once upon a time there was a...

[blueeyes2]

a sweet shy guy & a sweet shy gal who could not resist the magnetic attraction between them and then

 

 

BAM, here we are unhappily married with a beautiful little girl...

 

this is my first post and what led me to loveshack is my relationship troubles...here is the summation of my troubled relationship with the father of my child~

 

we met through mutual friends and after we both went through very stressful events that were inter~related we ended up working at the same place and getting an apartment together as "just friends" there was an attraction there but I wasnt aware of it at the time...

 

within a few weeks we were shacked up together and we tried to resist the temptation of sleeping together but it was like I said MAGNETIC I have never felt anything like that before...neither of us had much for friends & we both had our emotional scars left on us by the harshness of life & I know that was probably totally reasponsible for the attraction...

 

we were pregnant in a month, when this was discovered, we had both just been fired from our jobs & had a expensive apartment to pay for...and September 11th just happened Not a good way to start a life together! His outbursts started then...I would want to talk and not let up then he would end up throwing something and screaming obsenities at me... this has gone on our whole relationship, he has destroyed many many things...

 

Our daughter was 2 months old when we married, which we did mainly so we could rent my moms house from her We both said we loved eachother so we just got married sooner than we talked about and we were not prepared for this at all!!

 

I talk & think about stuff way too much & my h doesnt want to talk about stuff at all! Great Pair we are!!!!! Well, we made it through our first few months as husband and wife pretty well, we never had sex though...my husband has major issues with sex & intamacy, that has been a HUGE issue in our marriage...after a few months the fighting started, we just could not get on the same page with eachother & were fighting A LOT....and in front of our daughter which I know is soooo awful...it was stopped....

 

this was when my h went onto the night shift so we didnt see eachother much and didnt have a chance to fight...this led to us being seperate all the time & then h moved into the spare room and we were living seperate lives...he hardly would talk to me and we talked about divorce & I thought it was over, that we were just staying together because we need to for us and for our daughter...

 

we were living seperatly like this for a year there we like 2 fights during this which was very good for us...

 

then, he got fired from his job...he started doing some dishonest stuff there and totally deserved to get fired! After that he searched and searched and could not find a job...he got one and only worked a week until they told him it was only temporary for some reason and let him go...he worked here and there with my dad and with that and the help from our families we made it through...after months like this my h decieded to join the Army and I asked him repeatedly if he was absoulutely sure this was the right thing for him and he was sure it was so... he joined in July and shipped out for basic in August...I thought it was over between us so I was all for him going into the Army, he was such a monster most of the time that I was counting the days until he left, I was sick of his abuse and of him ignoring my daughter and I most of the time...a few days before he left we were being nice and getting along with eachother, the night before he left we had sex 3 times and he told me how much he was going to miss me....

 

this made it so emotional and hard for me when he left, I cried for days...

 

during his time in basic I started feeling like I did love him & I wanted us to be a family & he expressed to me that he realized how much he really did love me and that he wanted us to be a family too...so I was counting the days now until he graduated and my daughter & I would fly out to see him and meet him mom for the first time...

 

I hit it off with his mom and I just love her...I also had a good time with my h and I felt so in love with him....the next two months I counted the days until he came home for Christmas...

 

that came and went, he left Weds...

 

the first few days were good...but he started acting the same jerky way he did before, any little thing I said would annoy him, he didnt want to do anything with us unless it was something he wanted to do...he was SO Selfish, more selfish than I have ever realized he could be...

 

he told me he would help out with our daughter when he was home after I had been taking care of her for 4 1/2 months with only help on two or three occasions...I was so excited to finally have a break,,,a much needed break!!

 

Didnt happen!!!! he wouldnt wake up to help, but one time when I had to fully wake up to beg him to do it...

 

he never complimented me on how I looked after working so hard to lose 50 pounds and get in shape! I put so much effort into him coming home and he didnt give a ****!!

 

the sex issue was still there, i felt humiliated when i put on lingerae for him and he ignored me then fell asleep right next to me on the couch!!!!!

 

the last 3 days of his visit he slept on the couch, i didtn want him in my bed...i didnt even want to go to the airport with him but out of wifely duty i did and i havent missed him since he left...i feel like its over.,...

 

i dont want to be with someone who has no integrity or strength of character! He is in the Army and doesnt believe in what it stands for but is willing to be there for me and my daughter he says...there is a lot in it for him or I know he would not be there!!!

 

i am basically playing my part as a wife to keep my daughter and i supported...he has called me a few times and is clueless!! it is so sad! He puts on this fake nice guy attitude in front of everyone but when people arent around he looks pissed and ignores me...

