Ex's email

[HeavenOrHell]

Well he means it but it doesn't mean he wants me back. I have been full NC the last few days and feeling better for it

Would I take him back if he wanted to try again? I wish we could have at least tried to rebuild, I don't know if it would have been possible, but I deserved a second chance, to put into action what I've/we've learned from our mistakes. If he had wanted to try again I would have listened to what he had to say and then decided. I would not have lived with him again because yes, I would be insecure about him leaving a 4th time. I was never insecure about him leaving a 3rd time, as we were much solid after we split the 2nd time, well for a few years anyway.

I have never stopped the rest of my life for a partner, a partner has never been the one and only important thing in my life, but maybe I took that to the extreme and had no time for him in the end, what I'm saying is if I have another relationship I will not give up the rest of my life so that a partner is all I have, that is something I've never done, I need to be careful that I make time for a partner though.

I asked my relationship therapist if it would be too early for me to go out with someone again and she said I don't see see why not, I assumed it might be a rebound thing and she said not necessarily.

I guess I'll know if I'm ready and it feels right.

I don't believe my ex when he says he left purely cos of the neglect, he doesn't seem to be being honest with himself. But I think I have forgiven myself now for the part I played in our break up.

 

 

I don't know if your ex means it or not, and part of me doesn't care. The plain fact of the matter is you cannot move forward the way things are going at the moment. He drops these compelling little phrases that keep you on the hook, hoping that he'll realize he wants to come back. I don't know if it is his intention - but it's cruel.

 

So let me ask you this, do you truly feel ready and able to pursue a relationship with your ex or with anyone else for that matter? If you say yes, then I don't think you are being honest with yourself. If it were me I in your shoes and I got back with my ex I would always wonder if today was the day he walks again. And I would wonder if that silly thing I said would push him away, or whatever.

 

That's not what you want or deserve. You need to heal from everything you've been through. You need to focus on you and stop thinking about him and what he wants and what he says. Focussing on you will mean taking responsibilty for what you've done (which you have pretty much already done and then some) but also realizing that you were not alone in the demise of your relationship. It will mean you can finally forgive yourself, improve what you think needs improving and discover what it is you think you might need in the future.

 

I cannot imagine what it must be like in your sohes, other than unfathomably painful. But I do know that you deserve better than what you are getting right now, and the only way you can be ready to get it is to start moving on.

 

All my best to you - always.

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow you are sounding wonderful! I am so happy for you. If indeed you are ready to date, then good for you! You are about a million miles ahead of me in the recovery process.

 

I'm glad NC is working for you - when it works it makes it easier to stick with it.

 

To tell the truth I'm having a bad day - but I know this will pass. Hey another few (ok 6 or so) and I'll be back in bed. Woohoo!

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks hun, I'm doing ok at the moment, but who knows if it will last But NC is helping me move on for sure

 

Sorry you were having a bad day Your break up is more recent than mine, hang in there hun, you will come through.

I have to be honest and say I don't think your friend should have told you your ex might be emailing you, I mean why tell you? It might not happen. I don't think it's helped you at all

 

 

 

Wow you are sounding wonderful! I am so happy for you. If indeed you are ready to date, then good for you! You are about a million miles ahead of me in the recovery process.

 

I'm glad NC is working for you - when it works it makes it easier to stick with it.

 

To tell the truth I'm having a bad day - but I know this will pass. Hey another few (ok 6 or so) and I'll be back in bed. Woohoo!

[mickleb]

Aaah. NC.

 

Works freakin' wonders, I tell you.

 

It IS beginning to work for you, HoH - let it continue to do so.

 

Funny how it had an effect on him, too, suddenly coming out with that 'I miss our intimacy' borlocks. Tut, tut. That comment in itself spells L.O.S.E.R. to me (in big letters).

 

So, he left you three times? And you took him back? And he just kept doing it? I guess you taught him one lesson and now you've chosen to teach him (and, more importantly, yourself) another.

 

Good for you. This one is so much more effective.

 

I *gots to* tell ya, as well, I'm afraid, madame: I have a couple of concerns about that therapist of yours.

 

And here is my issue (from a different professional's POV) - the woman sounds lazy.

 

I disagree with her suggestion that you should move. Really - f*ck dat. YOU STAY. Secondly, she doesn't know you very well at all, my love, if she's saying a blase 'why not?' to you starting dating again, at this point.

