Evidence shows the majority of MM's do NOT leave their wives for the OW.

[Catapult]

Life is not simple.....nor is deciding to get a divorce. Simplistic view of a complicated situation.

 

 

That's right, life and marriage are not simple, so why complicate them with an affair?

 

It's a lot simpler to resolve one relationship before starting another, don't you think?

[Lizzie60]

I totally agree with Angel... I bet the majority are 'dreaming' about their OW... they just don't leave because of the kids...

 

I said it before.. if they could just replace the W with the OW.. without changing anything else.. they would in a heartbeat..

[Lizzie60]

But they can replace the W with the OW...so why don't they?

 

 

It's completely dumb to think that this can be done overnight.. without thinking of the consequences... (kids)... not all MM are irresponsible..

[reboot]

People typically are where they want to be. If someone really wants to be unmarried, they would be.

 

What the typical MM likes is to have a wife and an OW. If they wanted to leave, they would.

 

For some reason lots of people on here just do not like to believe this. I believe, while it isn't always true, it most often is.

[Lizzie60]

But they can replace the W with the OW...so why don't they?

 

Also, you don't really believe that anyone stays married for the kids, do you? You can't be that naive.

 

 

and sometimes... like in my case... the OW does not want to replace the W..

[Lizzie60]

Has your MM left his wife and asked you to marry him?

 

 

OMG... you have no clue ... I never got married.. and never will... for one..I am against marriage... secondo.. I love my single life.. and variety...

[Confused4Now]

I find it hard to be in an A and NOT settle for less. So, how does one engage in an A and NOT "settle for less"?

For me when the affair started I was married. I was with my MW 2 years before I left my EX. Once I started my divorce process it was clear to me that my MW was not where I was in terms of leaving. During this time I found myself obsessing about getting her to move I made her my whole life. I got really unhealthy lost 45lbs and it made me into something who I wasn't. I went NC several times and I hit rock bottom almost lost my job and on and on.

 

So I was serious about making changes. I started focusing on ME. I didn't allow my MW to send me into a downward spiral. Started working out spending more time with my kids and even dated ugh...but the bottom line is I'm happy where I'm at. Yes I see my MW on occasion but I really have so much to do in my life and I'm not settling.......

[Lizzie60]

Well then why do you insist that your MM would like to replace his wife with you?

 

Seems like you're making a very large assumption there.

 

 

Because some have told me... plus I've heard that many times before... plus ask any MM on here (if they want to divulge their secret)...

[Lizzie60]

Oh Lizzie dear, just because a MM says something doesn't mean he really MEANS it! Didn't I just read about a MM who claimed he wanted his OW to have his baby, then when she turned up pregnant, asked her to abort?

 

Haven't you heard the saying, how do you know a MM is lying? His lips are moving...

 

good one..

 

Yes I know that it doesn't mean it's true.. but I tend to put myself in their shoes.. if I were them.. I would want my OW in bed with me instead of the W...but I would probably want the W for the kids.. the family..

 

but I still think that most MMs would like to replace their W if they could NOT change anything else..

[jennie-jennie]

Jeanie.....if you don't mind I'd like to ask you for some details about your affair. Of course you can decline to answer.

 

How long have you been seeing your MM?

 

Have you always been satisfied with the role that you have in his life?

 

Did you hope that he will eventually leave his wife and be with you?

 

We are on our fifth year.

 

No, I have not always been satisfied with the role I have. But I have never wanted out.

 

And I still hope for and want more, including hoping that he will divorce his wife and be with me.

 

Yet I am at peace with what I have today. There was a turning point for me last fall when my heart and mind finally agreed on how to look at my situation. I had found enough intellectual facts to understand what was going on in my MM's mind. This is what puzzled me for so long, how he could do what he was doing when he loved me so.

 

I think I needed to understand my world. When I had finally gotten enough information to do so, my heart and mind could make peace.

 

It is in my nature to be loyal and faithful to the man I love, even when times are difficult. I stay with them. I knew I would stay with MM for the long run once I understood that he was not leaving his wife.

 

I take responsibility for my choices. I do not regret staying with a man even when it does not turn out the way I want. I enjoy each day for what it is. The reason I am in a relationship is for what I get today, not for what I hope to get in the future.

