Evidence shows the majority of MM's do NOT leave their wives for the OW.

[theycallmeprincess]

Evidence on this board suggests that the majority of MM's do NOT leave their wives and famalies for the OW. What was it about your MM's (now husbands) that either gave them enough courage to leave, and own up to that decision, or was bad enough in their marriages to leave?

[Confused4Now]

Evidence on this board suggests that the majority of MM's do NOT leave their wives and families for the OW. What was it about your MM's (now husbands) that either gave them enough courage to leave, and own up to that decision, or was bad enough in their marriages to leave?

I was a MM and I left my marriage been single for 8 months now. To bad my MW hasn't left yet. I can't speak for them but for me leaving and walking away from it all was the guilt. Not being happy and realizing I'm the only one who can control my happiness.

[pureinheart]

Evidence on this board suggests that the majority of MM's do NOT leave their wives and famalies for the OW. What was it about your MM's (now husbands) that either gave them enough courage to leave, and own up to that decision, or was bad enough in their marriages to leave?

 

 

I wasn't sure if this thread was just for GEL and OWoman, although saw the other posters so...

 

I didn't want exMM/friend (which I established tonight do to many mixed messages) to leave for me, I wanted him to leave for him....if he is not lying, he said his ex W after 29yrs gave him a simple ulimatum, and it was not unreasonable (to me anyway) and that particular ultimatum had her either leaving or staying attached to it. He would not do what she wanted.

 

I suppose this was their "dance" per sey to end the M, which the M was bad from day 1 according to both of them and their kids said the same thing.

 

ExMM/Friend is confused, and rightly so, he has spent most of his adult life in confusion. I don't want to ride anymore storms and will loose 20lbs and begin to get out in the world again. ExMM has given me many mixed messages which tells me he really is not interested, and possible just wants a playmate....so I can be friends with him and will be moving on.

 

I am hurt right now, not because it didn't work out, but because he lied to me a lot when he did not have to, I was not trying to be mommy or anything in his life but a friend...he is the one that initiated EVERYTHING and then did not keep his word on any of it.

 

For the record, I apologize for using your thread to vent, although I think I might have stayed kinda on topic for a change...lol...

Edited February 11, 2010 by pureinheart

[jennie-jennie]

I think he had to get things settled in his own mind that he had enough of being unhappy and that the marriage was never going to work.

 

BB, I think you hit the nail right on the head here. No MM can get a divorce until he has reached that point in his mind where he is ready to do so.

 

You chose to walk away while your MM was doing this work, I prefer to stay, well knowing there is no guarantee of the end result.

 

I am curious to how you still can feel it was the right decision to go, being that you stepped into a bad relationship which hurt you in the meantime. Well, of course, I do realize it can still be right even if what happened to you after was bad. Just curious on your thoughts about this.

[Catapult]

Most MM are right where they want to be, married.

 

If they wanted to be divorced they'd get divorced, it's that simple.

 

You will never be a happy OW if you want your MM to divorce or are waiting for him to leave. He doesn't want another wife, he already has one.

 

Women who don't like the fact that their mate has a wife should stick with single men, they'd have a lot less angst.

[Catapult]

 

You chose to walk away while your MM was doing this work, I prefer to stay, well knowing there is no guarantee of the end result.

 

I am curious to how you still can feel it was the right decision to go

 

Maybe she wants to move on with her life and keep her options open? IMO, she's being smart. It's never a good idea to let someone else dictate your future.

[Samantha0905]

I would think by the time a MM or MW left their spouse, went through the divorce, etc. -- and in the meantime the OW or OM has gone through the entire ORDEAL with them -- a lot of the love/romance/fun of the affair relationship would be sucked right out of both of them.

 

I'm sure the BS thinks that's their just deserve and perhaps it is. I don't know how relationships survive such a trial and I think that's why a lot of them just don't make it in the long run.

 

Plus, as everyone says -- the relationship is started with all sorts of deceit going on and it doesn't paint a pretty picture of either the straying spouse or the other man or woman.

