soul to live with it. Since he knows you cheated and you then omitted details...I would sit your H down and tell him.

 

Ask forgiveness, and seek IC. Maybe go to MC together.

 

I don't think, depending upon what you left out, it will be so soul crushing.

 

In fact, why don't you copy and paste your post and these replies and print them for HIM to read. So HE knows why you lied and why and how this has bothered you.

 

I actually like your chances upon confession.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

I can see value and consequences of either choice.

 

For one, if it is something that bothers you, it will have an impact on your relationship left unsaid.

 

On the other hand, a confession would bring up a huge rift in your relationship, that would take time, effort, and perhaps counseling to recover from.

 

If you confess, do NOT expect that your husband will simply accept the confession. He will likely ask A LOT of questions i.e. how was the sex, what positions, was there oral, did you kiss a lot, did you cuddle, how long did it last, how big was his weiner, did you use a rubber, what did he look like, what was his body like?

 

Are u prepared to answer THESE questions honestly?

How would your husband react to the answers?

 

I think you should consider counseling prior to making a decision.

[reboot]

I see no point in saying anything else to your husband about it. Whether you were drunk or not changes nothing. Normal people don't have sex just because they're drunk. I'm betting he knows this too.

 

You were young and dumb. You confessed, he forgave you, you have a great relationship at the present. You sound like you're a great wife now. Just let it go.

[Gabriele]

Yes, get some IC to help you with this.

 

Personally, I WOULD tell. I say it time and again...the truth will set you free.

 

 

This is right....it will set YOU free, not your DH! I am a victim of my H cheating, he also confessed, he cheated 2 times.......12yrs ago and 8yrs ago. It is still a rocky road for us. But I think YOU need to work on YOUR guild, leave your H alone, I think reliving it will just completely bring it all back and this time much WORSE cause you lied.

 

When my H confessed he told me he told me everything, then 3 months later I found out he lied about the details and events........that was devastating. If you truly have a happy marriage, let it be happy......this is YOUR problem not his.

 

Gabriele

[hotfuss]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! You have all pretty much reinforced my feelings exactly on this matter.... I know that you disagree, jwi71, and I appreciate your opinion as well, but like Gabriele responded, I think that it would make ME feel better, not him. I do NOT want to cause any more pain or raise any doubts in his mind because honest to God he has nothing to ever worry about. I feel like this IS my burden to bear, I am just trying to figure out how to go about my own healing processes. I want to be the most supportive and loving partner that I can possibly be anyway, and the fact that I know what has been done (by my own thoughtless stupidity and fear) gives me more motivation to keep at it on the days that I may not particularly feel like it. I love him immensely, and he makes me want to be the best person and partner I can be. I don't think he should be "punished" and feel insecure in our relationship for something that I did, especially because honestly I became a completely different person right after I realized what I had done. I am determined that this will not affect our relationship in any way, because he really is an incredible person and I am thankful that I have him in my life every single day. I want him to be happy. I am attempting to bury my past because I have learned from it.

 

Do any of you have experience with IC? What is it like? I have never been, though I probably should have gone that route a long time ago because of a prior traumatic experience (non-related) that I am still trying to heal from.

[on1wheel]

The only way I would disagree with what you have chosen to do would be if HE was asking "are you sure you were drunk?...did you really tell me everything?" But since he has forgiven you

And gotten past it, do not remind him. It would do HIM no good whatsoever. Definitely try the counselling though; they can help you deal with both of your trauma's.

I wish you well & hope you find true happiness...it's what we're all searching for as human beings.

[SleepingDog]

For Goodness Sake, don't confess anything else. You've already owned up to the infidelity, why tell the rest? The details don't differ THAT much.

 

It might be different if you had had a full blown affair. It is really much easier to get over a one night stand than an affair (I had to go through both, first a GF who had ONS, then my wife had an A), and then you would be substantially lying.

 

Part of the healing process for betrayed spouses is having to accept the fact that there are some details that they will simply never know. He has clearly accepted that.

 

Confessing all over again will simply force him to pose new questions: what else have you been lying about? I agree, this is about alleviating your guilt, not about your H or your marriage.

 

Betrayed spouses normally would insist you own up, and that they don't so here should tell you enough.

 

IC is fine. It is no miracle but it helps to have a neutral bystander listen. I bet you 100% he will ask you WHY you think these feelings are popping up now and if you are REALLY as secure in your relationship as you say.

[hotfuss]

The only way I would disagree with what you have chosen to do would be if HE was asking "are you sure you were drunk?...did you really tell me everything?"

 

I see your point, and I agree - I won't continue the lie if he feels that he needs to ask questions like what you mentioned. I can't see that happening, to be honest with you, because we haven't spoken about it since about a year after it happened, but I would answer honestly if asked. The current conflict that I have going on is purely internal; I am trying to move past it (again) and find a way to make myself TRULY realize deep down that I am no longer capable of doing such a thoughtless thing and that the person I am today is worthy of the love and attention from such a wonderful person. That proves hard to do because when I start feeling good about myself there's a little voice inside me that says ("But you're still a whore!"). I think it's basically a confidence and guilt thing, at this point. Thanks for your input! I wish you happiness as well.

 

For Goodness Sake, don't confess anything else. You've already owned up to the infidelity, why tell the rest? The details don't differ THAT much.

 

It might be different if you had had a full blown affair. It is really much easier to get over a one night stand than an affair (I had to go through both, first a GF who had ONS, then my wife had an A), and then you would be substantially lying.

 

Part of the healing process for betrayed spouses is having to accept the fact that there are some details that they will simply never know. He has clearly accepted that.

