Author Samson Posted January 5, 2004 Author Share Posted January 5, 2004 hmmmmm Samson.... is there a possibility that you are jealous because she gets to stay at home while you work?.... Not being condascending either, I truly believe you just may be extremely jealous and resentful because she has to stay at home and you dont. I wouldn't characterize myself as "extremely jealous," but also see no reason I could not stay at home, and she work. Its interesting that you've interpreted that I'm "resentful because she has to stay home" and I don't. in reality, she has unilaterally chosen to stay home in the past, and is planning to do this for the foreseeable future despite anything Imight choose to do. Wow. A lot to respond to! Thanks to all for your posts. i'm really not looking for, nor am I expecting much sympathy. My main point was to see if any onthers had had similar experiences, and if they had solutions. Some posts have offered these, and other posts have brought very good points to light, and they are all appreciated. More later... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted January 5, 2004 Author Share Posted January 5, 2004 OK, sorry, just returned home from work and had to unload some laundry. Anyway, moving into cardboard boxes seems to be unrealistic, not to mention unpleasent. I'll take one step at a time, and think checking out organic (thyroid, hormones) potential problems and mental (depression) difficulties is the first step. There's too much potential for colateral damage to kids to rush into anything. Another interesting thing i've learned from the post is the schism between male & female attitudes. It seems not much has really changed about the role of men and women in a marriage during the past 100 years despite what the mass media would have us believe! Additionally, it is interesting to observe that women seem to focus on infidelity (their mate's) as the main (usually only) cause of separation. I view my "evolution" toward separation with my wife as one that has been caused by a thousand cuts, not simply a few. Although i've stated that I've not had an affair, the "thousand cuts" have accumulated to make this a more attractive alternative. presumably, from the posts that have evaluated me baed only on what they've read (or selected to read) on this post, I should have every reason to believe my wife is thinking the same thing! let's face it, our only best solution will probably be to become really good roomates. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 i'm really not looking for, nor am I expecting much sympathy Oh good I can stop feeling guilty then Another interesting thing i've learned from the post is the schism between male & female attitudes. It seems not much has really changed about the role of men and women in a marriage during the past 100 years despite what the mass media would have us believe! I disagree - what a surprise I hear you say Women do most of the childcare so we will be more sensitive to a view that devalues this role but you have heard examples on this thread of men who do not devalue the role. In fact some value it more than the women do - so there is no essential gender difference in attitude there. There have been enormous changes in the roles of men and women in the last 100 years. I am my husband's equal. I do the household finances. I earn more than him despite working fewer hours (also true for my two closest friends and their husbands). All this pales into insignificance compared to the fact that I am free to choose whether I work or not (as long as my partner and I share key values about what is important in life and do not end up bankrupt). I suggest you read I Don't Know How She Does It by Alison Pearson - not great literature but a very very funny book that illustrates what life is like for many full time mums with a young family torn between work and home. That's why so many choose the compromise of part time work or working from home. It's like the sexual revolution, when birth control was available and attitudes changed then promiscuity was seen as practically compulsory (I exaggerate but bear with me). Then a generation later the emphasis is much more on individual choice. Certainly many women feel that the myth of "having it all" (full time professional job and family) was just that - a myth. It works for some women (I know of two) - nothing wrong with it at all in my view but I know many more women who know they couldn't cope with the conflicting demands and lack of input into their children's upbringing. There's too much potential for colateral damage to kids to rush into anything Found something we can agree on at last!!!!!!! With that I'll sign off. Good luck Samson. Link to post Share on other sites
carra Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 I don't think becoming roomates is a good idea. Not only is it an unhealthy situation for you and your wife, but also confusing and potentially harmful to your children's future relationships. It is never to late to turn a relationship around, so please don't give up samson. I believe the root of the problem lies in you. Talk to a therapist to get the years of anger, hurt and resentment out. Maybe spend a day w/ your wife and kids to see what her day is really like, maybe you will gain a new perspective on her situation? I am not taking your wife's side, but since i do not have her side of the story, i can only direct my attention to things you can do. I would definetely take the advice for your wife to seek treatment as well, and then maybe you both can go to marriage counceling. talk to your wife like she is your best friend and you are interested in her well-being. Tell her the steps you are taking to improve the situation, and perhaps she will open up and become more sympethetic to your feelings and concerns. i hope you can find an agreeable resolution that does not involve divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
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