bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 First, this is kinda semi-long.. so thanks for reading and the advice (in advance!) This girl is really, really attractive. She's really sweet. she's really smart. she's really fit. the problem is... she was friends with my now-ex (of a catastrophic, toxic, dysfunctional relationship - you can read my f'd up posts in the Coping, break-ups, and second chances threads)... my ex was jealous of this girl that her and I were friends. Just friends. Nothing more. Scouts honor. My ex, when we first began dating... told my best friend, we'll call her M, to stay the F away from me. I didn't learn of this till the breakup... mind you my ex did the SAME thing to M the day we got back together... and the next day, when she broke up with me via facebook she told M I'm all hers. That she dumped my ass and she could use me whichever way she fancied. Basically.. M picked up all the pieces and is putting me back together again. We have never been physical, but we always hang out.. she's rebuilt my confidence... basically given me a reason to smile again. I have VERY good friends who have been there (thank the lord), but M has been there through EVERYTHING... even knowing my ex. I should've listened to M when she said DO NOT TAKE the ex BACK! (I dumped the ex during the relationship... ex pleaded with me to take her back). It's a long, complicated story... ...anyhow... M and I do so much together... like BFF's or something.. work out together (kind of killing me b/c I need a lifting partner I can compete with on a healthy level)... she'll hold my arm like we're a couple when we're walking around campus... or in the gym.. or in the super market... or at parties... or when I go out with her and her friends... she'll even hit my butt every so often. I make her legit smile... which is nice and she makes me smile. CLEARLY she is cock-blocking me so other women think we're "together" which f's everything up. Kind of sucks... I've told her this and she giggles and apologizes. Still occurs though. She's into this guy who is Lebanese... she's Punjabi, but doesn't look it. she looks EXOTIC (2 people on these boards have seen her picture... they can vouche for this one - she's an 11/10~!) Her personality makes her a 50/10. ANYHOW.. she's into this guy.. we'll call him MC. MC knows about me and it totally cool with it. She'll sometimes call him by my name by accident and me by his.. which is throwing me off... she knows I'm still semi-hurting since it's only been 4 months since I got dumped over facebook by a low self esteem, depressed party girl who used me as her rebound... could I be that great of a catch that maybe she's waiting for me to fully heal before going in for the kill on me? Or are we only JUST REALLY, REALLY good friends... right now... I'm not into her 'LIKE THAT', but I dunno... I'm not ready to jump back into the dating world. Apparently I've had 3 openings with 3 different girls that know me and see I'm 'doing better' than I was post-break up... so hmmm ok only 2 of the girls know... one girl I randomly met as she served me coffee in a starbucks and she recognized me from a class she has after my class i am a grad TA for (we walk by eachother often enough apparently) and she struck up conversation with me while she was working... i thought i'd act on that next time I see her... catch her name or something + ask her on her break to join me (next time I'm @ starbucks) yeah... is M JUST a GOOD friend... or could there be something more? O.o Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Rob, I think you are looking entirely too much into this. It seems as though right now you are looking for someone to validate you on some level. As though you aren't worthy of being cared for. Which is incorrect. I think your frame of mind isn't in the place that it should be. If she likes you, you'll know over time. Being good friends with the opposite sex can seem as though they like you, when really they just care about you. Girls shouldn't be on your priority list right now. You should be on your priority list. You still have a lot of baggage from this past relationship that you need to work through. I wouldn't focus on anything else (besides work and school). Take care of yourself before you start thinking about taking care of anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 Rob, I think you are looking entirely too much into this. It seems as though right now you are looking for someone to validate you on some level. As though you aren't worthy of being cared for. Which is incorrect. I think your frame of mind isn't in the place that it should be. If she likes you, you'll know over time. Being good friends with the opposite sex can seem as though they like you, when really they just care about you. Girls shouldn't be on your priority list right now. You should be on your priority list. You still have a lot of baggage from this past relationship that you need to work through. I wouldn't focus on anything else (besides work and school). Take care of yourself before you start thinking about taking care of anyone else. you're right... (as usual) Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHarvest Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Rob, I think you are looking entirely too much into this. It seems as though right now you are looking for someone to validate you on some level. As though you aren't worthy of being cared for. Which is incorrect. I think your frame of mind isn't in the place that it should be. If she likes you, you'll know over time. Being good friends with the opposite sex can seem as though they like you, when really they just care about you. Girls shouldn't be on your priority list right now. You should be on your priority list. You still have a lot of baggage from this past relationship that you need to work through. I wouldn't focus on anything else (besides work and school). Take care of yourself before you start thinking about taking care of anyone else. Preface: I'm kind of in a similar situation as banana. Erica...why do people say this? I realize there is a grain of truth in it, but honestly I don't understand it. To me this statement of "take care of yourself before you take care of others" kind of feels like a chicken or the egg statement. By that I mean it's a cyclical process. Some people in this world develop themselves into being very independant. Others develop a lesser level of independance. Some people want a relationship with a good girl. (Someone who treats us nicely, looks nice, genuinely cares about us) To me a girlfriend in an optimal situation is a *friend* first. She's his best friend, and while she may be (either intentional or unintentional) cock-blocking him, she's a good friend. They have a rapport with each other. Hmm, got off track a little bit. Anyways: My point is...why? Why do you feel like he needs to take care of himself. What could he possibly do in school or in