 

Confessing all over again will simply force him to pose new questions: what else have you been lying about? I agree, this is about alleviating your guilt, not about your H or your marriage.

 

Betrayed spouses normally would insist you own up, and that they don't so here should tell you enough.

 

IC is fine. It is no miracle but it helps to have a neutral bystander listen. I bet you 100% he will ask you WHY you think these feelings are popping up now and if you are REALLY as secure in your relationship as you say.

 

Thanks for posting, I really appreciate the points you made - about the betrayed spouses on this forum, and about the healing process for betrayed spouses and details of what happened. Neither of those occurred to me. Thanks also for your input on IC - I am secure in my relationship, I think the problem is that I am not secure with myself. I still don't feel worthy of being with such a great person, and sometimes I still feel like a whore, like I mentioned in the response up above. That feeling has never completely gone away. Maybe it won't, and if it doesn't I have come to terms with the fact that it's my punishment for doing what I did. I am super harsh as far as criticizing myself goes, and while I keep trying to remember the circumstances and the fact that I have changed, they all just sound like crappy excuses in my head, if that makes sense. I even feel guilty for forgetting to say, "Please" and "Thank You" in common, everyday situations (like at a gas station), if that puts any perspective on my self-criticism. I feel like that is something that I could definitely work on in IC, among other things. Thanks again for your thoughts!

[reservoirdog1]

Being drunk doesn't make a person cheat -- it simply makes it easier for them to do what they were thinking about doing anyway.

 

I raise that because it's probably the way you should think about it, at least to make this easier on yourself. Just remind yourself that even if you hadn't been drunk, you were willing to cheat on him. The booze would've just made it happen a bit easier. And the end result, booze or no booze, would have probably been the same.

 

Point being, you've acknowledged that end result, both to him and to yourself. And he's evidently forgiven you, and the two of you have moved on and solidified your relationship. I don't see any good coming at this point from re-hashing things with him. Seeking counselling to deal with the guilt could be helpful for you.

[jwi71]

I see your point, and I agree - I won't continue the lie if he feels that he needs to ask questions like what you mentioned.

 

The lie isn't to HIM dear...its to YOU. More on this later.

And lets be honest, since he already thinks he has the truth he won't ask about it again...he made peace with what he believes to be true.

 

The current conflict that I have going on is purely internal

 

Of course it is...we all get that.

The point of debate is HOW to quell it.

 

; I am trying to move past it (again) and find a way to make myself TRULY realize deep down that I am no longer capable of doing such a thoughtless thing and that the person I am today is worthy of the love and attention from such a wonderful person

 

You HAVEN'T forgiven YOURSELF. And how can you? The lie keeps it alive.

You know, at some level within yourself, that your H has NOT forgiven you. He can't. Its impossible. What he forgave is NOT what you did. He has forgiven a lie. And its slowly eating at you. Its clear as day in that quote above. That, to me, is the crux of this...that single lie is feeding YEARS of guilt and remorse and sadness.

 

End it. And you do it by...oh, you know. See, I resisted. Kudos please.

 

Look, you ARE worthy of him. Your ACTIONS since the lie solidify that. I think your H sees that too.

 

That proves hard to do because when I start feeling good about myself there's a little voice inside me that says ("But you're still a whore!").

 

And this continues. It doesn't go away until you ASSUAGE the guilt. Its a like fire, burning for eternity. And the ONLY way to extinguish a fire is to deprive it of fuel. Kill the lie. Damn, there went my kudos.

 

Can you imagine life when your H looks at you, says "I love you" and does so knowing the WHOLE truth? That guilt and fear gone? To feel the sun on your face after so long in the dark?

 

Think about it.

[reboot]

jwi, normally I agree with most things you say. We seem to think a lot alike. In this case though, I just can't see the point. In my view, she told a little white lie to make a big bad truth a little easier to deal with. And on top of everything else, they weren't even married at the time (I know they were committed even so, so that's only barely mitigating).

 

The wrong thing she did was to cheat on him. But she 'fessed up and he forgave her. Many, many years ago. They are happy now. Whether she was really drunk, a little drunk, or stone cold sober doesn't change any of that even just a little bit.

 

It's just tearing open an old wound for no good reason. JMO.

[jwi71]

. In my view, she told a little white lie to make a big bad truth a little easier to deal with. And on top of everything else, they weren't even married at the time (I know they were committed even so, so that's only barely mitigating).

 

Oh I agree...she panicked and told a little lie.

Except, as time has passed, this lie has grown, like an embryo inside of her.

The problem is the guilt and shame resultant from the lie...not the act itself at this point.

 

The wrong thing she did was to cheat on him.

Yes and was forgiven. Mostly (except for the lie).

Whether she was really drunk, a little drunk, or stone cold sober doesn't change any of that even just a little bit.

It matters to HER.

This is one of the few cases where learning "coping skills" in IC is NOT the way to go. Because, in this case, coping skills are behaviors and though process to deal (cope) with some externality (the lie). Why? Why go through all those gyrations when she could tell and eliminate the need to cope. Just tell. My gut, based on her posts, this is NO big deal. I don't think it opens old wounds (hell, they NEVER closed).

 

Oddly enough, should the OP tell, the BIGGER problem will be this:

 

Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me sooner?

 

10:1 odds.

 

Obviously, its the OP's life and decision. I can't persuade her either way.

But my gut, for whatever its worth, says telling lifts the burden and brings them CLOSER together.

 

The shortest path between to points is a straight line...not some drunken wobblefest.

 

I definitely lost my kudos.

[AsTearsGoBy]

sweetie, you have nothing to confess to. leave this behind you and don't look back. have a wonderful life!!!