would you be upset

[parksidegirl]

I saw an email to my husband from a woman he has known for many years that started with "I have been thinking about you lately....." then went on to invite him to lunch. Now I would never ever start an email with a married male friend like that nor do I know why any woman would. I don't like this -- I don't like this at all. I feel she is being disrespectful to me and our family. My husband disagrees.

 

A little history...

my husband (who has many females he knows through work) has been friends with this woman (Lori) for years. He always seemed to talk about her to me and then one day I asked him about her (because he hadn't mentioned her lately) and her husband (who had been very sick) he was vague about things and then said "well, they have been separted for a year now and are getting a divorce". Then he said he didn't tell me because he "knew I would make a big deal out of it". UMMMM What??? In the 10 or more years he has been professional friends with this woman, I have never even thought of being jealous. Nor have i been jealous of the many other woman he goes to lunch with. But I think I am now, of this woman. I think the fact that he never told me about her divorce changed things.

 

So a few months back, at Christmas, he went out to dinner with her and a few other people, all men. This small group does this every year. The next day I saw emails going back and forth between ALL of them. H started it by saying "i look forward to this every year.....love you guys" she writes back all this stuff about how "blessed she is to have great people like this in her life" which is all true and innocent but in light of things, it bothers me.

 

Now she seems to ask my husband to every professional event (as a guest of her company) they do lunch much more often. I honestly do no think my H is interested in a romantic relationship with her but I just feel so disrespected.

So the other day when i saw the email that said " ..thinking of you...." I was annoyed to say the least. It is far too familiar an email.

 

H says its just a professional relationship and that he can "take care of himself" i told him I though maybe she wants something else.

 

so....am I a kook or would you all feel disrespected.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

From your side of the story, it seems obvious she has an emotional attachement to him and could quite possible want more than a professional relationship.

 

What I find odd is that you husband is not willing to step up and do the things it takes to reassure you that absolutely nothing has or will ever be more than business with her...

 

Perhaps he is aware of her feelings and does not want to take a stand only becuase of the strain on the business side of the relationship with her.

[parksidegirl]

What I find odd is that you husband is not willing to step up and do the things it takes to reassure you that absolutely nothing has or will ever be more than business with her...

Perhaps he is aware of her feelings and does not want to take a stand only becuase of the strain on the business side of the relationship with her.

 

 

he has actually said to me "if you don't want me to go, I wont". Which I hate because that puts me in the blame seat. He should do the right thing. I think its weak to make me TELL him what to do.

[Snowflower]

Hi parkside, it appears you are a new poster, welcome to LS!

 

It's difficult to tell from your post what is actually going on, but the cynic in me says that there are a lot of red flags in your situation. Sure, she could just be a good work friend of your husband's but the line between platonic friendship and an the beginnings of an EMA (extra marital affair) is very thin and blurry.

 

The fact that this whole situation is bothering you is key here. Do not ignore your instincts if you feel something is wrong. I wish I had seen the warning signs beforehand but I had few in my situation--my husband cheated with a co-worker he considered 'just a friend.' I didn't have the clues and the red flags that you seem to have.

 

Like you mentioned in your post, my H also had a lot of female friends at work and all of them (all but his OW) were just friends. But the the fact that your husband says she is just a friend and he has known her for all these years, wow, that just sends off warning bells to me.

 

I hate to generalize but men often don't recognize the signs of an impending affair until it is too late.

 

There is a book, 'Not Just Friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass, that explains the differences between a platonic friendship between a married man and another woman and an affair. I have never read it because like I said, I didn't know about my husband's inappropriate friendship until the affair occurred. You seem to have some 'warning.' Please don't hesitate and follow your instincts.

 

I have heard that this book is very good and has been highly recommended to people in your situation. Maybe your husband would read it, too. If this friendship is simply platonic then you are simply armed with some information. Knowledge is power. If the relationship between your husband and co-worker is turning into something else, this book will help you recognize the warning signs and help you with what to do.

 

Go get that book today. Check your library perhaps or go to the bookstore but get that book and read it now.

 

Good luck!

[Snowflower]

What I find odd is that you husband is not willing to step up and do the things it takes to reassure you that absolutely nothing has or will ever be more than business with her...

Perhaps he is aware of her feelings and does not want to take a stand only becuase of the strain on the business side of the relationship with her.