[realworldexplorer]

MM rarely leave for OW, and they string them on to have it all. Most A's, if not all, only work as clandestine relationships. Quite possibly the BW could be a very honorable and hard working person who has sacrificed for her family and changed over the years (possibly not for the good) and has taken on a new unexciting role in the eyes of a needy and selfish man. He discounts her and wants to keep her in that role while fulfilling his needs elsewhere, a really awful act against someone who may have always put her family ahead of herself. The MM knows the truth of the basic character of the BW and the OW. He likes the fun and excitement of the OW, possibly what his wife once was before taking on the responsibility of family, husband and life. He knows sub consciously that to change everything and sacrifice many innocent people to have a person that knows all of this and is OK with it just doesn't fit well with his (limited) conscience. Also he realizes that the he will lose half of his empire that may have taken decades to build and may be larger than the love for OW that will assuredly fade. Men who leave for someone who is willing to inflict such long term harm on others definitely deserve the consequences that they recieve and usually their post M relationship implodes when they look into each others deceitful eyes in the midst of all the carnage and realize what a huge mistake they made with little chance of redemption for either.

 

The whole discussion of who, what, why in regard to AP, MM, BS etc. etc. is such a monumental waste of human energy and time and the splitting of hairs to build foundationless rationalizations is really human folly at its height.

 

Any one who is defending their right to have affairs with somebody elses avowed spouse is not playing with a full deck and the minimization of such an act is itself an act of desperate self preservation. There is a reason that these things don't work out very well and that is that they are very, very WRONG.

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks JJ, (I'll call you that now since others do )

 

I'm glad to hear that you are doing well with where you are at. I had to be a very difficult process to get to that point. I hope you don't ever have any regrets about it and feel someday that it was time wasted.

 

For me personally......I couldn't do it, even though I knew he would leave the marriage eventually. I remember trying to find some peace of mind about it and halfway at times convincing myself that I did. One week I was fine, then the next week I was not. It was too much of a roller coaster. He wasn't consistent either, sometimes I felt very close to him and then there were times when I felt him pulling away.

 

Looking back I'm even more sure of it now in that I did what was best for me and also him by walking away. I also learned that love is not the be all, end all.

 

Oh please call me Jennie, there is already a JJ here!

 

I think your case and mine show that there are different solutions for different people. I very much respect your decision and believe it was the right thing for you and your MM.

 

I do believe my age and my history plays in. I am 50. I have my house, I have my kids. I know that my relationship with my MM fulfills me so much more than the prior relationship I was in. And my MM is very consistent. He is always there for me. We have contact throughout the day pretty much every day of the week. He is always there when I need him. He really is a truly wonderful man.

 

I think I needed a man as consistent as him after my last relationship and other life experiences. I was pretty damaged when MM contacted me. Being with him has been like laying in a bed of cotton so my wounded body and soul could get healed. My ex would be so inconsistent, a real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. My MM is so the opposite of that.

[RedDevil66]

My BF's cousin was carrying on an affair with a girl he works with (how original) for 2 yrs.

He claimed to have loved her more that life and told my BF he was getting ready to leave his wife of 20 yrs for her.

This other women is also married and told her H of the affair and that she was leaving.

 

Well the H of the OW went to the home of my BF's cousin to tell the wife. They were away at the time so the cousin was forced to reveal the truth to his wife. He lied to his OW and had no plans on telling his W about his secret life.

 

My BF was 101% sure he now had his chance to leave. Well he told his wife about the A and then begged her to stay and they are now going to couples therapy.

 

MOST cheaters don't leave once the reality of their fantasy world comes crumbling down.

 

He now wants nothing to do with his OW.

 

Precious!

[jennie-jennie]

Any one who is defending their right to have affairs with somebody elses avowed spouse is not playing with a full deck and the minimization of such an act is itself an act of desperate self preservation. There is a reason that these things don't work out very well and that is that they are very, very WRONG.

 

I am as much a human being as is my MM's wife. I have as much a right to have a relationship with the person I love as does she. A marriage license means nada to me in that sense. They are an invention of man to keep us in place. Too bad it isn't working.

