Richard_87 Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 Hi all! I hope I wont make this too long, you guys do an amazing job, ive never been through anything more painful than this before! Anyway I was going out with my ex for just under a year, we broke up in October 2002... She said she had changed and didnt know why, but she just didnt love me anymore, im pretty certain there was nobody else involved.. So Ive spent the most miserable winter ever mulling over her, its funny how things are always worst at this time of year for that Ive let it wreck my friendships with other people including my parents, and my grades at school.. But not seeing her makes things worse for both of us.. Im much more depressed when I cant see her.. therefore I dont think a no contact would help my situation.. However we are still really good friends, we do everything together, she still holds my hand, lets me kiss her on the forhead at the station. If you saw us you would probably think we were in a serious relationship, she phones me up all the time, we get on like a house on fire... But i havent heard those three little words again yet... She knows I love her to bits, and she "appears" to be fine with that.. Im seriously confused, sometimes i get the impression she is using me or taking advantage of me until she finds someone new.. Ive thought long and hard about no contact.. Ive even written out a letter i was going to send to her house asking us not to speak for the winter, but I could never bring myself to send it, or keep to the "contract" But then i tell myself that she wouldnt give me so much love and attention if she didnt think we could get back together.. Im confused, all my waking hours are spent thinking about our situation.. When I see her, i dont want to be too pushy, but i dont want to give her the impression that I am fine with being her "mate" for the rest of my life, because I am not... I just want to hear what you guys think, many thanks!... Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 Hi Richard, my sympathies on the pain you're going through. Sounds like you're letting it eat you up. Get ready now for the advice you probably don't want to hear... I see you're 16. You are in that awkward (yet adorable) stage between childhood and manhood. You had a close relationship with a girl who has pulled back somewhat, and yet still is close and involved with you. (Not sure if you have been having sex...it would help if you would spell that out.) she wouldnt give me so much love and attention if she didnt think we could get back together It's clear that she likes you a lot and feels close to you and comfortable with you. Given your ages, is that not enough? What more do you want? Is it a more "physical" relationship, or is it the sense of "belonging" that you would have if you could tell people "She is my girl"? I'll be frank...either of those is just too much for you now. The proof is in your own words...your obsessive feelings about her have damaged your schoolwork, other friendships, and relations with your parents. To have a good life, you NEED all those things to be on track. You don't need to be her buddy for life, you know. How about just until you are 18? And do both of yourselves a favor and see other people a bit - even if only in groups or otehrwise casually. Perhaps you and your "ex" will marry in 5 years, and be together until 2072. I don't want to see you posting here 15 years from now saying, "I love my wife and our 8 children, but I can't help wondering what it would be like to kiss another woman because my wife is the only one I've ever been with..." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richard_87 Posted January 4, 2004 Author Share Posted January 4, 2004 Hi Sole Mate, thanks for the reply... We werent having sex, she didnt feel ready for it which was fair enough for me... I think what I would like most is reassurance, Im a natural worrier, so to have a girl who i know loves me unconditionally is a whole lot of worries disappearing... Without that reassurance, i get into the loop that is feeling bad about myself, so im less likely to get her back.. its a viscious circle, and i guess thats how no contact works in trying to eradicate that..... Im also severely impatient, and i tend to see things that happen at the moment as the be all and and end all (which is madness because im sixteen).... Chances are I will be moving down to South Africa after college, and I dont want to leave her in England as a "mate" , because then I dont feel reassured that I will ever see her again.. Something tells me i've got to strike while the iron's hot (well fairly hot) Anyway I guess she wanted to go and experience other blokes for a while, that makes me worry too that I will never get her back (I wouldnt mind her doing it a bit otherwise ).. Maybe I should get my priorities right and do the same.. Anyway thanks for the feedback, that gives me something to sleep on I Just need reassurance from her! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 Without that reassurance, i get into the loop that is feeling bad about myself, so im less likely to get her back.. It's a truism that you have to love yourself first, before somebody else can love you....hey, every teenager feels bad about themselves, insecure, unattractive, etc. It is an ESSENTIAL part of your development that you learn to look yourself in the mirror and say...that is me...I am OK...I accept me...I love me...I am going to keep working on myself and fix whatever I decide to fix, but whatever happens, wherever I go, I am me and OK and I have value. Blah blah etc. Next step is to go and give your mom and dad a hug and say "Sorry for being such a crazy grump, I'm going through some issues and I love you both for being there for me." You'll be amazed at how good this will make you feel. it's a vicious circle, and i guess that's how no contact works in trying to eradicate that..... I wouldn't choose "no contact" for you unless you can't get your head clear any other way. I think "no contact" is for those who have real pathologies with their partner. BTW - I don't think you should be that close now (for her to be your "partner"). I am glad you (or she) have decided not to have sex for now. You think you're obsessed and on a rollercoaster of pain right now, you sure don't want to see what it's like after you have shared the ultimate physical expression and then had it "ripped" away. My advice: Just take it easy and slow, enjoy the moments with your friend for what they are, work on accepting yourself. work on getting back in synch with your parents, teachers and friends, and let life happen to you. There are many fellows your age who would be head over heels with happiness just to have a girl SMILE at them, let alone be a good close friend that they can kiss and have some (limited ) closeness to. Even though I know you want more, please try to remmber that. Let the pain flow around you and over you - it will not destroy you, if you do not fight it. If you let the pain help you grow, youn will actually be in a much better position to deal with this girl, or perhaps even another girl, at another level in later years. My best wishes - although I am 40 (!) now, I do remember the awful, sweet pain of love and desire at 15. If you could look back from my age, you would definitely say, "Savor the pain." Happy new year! Link to post Share on other sites
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