Evidence shows the majority of MM's do NOT leave their wives for the OW.

[jennie-jennie]

So this is what your MM is doing? The "mental work" of separating from his wife while he has a sexual relationship with you?

 

Has he given you a timeline for when his work will be finished?

 

May be so. And the sex is really good just so you know, even though it is just ONE part of our all-encompassing relationship. Who needs a timeline when you are enjoying yourself?

[jennie-jennie]

What's your story by the way? I don't believe I have heard a word about your life. I have only seen you act as a guardian of morality as you perceive it.

[SerenityX2]

Wow. I cannot wrap my mind around this type of thinking. You honestly believe you have a "right" to have a relationship with someone who made vows and is married to someone else?

 

No one forced the MM to marry his wife, did they? There is a thing called free will.

 

I don't know what to say. I find this attitude shocking.

 

Let's say you found an apartment you really, really loved, but someone else was renting it. Do you think you have the "right" to move into that apartment just because you love it as much as the current occupant?

 

Or what if you wanted a certain position at work but it was already taken by someone else. Do you think you have the right to take that position away from the person who has it simply because you really, really would love to have that job?

 

If you're going to live in society you have to follow certain guidelines. People just can't do what they want and take what they wish because they want it really, really badly. That is selfishness to the extreme.

 

Ah, you're making too damn much sense! You'll never change this sort of mindset and that's exactly what kind it takes to be involved in these heartaches. Disturbing and sad as it is, I think it's good to know that there are people in this world like this and how they operate. I see a clear theme among most of them which explains much. Knowledge is power.

[jennie-jennie]

I said it before.. if they could just replace the W with the OW.. without changing anything else.. they would in a heartbeat..

 

This is so true, Lizzie. I know my MM for one regrets that he did not try to contact me in the years before he married his wife. We were once highschool sweethearts, remember.

 

If he could just swop her out without hurting her or anybody else, he would do it in an instance, leaving everything else intact.

[pureinheart]

...OH PLEASE!!

 

That is VERY rare.

For entire conversation concerning BSM's quote, please see post #18.

Hi BSM

I am still putting all of the pieces together, as there were lies on all sides and such, although exMM/friend spent all of the time he could with me, he held me in high regard at that time (I think he still does, although is just angry with many things, little of which has to do with me as much is being pulled out concerning his past prior to me).

 

I am trying to understand what happened for my healing, areas in which I went wrong, things I could have done better, you know...taking a self inventory.

 

I found out later and I'm sure will find out more, although his W knew about me, he may have used me to tell her that ya there is someone else that does love him and wants to be with him ect...I am sure he used this as a manipulation tactic...only God knows. A possible "leverage" type deal as they had a very manipulative R.

 

You know, now that they are not together , ALL of the garbage has stopped...THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER CIVIL MANOR!!!!! I "screamed " that last comment because it makes me happy.

 

Ok back to my point....he treated me very well and was extremely generous, although when I could be seen as the W (after his D and during the separation), that is when things went down hill...this is what I am exploring and only time will tell. There are many possible reasons for this.

 

I know on LS I've gone back and forth, and it is because I am confused. One possibility is a fear of committment (I know this sounds strange as he was M for over 29 yrs...although he acted "single"). I have know of many cases in both men and women...hey maybe this would be a good thread....

[jennie-jennie]

Do you have something against morality? It seems to make you uncomfortable.

 

You misinterpreted my post. I said "morality as you perceive it". I also hold morals, they are just not the same as yours.

 

And your story? It is common decency to introduce yourself when you join a group.

[D-Lish]

In my situation, my exH did end up marrying the OW and having 3 children with her.

 

When I found out about the affair and her pregnancy, I refused to work things out with him- despite the begging and pleading. It was the pregnant other woman that actually called me to tell me about the affair and the situation- I am quite sure she knew that I'd leave once I knew.

 

I would have left him regardless of whether or not she was pregnant- but the pregnancy certainly made my decision easier. I got our house on the market immediately and got out as fast as I could.

