WAW comes back....

[comj49]

After 9 years of marriage my wife wanted a seperation. We did a trial seperation for a coulple months until she decided she needed a real seperation and wanted to start dating other people. My story is on here somewhere, not sure how to post the link though.

 

After 2 months of being separted she was starting to feel different about our marriage and where it was heading. To my disbelief she decided to make an appointment with my counselor. Last week we met and she told me she missed me and wanted to try again. Since then we have connected better then we ever have, even going back to when we first got married. We both realize we have alot of work, but we are both committed to doing whatever we need to make things work. We are both different people now. I spent most of my free time reading and thinking about what i would do different if we ever got back together. I did the typical things in the beginning, begging, crying, etc.. Once i let all of that go and really gave her the space she was asking for, she got a chance to think about why she was leaving and if it was what she really wanted.

 

The biggest thing i did was stay patient. I was tempted to spy, get angry, call names, confront her, etc..but i held off. I did that for my own sanity. I realy didn't want to know everything she was doing at all times. I found out enough early on to not need to know everything. I told her I know enough to start thinking about divorce, but i was willing to wait until i was 100% sure. In the end, it was my patience that made her see how much i loved her, which made her come back.

 

My situation might be different since my wife isn't a cheater at heart. She confused a stale marriage with lost love of her husband. She didn't realize what we could re-create. Once i let her go, she saw a confident, patient husband that was working on himself mentally and physically, and she started to have feelings for me again. Now we are talking all the time, spending time away (we are going to Niagara Falls for Valentines Day), and getting to know each other again.

 

I just wanted to let everyone know that the advice given by most everyone here is 100% correct. If your SO wants space, give it to them! They are the only ones that can make the decision to come back. The more you or your families try to convince them what they should do, the more they turn away. Work on yourself, limit contact or go NC, and my advice would be to not give up unless you are sure it is what you want, stay patient. I might be more forgiving then most, but I showed my wife unconditional love, and now she wants to show me the same kind of love in return.

[CM2009]

Hey buddy congrats on getting your wife back, I knew it was possible to get your spouse back. I'm at that point where I've given my wife her space now the questions is if she was to ever come back would I want her back and right now thats up in the air. If I see her or talk to her its short and sweet, but like I said I'm happy for you and your wife and I pray that you 2 make it..... God Bless!!

[LisaUk]

Pleased for you. Unfortunately some don't come back no matter what, I have been NC TOTALLY for over 9 months, he's gone. You are one of the lucky ones, I hope it works out for you.

[aimchase]

That's great advice com - I wish i'd have done that more at the start. I'm doing it now but with a view to properly conentrate on my own life. Who knows how that will make her feel in the long run.

 

Best of luck in your fresh relationship.

[mimidarlin]

My psychiatrist advised me to be patient. I had some idea of the monumental task that would be because of how long it might take. I knew that I might run out of patience and file for divorce because I was tired of the run around.

 

You've convinced me to stick it out and take baby steps. Give him space so that he can move forward. If he doesn't move forward of his own free will then we won't have a good relationship anyway. I'm starting to realize that this might take months. I'm realistic about the possibility of divorce and I am protecting myself.

 

I don't know if I can handle dating other people. We have agreed to not date others though we are separated. I am working on the not checking up on him. It isn't healthy for me to obsess about him and his behavior. I have to focus on me and my health. My friends and my life. My dreams. I need to figure out where I we went wrong (besides the obvious bad behavior).

 

Thank you for the hope comj49

[br0ken_w0lf]

Congratulations, comj49! I've always been hoping to read such a story on here and it's great to hear. I wish you both all the best. You are both very lucky people.

[Steadfast]

Wow, what a great uplifting post! I am so happy for you both.

 

It just goes to show if love exists, the rest can be fixed. Yes, I truly believe, even better and stronger than ever. I don't know your details, but Michelle Langley once told me in an email that she'd rather be married to a person who knew they could cheat -but made the choice not to- than a person who believes they would never do such a thing. Vainglory is a dangerous thing.

 

Have a wonderful Valentine's weekend! Time to make new memories-

[Chrome Barracuda]

I hope it works...

[comj49]

My psychiatrist advised me to be patient. I had some idea of the monumental task that would be because of how long it might take. I knew that I might run out of patience and file for divorce because I was tired of the run around.

 

You've convinced me to stick it out and take baby steps. Give him space so that he can move forward. If he doesn't move forward of his own free will then we won't have a good relationship anyway. I'm starting to realize that this might take months. I'm realistic about the possibility of divorce and I am protecting myself.

 

I don't know if I can handle dating other people. We have agreed to not date others though we are separated. I am working on the not checking up on him. It isn't healthy for me to obsess about him and his behavior. I have to focus on me and my health. My friends and my life. My dreams. I need to figure out where I we went wrong (besides the obvious bad behavior).