life without a girlfriend that can't be done with a girlfriend? You said "you'll know" over time. What timeframe? What if he took your advice but in reality she was waiting for him to make a move? (Making a move would be moving on from his past relationship wouldn't it?) "Being good friends with the opposite sex can seem as though they like you, when really they just care about you." And what's wrong with someone caring about you? You know MOST people have friends that should probably be labeled as more of an acquaintance then a friend. Many people don't have true friends. She might be a true friend, but she might also be a prospective girlfriend. If she cares about him, then that's obviously a sign of some interest isn't it? I know this post probably comes off as a bit hostile, and for that I apologize. But I get tired of hearing the same tired old "advice", spouted as if mantra. It falls into the same category of the female friend (of a guy) who says "oh well she's not good enough for you" (after he's been rejected). (If he's so great, why isn't the female friend going after him?....see the conundrum?) Edit: Yes I know I could have mutated the post into some of my own situations and perspective, but my situation is similar to banana's... Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 M is hot... Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Erica...why do people say this? I realize there is a grain of truth in it, but honestly I don't understand it. To me this statement of "take care of yourself before you take care of others" kind of feels like a chicken or the egg statement. By that I mean it's a cyclical process. Anyways: My point is...why? Why do you feel like he needs to take care of himself. What could he possibly do in school or in life without a girlfriend that can't be done with a girlfriend? In this situation, he has baggage from a previous relationship he was in. You do not want to bring that into a new relationship, or even bring that into the thought of being in a new relationship. You need to take care of yourself first. Meaning, sort through your issues and the emotionally instability that the previous relationship has caused, before putting yourself through another relationship. You said "you'll know" over time. What timeframe? What if he took your advice but in reality she was waiting for him to make a move? (Making a move would be moving on from his past relationship wouldn't it?) Usually, being good friends with someone you know when they want you or not. You are used to their friendship, but usually people start acting differently than they normally would when they begin actually liking that person. For me, when friends begin to like me, it becomes obvious. There is no question about it. "Being good friends with the opposite sex can seem as though they like you, when really they just care about you." And what's wrong with someone caring about you? You know MOST people have friends that should probably be labeled as more of an acquaintance then a friend. Many people don't have true friends. She might be a true friend, but she might also be a prospective girlfriend. If she cares about him, then that's obviously a sign of some interest isn't it? There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone caring about you, and my post never intended for it to sound as if there was. I have a best friend that's of the same sex. I care about her, but I do not want to date her. I also have a couple of good guy friends that I care about, but I do not want to date. See the difference? People are capable of caring about someone, without the intention of wanting to be in a romantic relationship with them. It falls into the same category of the female friend (of a guy) who says "oh well she's not good enough for you" (after he's been rejected). (If he's so great, why isn't the female friend going after him?....see the conundrum?) No, actually I do not. Considering there are plenty of females (his situation especially) that are extremely insecure and confused with themselves. Just because this person who is unstable with themselves does not want a great guy... most certainly does not mean that they are not great. Not all females go after great guys. As a matter of fact, most don't! Most go for the *******s who will treat them like crap. When the good guy comes along, they are either rejected or used. And in that situation, just the same as this one, I would be more than happy (and honest in saying so) to say "She's not good enough for you." Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHarvest Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 In this situation, he has baggage from a previous relationship he was in. You do not want to bring that into a new relationship, or even bring that into the thought of being in a new relationship. You need to take care of yourself first. Meaning, sort through your issues and the emotionally instability that the previous relationship has caused, before putting yourself through another relationship. Ok understandable. Mind if I take this down a slightly different path. What if he (and by he I mean me ) was a person who has been out of a relationship for awhile, doesn't have many *true* friends. What would you consider for the situation? Usually, being good friends with someone you know when they want you or not. You are used to their friendship, but usually people start acting differently than they normally would when they begin actually liking that person. For me, when friends begin to like me, it becomes obvious. There is no question about it. And what is "obvious" that shows you that a friend likes you? There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone caring about you, and my post never intended for it to sound as if there was. I have a best friend that's of the same sex. I care about her, but I do not want to date her. I also have a couple of good guy friends that I care about, but I do not want to date. See the difference? People are capable of caring about someone, without the intention of wanting to be in a romantic relationship with them. Again, you are correct. Maybe this is a failing of mine, either through bad relationships or what-not, but.. How do you let someone care about you(and you care about them) without getting romantic feelings towards them? 'll be honest, I cared about her, but my feelings towards her were neutral until she become single again. After she broke up with her last partner it's like she went from being neutral to me to being something else. I guess what I'm getting at is, while I feel like my relationship with the girl I know has progressed at a friendly rate, over the last few months she's spent more time getting to know me then she has over the last few years. It's like we sped up the time to get to know each other... I will say this much, and I do apologize for hijacking the thread...., but I talked to one of her close friends who is one of my close friends who moved to a different state...and asked this other friend what she thought of the situation, she essentially told me I need to talk to the girl about my feelings. (And I realize ultimately that that is the only way I'll ever find out for sure) She IS a good friend, I just don't want to look back and say "I should have asked her for something more then friendship". I can be just a friend to her, but I need to know it isn't going to be anything then friends before I can go on. Maybe that sounds selfish, I don't know. I'm so confused now... Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 BlueHarvest, i'm a little confused about your whole situation. If you'd like, you can PM me and you can fully describe this situation you are in and I can try to help. I'd hate to TJ Robs thread, and it can give me some clarity about your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 BlueHarvest, i'm a little confused about your whole situation. If you'd like, you can PM me and you can fully describe this situation you are in and I can try to help. I'd hate to TJ Robs thread, and it can give me some clarity about your situation. do it up... i don't mind. you've been so helpful to me. i'm trying to figure out a statistical analysis program and running data through it, but i'm having trouble with strings of code while I'm reflecting on what oyu and BH have discussed... hmm **** stats. love you erica "I want to reconcile the violence in your heart I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask I want to exorcise the demons from your past I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart" Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 do it up... i don't mind. you've been so helpful to me. i'm trying to figure out a statistical analysis program and running data through it, but i'm having trouble with strings of code while I'm reflecting on what oyu and BH have discussed... hmm **** stats. love you erica "I want to reconcile the violence in your heart I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask I want to exorcise the demons from your past I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart" The conversation I need to have with BH is going to be so long that it'll completely sidetrack the help that you need with this. What are your feelings on what we have discussed? What's going through your mind? I love ya too Rob!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 The conversation I need to have with BH is going to be so long that it'll completely sidetrack the help that you need with this. What are your feelings on what we have discussed? What's going through your mind? I love ya too Rob!! ummmmmm.... I don't know. Not ready for a relationship yet... i think M realizes that. Something tells me... I'm everything she wants in a man... just the way she treats me... but she doesn't want *me*... and while she's single and has me... she treats me as such, but won't advance for a) I'm not the one for her and b) I'm not fully healed I'm human... I'm just another schmuck with heart... feelings... emotions... and I look forward to loving again one day Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHarvest Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 The conversation I need to have with BH is going to be so long that it'll completely sidetrack the help that you need with this. What are your feelings on what we have discussed? What's going through your mind? I love ya too Rob!! Ok I PM'd you. Rob sorry to sidetrack your thread. Just reminded me of my situation and I couldn't keep it bottled up any longer... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 Ok I PM'd you. Rob sorry to sidetrack your thread. Just reminded me of my situation and I couldn't keep it bottled up any longer... Love is always hiding in the shadows... don't let it pass you by if it's TRUE. Listen to your heart, I say... but listen to your head when your heart is sick. Right now... I MUST listen to my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Leia Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 M is hot... You're one of those 2 that got to see M?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 You're one of those 2 that got to see M?? Erica is #2... Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Erica is #2... Yes, I am! And I think we both know that even if she likes you, not to act on any of that right now. Let it get to the point where she is forced into saying something. And if she doesn't, then why ruin a good thing? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 You're one of those 2 that got to see M?? Yes...and it was good... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 Yes...and it was good... I thought you loved ME! Link to post Share on other sites
annxxdisaster Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Why do you always focus so much on how physically attractive a female is? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 Why do you always focus so much on how physically attractive a female is? If you're not physically attracted to someone... personally.. I'm not PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED to hot girls... I like cute.. nerdy... FIT ( I want health of MIND & BODY ) ... My friend M just happens to be fit, nerdy, and really sexy. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I thought you loved ME! I guess I never said I didn't... Link to post Share on other sites
sunrae Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I like cute.. nerdy... FIT ( I want health of MIND & BODY ) ... Hi Rob, Let me introduce myself... I'm Kelly Cute- 5'6, 135lbs, blond hair blue eyes Fit- I go to the gym twice a day, morning cardio, afternnon weight training, I'm nice and toned... nerdy- degree in fire protection engineering, paralegal studies, and own my own company... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 Hi Rob, Let me introduce myself... I'm Kelly Cute- 5'6, 135lbs, blond hair blue eyes Fit- I go to the gym twice a day, morning cardio, afternnon weight training, I'm nice and toned... nerdy- degree in fire protection engineering, paralegal studies, and own my own company... And you're single? Is that possible? Link to post Share on other sites
sunrae Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 And you're single? Is that possible? LOL.. Thanks... Guess I just havent found him yet... Thought I had, but oh well... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) LOL.. Thanks... Guess I just havent found him yet... Thought I had, but oh well... Well.. I'm a stupid boy who's fit, I'd like to think I'm smart (Phd candidate in Kinesiology) and hopefully have a nice future ahead.. I'm tall (>6') and I'm told I'm handsome... match made in heaven? ..EDIT: and honestly.. it's so hard to meet decent women doing what I do.. Edited February 12, 2010 by bananaboat11 Link to post Share on other sites
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