 

He still communicates to me (3 kids later) that he misses me and wishes things could have been different. As for me, I have forgiven him- and her as well. I actually ran into them a couple years ago- met his son, was cordial to her. It was pretty shocking actually, running into them in a mall. I only thank my lucky stars that I was having a good hair and outfit day- while she was covered in baby barf, 8 months pregnant with their second, and wearing an oversized track suit. I still ran out of there and bawled my eyes out afterward:o It was sort of traumatizing - even though it had been almost 5 years.

 

I think he is happy now. I know at first he claimed it was a union of convenience- but I think he has grown to love her, and he's a proud dad.

[jennie-jennie]

cCall me an amateur sociologist and student of human nature.

 

OK, in other words you are here just to push your own opinions and will not share any of your personal life experience. This is a forum for support of OW, so perhaps you should not be so surprised to find that many of us here think it is alright to be in a relationship with a MM.

[bittersweet memories]

BINGO! Nail on the head, give the lady a prize.

 

My relationship began with a 5-month long EA that turned into PA that hit D-Day within 24 hours of it getting physical.

 

We knew we loved each other and he said he wanted to be with me. I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I knew I'd be divorcing my ex no matter what happened.

 

Never, not once did I ever ask him to leave his wife. I knew if he wanted to be with me, he would be.

 

When D-Day hit he knew he had the choice of staying with his wife and trying to make it work, or standing by me.

 

His choice was to immediately book a plane ticket back to Ireland and file for divorce.

 

He did it because he loved me and truly wanted to be with me. I never had to push, whine, or even suggest anything.

 

 

Just curious...Are you married to him now??

[pureinheart]

This is so true, Lizzie. I know my MM for one regrets that he did not try to contact me in the years before he married his wife. We were once highschool sweethearts, remember.

 

If he could just swop her out without hurting her or anybody else, he would do it in an instance, leaving everything else intact.

 

Wow....When exMM/friend and I started talking about the people we knew in HS and knew all of the same people, I brought a picture of me in HS...lol...he said I would have been on you like white on rice ...that is when it happened, that is the very moment I "knew". He didn't recognize me and I didnot recognize him, BUT, there was that connection right then and there....that connection to the past that I so desparately needed to deal with my future...

 

I know many people (mainly in the church) say to forget about your past, but I like my past, I NEED to connect with my past....my past is important to me...no I don't want to trip and dwell and use my past to destroy my future like most say will happen....

 

Jennie....my past defines me, it is who I was, who I am and who I will be...the familiararity of who "knew" me makes me feel safe.

 

ExMM/Friend caused me to feel safe, I still feel safe to a degree with him, lest I would not talk to him at all.

 

I inherited the place in which I spent my teen years and found a beer bottle stuffed in the bushes ( know that was me...lol), let's just say that not much gardening went on for about 30 yrs....

 

I so much want to connect with who I was back then...strong, rebellious (both with and without a cause)....lol total anti establishment...have toned that down, just make the "establishment" work for me...exMM/friend helps me greatly with this BECAUSE we astranged ...lol HS unknown at the time sweethearts....

 

He said many times he wished he would have met me back then, although likes the kids he has...(well, sometimes likes them...lol)

 

It'll be nice to get to know him without all of the anger.

"

Edited February 11, 2010 by pureinheart

[bittersweet memories]

 

We had this conversation last week.. again... and I told him... that although I love him very much.. I don't think he'd be happy with me.. His W is a SAHM.. he has 3 adorable boys.. that he adores.. they're building their dream home right now.. but I know he's not 'really' happy with her.. eventhough he says she's a great mom.. a good partner.. even sex is not bad .. he's just not 'in love' with her anymore..

 

I have another MM who told me at first that he was separated (not sure he ever was).. but I think he was just 'checking' me out.. that.. if there was a possibility with me.. he would have left her.. I see this one every single week.. I know he loves me very much.. although he never told me 'directly' that way..

 

I guess I'm addictive..

 

Of course thats what he's going to tell you...silly

 

You should know better than that, from all that experience you have..they are full of s h i t..

[realworldexplorer]

Perhaps you need to read the title again of this thread.

 

No one is disputing that most MM don't leave for the OW. I think we all agree on that fact.

Your one size generalization of the MM, OW and BS is quite silly. Where did you get that from, did you actually write it or did you copy it from somewhere else?