 

Affairs, from the outside looking in, are a total train wreck. There is so much pain for everyone involved. The only conclusion I can come to is it's because they aren't supposed to take place.

[Lizzie60]

I end up with my MM when I was 25... kept him for 18 years..

 

Now.. I don't want them full-time.. they have a W and a family.. and it's perfect like that..

 

This is sooo much more exciting..

[jennie-jennie]

Maybe she wants to move on with her life and keep her options open? IMO, she's being smart. It's never a good idea to let someone else dictate your future.

 

BB is back with her now divorced MM. She took a lot of beating during their years apart from an abusive relationship, if I am remembering things correctly.

[Catapult]

BB is back with her now divorced MM. She took a lot of beating during their years apart from an abusive relationship, if I am remembering things correctly.

 

 

That may be true, but the abusive relationship she had has nothing to do with the MM.

 

I maintain that it's dumb to put your life on hold waiting for a MM to leave.

[jennie-jennie]

That may be true, but the abusive relationship she had has nothing to do with the MM.

 

I maintain that it's dumb to put your life on hold waiting for a MM to leave.

 

I agree with that. To put your life on hold waiting for a MM to leave sounds incredibly stupid in my ears too. To be in a relationship with a MM while living your life is a whole different ball game.

[OWoman]

Evidence on this board suggests that the majority of MM's do NOT leave their wives and famalies for the OW. What was it about your MM's (now husbands) that either gave them enough courage to leave, and own up to that decision, or was bad enough in their marriages to leave?

 

Every A is different. The MM is different, the OW is different, the MM's BW is different, the MM's M is different, and the dynamic is different. So there's no One Size Fits All answer to any of that, but I suspect there are some general points that can be distilled out of the "success stories" on here:

 

* the MM was ready to leave. He'd detached sufficiently from the M - either before the A, or during it - and could see a future outside of it (with or without the OW - but, without the BW).

* the MM had made peace with "not having it all" - he knew there'd be compromises (eg, shared custody of kids, possibly a financial adjustment, losing his "home", etc) and was prepared to accept those as a fair price for what he'd be gaining. He was realistic about what leaving would involve.

* the MM was prepared to put in the work - to become healthy and whole and trustworthy, to himself as well as anyone else - and to make sure that the new R was not going to end up down the same route as the doomed M.

 

* the OW did not "settle" for scraps in the A - she demanded to be treated with respect, to not be second best, to not be left hanging around a telephone waiting on the MM. The OW demanded - and got - a FULL R with the MM - something that could set the tone for a healthy LTR post-A.

* the OW had a full, active life that did not centre around the MM. He was a part of it, but not the whole of it. She was not clingy or desperate or needy. She could - and did, in some cases - get along without him just fine.

* the OW was prepared to put in the work too - to build a healthy, trusting R with a MM who'd got a black mark against his name in another R

 

* the A was respectful. The MM did not treat the OW badly. He did not hide her, deny her, was not ashamed of her and did not squeeze her into dark corners of his life. He celebrated her, enjoyed her, kept his promises and was honest and open with her.

* the A - like any LTR - grew and deepened into love, and existed in dimensions other than fantasy. It was more than champagne and roses. The built memories, history, a shared culture and vocabulary of in-jokes, music, special places and dreams.

 

* there was social support - friends, family or others who saw that the A was a positive thing for them, and who supported them in it.

 

I'm not suggesting that all of these "conditions" need to be met for a "successful" out come, nor that all of them being met would necessarily deliver one for the OW and her MM, because obviously there is much more to any R than is reflected here on these boards. But these are just things I've picked up, from reading here.

[bittersweet memories]

I agree with that. To put your life on hold waiting for a MM to leave sounds incredibly stupid in my ears too. To be in a relationship with a MM while living your life is a whole different ball game.

 

 

Don't agree. Sounds the same to me... You might be out and about, but are you dating?

Edited February 11, 2010 by bittersweet memories

[BB07]

Most MM are right where they want to be, married.

 

If they wanted to be divorced they'd get divorced, it's that simple.

 

You will never be a happy OW if you want your MM to divorce or are waiting for him to leave. He doesn't want another wife, he already has one.

