From getting engaged to over...just like that?

[Marty_McFly]

I've been browsing this forum for a few weeks, and now I think I'm ready to post my story to get some insight and advice.

 

My girlfriend and I were together for almost 6 years, were planning on getting engaged, and then she broke up with me out of nowhere about three weeks ago. We started dating in college, and for the last 3 years we've lived in different cities, seeing each other a few weekends a month. For a while now, she's really wanted us to get engaged, and I have too, but until recently, I just didn't think it was the right time. Our jobs were the reason we were in different cities. Since I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, and she said the same thing, I wanted us to be able to enjoy our careers for a while.

 

In September, I began to realize that the "perfect" situation probably would never materialize, and I wanted to go ahead and move toward getting engaged/married anyway. We started talking more seriously about what our wedding would be like, looked at rings, etc. One day, a few months ago, she got upset and when I was trying to find her a job in my city, saying that she's not ready to leave her job, and I said that it was OK, that we can wait until something good comes along or she gets tired of where she's at. I told her I was looking because I thought she was ready for that since she had wanted to get married for so long. Around this time, she had also happily told me about meeting a new group of friends at work (all of her good friends had moved away for various reasons). I was very happy for her and told her so. Obviously, I wanted her to have friends and be happy, and when it came to male friends, I had complete trust in her and totally believed that her heart would always be mine.

 

Some time later we had a mini-fight because she believed that I would never ask her to marry her until she moved to my city, and that she didn't want to do that without the commitment from me (pretty much any fights we've had over the last few years were related to our marital status). I told her that I used to think that, but that I now realized the "perfect" time would never come. I also pointed out my actions, our conversations, the fact that we looked at rings and that I was trying to help her find a job here, etc. to prove that I was ready to make it happen. But I said I wasn't going to tell her when, because I wanted it to be a surprise.

 

A few weeks after this (1.5 weeks before the breakup), two of her good friends got engaged in the same weekend. We had a big fight because she was really upset because they had not been together nearly as long as us and they were engaged and we were not. I told her to be happy for them, and realize that our time is coming very soon as well. I also told her I was angry because her getting so upset all the time suggests that she thinks I don't love her, and that continually getting upset when I've told her it's coming would taint the engagement because it would be like I was "pressured" into it (which if I was susceptible to pressure, I would have caved in long ago). I wasn't wanting to do it out of pressure, I wanted to because I loved her and also felt it was finally time.

 

The next week, she went out with one of her new guy friends and another of his friends. When she got home, she told me where she had been. She said they were all hanging out as friends, but when she told me, she was definitely a different personality to me. A few days later, she broke up using many of the cryptic reasons others on this board have heard (not "in" love with you, not enough passion, need to be by myself for awhile, etc.). I'm not saying I take those reasons lightly (she had some basis for them), I just don't believe that they are grounds for sudden and permanent break-up. She did not say she wanted a break, but rather that she had "given up" on us.

 

I sent her a letter the day it happened and another one a week and a half later. In the letters I simply stated what I felt for her, and basically told her the things I felt were unsaid or misunderstood by her, but nothing to try to make her feel bad or guilty, and that I still at least wanted to be friends because she was my best friend. I received no response or acknowledgement of either of those, so basically no communication at all since the break-up.

 

I was recently able to confirm that she is dating ("dating heavily" were her words to my friend) this new guy friend that I mentioned above. Of course, I'm not an idiot, I knew this the day she broke up with me, and that it's the real reason, but she never told me. Maybe she just didn't want to hurt me, I don't know. Although I do believe that she did not cheat on me, but broke up with me to date him. In addition, a few days ago I saw her because many of our mutual friends were in her town, and I was there too, and she showed up at the place we were at, but she would noticeably be turned away from me, or conspicuously standing where someone was between us so that our eyes could not meet. We never spoke or even met eyes, although I also avoided even glancing once it was quickly clear by her manners that she did not want contact of any kind. I would have loved to even just talk to her as friends about what we've been doing lately and not mention "us" at all. But she obviously doesn't want even that, and I know that trying to do that will only make things worse.

