Making it worse by staying?

[just_some_guy]

Marriage is crumbling, or in my view, crumbled away already.

 

There's no fighting, arguing. No kids to worry about. There's no sex mainly because I gave up some time ago due to her weight and just don't want to try anymore.I'm in IC coming to terms with myself over the issues that have led to the decay and death of the marriage. I'm trying to be strong, to be a good friend to my wife. Especially as she goes through some medical procedures leading up to a gastric bypass to deal with her severe obesity issues. The bypass will likely save her life, because her problem is bad enough to kill her if it continues. My therapist seems to favor the notion of hanging in there until she gets the bypass and on her feet. Seemed like the right thing to do, be supportive as much as I can.

 

But I'm beginning to think that it isn't the right thing, that I'm prolonging the inevitable and giving her false hope. The tendency for denial is pretty strong in her. She keeps telling me she loves me and asking whether we will be alright. Every word I say is being analyzed for possible meaning and significance. In my heart and in my head, I'm constantly thinking that I just want to be out of this. I don't hate her or even dislike her and I hope for the best for her. But it feels like I'm just driving in the knife deeper into her heart instead of providing the emotional support to help her get through the next couple of months, only to leave her in the end.

 

I honestly don't believe she needs me as much as she thinks she does. This woman is so out of touch with her own feelings that she can't even decide what she wants for dinner. She is so used to covering her emotions with food that I don't think she knows what she is feeling at any point in time. The tears and fears are worse than the reality. Recently she had some tests done at the hospital and made a really big emotional deal of it all leading into it and how much she needed me there. Honestly, afterwards, it wasn't that big of a deal. I was there to comfort her and support her, but it is something a reasonable person could do on their own, or with a friend to help out.

 

I've been through an ex-wife's substance recovery in my life and not willing to go through someone else's again. I honestly don't think I will survive it. My current wife's issues with food are every bit as self-destructive as drugs or alcohol. The only blessing is that they don't directly endanger my health or safety. One cannot help but wonder what happens after the surgery? When the stomach cannot be abused, what addiction will take its place? Surely, something will.

 

I'm also emotionally vulnerable to other women. I've been lonely for so long in my own house that I could easily connect emotionally with another woman. It is really hard to stay on the narrow path sometimes. I'm trying to do the right thing, but it is very hard and I'm not getting any younger. Sex is long gone out of my marriage, so I'm missing the physical and emotional comfort. My eye and mind stray. I have to be careful and I have caught myself falling into what could be an emotional affair or what could lead to a physical affair very easily. So far, I've managed to not sleep with anyone.

 

It seems like there is no right answer here, all options suck and all options lead to someone being hurt.