 

we planned for our daughter and i to move to his permant duty station with him...unless he gets deployed next month which may be happening we will find out next week hopefully...i am just not sure counseling can do it...he and i need individual and marriage counseling for us to live civily togeter...i dont know if i can or want to put in the effort i dont know if i can trust him...

 

i dont know the point of my post...exept to get some others perspectives on this...if you have any thoughts i would love to hear them.

 

p.s

sorry for the poor punctuation,spelling & grammer...i just wanted to get this out...

[Samson]

My guess is that you're story has been told about a bazillion times, .............................................and so has mine.

 

feels good to write it......

 

and it feels great to see that someone reads it.

 

I heard ya, and now I'm wondering: If it feels so good to write and have others respond, I wonder how great it would feel to actually take concrete action that others will see and remember you for the rest of your life, and probably their lives (your daughter, for example).

[blueeyes2]

BEAUTIFULLY PUT SAMSON,

 

I have been thinking about this since I posted my sad story here & I was planning to come back and erase because I am kind of embarrassed I posted all this

 

I have already taken action....he was still here and I had realized that I am not responsible for his happiness & he is not responsible for mine...

 

I realized that he doesn't want the same things in life as I do...I have changed dramatically in the past 5 years and he has barely changed at all...Marriage is sharing your lives together & I know I cannot do that with him...

 

I made a poor choice by getting together with him but thats is not something I can or would want to change,,,I got my little angel out of it & I am positive that my little girl coming along saved my life...I am not going to let my little girl end up all messed up like i did...I wont let her grow up feeling alone and not loving herself...she deserves the best I can give her and by myself I am such a better women than I ever have been with her father....

 

Since he left 4 days ago I have bounced right back to 80-90% raw food diet & I have a new dedication to the health of my daughter and I....I see this as an opportunity, we will be moving soon & I am happy to have a fresh start...I have become a strong women and I know I can do this.

 

posting my story here did help me by remembering all the crap this "man" has put me through I realize that my life will be so better without him. I am surprised and proud of myself for feeling so calm & clear about all this...there have been so many times where I was an emotional mess & I am so thankful I have overcome many of my problems & have healed myself & become a pretty awesome mama!

 

namaste

[Samson]

pretty awesome mama!

[mixedup1]

I am feeling happy and sad reading your post blueeyes. Samson obviously understands too. It is good to see a woman who honors her "wifely duties" if that is how you put it.

 

Yes, you are much better without him I would think. It is so hard to love someone and not recieve it back. I guess I am not too proud to say I have been on both ends. It hurts to admit it but I admit it. I am finding out just how much I really don't know about life and the others in your life. These posts on this site have helped me become aware of so many things I have done wrong. It's sad. I feel your pain blueeyes, It's a terrible pain but I want to tell you keep up the great attitude you seem like a beautiful person.

 

I have found a really cool thing I would like to share with whoever is interested. It is called The Work, a different way of relieving your stress by controlling your own thoughts which actually bring us down as individuals. The lady who developed it is Byron Katie, I think the address is http://www.thework.org check it out, its worth looking at. It is the only thing I have found that really seems like its real and it should work.

 

Life is a wonderful thing, just when you think you have it figured out it grabs you by the hair and slams you to the floor because its never figured out I guess....ouch but thats reality. I love learning and boy do I have a lot of learning to do. Just wanted to say a few words and I have said them. Take care all.

[blueeyes2]

Hey mixedup1...your post was so heartfelt that shows alot about you...you are open to life & realize your mistakes & it takes a wonderful person to do that! I noticed your from SLC...I was born in Ogden...its so nice there...as long as your not driving around in an old VW (or any vehicle) with greatful dead stickers on it that is!

 

Well, here's a update...on us...

 

dh (hes dh again...) is being deployed March 1st to do his part in Iraq for a year...he told me that he is going to start attending church & councelling...he has admitted to himself that he need help & guidence...I have been waiting for this...I am hopefull that he will really make that changes he needs to...he knows that we cannot live together until we can get along a treat eachother with love...he does love me...I know this. He doesnt know himself or how to express his love & other emotions & that is a huge problem that he is wanting to work on. I feel hopeful that our marriage will survive this...

 

dd & I are staying here...we get to move where we want to...we have the resources to do this now & buy a car! I feel so blessed and so well taken care of by my dh...he has always given me support & never held the fact that I am a SAHM over my head, ever...I feel secure and taken care of...I am finally awake & alive & in love with life & I am finally going to start being me & living my dreams.

 

namaste'