 

Obviously, like everyone else who posts here, I'm completely devastated. This was the woman I was going to spend my life with, and now my life's plans are turned upside down and all I'm left with is questions. We were so close, and I seriously believe no one else can ultimately make her as happy as I can. I know the semantics of the break-up, but what I want to know are the why's. Was it easy for her to walk away? Why was she crying about not getting engaged to me only a week before? Does she still think about me? Does she hate me? Is this new guy the main reason for the breakup or would it have happened anyway and he just made the decision easy enough for her to do it? Is he a "real" relationship or did she like his attention and thinking she wants something different in life? (I don't know much about him, but it does appear he's pretty different than me). I guess I ultimately want to know what the odds are that some day she will sit back and realize that she walked away from the best thing she ever had and want to come back? And am I doing the right things or have I already blown it?

 

I'm trying to move on by dating other girls, etc. However, she is my soulmate and I know that no one else will ever measure up. I already know because I've had plenty of opportunities to meet girls as friends (many who wanted to be more) over the years and I know that none of them can complete me like she does. Please offer me some advice.

[moimeme]

no one else can ultimately make her as happy as I can

 

What criteria are you using to conclude that you make her happy? You don't seem to have done that great a job, since she broke up with you.

 

She gave you plenty of opportunities to secure her as your life mate, but you wanted to do it completely on your own terms - in itself, that may be a source of incompatibility. The fact is that she made it clear that she wanted to move forward into a life with you and you held her off. Understandably, she finally felt that you didn't truly want her or you would have done something about it sooner.

 

As for the new guy, he's probably doing a better job of letting her know she's wanted and cared about than you did. Whether or not the new guy will become a permanent fixture is up in the air. You may have to take a very hard life lesson from this, unfortunately.

[SoleMate]

Was it easy for her to walk away?

No.

 

Why was she crying about not getting engaged to me only a week before?

 

Maybe. As moimeme said, you were dangling this engagement right above your girlfriend's eyes...and told her again and again she could only have it when YOU thought it was time. Your ex sounds pretty together...she's smart to not quit her job and move to a new city without something tangible from you (other than just words). Incidentally, was it discussed as to which city would be your shared home? Did she have a voice in this?

 

I told her I was looking [for a job for her in my home city] because I thought she was ready...

 

Wow, this would have annoyed me a lot. Imagine her saying the same thing to you. These decisions should be shared. Both people get to have an opinion and you work out a plan of action together.

 

Does she still think about me?

Yes, but less and less because she's busy with her circle of friends, new guy and job.

 

Does she hate me?

No.

 

Is this new guy the main reason for the breakup or would it have happened anyway and he just made the decision easy enough for her to do it?

He got his foot in because of the situation, but for all we know he could be such a terrific guy that he'll walk off with your ex for ever.

 

What the odds are that some day she will sit back and realize that she walked away from the best thing she ever had and want to come back?

Based on what you've said, I question whether you are the best thing she ever had. She was so committed to you...and you were committed to your idea of how to run your relationship. If I were in your shoes, and the person I wanted to spend my life with was miserable because I wouldn't make my commitment tangible, I would waste NO TIME in correcting that situation. You wanted to marry her...yes? And you kept her on tenetrhooks for years, saying you didn't want to be pressured? That borders on cruel manipulation, but I bet you will have a very hard time understanding that.

 

And am I doing the right things or have I already blown it?

You would totally need to change your attitude toward the partnership of marriage to have a chance of making it work with her...or any other woman with a backbone and self-respect. Turn your words and actions around and imagine them coming from her. Pretty unacceptable, isn't it?

[mandrews1119]

Dear Marty and SoleMate,

 

Hello, how are you? SoleMate, I am from a situation similar to Marty's and usually I am against the "tough love" or the sometimes male-bashing that goes on on the sites, but I have to say your advice was spot on!! Marty, I will give you the benefit of the doubt about a lot (being a guy in a very similar situation), but not about dangling things for her, no matter what the reason. I am in a long term (over ten yrs.) relationship that mirrors this with a few twists. I did not "dangle" things, but did not realize how much more my s/o actually needed. I wished she would have communicated like yours did or given me an ultimatum, I'd have married her in an instant!! Instead she let the pain and issues build up until she could take no more. She left and broke off contact, and after several months of contact dwindling and phone number changes, I recently realized she needs this time and space to reflect and heal. I can only hope and pray that after this process (which could take years, because we ARE VERY long term) there is still enough there to rebuild and reunite. I have undergone counseling and therpy to learn, examine and try to correct things that "we" felt were issues (anger, fear of commitment, learning how to understand and communicate on and with a feminine side instead of being a bonehead). I have done this on MY own because I knew changes had to be made in order for us to have a chance. I will gladly continue this process with her for as much as is needed if we can reunite.

