FoolsRushIn Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 I'm worried about my relationship with my boyfriend. We started hanging out over the summer. We met at work. I was still recovering from a horrible breakup of a two year relationship. We had a lot of fun together, and started to become romantically involved. He expressed his feeling of wanting to date me several times, but each time i didn't feel ready to be in a committed relationship. Things progressed between us, and we soon became physically intimate, but still with no commitment. The sex was great, we were building a great relationship, and we really liked spending time with each other. In September, I realized I really liked him, and he treated me well, so we officially started dating. Everything has been great, with the occasional silly couple fights, except for the fact that his sex drive has diminished greatly. He would always tell me he just wasn't in the mood. After awhile, this starts to hurt me emotionally . I feel like he thinks the challenge is over, or he's just not attracted me anymore. So I brought this up the other day. This time, he told me he has trouble having sex with me because he has strong emotional feelings for me. I know, this sounds really bizarre. I don't truly understand it myself. He says that in the past, he had slept with other women just for the sex, with no emotional attachment. Now, that he really has feelings for me, when we start fooling around, he gets the feelings that he had with the other women, as if he was just using me. He claims to have never had sex with somebody he had romantic feelings for. This is totally backwards to me, especially because I am usually the one initiating sex. In my past, sex wasn't always with somebody I was involved with romantically. Sometimes it was just for sex. But why does my boyfriend feel this way with me, when we're in a relationship? Could it be because he is afraid of too much of a commitment? To me, sex isn't everything in a relationship, but is an important part. Has anybody ever had similar feelings like this, or have any suggestions for us to resolve this? Any help is appreciated. Thanks guys!
Girlie Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 He's never had sex with someone he's had romantic feelings for? Can I ask how old he is, just out of curiosity? Has he had serious relationships before where this has been a problem...or has he just typically fooled around in the past? I can't say that I would understand it anymore than you do, but if what he's saying is true, it sounds like he could use a little help. You're right, I think -- sex is not the most important part of a relationship, but it is important. I'm really not sure what you can do other than continue to talk things out with him. It could be that he has commitment issues. Men engage in some strange behavior when they're afraid of committing. If you haven't already, let him know that sex is something important to you if it is important, and that you're more than willing to work through this with him, but that you'd like to actually work through it.
befuddled11 Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 The problem your b/f states he has, I have heard of this before. And I think it's somewhat understandable. I would say it all boils down to a problem with intimacy. It sounds like he's been quite a bit of a player in the past......very likely had little to no respect for women, just saw them as "something to screw"......and never allowed himself to respect or "get close" to them....but would just take what he could get (poor women!). I'm assuming he's grown up a lot since then, and has more respect for himself and women now.......but because of his mindset in the past, and behavior, he still has a hard time *not* associating sex with just getting what he wants, not having to invest himself emotionally, etc. His history of using women and seeing them as nothing more than a one night stand/vagina, is likely quite deeply engrained in him. I saw a relationship show on TV once......a couple with the same kind of problem. The host interviewing them was actually a psychologist. You might want to see if your guy would be willing to speak with a therapist/counsellor.....because I think it's going to take more than just "time" for him to disassociate. A part of it, too, could be a fear of committing....and he behaved the way he did in the past, and felt the way he did, because he felt "safer" that way...less vulnerable, more in control, more freedom. Maybe Moimeme (a regular here) will read and respond......she might even have some book recommendations.
moimeme Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 You rang? Befuddled, I think you probably hit the nail on the head. I have heard of fellows with the same problem; having primarily been 'users', they feel that it is disrespectful to treat a woman they love the same way. There could be other explanations; for instance the madonna/whore syndrome: http://primal-page.com/madonna.htm Here's a book with a different take which might also be of use. The Centerfold Syndrome: How Men Can Overcome Objectification and Achieve Intimacy with Women
Author FoolsRushIn Posted January 4, 2004 Author Posted January 4, 2004 I'm relieved to know this has been heard of before. Thank you to everyone who replied for their thoughts. It really helps me to be able to talk about this to somebody outside of the relationship! Thanks again so much!
kantalek Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 I can't believe I found this discussion immediately. I came in here to ask the very same question. My boyfriend will not make love to me until it is 'right'. He says he wants to get to know me real well so the lovemaking will be extra special. (I didn't think men thought along those lines) He told me also that when he has sex with a woman, it changes the relationship in a negative way. Now you can just imagine how that makes me feel. I told him that making love should bring people closer, not apart. So, now, I'm floating along with the belief that when this man decides the time is 'right', he will be turned off by me the next day. That's a real shot of confidence right there. I have read here all the responses to the original post and it appears that maybe he views women as sex objects?? That maybe he is afraid of commitment?? He told me I should feel special (not those exact words) because he has never tried this before (waiting to make love to someone) and that I should realize I really mean something to him for him to want to approach our relationship this way....he says if we had sex right away like he is used to doing with women, that would mean he didn't care about trying to have a future with me....
moimeme Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Some people grow up with the idea that sex is dirty and bad and that people who like sex are dirty and bad. This sort of thing can be very difficult to overcome. You need to discuss this with him - perhaps you can get at how and why he feels that sex will change things negatively. He says he wants to get to know me real well so the lovemaking will be extra special. (I didn't think men thought along those lines) Every now and then you'll run across an extraordinary man like that
SoleMate Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Unusual problem, but you ladies are right, it does not bode well for a future. These are not men who are saving themselves - they are men who have deliberately trained themselves to be apathetic screwing machines. Now comes a chance to actually have MEANINGFUL sex - and they realize they're crippled. BTW - I don't see this as a lack of respect for women, necessarily. The primary victim here is the man, who has not respected his whole self, but has let his "second head" operate in utter detachment from his heart. All the women he hs contacted physically may or may not have suffered as a result, but he has. It will be hard to switch from using his body to do someone else's body, to bringing his whole self into intimate communion with another whole and vibrant person. This is one of the sadder Loveshack stories. As moimeme pointed out, targeted counseling, including cognitive therapy, may help.
moimeme Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 it does not bode well for a future I wouldn't go that far, unless you mean 'without counselling'. Even so, I knew one person who managed to make the switch. Certainly, though, that 'negative' thing needs to be explored further.
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