Anyone been through this?

[megadeth20]

My girlfriend and I broke up on New Years Day. We had been dating for a year and half and were completely until the last few months when I kinda lost interest in the relationship (this is my first serious one) and I was wondering what it was like to be single again.. well anyways, we broke up and had no contact for a month.

 

During this month I realized how bad I'd screwed up, how I wanted her back, etc. She told me she wanted to wait a few months to see if she wanted it again as well. During that time she was hanging out with some new guy her friends set her up with. after about 3 weeks they had some oral sex. Obviously when I found this out I was a little hurt, disappointed, and mad but I still think I want her back. It's made it so much harder just thinking about her doing this, especially since she is not slutty at all and it completely took me by surprise. I'm afraid if I don't end up getting involved in another relationship and we end up together that that will be all I think about when I'm with her.

 

Anyone have any advice? I'm not going to just wait around, I'll try dating etc, but if it doesn't work out I'd want to still be with her. Anyone gotten back with someone and had to deal with thoughts about him/her doing stuff with someone else?

 

Sorry if I had run on sentences or poor paragraphing. Writing has never been my strong point.

[USMCHokie]

My girlfriend and I broke up on New Years Day. We had been dating for a year and half and were completely until the last few months when I kinda lost interest in the relationship (this is my first serious one) and I was wondering what it was like to be single again.. well anyways, we broke up and had no contact for a month.

 

During this month I realized how bad I'd screwed up, how I wanted her back, etc. She told me she wanted to wait a few months to see if she wanted it again as well. During that time she was hanging out with some new guy her friends set her up with. after about 3 weeks they had some oral sex. Obviously when I found this out I was a little hurt, disappointed, and mad but I still think I want her back. It's made it so much harder just thinking about her doing this, especially since she is not slutty at all and it completely took me by surprise. I'm afraid if I don't end up getting involved in another relationship and we end up together that that will be all I think about when I'm with her.

 

Anyone have any advice? I'm not going to just wait around, I'll try dating etc, but if it doesn't work out I'd want to still be with her. Anyone gotten back with someone and had to deal with thoughts about him/her doing stuff with someone else?

 

Sorry if I had run on sentences or poor paragraphing. Writing has never been my strong point.

 

 

(1) Don't breakup with someone unless you can fully accept never seeing them again.

 

(2) So basically you're saying that you'll date and meet new women, but you still want her hanging around to be with you just in case it doesn't work out?

 

(3) If you can't deal with what she did while you two were broken up, then don't go back.

 

 

You had a case of the grass is greener syndrome and got your ass kicked...it's up to her to decide whether she wants you back...I would just stay away from her, maintain no contact, and continue to live your OWN life...if she contacts you one day, great...but if not, by that time, you won't care...

 

 

You'll tend to notice that we in the breakup and coping forums are not very sympathetic towards dumpers...

[Leia]

(1) Don't breakup with someone unless you can fully accept never seeing them again.

 

(2) So basically you're saying that you'll date and meet new women, but you still want her hanging around to be with you just in case it doesn't work out?

 

(3) If you can't deal with what she did while you two were broken up, then don't go back.

 

 

You had a case of the grass is greener syndrome and got your ass kicked...it's up to her to decide whether she wants you back...I would just stay away from her, maintain no contact, and continue to live your OWN life...if she contacts you one day, great...but if not, by that time, you won't care...

 

 

You'll tend to notice that we in the breakup and coping forums are not very sympathetic towards dumpers...

 

As some would put it ... WORD!

[Nau of the Firefox]

gotta agree, distract yourself for a few months. Don't avoid her but go to places where you usually hang out with your friends and if there is no contact... its over

[megadeth20]

I guess I'm not really sure what I want. I do want her back, but I'm not going to just wait. I want to go date and what not and see what comes of that. However, if she took me back now I would gladly go back. I guess for now I'll stop talking to her and just move on like you guys suggested.

 

edit - it got to the point where we both wanted the breakup. that was just my reasoning for wanting it.

[D-Lish]

You broke up with her because you wanted to see if there was something better out there. You shouldn't have had expectations that she was going to wait- that isn't realistic, and it's unfair to your ex.

 

I also think it's unfair that you want to keep her on the backburner just in case you don't find someone better. That seems to be the theme here. You weren't sure if she was good enough so you left- but you wanted to keep the door open while you searched for a more perfect person.

 

It sounds to me like you wanted her to wait for you while you went off on a search- and now you're upset she might have done something to taint a potential reconciliation in case you don't find what you are looking for.

 

The whole thing seems a bit selfish on your part.

[megadeth20]

You broke up with her because you wanted to see if there was something better out there. You shouldn't have had expectations that she was going to wait- that isn't realistic, and it's unfair to your ex.