 

 

he has actually said to me "if you don't want me to go, I wont". Which I hate because that puts me in the blame seat. He should do the right thing. I think its weak to make me TELL him what to do.

 

I would tell him not to go and why you are uncomfortable with it. Be calm and rational, don't accuse or blame but just say that this situation with his co-worker is bothering you and really try talk to him.

 

Hopefully, your husband is also uncomfortable with the situation and is asking for your help (by saying he won't go if you don't want him to). Maybe he realizes the lines of friendship with this co-worker have become a bit blurry and he doesn't know how to proceed. Like you said, he knows he has to maintain a business relationship with this woman.

 

I'm not sure he is weak by making you tell him what to do...try to use this to the advantage of your marriage and work together.

[freestyle]

Not Just Friends is a must-read. It would definitely shed light on your situation, and perhaps help you to articulate your feelings to your H .

 

I've been in a very similar situation to yours, and I wish I'd read the book before I reacted the way I did. I would have handled things much better .

[Ronni_W]

he has actually said to me "if you don't want me to go, I wont". Which I hate because that puts me in the blame seat. He should do the right thing. I think its weak to make me TELL him what to do.

Well...it's not weak to express your own wants, needs, concerns and fears but there's also the chance that he wants to stay the "good guy' and be able to say, "My wife said" -- and you're wise not to get trapped into that.

 

So, turn it around on him. Next time he pulls that one, respond with something like, "You're a big boy. I can't tell you what to do and what not to do, and I'm not gonna. But these are my thoughts, feelings and concerns: <list, list, list.> Now, my husband, how do you propose we, as a couple, resolve this matter?"

 

If you need to, write your thoughts, feelings and concerns out ahead of time. (Including that you don't want to be made out to be a controlling, jealous or shrew of a wife -- you want and expect to be portrayed accurately at all times, and with your due dignity and respect.) You could also give some thought to different ways it may be resolved -- your ideal solution and your compromises.

 

Even if she does not have any romantic leanings towards your husband, she ought to go and find herself an unattached gentleman who can accompany her to all her events that she'd feel safe / more comfortable having an escort. IMO.

 

He can put it to her that he's been doing his best to support her but it's time for her to start moving forward as a single person -- he's bowing out so that she can start to become more socially independent, blah, blah, blah, as well as because he has his own personal and marital obligations and responsibilities to take care of...he's sure she understands, blah, blah, blah.

Give him love and encouragement, and let him know that you have trust and confidence in him that he can do it kindly, gently and sensitively.

[2sunny]

I saw an email to my husband from a woman he has known for many years that started with "I have been thinking about you lately....." then went on to invite him to lunch. Now I would never ever start an email with a married male friend like that nor do I know why any woman would. I don't like this -- I don't like this at all. I feel she is being disrespectful to me and our family. My husband disagrees.

 

A little history...

my husband (who has many females he knows through work) has been friends with this woman (Lori) for years. He always seemed to talk about her to me and then one day I asked him about her (because he hadn't mentioned her lately) and her husband (who had been very sick) he was vague about things and then said "well, they have been separted for a year now and are getting a divorce". Then he said he didn't tell me because he "knew I would make a big deal out of it". UMMMM What??? In the 10 or more years he has been professional friends with this woman, I have never even thought of being jealous. Nor have i been jealous of the many other woman he goes to lunch with. But I think I am now, of this woman. I think the fact that he never told me about her divorce changed things.

 

Now she seems to ask my husband to every professional event (as a guest of her company) they do lunch much more often. I honestly do no think my H is interested in a romantic relationship with her but I just feel so disrespected.

So the other day when i saw the email that said " ..thinking of you...." I was annoyed to say the least. It is far too familiar an email.

 

H says its just a professional relationship and that he can "take care of himself" i told him I though maybe she wants something else.

 

so....am I a kook or would you all feel disrespected.

 

 

he has actually said to me "if you don't want me to go, I wont". Which I hate because that puts me in the blame seat. He should do the right thing. I think its weak to make me TELL him what to do.

 

the fact that he suddenly started to hide information to you about her is a critical turn... i'd be willing to bet money that is when their A escalated.

 

yes -he's involved with her on at least an emotional level - but i bet more. when there's nothing to hide - they hide nothing.

 

i'd tell him up front stop going out with her at all... in fact, call him now and have him invite her over for dinner tonight... you can see for yourself f they may have something going on. if he won't ask her or if she won't come - that's an even bigger red flag.