 

Don't get me wrong - you have had it tough and are beginning to really fight for yourself, now. (And that is absolutely outstanding. You keep it up, ok?) But I feel you may have posted her opinions here as you were not sure about those points, in particular.

 

Get solidly back on your own two feet, H, as you are doing. THEN make your big moves.

 

(I'll be watching your back. )

 

x

[hopesndreams]

I don't have hope of getting back together anymore, but would it not have confused you if your ex said they miss the intimacy terribly?!

I haven't replied to his last e-mail, so that's that now.

 

He is still working things out in his head and needs your help. He will continue to email you til the cows come home as long as there is a response. If you must respond because you cannot control yourself, just reply with weather type responses. Give him nothing of what is going on in your life and no more rehashing of the 18 years spent together. He will get bored, his emails will dwindle and then he's gone. Then you will be able to breathe.

[curiousnycgirl]

Sorry you were having a bad day Your break up is more recent than mine, hang in there hun, you will come through.

I have to be honest and say I don't think your friend should have told you your ex might be emailing you, I mean why tell you? It might not happen. I don't think it's helped you at all

 

I understand what you're saying and don't necessarily disagree with you. My friend (really his friend) told me because she knew I was suffering and crying. Plus her agenda is that she wants us to get back together - so keeping me hanging on makes sense in her mind. Regardless of the result, her intentions were good.

 

Meanwhile I AM hanging on, and I need to stop (haha - way easier said than done). I am not going ot stop loving him - but I need to stop running to my email to see if he's finally written. I need to understand that he's just not that into me, never has been and never will be. In the end that's what it really boils down to in my case. If he were that into me, then he would be racing to get me back, not waiting and weighing every stinking word.

 

I'll get there - I'm just slow on the uptake I guess - because people (including folks here on LS) have been telling me these things for over 5 years - yet still I pine away.

[GrayClouds]

, her intentions were good.

 

.

 

 

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, too bad she lead you there. So CNYCG go out and buy your self a GPS set it to NC City. Your currently driving around in a town called Hope and this trusty little emotionally TomTom is telling you to "recalculate, recalculate u-turn as soon as possible, and take first on-ramp on to Healing Highway." And do not forget to wave at HoH when you catch up to her.

[curiousnycgirl]

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, too bad she lead you there. So CNYCG go out and buy your self a GPS set it to NC City. Your currently driving around in a town called Hope and this trusty little emotionally TomTom is telling you to "recalculate, recalculate u-turn as soon as possible, and take first on-ramp on to Healing Highway." And do not forget to wave at HoH when you catch up to her.

 

OMG you are so cute! This literally made me laugh out loud! I'm doing my best GrayClouds. I've certainly not initiated contact, nor am I willing to engage in any conversation about him.

 

One day at a time.

[jlr]

I know it's hard not to read into things they say, or to hope it means more. Trust me, I did the same thing. My ex told me she missed me, even told me she still loved me, had intimate moments with me after we broke up for months. I got stringed along. What was really happening was that she never really dealt with any of it, and she would get scared from time to time about wandering out into the big open world. She needed a security blanket to make it easier for her, which in turn, made it way harder for me. They make the choice to leave a long term relationship, but don't realize the impact it has on both people. Then they think they can still come to that person to make them feel better, even though that's the person they hurt by doing it in the first place.

 

If they really wanted us back, they'd make it happen. They don't want us back. They want us close in case life falls apart for them. They need to know that when they make the choice to break up, they don't get your emotional or physical support anymore.

[GrayClouds]

OMG you are so cute! This literally made me laugh out loud! I'm doing my best GrayClouds. I've certainly not initiated contact, nor am I willing to engage in any conversation about him.

 

One day at a time.

 

And I suggest in that vain, if he does ever send an email, instantly erase it before reading. For if he does not have the love and courage to risk coming to you in person to have the conversation, he does not deserve your love. And likely when things get difficult again, he will take the program his GPS to easier route once again.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm glad I went NC for sure, feel like I know what I'm dealing with now sort of thing! I don't regret not going NC before, I wanted to do things my way and I don't regret that

No, he left twice 9 years ago and I took him back, the 2nd time he left we hadn't sorted our problems out-the fact we were in a rut (this was before the birds etc), so he left again a few months later. Since he came back the 2nd time we felt so much more solid and I never thought he would leave again, nor did he, and he often said why did he ever leave me, that he couldn't believe he had done that and he would never leave me again, that he couldn't live without me. He meant it at the time. So I felt very secure. Doh.

