Questions about dealing with the start of a very complicated relationship.

[Serenityfound]

I need advice from anyone willing to offer. Let me jump right in and explain the background and the situation.

 

I have fallen in love with my best friend. Unfortunately she is still married and in the process of a hard divorce. Her husband is emotionally abusive and refuses to let go of her and there are children to consider. We have known each other for some time and I have been in love with her for almost two years and we have become incredibly close friends over the last year. Her marraige has been in trouble for over 6 years and after three years of a failed reconciliation she wants out desperately.

 

I knew that she loved me as a friend and we have always had chemistry but I had not revealed my feelings for her because of her marriage and had accepted that we would only be best friends. This changed recently when she revealed to me that she was in love with me and has been for more than a year. When she revealed this it was like a dream come true and I poured out to her all that I have been feeling and holding in over the last couple years. Right or wrong we have fallen in love.

 

Since then we have been very open and honest with each other talking about our feelings, insecurities worries and desires for the future. We both want to be with each other more than anything but we are both afraid that these complications jeapordize our future. I have never felt like this about anyone and did not even realize it was possible, the is very new ground for me and I feel like my heart is wide open and unprotected. We are not able to see each other often because of geography and the situation but we try to talk every day, this can usually only happen once a day.

 

Now here are the complications I need help with;

How do I deal with waiting for her divorce to be resolved when I love her and want to be with her so badly?

How do I deal with her husband causing her pain on a daily basis, I want to run to save her but that just isn't possible?

How do we cope with the strong feelings of missing each other every single day for what may be a long time?

What can I do to keep her spirits up and support her in this very trying time and still not become depressed myself?

How do I stay strong and focused on the very bright future that is on the horizon with so much out of my control?

How do I avoid putting to much pressure on her but still keep my own strength, she is the one who I would normally turn to for strength but I don't want to over burden her.

In short, How do I reach that moment that I know is right in front of me, where this turmoil is over and we can face the challenges of the future fully together?

[SoleMate]

Wow! Easy questions...NOT!

 

How do I deal with waiting for her divorce to be resolved when I love her and want to be with her so badly?

Self-discipline, cold showers, hobbies, friends, work, family, assisting the poor, lifting weights, crossword puzzles.

 

How do I deal with her husband causing her pain on a daily basis, I want to run to save her but that just isn't possible?

The pain of her marriage is hers and hers alone. Unlike a platonic friend, you really have no business even discussing her marriage with her. Why???? you ask. Because...you cannot possibly be disinterested and your advice is inherently not to be relied on.

 

How do we cope with the strong feelings of missing each other every single day for what may be a long time?

Self-discipline, cold showers, hobbies..... etc.

 

What can I do to keep her spirits up and support her in this very trying time and still not become depressed myself?

I don't understand...does it depress you to keep her spirits up? Couldn't you turn it into a positive, since you are helping the one you love?

 

How do I stay strong and focused on the very bright future that is on the horizon with so much out of my control?

This is the really hard one...OM and OW really DON'T have any control, do they? They're helpless to direct their own fates, as long as they put their lives on hold and wait for their lover to get a divorce. You're basically asking, "How do I feel happy and confident about where this car is going when I don't have the steering wheel and can't see the road ahead? How can I remain sure I'll get to where I want to be when I don't even know what road we're on?" Well...you can't. Sorry.

 

How do I avoid putting too much pressure on her but still keep my own strength, she is the one who I would normally turn to for strength but I don't want to over burden her.

 

How do I reach that moment that I know is right in front of me, where this turmoil is over and we can face the challenges of the future fully together?

I think the best thing for you would be to stop trying to change the OM/OW realities. They are what they are. These facts include:

* Nobody but the husband and wife truly know what goes on in a marriage, and they usually don't see it clearly or report it accurately. So when the spouse says that the married partner is a selfish, abusive, psycho, whatever, the OM/OW should take it with a whole shaker of salt.

* Infatuation, which is the situation where your heart is "wide open and unprotected", is thrilling and overpowering. It can knock your senses out of order.

* Divorce is difficult and painful, and many people stay in suboptimal marriages just to avoid the divorce pains.

* Many people staying in suboptimal marriages desire love, affection, release and approval outside their marriages, from an OM/OW. Their feelings can be overpowering and real, but divorce and successful remarriage remains an unlikely outcome.

* OM/OW who wait around for the divorce often end up posting on Loveshack and asking "Where did the last 12 years of my life go?"

 

You know what you should do, but the chances are slim you'd even be able to process that advice mentally, so I won't bother repeating it here.