 

if he won't stop - ask him if you can have all the male friends you want including the ones who wine and dine you and send you love notes to stroke your ego too.

 

fair is fair!

Edited February 11, 2010 by 2sunny

[parksidegirl]

Even if she does not have any romantic leanings towards your husband, she ought to go and find herself an unattached gentleman who can accompany her to all her events that she'd feel safe / more comfortable having an escort. IMO.

 

He can put it to her that he's been doing his best to support her but it's time for her to start moving forward as a single person -- he's bowing out so that she can start to become more socially independent, blah, blah, blah, as well as because he has his own personal and marital obligations and responsibilities to take care of...he's sure she understands, blah, blah, blah.

Give him love and encouragement, and let him know that you have trust and confidence in him that he can do it kindly, gently and sensitively.

 

She invites him to be a guest of her company. they usually have tables of 10 -20 depending upon the event. It's not like he is her personal escort. THAT I WOULD PUT MY FOOT DOWN ABOUT. She invites various clients but it seems she ALWAYS has my husband invited. And now she seems to invite him to lunch (just the 2 of them) more than before. And he never tells me about them. I just happen to find out or I directly ask him. Because I often make his lunch for him when he doesn't have luncheons set up so I ask him who is going out with when he does have them.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Until your last post I thought it was slightly innappropriate with her being single and him not and you not being invited, but the sudden lunches alone that he doesn't tell you about?

 

BIG red flag. Sparkling, neon red flag in fact.

[2sunny]

She invites him to be a guest of her company. they usually have tables of 10 -20 depending upon the event. It's not like he is her personal escort. THAT I WOULD PUT MY FOOT DOWN ABOUT. She invites various clients but it seems she ALWAYS has my husband invited. And now she seems to invite him to lunch (just the 2 of them) more than before. And he never tells me about them. I just happen to find out or I directly ask him. Because I often make his lunch for him when he doesn't have luncheons set up so I ask him who is going out with when he does have them.

 

why not put your foot down about all of it... i highly doubt he would want you having alone time with a man and personal, intimate emails passed back and forth. i'd definitely put my foot down and let's see if he's willing to give up their so called friendship for your marriage. why wouldn't HE tell her no? hmmmm, i think we know why, so now YOU need to set the boundary and tell him no more!

 

have you checked his cell phone/text records, all email accounts and correspondence between them? how often and what length of time does he spend corresponding with her?

 

i think you need to start checking - and checking thoroughly

[D-Lish]

I don't think you should ignore your radar, you should listen to your instincts.

[crazyjd]

Been there, done that... but I was the husband. I had a female friend, my wife knew her, put my cell # in her phone. My wife questioned it. I ignored my wife and told her that she put way too much into it... Boy, was I wrong. I ended up having an affair with this OW..... My marriage may never be the same. My wife and I are working through it though... Tell him to pay attention to you. Tell him another man is telling him to pay attention to you. It probably makes him feel good that another worman "may" find him attractive or interesting but believe me, this will only lead to disaster... Tell him to run, run as fast as he can. Call the woman yourself if you need to. Take it from someone that knows, first hand, this is a bad thing. Stop it now before it is too late. God Bless

[parksidegirl]

ok so i found out that he had lunch again with her today and i gave him several opportunities to tell me about it which he did not. if fact he told me that he needed me to make him a lunch today. but i know he has it in his schedule to have lunch with her today. it was on his blackberry. (yes I snooped)

i know you'll all think i'm kooky BUT I honeslty don't think they are carrying on an affair. i think he is lying to me because he knows the relationship upsets me. but my thing is......if it upsets me then he shouldnt do it.

he still shouldn't lie.

so while he was at lunch I harrassed him with text messages. he ignored them.

boob

[ladydesigner]

ok so i found out that he had lunch again with her today and i gave him several opportunities to tell me about it which he did not. if fact he told me that he needed me to make him a lunch today. but i know he has it in his schedule to have lunch with her today. it was on his blackberry. (yes I snooped)

i know you'll all think i'm kooky BUT I honeslty don't think they are carrying on an affair. i think he is lying to me because he knows the relationship upsets me. but my thing is......if it upsets me then he shouldnt do it.

he still shouldn't lie.

so while he was at lunch I harrassed him with text messages. he ignored them.

boob

 

It sounds to me like they are having an EA maybe even a PA. Of course your H does not tell you anything that alone should be your red flag and he ignored your text. I'm sorry you are going through this. I bet if you started looking for more you would find them just like you did on his phone. Something sounds very wrong in this situation.