 

 

Oh and I got a good laugh at your statement "The whole discussion of who, what, why in regard to AP, MM, BS etc. etc. is such a monumental waste of human energy and time and the splitting of hairs to build foundationless rationalizations is really human folly at its height."

 

Obviously your opinion above that you either wrote or copied from somewhere else on the issues should be regarded also as a waste of time, right?

 

I am not sure how you interpreted this statement. The one size generalization? Pretty much all of these things do follow a similar pattern, and can be generalized and the results are pretty much predictable for most cases. And did I copy some statement? Yes, its right from chapter 7 of OW handbook....

 

Referring to the "monumental waste of energy" . I am wasting years of my life trying to recover from my wifes infidelity that had very little to do with me. That is why I come here to try and find meaning for her behaviour. I would not be here otherwise. I am compelled to seek answers from something that has no answer and is based on irrational and selfish behaviour. I am lookin for a glimmer of meaning that will allow me to exonerate her. Can't find it in any of the remarks or attitudes of OW who post here. The deal is that as a result of my wifes affair I end up hurt and will lose a good chunk of my self for absolutely no real reason. That sucks big time, but that is life. I am learning a lot about human nature and it is interesting but it is not enriching my life at all, on the contrary it has diminished my life. And by seeing the brokeness of the cheating, heartless people who post here I understand a little more each day. It really is a waste of time though.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie,

 

Please, please, PLEASE don't take this as a slam, because it isn't, it is a sincere question.

 

Are you in therapy? Have you considered it?

 

Nope.. I'm not in therapy.. and I'm not considering it.. because I don't think there is anything wrong with having many lovers.. married or single...

 

I am single... therefore free like a bird..

 

what's wrong with having fun in life.. I've been in relationships most of my life.. so at my age.. (57) I think I deserve some pleasures... and no string sex is one of those pleasure of life..

[jennie-jennie]

From what I've read here I don't get that impression at all.

 

From what I've seen, it appears that most of the OW here don't think it's alright to be in a relationship with a MM.

 

Isn't that why they need support? To deal with the guilt and lack of self-respect involved in being "the OW".

 

I have to say, you're one of the very few OW I've come across who seems proud of her status. That's unusual.

 

Well, if that is the case, my work here is even more important. Shame and guilt never helped anybody.

 

Correction: I am not proud of being the OW, I am indifferent about it. I am however proud of my relationship with such a wonderful man.

[D-Lish]

And how are you doing? Do you think you're in a better place?

 

I hope so.

 

I won't lie and say I didn't leave that relationship scarred for life. You can't have something like that happen to you and not be affected by it. It's left me with serious trust issues - that even 8 years later I can't quite overcome.

 

It has been 8 years now- and I have only had one semi-serious relationship since then (lasted a year), and it wasn't a healthy one. I've certainly dated a lot- but I have major problems getting past that 3 month mark.

 

I don't still love my ex husband- but I can't forget how that pain felt when he did what he did. I always equate falling for someone with what is sure to be the impending pain of loss.

 

When your partner has an affair, it strips you of your vitality.

I want to find love again, but I don't know if I'll ever be truly strong enough to let my guard down again. When I feel myself getting close to someone, I'm just reminded of the fact that I am handing over power to them to cause me pain.

[realworldexplorer]

Nope.. I'm not in therapy.. and I'm not considering it.. because I don't think there is anything wrong with having many lovers.. married or single...

 

I am single... therefore free like a bird..

 

what's wrong with having fun in life.. I've been in relationships most of my life.. so at my age.. (57) I think I deserve some pleasures... and no string sex is one of those pleasure of life..

 

 

Yes, but if you don't use strings, you could lose some items.

[bittersweet memories]

From what I've read here I don't get that impression at all.

 

From what I've seen, it appears that most of the OW here don't think it's alright to be in a relationship with a MM.

 

Isn't that why they need support? To deal with the guilt and lack of self-respect involved in being "the OW".

 

I have to say, you're one of the very few OW I've come across who seems proud of her status. That's unusual.

 

I just want to say Thank You...your posts make so much sense and its appreciated by many of us.

[Lizzie60]

I didn't say there was anything wrong with having many lovers, there isn't, especially at your age.

 

However, there is something wrong with the fact that they're all married (are they?), and I don't think I'm alone in that opinion.