 

Women who don't like the fact that their mate has a wife should stick with single men, they'd have a lot less angst.

 

 

Life is not simple.....nor is deciding to get a divorce. Simplistic view of a complicated situation.

[bittersweet memories]

* the OW did not "settle" for scraps in the A - she demanded to be treated with respect, to not be second best, to not be left hanging around a telephone waiting on the MM. The OW demanded - and got - a FULL R with the MM - something that could set the tone for a healthy LTR post-A.

* the OW had a full, active life that did not centre around the MM. He was a part of it, but not the whole of it. She was not clingy or desperate or needy. She could - and did, in some cases - get along without him just fine.

* the OW was prepared to put in the work too - to build a healthy, trusting R with a MM who'd got a black mark against his name in another R

 

* the A was respectful. The MM did not treat the OW badly. He did not hide her, deny her, was not ashamed of her and did not squeeze her into dark corners of his life. He celebrated her, enjoyed her, kept his promises and was honest and open with her.

 

 

 

...OH PLEASE!!

 

That is VERY rare.

[jennie-jennie]

Don't agree. Sounds the same to me... You might be out and about, but are you dating?

 

LOL I am 50. I have no desire to. I get my emotional and sexual needs satisfied by my MM, that is enough for me.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, I still think it was the right decision, despite me getting into a emotionally abusive relationship with someone else during our time apart. I walked away for me more than anyone else and yes I'm the first to admit that I walked into a more dangerous situation. If I had properly shut the door on him and grieved it, I wouldn't have been so vulnerable to making the very wrong choice of getting involved with someone else so quickly.

 

I always knew that he would leave the marriage eventually, I just didn't know when.

So, in answer to your question.

 

I feel that the time that we were apart allowed him to do all the things he needed to do. Knowing him the way I do, I don't think he could have dealt with the guilt he would have had leaving her for me, which he still has a lot of guilt for other reasons unrelated to me. Not being in the picture probably allowed him to give the marriage the best shot that he could or enough for him to be satisfied within himself.

 

I think if I had stayed it would have only hindered the process he had to go through to get from wanting to leave to actually leaving, but this comes from knowing him and what he is about and of course doesn't apply to someone else.

 

Often times we seem to paint some/most of these situations here at LS with a lot more simplistic view of them than they really are IMO, because most of the posts are women and they are focusing on their pain and turmoil. We tend to forget that a lot of the MM are in fact dealing with their own private hell.

 

Thanks, BB, for answering my question. I respect your answer and think you brought up some very valid points here.

 

I believe the situation would be different in my MM's case, since my MM never would leave his wife if it were not for me. So if I had left him, I would just have relieved him of the burden of needing to make a decision.

[jennie-jennie]

Every A is different. The MM is different, the OW is different, the MM's BW is different, the MM's M is different, and the dynamic is different. So there's no One Size Fits All answer to any of that, but I suspect there are some general points that can be distilled out of the "success stories" on here:

 

* the MM was ready to leave. He'd detached sufficiently from the M - either before the A, or during it - and could see a future outside of it (with or without the OW - but, without the BW).

* the MM had made peace with "not having it all" - he knew there'd be compromises (eg, shared custody of kids, possibly a financial adjustment, losing his "home", etc) and was prepared to accept those as a fair price for what he'd be gaining. He was realistic about what leaving would involve.

* the MM was prepared to put in the work - to become healthy and whole and trustworthy, to himself as well as anyone else - and to make sure that the new R was not going to end up down the same route as the doomed M.

 

* the OW did not "settle" for scraps in the A - she demanded to be treated with respect, to not be second best, to not be left hanging around a telephone waiting on the MM. The OW demanded - and got - a FULL R with the MM - something that could set the tone for a healthy LTR post-A.

* the OW had a full, active life that did not centre around the MM. He was a part of it, but not the whole of it. She was not clingy or desperate or needy. She could - and did, in some cases - get along without him just fine.