I made him sweat it out the 2nd time I took him back.

I don't feel like I'm teaching him anything by going NC, I just have to do it for myself for my sanity, but I know what you're saying.

I agree about the moving, I think my therapist just meant it is easier to get over a relationship if you remove yourself totally from the situation, cos every time I bump into him it reopens the wounds, I feel I just never want to see or hear from him again as it would make it easier and quicker to move on fully, I especially don't want to bump into him with his next gf, especially if he does end up with that ex friend of mine, I know I have to deal with it, but it would be a hell of a lot easier to just never see him again. But I don't want to move away and won't make any hasty decisions.

I don't know about another relationship yet, probably not for a while, but I don't feel I would constantly be looking for my ex in them which I would have been the first few months, maybe someone to hang out with and cuddle would be nice though, nothing too heavy, and I don't intend to give up all the things I have been doing to rebuild my life if someone else came along. I don't intend to use anyone or do a rebound thing, just not my style at all, don't worry

 

 

 

Aaah. NC.

 

Works freakin' wonders, I tell you.

 

It IS beginning to work for you, HoH - let it continue to do so.

 

Funny how it had an effect on him, too, suddenly coming out with that 'I miss our intimacy' borlocks. Tut, tut. That comment in itself spells L.O.S.E.R. to me (in big letters).

 

So, he left you three times? And you took him back? And he just kept doing it? I guess you taught him one lesson and now you've chosen to teach him (and, more importantly, yourself) another.

 

Good for you. This one is so much more effective.

 

I *gots to* tell ya, as well, I'm afraid, madame: I have a couple of concerns about that therapist of yours.

 

And here is my issue (from a different professional's POV) - the woman sounds lazy.

 

I disagree with her suggestion that you should move. Really - f*ck dat. YOU STAY. Secondly, she doesn't know you very well at all, my love, if she's saying a blase 'why not?' to you starting dating again, at this point.

 

Don't get me wrong - you have had it tough and are beginning to really fight for yourself, now. (And that is absolutely outstanding. You keep it up, ok?) But I feel you may have posted her opinions here as you were not sure about those points, in particular.

 

Get solidly back on your own two feet, H, as you are doing. THEN make your big moves.

 

(I'll be watching your back. )

 

x

[HeavenOrHell]

Struggling this eve, feel angry with him for ending what was a wonderful relationship for so long. And angry with my ex mate who will be making the most of the fact that I'm out of the picture, well she's welcome to him.

 

Just wish I wasn't so lonely and depressed because I miss him so much.

[Ms. Joolie]

With the devastation in Haiti, many good people lost loved ones. Many people lost homes, their schools or their jobs.... or all of the above.

 

You do what you can to overcome such tragedy. These people need aid, they need support. They need to build their homes again, rebuild their communities.

 

The damage of such a mass tragedy can affect one person their entire lifetime.

 

 

My point is, HoH, to consider the loss one of these good people is going through and try, TRY, to realize that your romantic loss is not on that level.

 

 

In other words, if you were from Haiti, I'd tell you to do something about your situation, to heal or to rebuild.

 

But you are not from Haiti.

 

So saying it nicely: Stop moping. Forget about him already and can't you share with us your new life now.

 

Like DenverBachelor. Only don't do it in the coping section.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Ms. Joolie

[HeavenOrHell]

You were suggesting I seduce him last week

It's easy for you to say stop moping when you've got the chance to rebuild with your ex!

And it doesn't help to compare one situation to another, I mean OF COURSE my situation is nothing like Haiti, I'm not daft! Statements like that just make me feel guilty for feeling upset with my situation, the Haiti earthquake doesn't make my situation better for me, it doesn't work like that (and yes I do care, I've worked for Oxfam voluntarily for 15 years, so I do more than most people do for disaster relief).

I can't 'forget' about someone I shared my life with for 18 years.

My friends tell me how well I'm doing because I DON'T sit around moping, because I'm meeting new people and doing new things, mostly working for charities. I've been really proud of myself actually and for the fact I finally cut ties with him, but your post has upset me, I don't deserve this.

My last post on this thread was asking for a bit of support because I am struggling with NC today.

Would you say to someone whose partner died after 18 years to stop moping?! So how is it easier when they're alive and meeting other women and it's in my face?

I'm doing ok most of the time, I guess I just don't feel the need to post on LS unless I need support.