 

Most are.. but not all... I do however prefer my MMs.. they are much better lovers than my single guys.. (single also include separated/divorced).

[D-Lish]

Why do people have to hurt each other like this? Sad.

 

Well thanks C, I appreciate your support:)

 

I know, in my situation, the OW didn't set out to do me harm directly. I blame my H- as he was 100% responsible for making the choice he did. He could have said no.

 

I don't enjoy hearing OW justify affairs as it hits close to home for me, but ultimately, it's the married individual that is responsible for the choices they make that affect their spouse.

[BB07]

I am not sure how you interpreted this statement. The one size generalization? Pretty much all of these things do follow a similar pattern, and can be generalized and the results are pretty much predictable for most cases. And did I copy some statement? Yes, its right from chapter 7 of OW handbook....

 

Referring to the "monumental waste of energy" . I am wasting years of my life trying to recover from my wifes infidelity that had very little to do with me. That is why I come here to try and find meaning for her behaviour. I would not be here otherwise. I am compelled to seek answers from something that has no answer and is based on irrational and selfish behaviour. I am lookin for a glimmer of meaning that will allow me to exonerate her. Can't find it in any of the remarks or attitudes of OW who post here. The deal is that as a result of my wifes affair I end up hurt and will lose a good chunk of my self for absolutely no real reason. That sucks big time, but that is life. I am learning a lot about human nature and it is interesting but it is not enriching my life at all, on the contrary it has diminished my life. And by seeing the brokeness of the cheating, heartless people who post here I understand a little more each day. It really is a waste of time though.

 

 

I'm sorry that you were hurt and I'm sorry that you've had to deal with heartbreak. I doubt you will ever find a good reason for your wife doing what she did nor will you be able to exonerate her. It just doesn't work that way.

 

I disagree with you in your statement about broken, cheating, heartless people who post here or at least the part about heartless. Again that is a swooping generalization which does not fit every situation or every affair.

 

I do wish you well and hope you find some peace of mind and that your heart will heal and you'll find your way back to a better place.

[White Flower]

Well thanks C, I appreciate your support:)

 

I know, in my situation, the OW didn't set out to do me harm directly. I blame my H- as he was 100% responsible for making the choice he did. He could have said no.

 

I don't enjoy hearing OW justify affairs as it hits close to home for me, but ultimately, it's the married individual that is responsible for the choices they make that affect their spouse.

Too bad all BS couldn't see the rationale as you do. At least you knew where to place blame.

 

Hope you're doing well D-Lish.

[D-Lish]

Too bad all BS couldn't see the rationale as you do. At least you knew where to place blame.

 

Hope you're doing well D-Lish.

 

Thanks WF- I have to admit that I focused on her initially, and I wanted to drive to Ohio and do her harm, lol - that was an emotional reaction though. But when it came down to it- he was the one with the investment- he was the one that owed me respect and loyalty. I was a stranger to the OW, so she didn't owe me anything when my H made himself available to her.

 

I am doing well- how are things with you? We haven't crossed posts in a while!

[jennie-jennie]

Too bad all BS couldn't see the rationale as you do. At least you knew where to place blame.

 

Hope you're doing well D-Lish.

 

I second that. I was thinking of posting exactly what you did, D-Lish, but did not because I was afraid it would hurt you.

 

I wish you all the best. I hope you will heal, so you can find love and a fulfilling relationship.

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks WF- I have to admit that I focused on her initially, and I wanted to drive to Ohio and do her harm, lol - that was an emotional reaction though. But when it came down to it- he was the one with the investment- he was the one that owed me respect and loyalty. I was a stranger to the OW, so she didn't owe me anything when my H made himself available to her.

 

Awesome with a BS with such insight!

[White Flower]

Thanks WF- I have to admit that I focused on her initially, and I wanted to drive to Ohio and do her harm, lol - that was an emotional reaction though. But when it came down to it- he was the one with the investment- he was the one that owed me respect and loyalty. I was a stranger to the OW, so she didn't owe me anything when my H made himself available to her.

 

I am doing well- how are things with you? We haven't crossed posts in a while!

No, we haven't crossed paths in quite a while.. I'm fine, post D-day #2 but things are looking good. MM is in counseling (yay!) and I'm in a very good place.