[Green]

parkside girl you are a kook, but you may be right. Look if there is no good reason for him having private lunchs with this woman then feel free to tell him "no more private lunchs."

 

If he makes a real big deal about having the private lunchs, or just refuses to stop... or has them any ways secretly then you know this is a man who doesn't care.

 

How the heck would he feel if you were doing emails and private lunchs with some single man? If he had balls he would demand all lunchs and emails end!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

He is up to no good... even if it's totally platonic in his eyes, she sees it as more for sure.

 

Time for a wake up call. Accept nothing other than complete transparency at this point... he is not trustworthy. He should never, ever have hid this from you.

 

I think that there is a possibility it's nothing to worry about. But the fact he hid it from you is a bigger deal to me.

 

The best way to ask him about this is to put the shoe on the other foot. Like Green said about, how would he like it if you were regularly having lunch with a single male friend? It's totally platonic of course...

[Mr. Lucky]

i think he is lying to me because he knows the relationship upsets me. but my thing is......if it upsets me then he shouldnt do it.

he still shouldn't lie.

so while he was at lunch I harrassed him with text messages. he ignored them.

boob

People lie to protect something important to them. If you still think that what he's trying to protect at this point is your feelings, spend a little more time here at Loveshack and read similar stories ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Luv2dance]

I agree that there is something wrong here even if it is just the keeping things from you. I try not to assume the PA, but I would bet on the EA and possibly her wanting more. Sounds like you have access to his email and blackberry so use the tools you have. I would definitely have a conversation about your feelings!

 

MH and I both have good opposite sex friends at work who we will go to lunch with, BUT we also all go out together and don't do it behind the others back.

[dazzle22]

His "neglecting" to mention the little detail of her divorce is a huge red flag. She is gunning for him. No doubt about it. Always amazes me how some men act so helpless in such situations, "I'll stop if you want me to, blah, blah" - NO he should stop because what she is doing is inappropriate.

 

(I'd personally meet her in a dark alley with no witnesses and let her know in great detail how I was planning to rearrange her knee caps if she didn't move her cheating alley cat butt elsewhere, but that's just me! Not suggesting you should do this.)

[2sunny]

ok so i found out that he had lunch again with her today and i gave him several opportunities to tell me about it which he did not. if fact he told me that he needed me to make him a lunch today. but i know he has it in his schedule to have lunch with her today. it was on his blackberry. (yes I snooped)

i know you'll all think i'm kooky BUT I honeslty don't think they are carrying on an affair. i think he is lying to me because he knows the relationship upsets me. but my thing is......if it upsets me then he shouldnt do it.

he still shouldn't lie.

so while he was at lunch I harrassed him with text messages. he ignored them.

boob

 

i would have followed him. texting? and he's not answering? think about it...

 

just tell him you are on to him and ask him to move out now. he's playing you for a fool and you are just standing there going along with this.

 

and he gets away with this nonsense because YOU allow it. speak up! throw him out and see how much he becomes willing to make your M a priority... that will tell you what you need to know... his actions will tell everything.

[Karensu]

A remotely attractive woman showing interest in your man, is a warning sign. I think a lot of married men won't seek out other women but if the other woman comes on to him, that's a different story. I would be worried and annoyed.

[Cinnamon2000]

ok so i found out that he had lunch again with her today and i gave him several opportunities to tell me about it which he did not. if fact he told me that he needed me to make him a lunch today. but i know he has it in his schedule to have lunch with her today. it was on his blackberry. (yes I snooped)

i know you'll all think i'm kooky BUT I honeslty don't think they are carrying on an affair. i think he is lying to me because he knows the relationship upsets me. but my thing is......if it upsets me then he shouldnt do it.

he still shouldn't lie.

so while he was at lunch I harrassed him with text messages. he ignored them.

boob

 

I would not be surprised if after lunch, they ended up at her place or a local motel. If he likes her enough to have one on one lunch with her and like her enough to spend hours and hours of alone time with her and if she offers him certain "services" for free, do you think he would say no? If so, do you think he will say no and no again and again? Is it possible that he got curious and say yes one time and then start liking it?

 

Think about it. You need to hire a private investigator to follow them and take pictures of them to see what they do at this "lunch" or after this lunch. I won't be surpsied at all that they go get some deserts.