 

Marty, now let me try to address some of your questions. What SoleMate addressed, I agree with, and need not address. You must ask yourself several things. One, is saving this relationship what you want to do? Then resign yourself that it may take time, even years. That does not mean be a hermit or recluse, but that a good honest love will take time to rebuild, or reclaim. She needs time to "vent" to "heal" and to decide to let you back into her life. If things are no different or no better than before, why should she?? Usually, as human beings, the first relationship (or two) (or sometimes three) are rebounds and comparisons. At first all she wants is someone who isn't YOU. I don't need to tell you there is no shortage of men who will try to fill the bill. Unfortunately, whether male or female, you have no control or input over this, so try not to stress it beyond the pain and heartache.

 

If your love was strong (and in most long-term loves barring abuse, it IS stronger than you may think) after a period of time she may hopefully rethink her decisions and also begin to miss some of the better things about you and her. Mr. and Ms. Right Nows usually don't last beyond this stage. hopefully by now you will have started to change yourself into more of Mr. Right!! The things that led you to fall in love once will still be there, and that is all you can hope for. In between, there is "no contact" "working on yourself" and all that. However much you follow those rules is strictly up to you and your individual situation. I find the only rule is - there are no rules!! I myself take whatever advice there ison all sides, stay as positive as you can and visualize the two of you together and happy. Do not listen to negative feedback. That is not to be confused with constructive criticism - but there are some folks out there (including well meaning friends and family especially) who think they are helping, but have their own issues and agendas that do not include you and her getting back together. You must also follow your heart. If you feel the quest is worth undertaking, do not quit until your heart changes. remember you will feel more up and positive on some days, dowm on others. try to stay as even-keeled as you can, this is a potential logn term undertaking. assuming you have made all the needed changes in yourself, what is left is the right timing for you to re-enter each other's lives. If you and I are lucky, Marty, perhaps our s/o will think or feel re are the best for them, or at least worthy of trying to do it better and right this next time around. From what I've learned (I'm 49, SoleMate!!), at this stage, fear of falling back into the same old unchanged thing is the thing women fear most, even if they love you enough to try. so Marty, if you haven't made enough change if you are fortunate enough to reach this stage, either dig deep and change or forget it! Actually, if you have to dig deep to change, you probably haven't worked hard enough at it, or still don't get it!! At this stage, you should be well aware that SHE was the best thing YOU ever had, hopefully she may feel the same, if you're lucky.

 

Assuming the timing is cool, (which may be aided by some sort of feelers from either of you, or a decision to talk,etc., etc.) and you do get to talk, don't rush it, but be honest and direct. If it takes a few months to start talking about you and her, so be it!! Too fast often mean too over! From here you are on your own!! Either get it right, or get gone!!

 

Food for thought: over 80% of long term relationships and marriages have had separations of over one month or more; at least 20% of them reunite or remarry, and over 50% of the folks who don't say that they wish they had given things more time or another chance. So, take heart, there is hope, and usually it comes as a result of the love being "for real", not just the best someone has had! I read a post that said that one love knew she could survive without "him"- it was like losing an arm. You know you are still living, but something irreplaceable was missing until she reunited. Goodluck!!

[mr_roggger]

Originally posted by mandrews1119

 

...

and over 50% of the folks who don't say that they wish they had given things more time or another chance.

...

 

I can't seem to make sense of that, can you explain what you mean lol ?

[Marty_McFly]

Wow, you guys are good. Are you sure you don't know my ex? Seriously, you guys have provided some good insight that I haven't gotten from anyone else.