[pureinheart]

Every A is different. The MM is different, the OW is different, the MM's BW is different, the MM's M is different, and the dynamic is different. So there's no One Size Fits All answer to any of that, but I suspect there are some general points that can be distilled out of the "success stories" <snip>

 

I totally agree, and even though I have separate issues with exMM/Friend, still he was able to attain a better life and his ex did too, she got a really cool guy and is very happy, travels which is what her exH would never do with her.

 

So I would say this is a success story, and I will loose 20lbs and be on my merry way....

Edited February 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[realworldexplorer]

I am as much a human being as is my MM's wife. I have as much a right to have a relationship with the person I love as does she. A marriage license means nada to me in that sense. They are an invention of man to keep us in place. Too bad it isn't working.

 

 

In my opinion you are much less a human being than the MM's wife. You are stealing her life from her behind her back (the lowest form of deception). You have no right to any relationship with the wifes husband except for platonic friendship. A marriage license is just a symbol of a commitment that was made, and I agree that that would be meaningless to you, which may mean that your commitment to your MM and his to you is nada also?

 

I feel sorry for you that you are so lost, but the problem here is that you are willing to take innocent people with you and that is unforgiveable and unpardonable. You sound very insecure and damaged, possibly some IC and honest reflection may help you in the long run.

[OWoman]

So are you telling me you got the following while you were in the relationship?

 

 

* the OW did not "settle" for scraps in the A - she demanded to be treated with respect, to not be second best, to not be left hanging around a telephone waiting on the MM. The OW demanded - and got - a FULL R with the MM - something that could set the tone for a healthy LTR post-A.

* the OW had a full, active life that did not centre around the MM. He was a part of it, but not the whole of it. She was not clingy or desperate or needy. She could - and did, in some cases - get along without him just fine.

* the OW was prepared to put in the work too - to build a healthy, trusting R with a MM who'd got a black mark against his name in another R

 

* the A was respectful. The MM did not treat the OW badly. He did not hide her, deny her, was not ashamed of her and did not squeeze her into dark corners of his life. He celebrated her, enjoyed her, kept his promises and was honest and open with her.

 

I certainly did.

[bittersweet memories]

I totally agree with Angel... I bet the majority are 'dreaming' about their OW... they just don't leave because of the kids...

 

I said it before.. if they could just replace the W with the OW.. without changing anything else.. they would in a heartbeat..

 

 

and so the cycle begins..

[pureinheart]

Why is dating so important? I tried it...did the Match.com and eHarmony and found it was a joke. So I'm content on living my life working on ME and my kids. If something comes it will come. I won't be out there looking for it.

 

 

 

 

Ya hear you F that....lol...C4N eHarmony said I was compatible with noone and never got the courage to actually follow through with Match.com....I don't want to date, donot want to tell my whole life story all over again. I'd rather be alone....it's about my kids too...sometimes I feel hurt by them and when I get drunk late at night have been known to put myself up for adoption on FB and MS. I'm not much of a drinker though...omg drank one German beer the other night (it seems I only drink when I'm extremely stressed out) and it kicked my Bu**....one!!!!

 

People also try to set me up all of the time, and that is so sweet, although I can't deal with that now....am just too hypersensitive and self conscience about my recent past.

 

Actually, I am a good catch, with a decent income, although (and am not negating the first part of this statement), I have a lot to work out emotionally and some to work out on a physical level. It is not fair to put someone else (someone new especially) through my mess right now.

 

I feel like "on a first date" it would be important to tell the person the things that are messed up with me and that breaks all of the rules of dating! I just can't put out this picture that I am priddy much together and ready for a new R, when it is simply a lie....

 

Once again I hear ya C4N

Edited February 11, 2010 by pureinheart

[SuburbanOblivion]

Most MM are right where they want to be, married.

 

If they wanted to be divorced they'd get divorced, it's that simple.

 

BINGO! Nail on the head, give the lady a prize.

 

My relationship began with a 5-month long EA that turned into PA that hit D-Day within 24 hours of it getting physical.

 

We knew we loved each other and he said he wanted to be with me. I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I knew I'd be divorcing my ex no matter what happened.

 

Never, not once did I ever ask him to leave his wife. I knew if he wanted to be with me, he would be.

 

When D-Day hit he knew he had the choice of staying with his wife and trying to make it work, or standing by me.