Thanks for making me feel like **** just cos I still get upset at times.

 

With the devastation in Haiti, many good people lost loved ones. Many people lost homes, their schools or their jobs.... or all of the above.

 

You do what you can to overcome such tragedy. These people need aid, they need support. They need to build their homes again, rebuild their communities.

 

The damage of such a mass tragedy can affect one person their entire lifetime.

 

 

My point is, HoH, to consider the loss one of these good people is going through and try, TRY, to realize that your romantic loss is not on that level.

 

 

In other words, if you were from Haiti, I'd tell you to do something about your situation, to heal or to rebuild.

 

But you are not from Haiti.

 

So saying it nicely: Stop moping. Forget about him already and can't you share with us your new life now.

 

Like DenverBachelor. Only don't do it in the coping section.

[Ms. Joolie]

Yes, but you didn't want to seduce him. You went the other direction. Wrote him one of those dreadful goodbye emails and then wrote him another one because you missed him.

 

Then you come on here asking for support? On what exactly? On your inability to get over him? Sorry, can't do it.

 

If you decided you want to get over him, get over him. I don't even care that you two were together for 18 years anymore. So were the couple in Haiti if you know what I mean. One was lost and the other has to keep going.

 

I'm not being unsympathetic to your situation, HoH. I'm being unsympathetic to your mopiness which hasn't budged since you started posting.

 

I want you out of that stage as much as you do. What's it going to take??

[HeavenOrHell]

Of course I wanted to seduce him but he would have run a mile, so I saved myself that humiliation, I had no choice but to walk away, seeing him became more painful than the thought of not seeing him in the end because he fancied other people. It wasn't a choice I wanted.

So now I am missing him because I have no contact with him anymore and that's why I'm upset, it's only been 2 weeks and will take some getting used to it, sorry if I can't automatically pretend I don't give a ****.

I asked for support because I've recently gone NC, plenty of others here ask for support when they go NC.

It wasn't a dreadful goodbye email, what a horrible thing to say, it took a lot of guts to write it and I'm glad I did, I didn't want to walk away on a horrible note.

I can't just snap my fingers and be over him, I'm doing my best and like I said it's easy for you to say, not that you've been in a very long term relationship or lost who you feel was the love of your life, so you haven't got a clue.

I don't think you read my last post re; moping.

 

Yes, but you didn't want to seduce him. You went the other direction. Wrote him one of those dreadful goodbye emails and then wrote him another one because you missed him.

 

Then you come on here asking for support? On what exactly? On your inability to get over him? Sorry, can't do it.

 

If you decided you want to get over him, get over him. I don't even care that you two were together for 18 years anymore. So were the couple in Haiti if you know what I mean. One was lost and the other has to keep going.

 

I'm not being unsympathetic to your situation, HoH. I'm being unsympathetic to your mopiness which hasn't budged since you started posting.

 

I want you out of that stage as much as you do. What's it going to take??

[HeavenOrHell]

Well done Ms.Joolie, I had a lovely evening out with a friend, came home, read your messages; reduced to tears, nice one.

[teanoranges]

Aw, Hoh, I don't think ms. joolie meant to make you feel bad... I think she was changing her approach to tough-love.

The approach beforehand obviously wasn't working... how many times did you attempt to go NC then send an email?

So maybe with this new approach of tough love, something might snap.

 

I'm sure 18 years is tough, but its not fair to anyone who has had their heart broken to suggest that their love was less important.

A broken heart is a broken heart, and there are plenty of people who were with someone longer who managed to pull through.

 

I think you really have to not focus on the healing so much as your own self. I sense some underlying esteem issues. You can't really heal unless you learn that you CAN heal...

until confidence comes back, I don't think anyone will believe that you'll be capable of withstanding NC.

 

Good luck and much love.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'd only attempted NC once before, in December, but 2 weeks ago is the first time I knew I had to try it again cos the pain of seeing him had become worse than the pain of not, I shouldn't have replied to him after he replied to my email but I haven't replied to his last one from a week ago.

Tough love doesn't work for me, I am already doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing to heal and NC is the final part of that, all I wanted was some support with maintaining NC, same as all the others who ask for help with NC.

I wanted enouragement, that's all.

 

 

 

Aw, Hoh, I don't think ms. joolie meant to make you feel bad... I think she was changing her approach to tough-love.

The approach beforehand obviously wasn't working... how many times did you attempt to go NC then send an email?

So maybe with this new approach of tough love, something might snap.