 

As far as "dangling" an engagement or trying to run the relationship on my own terms, when you point it out I can now see how it could have came off that way, but it was definitely never my intention to do such a thing. I'll try to explain myself further. I've always been cursed with the need to think through every decision I have "rationally," meaning I often analyze them to death. Unforturtunately, when it comes to love, sometimes I guess the "rational" decision is not always the "right" decision. I guess I was trying to be rational by thinking that we know we're in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together, so why don't we take this time we have right now to accomplish some of the things we want to accomplish before we make the mutual sacrifices that are fundamental in marriage? (And I'm now painfully aware that I'm gagging on the taste of the bitter irony that in trying to do things to avoid regrets for either of us later in life I'm now left with a regret 100 times worse than any other regret could have possibly been). Obviously, I see I was wrong to think like this, and that I wasn't being responsive to her needs for a long time by doing so. However, a few months before the breakup, I had told her that I WAS going to ask her soon, we talked about our wedding, and we had looked at rings just a few weeks before. All that was left was the semantics of making sure I got the best quality ring I could for the money I had, get it ordered and made, and then a find a "romantic" chance to pop the question (I was shooting for Valentine's). In fact, the breakup conversation was initiated partly because she thought that I had ALREADY purchased it.

 

I know that there was a long time of uncomfortable uncertainty for her, but we were past that point. But I guess it still influenced her ultimate decision.

 

SoleMate, I agree that if I knew my mate was miserable that I would waste no time correcting it. But we had been talking for a long time about it and there shouldn't have been any doubt in her mind that it would happen. She was upset that one night, and that's why I continually reassured her it was around the corner. If she had said "If we're not married by the end of this month then we're through forever" I would have replied "I'm looking up plane tickets to Las Vegas right now!" She never gave any ultimatum like that, which I wouldn't have expected anyway since she knew that the wheels were already in motion.

 

I probably didn't communicate the "pressured" thing in my first post. I meant that when the time came that I did propose, I didn't want her to think that I only did it because I felt pressured. If it came up frequently between now and the time that I did it, then there would be the possibility that she would think to herself that I didn't really want to do it (guess I over-analyzed again). In retrospect, I didn't really say anything to her about that anyway. I just told her (not in a mean way) that I was hurt that she would think I didn't love her and want to be with her since we had already started putting the wheels in motion.

 

As far as the looking for jobs thing goes, this was something we did for each other all the time. She would often send me postings she found for me and I would send her ones that I found for her. It wasn't something new, but this time she got upset. We did have many hours of discussions of various job opportunities we both had and what we should ultimately do. About 6 months ago, an opportunity did come up for me in her city, but it ultimately wasn't a very good opportunity at all. I struggled immensely with the decision (basically knowing it wasn't a great job but wanting to be with her), and we had several hours of phone conversations about it and she knew every thought going through my head about it. I ultimately decided to pass on it, but not without a lot of emotional struggle, and she knew that. I think that it ultimately had an impact on where we are now, and if I had felt that was a deal-killer for our relationship, I know I would have taken the job. But in all our conversations she never indicated that to me, and had always said she would move here with me if that was the best for us. In these discussions, she would sometimes get annoyed at me asking her advice on it all the time, and tell me it was my decision and her input didn't matter, and I would always reply that it needed to be OUR decision because I planned to spend my life with her.

 

I totally believe in the partnership of marriage, and it's what I dearly wanted with her. I wanted to be able to encourage her, sacrifice for her, and basically worship the ground she walks on. But you are also right, some of my actions probably sent a different message than what my heart was feeling. I would give everything I have if I could fix that now.

 

As far as making her happy, we absolutely loved being together. We had so much fun with each other anywhere and everywhere that we went, whether it was something as simple as going to the grocery store or more "fun" like going out with our friends. We have the same tastes in virtually everything from movies to home decor. We shared with each other everything going on in our lives, and we encouraged and advised each other. I never did anything to make her even question her trust in me, she knew that I would never lie to her. Like I said in my first post, I can't think of any fights/disagreements we had in the last few years about anything else except our marital status. I think just the fact that we were together for 3 years while living so far apart demonstrates the time we spent together was very happy.

 

You guys are right, and I have learned a LOT about myself and our relationship. But now, all I wish is that I could somehow get a second chance. I'm taking the advice on other threads and I'm not going to contact her again. Is that the right thing to do in this situation? Should I send one last letter to tell her what I've learned, that I know that my actions sometimes gave the wrong impression of what my heart was feeling?