 

His choice was to immediately book a plane ticket back to Ireland and file for divorce.

 

He did it because he loved me and truly wanted to be with me. I never had to push, whine, or even suggest anything.

[pureinheart]

I totally agree with Angel... I bet the majority are 'dreaming' about their OW... they just don't leave because of the kids...

 

I said it before.. if they could just replace the W with the OW.. without changing anything else.. they would in a heartbeat..

 

Ok ladies and gentlemen...just my own story and I don't believe exMM/Friend was lying....it is not meant to hurt or malign ladies and men who have been hurt by WS (for the record exH dreamed about his woman too and I was mad at first, but I wanted him to be happy and me too).

 

Hey Lizzie, exMM/friend said this to me many times...couldn't get me off his mind and now D'ed, he still can't. He didn't want to deal with the D, the possible hatred from his kids ect...your reply caught my attention because it was almost word for word what he said to me.

[jennie-jennie]

BINGO! Nail on the head, give the lady a prize.

 

My relationship began with a 5-month long EA that turned into PA that hit D-Day within 24 hours of it getting physical.

 

We knew we loved each other and he said he wanted to be with me. I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I knew I'd be divorcing my ex no matter what happened.

 

Never, not once did I ever ask him to leave his wife. I knew if he wanted to be with me, he would be.

 

When D-Day hit he knew he had the choice of staying with his wife and trying to make it work, or standing by me.

 

His choice was to immediately book a plane ticket back to Ireland and file for divorce.

 

He did it because he loved me and truly wanted to be with me. I never had to push, whine, or even suggest anything.

 

Looks like you had done the mental work of separating from your spouses before the affair. Exit affairs apparently. This is not the case for everyone.

[Lizzie60]

a few of my MMs told me the same thing..

 

My 'scout dad' has started to tell me lately that he loves me, that he thinks a lot about me.. yadayadayada... he never ever had this conversation before.. We've been seeing each other for over 5 years now.

 

We had this conversation last week.. again... and I told him... that although I love him very much.. I don't think he'd be happy with me.. His W is a SAHM.. he has 3 adorable boys.. that he adores.. they're building their dream home right now.. but I know he's not 'really' happy with her.. eventhough he says she's a great mom.. a good partner.. even sex is not bad .. he's just not 'in love' with her anymore..

 

I have another MM who told me at first that he was separated (not sure he ever was).. but I think he was just 'checking' me out.. that.. if there was a possibility with me.. he would have left her.. I see this one every single week.. I know he loves me very much.. although he never told me 'directly' that way..

 

I guess I'm addictive..

[jennie-jennie]

Wow. I cannot wrap my mind around this type of thinking. You honestly believe you have a "right" to have a relationship with someone who made vows and is married to someone else?

 

No one forced the MM to marry his wife, did they? There is a thing called free will.

 

I don't know what to say. I find this attitude shocking.

 

Let's say you found an apartment you really, really loved, but someone else was renting it. Do you think you have the "right" to move into that apartment just because you love it as much as the current occupant?

 

Or what if you wanted a certain position at work but it was already taken by someone else. Do you think you have the right to take that position away from the person who has it simply because you really, really would love to have that job?

 

If you're going to live in society you have to follow certain guidelines. People just can't do what they want and take what they wish because they want it really, really badly. That is selfishness to the extreme.

 

These issues are not comparable.

 

It would be possible to take legal action against me if I moved into an appartment without a lease. I would get evicted.

 

I could work as much as I cared for, but I certainly would not get paid if I did not hold that position.

 

On the other hand, if the MM wants to have a relationship with me even though he is married, there is nothing that stops us now, is there? He is willingly agreeing to have a relationship with me. He has a will of his own, which neither the job nor the apartment does.

 

The guideline I follow is love. He loves me, I love him, we have a relationship. Our love gives me the right to have a relationship with him.

 

The world is large. There are plenty of ways to look at life which may or may not coincide with yours.

[Lizzie60]

What you just wrote is what ALL MM say to their OW.

 

Right up until they throw them under the bus come d-day.

 

to be honest.. I couldn,t care less... if they get caught.. they might throw me under the bus.. who cares.. I honestly don't mind.. cause I don,t want them in my life.. but I can assure you .. they would be back once the dust has settled..