Hello, I'm nefarious, and I have relationship issues

[nefarious]

Hi everyone - this is my first post. There doesn't seem to be an introductory section so I wasn't sure where to put it. This board seems to be the most relevant place.

 

I'm not entirely sure what I'm here for - maybe advice, or feedback, or information ... not sure. My story is that I'm 29 and have never been in a relationship. I've dated some but overall I'm *very* inexperienced with the whole romance side of life. I think this stems from an equal mix of apathy, independence and fear. I'm not unhappy being single, and could possibly stay this way my whole life quite contently. However, I suspect that I might avoid relationships partly out of fear, and I don't want that to be the deciding factor in whether or not I form intimate, romantic relationships. I'm trying to decide now what to do about it, how best to break down that fear.

 

I had several bad, formative experiences with friends when I was a teenager. I think these left me very sensitive to rejection and humiliation. It's really hard for me to open up to people in the first place ... combine that with an embarrassing degree of sexual inexperience (sorry if that's TMI), and you've got a recipe for a pretty daunting challenge. I have dated over the years, but for the most part it hasn't been a very positive experience. It's stressful and even a bit harrowing, and I usually end up breaking it off because I'm not enjoying myself and I come to the realisation that I'm happier by myself than in this stressful situation. I haven't found a way to feel "safe" with potential partners, and as a result I clam up and become afraid to be open with them. I've considered trying counseling for this issue, but not sure what to expect of that either. I'm pretty clear on where my feelings come from, and good at keeping them in perspective (not being down on myself about it) - I just don't know how to work through them.

 

So that's me. Just wanted to say hello and find out if anyone has had similar experiences and how you've worked through fear of intimacy. Look forward to talking with people here. Cheers.

[USMCHokie]

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, and I have diabeetis.

[nefarious]

Hi Wilford!

[Template]

I think to some degree, I feel a lot of ways the way you are feeling. To cope and compensate, I create a much higher standard (physical) in what I look for in a woman, probably knowing that they'll probably shut me down, or reject me, and then I don't have to worry about the social pressure of being "better" than who I am. Know what I mean. I mean, I seriously only try for women truly outside of my league. 1. When they do shut me down, no biggie, they were out of my league. and 2. If I get shut down by a 5 out of 10, does that mean that I'm so ugly a 5 won't date me?

 

The bad thing is, however, that many times, the best part of these 10s, are the fact that physically they are 10s, and personality, spiritually, internally, they are 1s. A lot, not all, go through life relying purely on their looks, and eventually that's going to fade, and knowing what inside of them really is a turn-off.

 

Sorry about the rant, but what's my point. You, like I, inherently suffer from self esteem issues. We aren't comfortable of who we are because of how we are shaped. One of the first things we have to do is identify why that is. A lot of times it's because of disapproval of the one we hold opinion greater than our own. This is the biggest hurdle, as we really have to realize the only opinion that matter about us, is from us. So we go out, we aren't comfortable with ourselves, and its a fair question to ask, how can the other be comfortable. That's just how I see it..

[amerikajin]

I actually have felt this way for much of my life. I was a late bloomer and didn't date much until I was in my mid-twenties - because I would often try too hard to get a girlfriend, and I would end up scaring them away or somehow blow it with the women I was interested in.

 

What I gradually realized was that, by that time, I had become so used to being by myself that I didn't really care about intimacy anymore. I really had no idea what it meant to be in a committed relationship, so I would always try to have my space, which would cause tension between me and the girls I would date. I wouldn't call them enough, text them enough. I didn't want to date them enough. I was fine with a date or two per week; they weren't. It would cause all sorts of relationship tension and I would eventually get tired of it and just pull away.

 

I don't know what happened, but I guess I just eventually found the right person. I found someone who is happy to give me some space, but only so much. At the same time, I'm happy to be around her. I guess maybe you just haven't found this type of person yet. But maybe you will.