 

I also think it's unfair that you want to keep her on the backburner just in case you don't find someone better. That seems to be the theme here. You weren't sure if she was good enough so you left- but you wanted to keep the door open while you searched for a more perfect person.

 

It sounds to me like you wanted her to wait for you while you went off on a search- and now you're upset she might have done something to taint a potential reconciliation in case you don't find what you are looking for.

 

The whole thing seems a bit selfish on your part.

 

 

I'm not "searching" for anyone right now. I didn't break up with her to go look for someone better, I just felt like I wanted to be single at the time which was a mistake. I had and still have no interest in dating right now.

 

We had been fighting quite a bit in the last few months and that pushed me to want to be single, but I realized most of the fights were over stupid stuff that I did. I realized it in the month we had no contact, so that's why I want to try it again.

[megadeth20]

Now that you mention it, I do realize I was selfish. I made a huge mistake and now I'm paying for it. Live and learn, right?

[D-Lish]

Now that you mention it, I do realize I was selfish. I made a huge mistake and now I'm paying for it. Live and learn, right?

 

Well, I got the impression you were wanting to see if there was something better out there. I went back and read your post again, and I might have been harsh calling you selfish and I apologize. If it was a matter of wanting to take time off because of the fighting, I can understand why you wanted to do that (both of you).

 

What makes you think that if you did get back together that things would be different? Sometimes we make a rational choice about leaving a relationship and then find ourselves second guessing the decision when we start to feel a little lonley.

 

You weren't happy or invested toward the end of your relationship- I'd re-visit why that was the case.

[megadeth20]

Well, I got the impression you were wanting to see if there was something better out there. I went back and read your post again, and I might have been harsh calling you selfish and I apologize. If it was a matter of wanting to take time off because of the fighting, I can understand why you wanted to do that (both of you).

 

What makes you think that if you did get back together that things would be different? Sometimes we make a rational choice about leaving a relationship and then find ourselves second guessing the decision when we start to feel a little lonley.

 

You weren't happy or invested toward the end of your relationship- I'd re-visit why that was the case.

 

I'm pretty introverted. I have a hard time opening up all the way, and she asked me to try a bunch of times and I never did it. During the month with no contact I realized that if I ever want a successful relationship I'll need to open up more so I've been trying to show her all this but as of now it may be too late.

[Iamthedouglas]

1) Do not get into a relationship with her again if you think you can't handle it. That wouldn't be fair to you to subject yourself to a test, and it wouldn't be fair to her to be rejected again. Sit back and see if you can stomach the idea of her having been with someone other than yourself as such.

 

2) Do not get accusatory or irritated about the oral sex. She has claim to her own body and what she does with it if she's not with you. Had she been with you, that would be a completely different story. I understand you're not blaming her for it, very good. I'm just saying if the topic ever comes up, keep your tone down and your demeanor calm. If required, state you wish to speak about something else or leave.

 

3) Discover your issue. You lost interest for a reason. If you go back you may find it happening again. Were you feeling less loved than you wanted? Were you annoyed with some quirky habits that could be overlooked or big issues that are worth a breakup? Was she being mean or having her personality shift too much? Were you bored? I can't answer, but revisiting memories of your first few days after the honeymoon phase and the last few days before your breakup may shed some light, just don't be unfair to yourself and focus too hard on the memory itself.

 

4) I have a buddy who had his ex-girlfriend become his best friend after they broke up because they broke up on friendly terms, fair enough I guess. He began dating someone else, and when his new girlfriend asked him to stop hanging out with her "all" the time (because 90% of the time it was 3 of them not 2), he basically refused. He came to me thinking she was being unfair, but I pointed out that he was being unfair. He came to the realization that his ex was sitting there as if she was a backup for him in case things didn't work out, which isn't fair to who he's dating or his ex. My point is, don't assume you can date and that can bring her back. Women aren't computers after all. The awesome computer in the living breaks down, so you go to the basement to use the other one. Women aren't like that. Using the metaphor: The living room computer may be unrepairable". Translation: She may or may not be able to be brought back.

 

5) Love your partner, not your ex. This is what I mean, hear me out. I realize your ex is a special person to you, but if she is that much trouble for your memory, answer if you can honestly date someone else without thinking about her. If you can't, then don't date. Not to be mean, but women deserve better than a guy who lives on memories of his ex. You need to be able to (A): slowly but surely get over the realization of what your ex did (as since she is her own person with her own choices) and try to reconcile without thinking about it or (B) love someone else wholeheartedly without thinking about your ex or comparing things that you did with your ex to things you're doing with your partner.

 

5) Don't worry, advice is more important than spell checking

 

 

Hopefully some of this is helpful. Good luck.