* the OW was prepared to put in the work too - to build a healthy, trusting R with a MM who'd got a black mark against his name in another R

 

* the A was respectful. The MM did not treat the OW badly. He did not hide her, deny her, was not ashamed of her and did not squeeze her into dark corners of his life. He celebrated her, enjoyed her, kept his promises and was honest and open with her.

* the A - like any LTR - grew and deepened into love, and existed in dimensions other than fantasy. It was more than champagne and roses. The built memories, history, a shared culture and vocabulary of in-jokes, music, special places and dreams.

 

* there was social support - friends, family or others who saw that the A was a positive thing for them, and who supported them in it.

 

I'm not suggesting that all of these "conditions" need to be met for a "successful" out come, nor that all of them being met would necessarily deliver one for the OW and her MM, because obviously there is much more to any R than is reflected here on these boards. But these are just things I've picked up, from reading here.

 

Good summary, OWoman.

[BB07]

Thanks, BB, for answering my question. I respect your answer and think you brought up some very valid points here.

 

I believe the situation would be different in my MM's case, since my MM never would leave his wife if it were not for me. So if I had left him, I would just have relieved him of the burden of needing to make a decision.

 

 

There are no blanket answers or solutions and you know your MM best.

 

I think it takes a lot of guts to be the one who decides to leave a marriage and that's true regardless if there is someone else in the picture or not. Some are able to do it independently and then there are others who are not. In an ideal world we'd all be strong and smart enough to do the right thing, but unfortunately we aren't.

[Confused4Now]

Don't agree. Sounds the same to me... You might be out and about, but are you dating?

Why is dating so important? I tried it...did the Match.com and eHarmony and found it was a joke. So I'm content on living my life working on ME and my kids. If something comes it will come. I won't be out there looking for it.

[Confused4Now]

...OH PLEASE!!

 

That is VERY rare.

Actully I do agree with OWoman on this....The relationship for me evolved and yes in the beginning I was settling for scraps. I finally stood up for what I wanted and I will not be the hidden man anymore.

I won't allow to be disrespected. She knows this or I just don't see her...I have enough things going on in my life. It's no all about her anymore it's about ME.

[jennie-jennie]

Why is dating so important? I tried it...did the Match.com and eHarmony and found it was a joke. So I'm content on living my life working on ME and my kids. If something comes it will come. I won't be out there looking for it.

 

I totally agree with you.

 

My sister actually did find her husband through an internet dating site, but boy did she go through a lot of guys to find him. I guess that was fine with her since she never really had a dating period in her young years, but I have BTDT and am not interested in getting out on the dating scene again.

[jwi71]

Actully I do agree with OWoman on this....The relationship for me evolved and yes in the beginning I was settling for scraps. I finally stood up for what I wanted and I will not be the hidden man anymore.

I won't allow to be disrespected. She knows this or I just don't see her...I have enough things going on in my life. It's no all about her anymore it's about ME.

 

I find it hard to be in an A and NOT settle for less. So, how does one engage in an A and NOT "settle for less"?

[bittersweet memories]

Actully I do agree with OWoman on this....The relationship for me evolved and yes in the beginning I was settling for scraps. I finally stood up for what I wanted and I will not be the hidden man anymore.

I won't allow to be disrespected. She knows this or I just don't see her...I have enough things going on in my life. It's no all about her anymore it's about ME.

 

 

So are you telling me you got the following while you were in the relationship?

 

 

* the OW did not "settle" for scraps in the A - she demanded to be treated with respect, to not be second best, to not be left hanging around a telephone waiting on the MM. The OW demanded - and got - a FULL R with the MM - something that could set the tone for a healthy LTR post-A.

* the OW had a full, active life that did not centre around the MM. He was a part of it, but not the whole of it. She was not clingy or desperate or needy. She could - and did, in some cases - get along without him just fine.

* the OW was prepared to put in the work too - to build a healthy, trusting R with a MM who'd got a black mark against his name in another R

 

* the A was respectful. The MM did not treat the OW badly. He did not hide her, deny her, was not ashamed of her and did not squeeze her into dark corners of his life. He celebrated her, enjoyed her, kept his promises and was honest and open with her.

[Angel1111]

They may not leave but they'd probably like to.