[mandrews1119]

Hey Marty,

What's up? I hope every thing goes well for you, especially since your case is so close to mine! I think in most cases that there comes a chance to reconcile, as I stated sometimes years later or at least as long as it takes for the one who has left to heal or get over the pain and fear and want to try again. At that point if things have been done to remove the problem issues, then I guess there is a chance for a try at reuniting. It takes a lot to leave (esp. long term), and a lot of getting over it to return. The fear of "the same old, same old". All we can do is hold on and wait. I think holding on isn't so bad as long as you aren't paralyzed or stalking.! After all, if both parties were THAT committed in the first place, then those things that brought them together in the first place are still there. I've been in a long term so long, it surprises me to hear folks that either are single, or unattached when they say they HAVEN'T been in a relationship for a while.! Women seem especially adept at this. Once she seriously questions her decision to leave, I think she will seriously contact you Marty. Even though most folks may not admit it, (especially women) you DO compare everyone "new" to your ex, it is just a matter of why. For men, it is largely physical, women, intellectually, romantically, and then physically. Always!! So even if you think she isn't - she is.! For me, I know I love her and can suffer the wait, my heart isn't going anywhere. The "rebound" relationships hardly ever work, it is just a matter of time until the person realizes they are rebounding. Even when they lead to a quick hook-up, i.e. marriage they usually die in the end, and the party learns a hard lesson. The problem for us guys is that Mr. Right Now usually comes along at the time she is most vulnerable and seeking consoling, so everything he does lokks so perfect, saying the right things, and most of all he ISN'T y-o-u!! She is finding or projecting everything good into him, and everything bad in the world is you. Men tend to rebound physically first, so it tends to be just sex, let's keep it moving, I'm waiting for my ex to come to her senses. Women can sometimes fall in deeper because they are seeking an emotional bond, and Mr. Right Now seems to be filling it. It will just take whatever it takes for her to realize that and most people back up at least a step. Or they need to "see" or hear from their ex in order to get a sense of perspective before moving too far, too fast. At least most of the women I asked about this do! If she contacts you at these stages Marty - be on your best "knight in shining armor" behavior. No pressure, no craziness, be sincere and see where she goes from there. More than likely, if it can be fixed, that will be the beginning. We all know the bunch of Mr. Right Nows who careers are built on preying on women coming out of breakups, and vulnerable. If your relationship was strong, and enough of the pain has lessened, she will at least send you a "feeler". Before this stage, women are usually SO hurt until that is one reason they refuse contact, advances or anything else from you and I, Marty! Right now we are all that is wrong in the world and the last man they would talk to - even if forced! And guess who looks perfect! She has to snap out of this on her own, I hope she does, in both our cases! But being very ready when she does is the key!! That isn't the time for the lecture series or put downs. Of course, we had no idea that we were causing all this mess, and most of us do make changes, but it just isn't the time for her to hear it. And if you are like me, that is the time when you are ready to be the most attentive, responsive, and best other half you can be.! Why won't they listen or hear us at that point - PAIN!! The BS that went on before. If and when she will at least listen and try to work on things, only she and God know! Take heart though, how mant times have we heard a Mr. Right Now crying with his tail between his legs saying she left him, or went back to her ex, even after years!! Sounds like I don't like Mr. Right Now, huh? The substitute is never as good as the original. She just has to learn that. This is not to say some good things don't form from the ashes of others, but usually not once one or both parties wake up. As a guy, would you want someone who is either rebounding, or in love with someone else, or not over them? It would be an insult to me. In fact, my whole life whenever I havemet alady who is rebounding or going throughchanges at - I immediately send them back home with a note from the principal to at least ry to work it out. Too many people, Mr. Rogger, leave and screw up their lives without giving it a good chance to work and regret it. Of a sample of people who left lt relationships or marriages and didn't go back 50% of them wish they'd given it more of a chance or another try. So there is hope, Marty, there is hope.

 

Last point. I read and have learned a lot, but being a romantic, to me the heart is the guide, the barometer. And in a lt relationship, you should have enough of a bond to tell the other how you feel without stalking or too much contact. If she is enforcing "no contact" obviously the pain level is still too high. That doesn't mean she doesn't want to know how YOU feel. In fact, most people (women especially) want to know how you feel, especially if you love her and want to work it out. Knowing is better than not knowing, especially when it is positive news. No one wants to hear " hi, I'm happy with someone else, drop dead!" or " I'm having a grat time without you!", whether it is true or not. But a heartfelt " Hi, I'm sorry and I hurt too, what can we do to get past this together often leaves the door open for at least contact, conversation, and renewal. My problem is I have to stop overdoing this part, so I don't come across as begging or needy. there is a difference between needy and sorry about making mistakes. If you FEEL the letter, write the letter. Perhaps she will realize your sincerity, and understand how much courage it took for you to reach out to her. And you will also have gotten it out of your heart instead of kicking yourself for not writing. Even if you receive no response, every woman wants to know she is still in your heart. Wouldn't you?? And that ype of contact may be just what she needs to do a reality check withMr. Right Now, if there is one. chances are Mr. Right Now is filling a void created by the breakup. If she feels the void can be filled by making things better (notice I said better, not the same!), with you - most people in love won't ignore that! After all, you love each other, and if things are positive, she knows there can often be no greater love than love renewed. there is a strength and success in getting back together and making it work. Nuff said.