 

Thank you for the hope comj49

 

 

Waiting is the hardest part! It is a struggle every day! You feel like you need some sort of progress one way or another. I got to the point where I needed to file and I told my wife I was done. We both talked to lawyers, even talked about how we would divide property, custody of our kids, everything. It was then when I realized I was rushing it out of emotion. I called her the next day and told her to take as much time as she needed. I was willing to wait just so I didn't have any regrets if we did divorce, but that I was OK if we did. In talking with a few of my divorced friends, every one said they regreted not trying harder, every one. I didn't want to regret anything. I knew I wasn't ready to move on and start dating or get into another relationship, so why rush a divorce. I know how hard it is, so don't think you are alone.

 

If you are going to have another shot, he needs to come back on his own. You can't convince him. Go have fun with your friends, your family, or just you! Don't tell him what you are doing. If he wants space and privacy, you deserve the same. Make your own life, as if your divorced. If he wants to be part of it, he will come back. The biggest mistake I made was listening to everyone except for my wife. She wanted space, but I kept trying different things to convince her to come back. Once I listened to her needs, she responded. Go on with your life, despite how difficult it might be. Work on yourself. As soon as she left, my faults hit me right in the face. I decided, based on advice from people on this forum, to work on those faults. I am sure you know your faults in the relationship. Work on those things. You can't worry about what his faults are. If you fix yourself, you will be better off, with or without him. I know how hard it is, just keep going one day at a time. Good luck, hang in there!!

 

I know I am truly lucky, I didn't see this coming, at least not this soon. We are both getting a second chance, and I will make sure I do things differently this time.

[sunrae]

Yay!.. Congratulations... I hope things keep going well for you.

Thanks for sharing...

[mimidarlin]

Thanks Comj49,

Patience has never been one of my strong points and this is going to be a trying time. I am glad I have places to vent like LS. I have my friends and family as well. His family is concerned about me/us as well. I am trying to take care of myself and battle my sense of being alone.

 

He wars is @$$ off...so many hours a day. I wonder if he does it just to avoid being alone. He is doing very little to enjoy himself. I know this because I see him logged on messenger but I avoid messaging him myself.

 

Does anybody feel like they don't want to drag their friends down into the pit with them. I avoid talking to people about the subject because I start to tear up every time and I don't want to bring them down. One friend is getting married and I want to help celebrate her joy though I am miserable.

 

One friend is on her 3rd marriage. She got pregnant within a few months and then he cheated on her when he was deployed. We have things in common but neither of us want to dwell because we both start to tear up.

[floridapad]

If you are going to have another shot, he needs to come back on his own. You can't convince him. Go have fun with your friends, your family, or just you! Don't tell him what you are doing. If he wants space and privacy, you deserve the same. Make your own life, as if your divorced. If he wants to be part of it, he will come back. The biggest mistake I made was listening to everyone except for my wife. She wanted space, but I kept trying different things to convince her to come back. Once I listened to her needs, she responded. Go on with your life, despite how difficult it might be. Work on yourself. As soon as she left, my faults hit me right in the face. I decided, based on advice from people on this forum, to work on those faults. I am sure you know your faults in the relationship. Work on those things. You can't worry about what his faults are. If you fix yourself, you will be better off, with or without him. I know how hard it is, just keep going one day at a time. Good luck, hang in there!!

 

.

 

Truer words have never been spoken. I have been "patient" for eight months now and in the beginning I put a time line on my patience because I just couldn't handle being in limbo. I never pushed a divorce (some will say thats wrong but oh well) but did mention it a couple of times and let her know I was not scared and if she wanted it I would do a shot gun divorce and get it done quickly. My deadline kept stretching out because I wanted to avoid the pain of divorce but limbo was just as bad. I forced my self to crawl out of limbo. I made a choice to leave limbo. I could do that by divorcing (which is not something I want right now) or I can live my life, have fun, work on my issues and try to develop a seperate independent identity and NOT focus on reconciliation or the marriage. This process continues and it has basically allowed me to throw a time line out the window because I was no longer in limbo, I don't have a great desire to be in a deep relationship with someone else and I was living my life like I was divorced anyways. It has allowed me to detach from the outcome of my marriage even though I would prefer for it to survive. It has allowed me to be more demanding in what I expect from my W should she chose to try again. Rushing a divorce can have horrible long term affects because a person feelings change through out the course of this process. I don't want to be looking 10 years down the road and saying I was too weak to be patient. I was to ignorant to not look inside myself and break out of limbo in a way that didn't require divorce. Our brains have a funny way of justifying our decisions based upon our current feelings, but through the years as time passes that little nagging voice can sometimes come up and kick you in the ass. The likely outcome for My W and me will be divorce but I'll be damned if I don't use this opportunity to test my self, my strength, my desire to grow and KNOW that I did everything I could, now and 20 years from now.

Edited February 11, 2010 by floridapad