 

I'm sure 18 years is tough, but its not fair to anyone who has had their heart broken to suggest that their love was less important.

A broken heart is a broken heart, and there are plenty of people who were with someone longer who managed to pull through.

 

I think you really have to not focus on the healing so much as your own self. I sense some underlying esteem issues. You can't really heal unless you learn that you CAN heal...

until confidence comes back, I don't think anyone will believe that you'll be capable of withstanding NC.

 

Good luck and much love.

[DenverBachelor]

 

I'm not being unsympathetic to your situation, HoH. I'm being unsympathetic to your mopiness which hasn't budged since you started posting.

 

I want you out of that stage as much as you do. What's it going to take??

 

I agree with Joolie. I've seen a million posts by HoH where she highlights "I've been together for 18 years." Well this is the end and you need to accept it. I don't care if it was one year, five years, 18 years or fifty quadrillion years -- the present is gold while the past is tarnished steel. Your last couple weeks are the most important and your future years even more important.

 

So get over him and move on and stop all the nonsense. It is done and you need to accept it, HoH. I know it is tough love but these are the facts. He doesn't love you any more so why are you wasting so much time worrying about someone who doesn't spend any time thinking of you?

[HeavenOrHell]

Like I said earlier I wanted support maintaining NC that was all. Of course he thinks about me, he told me misses me, but I know what you meant.

 

 

 

I agree with Joolie. I've seen a million posts by HoH where she highlights "I've been together for 18 years." Well this is the end and you need to accept it. I don't care if it was one year, five years, 18 years or fifty quadrillion years -- the present is gold while the past is tarnished steel. Your last couple weeks are the most important and your future years even more important.

 

So get over him and move on and stop all the nonsense. It is done and you need to accept it, HoH. I know it is tough love but these are the facts. He doesn't love you any more so why are you wasting so much time worrying about someone who doesn't spend any time thinking of you?

[DenverBachelor]

Like I said earlier I wanted support maintaining NC that was all. Of course he thinks about me, he told me misses me, but I know what you meant.

 

He could build a monument of you but that would still speak volumes less than the fact that he isn't with you.

 

I suggested you remain NC long ago and you didn't want to do that.

[HeavenOrHell]

It didn't feel right to go NC months ago, as I said many times I wanted to see if there was any way we could rebuild, (or if it was possible to stay friends, I didn't know unless we tried) there was no chance of that if we had no contact, as I said before I don't regret not going NC before now, it was only when it reached the point it was more painful to see him than not to that NC was the right thing to do.

Ms.Joolie's message was insensitive, and totally lacking compassion.

It was far from helpful.

 

He could build a monument of you but that would still speak volumes less than the fact that he isn't with you.

 

I suggested you remain NC long ago and you didn't want to do that.

[Ms. Joolie]

Struggling this eve, feel angry with him for ending what was a wonderful relationship for so long. And angry with my ex mate who will be making the most of the fact that I'm out of the picture, well she's welcome to him.

 

Just wish I wasn't so lonely and depressed because I miss him so much.

 

This. ^ This is what we cannot support you with anymore, HoH. You've been telling us the same thing day in and day out. You've been telling yourself the same thing, too. When is it going to stop? When are YOU going to be the one to tell yourself a new message?

 

Have you even thought about what that new message is going to be??

 

 

....Write down all these bitter, resentful, depressing messages you are telling yourself and dishing out on LS. Write every single one of them down, and get them out of your head. Create a new message for yourself. Make the most of it.

 

Because you can't come on here expecting us to pat your back and support every depressive thing you tell yourself.

 

And now you want to bring in another woman, and feel bitter and resentful about that... ugh. You don't want to do anything about it either. So go NC since that is your decision, and forget about his new life. Start talking and thinking about yours.

 

Your new life is what we want to support you in, HoH.

[2sunny]

you will feel much better about YOURSELF when you take a proactive roll. this is called courage. it's hard, but worth it when you can be proud of yourself for doing what a big girl ought to do to take care of her own healthy life.

 

get into action, set a healthy boundary that will keep you happy, healthy and safe. be willing to stick with the boundary by your words and actions... this is hard - but so worth it. you will see your self respect and integrity return when you become willing to tell him that you won't take this anymore and that you deserve better than what he has been dishing out to you.

 

 

YOU have control over what happens to YOU... don't short change yourself from the happiness you deserve.

Edited February 17, 2010 by 2sunny