[NEONINK]

My main message is, I'm sorry. That must feel like crap.

 

I think you ex has found a new penny. It's all shiny and new and full of promise, but within time, she will find all that glitters is NOT gold, and all she has is another penny. She has had a penny for about 6 years, and now has a new one. Eventually, she'll realize it's just a penny.

 

That's my one-cent worth.

 

Take care of yourself, in the meantime. Do the right things and not the wrong ones.

[SoleMate]

Should I send one last letter to tell her what I've learned, that I know that my actions sometimes gave the wrong impression of what my heart was feeling?

 

If I were you, I would do that. I would also aplogize sincerely for the pain that I had caused. I would not justify or even really do any explaining or rationalizing - just say that I now know I should have communicated better and asked her to marry me, and also how my butt is black and blue where I've been kicking it because of my mistakes in sharing feelings and showing my love and commitment.

 

There's a slight chance this will bring her back - and a good chance you will hear her moan sadly, "If only you had said this ONE MONTH ago, how different things would be!"

 

Whatever happens, go buy a copy of "Love Is Never Enough" by Aaron Beck and read it cover to cover until you can quote it to yourself while lying sleepless in bed. It will help you with your love life.

 

Good luck!

[Marty_McFly]

So you think that would be an appropriate violation of the "no contact" rule that she clearly wants? Like I said, I've sent a few fairly lengthy letters detailing what I believed made us so great together, and all of the things that I love about her, but I never really apologized to her (maybe that's what she wanted all along?).

 

I knew that what we were going through for so long was agonizing to her, but I guess I thought it would all be OK someday when I would finally decide to pull the trigger.

 

If I write her another letter, I would basically tell her that I've learned A LOT about her, myself, and our relationship. That I know that she loved me completely and gave me everything that she had and that I was just a selfish jerk who was unresponsive to what she really needed from me, which was the certainty that I loved her uncoditionally and wanted to be with her forever. I realize that the point came where she had little reason to really believe that because even though I was saying those things my actions (or inaction) never proved it. I would tell her that I know that certain events that transpired over the last 6 months made it appear that I was unwilling to sacrifice for her. And that I know that what I did was incredibly unfair to her.

 

I would apologize to her, ask her for her forgiveness, and tell her that she doesn't have to apologize or justify what she did to me because I'm the one who was wrong and that I would have done the same thing in her situation. I would tell her that I have learned my lessons and that I'm glad that now my future relationships will be much stronger because I will never treat someone that way again. And finally, I would tell her that I hope that she can forgive me and that someday when she's ready we can be friends again.

 

Obviously, I would hope that she would indeed forgive me and that at some point down the road (sooner than later) she would want to be with me again. However, I wouldn't mention that in the letter.

 

Is that something that would be OK to send? My worst fear is doing something that will push her even further away from me and consequently take away any remaining possibilities that I could ever be with her again.

 

This is horrible! If anyone reading this post is in the situation I was in and you know you want to be with the person you are with forever, stop analyzing or worrying about it and just do it as fast as possible! The cost of two airplane tickets to Las Vegas are a pittance to avoid the agonizing loss that I am feeling right now.

[SoleMate]

So you think that would be an appropriate violation of the "no contact" rule that she clearly wants?

 

I guess I didn't catch the part where she said "no contact". If she SAID that and meant it, then abide by it, by all means. But if it's just your guess, ignore it.

 

I knew that what we were going through for so long was agonizing to her, but I guess I thought it would all be OK someday...

 

Ouch. That hurts ME and I'm not even your ex. You knew she was hurting...and didn't take the simple step to fix it.

 

Here's what you said...I'm bolding the good parts. Leave out the other stuff.

 

If I write her another letter, I would basically tell her that I've learned A LOT about her, myself, and our relationship. That I know that she loved me completely and gave me everything that she had and that I was just a selfish jerk who was unresponsive to what she really needed from me, which was the certainty that I loved her uncoditionally and wanted to be with her forever. I realize that the point came where she had little reason to really believe that because even though I was saying those things my actions (or inaction) never proved it. I would tell her that I know that certain events that transpired over the last 6 months made it appear that I was unwilling to sacrifice for her. And that I know that what I did was incredibly unfair to her.

 

I would apologize to her, ask her for her forgiveness, and tell her that she doesn't have to apologize or justify what she did to me because I'm the one who was wrong and that I would have done the same thing in her situation. I would tell her that I have learned my lessons and that I'm glad that now my future relationships will be much stronger because I will never treat someone that way again. And finally, I would tell her that I hope that she can forgive me and that someday when she's ready we can be friends again.

 

The other stuff is just too bossy. Here's some basics...don't tell other people how they feel or should feel, or what they want or should want. Tell about your wants, ASK about hers. Stay focussed on HER. Even in the depths of your pain, I see it is hard to take your views off yourself. Yet true love really is close to selfless. You think all about the other person and their happiness, very little about yourself.

 

Keep the letter short (1/2 page max) and relatively light hearted, though filled with deep self-knowledge. I still like the black and blue butt part, because that will make her smile. When the draft is ready, count the number of times that you use the words "you" and "I". Then change the letter until there are 3 "you"s for every "I".

 

Good luck!

[seattlesad]

All I can say is....>WOW

[InLoKo]

I'm not sure about sending yet another letter. How many more times can you keep saying the same thing? You said you've already written to her twice? Those letters "basically told her the things you felt were unsaid or misunderstood by her" and you received no response. She is now dating someone else. I really can't see that there is any more you can do. If you really love her, let her go and get on with her life. Another letter will do further damage IMHO.

[cdn]

Brava, Solemate!

 

This is one wise woman. You would do well to listen to her.

[Marty_McFly]

OK, Seattle...you know you can't just say WOW without elaborating. Is it:

 

-WOW, it would really suck to be in this guy's shoes.

-WOW, this guy's a real freaking idiot that just doesn't get it.

-WOW, SoleMate can read people well and gives great advice.

-WOW, all of the above.

-WOW, none of the above.

 

 

It appears many posting hear have ripped me apart, and that's fine. I'm trying to be completely honest, not sugar-coating myself, and not leaving anything out, because I know that's the only way to find the right answers (if there's right or wrong here). And I recognize that the "right" answers are not always served with ice cream.

[InLoKo]

Originally posted by Marty_McFly

It appears many posting hear have ripped me apart, and that's fine. I'm trying to be completely honest, not sugar-coating myself, and not leaving anything out, because I know that's the only way to find the right answers (if there's right or wrong here). And I recognize that the "right" answers are not always served with ice cream.

 

Who's ripped you apart here? From what I've read, everyone has given their time to respond to you positively. I think the poster who said WOW said that in response to the length and heaviness of some of the posts from various people. It does give that impression.

[GoldfingerCymru]

InLoKo is right , I think he is saying WOW to SoleMate.

 

I wish I had that advice before I wrote my letter - she is damn good.

[InLoKo]

Originally posted by GoldfingerCymru

I wish I had that advice before I wrote my letter - she is damn good.

 

OK...now I'm getting lost. Are you talking about your ex-g/f or Marty's???

[GoldfingerCymru]

Sorry,

 

The letter that I wrote to my own Ex-GF.

 

Us men are a bit twp (that's thick in welsh), and I tried to explain everything and lay all my feelings on the line.

 

SoleMate's advice was just so cool that I wish I had done the things she had said as it would be too late now.

 

I just had to comment, as Marty seems to be upset at the moment and although I can feel for him, all his responses in this thread have been excellent.

 

Hindsight is such a pain in the bottom.

[Marty_McFly]

Yes, the phrase "ripping me apart" was a bit of an exaggeration on my part. I was basically pointing out that while many of the responses are, of course, not what I may "want" to hear, they are indeed excellent, helpful, correct, and what I "need" to hear, and I appreceiate them.