Ex's email

[HeavenOrHell]

It took courage to stop contact, but I did it, I wanted support this week with keeping no contact that was all.

 

you will feel much better about YOURSELF when you take a proactive roll. this is called courage. it's hard, but worth it when you can be proud of yourself for doing what a big girl ought to do to take care of her own healthy life.

 

get into action, set a healthy boundary that will keep you happy, healthy and safe. be willing to stick with the boundary by your words and actions... this is hard - but so worth it. you will see your self respect and integrity return when you become willing to tell him that you won't take this anymore and that you deserve better than what he has been dishing out to you.

 

 

YOU have control over what happens to YOU... don't short change yourself from the happiness you deserve.

[HeavenOrHell]

How do you mean "you don't want to do anything about it either." There isn't anything I can do about him being interested in other women, other than have no contact with him which I'm already doing now.

I had no choice in the end but to go no contact as he clearly didn't want us to try again, are you still implying I should have seduced him, and cos I didn't I have to live with the consequences?

It worked for you but we are not in the same situation.

He knew how I felt about him, I told him last time I saw him.

 

 

 

 

And now you want to bring in another woman, and feel bitter and resentful about that... ugh. You don't want to do anything about it either. So go NC since that is your decision, and forget about his new life. Start talking and thinking about yours.

 

Your new life is what we want to support you in, HoH.

[sean1970]

How do you mean "you don't want to do anything about it either." There isn't anything I can do about him being interested in other women, other than have no contact with him which I'm already doing now.

I had no choice in the end but to go no contact as he clearly didn't want us to try again, are you still implying I should have seduced him, and cos I didn't I have to live with the consequences?

It worked for you but we are not in the same situation.

He knew how I felt about him, I told him last time I saw him.

 

Its hard to believe that seduction was even mentioned to you but...

 

What does NC mean to you HoH? If he sent you a casual eMail asking how things were going, would you answer? If he wanted to have lunch, called you on your birthday, send you a holiday card, what would you do?

[Ms. Joolie]

How do you mean "you don't want to do anything about it either." There isn't anything I can do about him being interested in other women, other than have no contact with him which I'm already doing now.

I had no choice in the end but to go no contact as he clearly didn't want us to try again, are you still implying I should have seduced him, and cos I didn't I have to live with the consequences?

It worked for you but we are not in the same situation.

He knew how I felt about him, I told him last time I saw him.

 

Keep telling yourself there isn't anything you can do about him being interested in another woman. That's fine. If you don't see the possibilities of what you can do, then there is nothing for you to do.

 

So you choose to go NC. That's great. That is right for you then.

 

All I suggest now then is that you take on a great attitude as you go NC. STOP telling yourself how sad, alone and depressed you are.

 

You are NOT!

 

You are single and free, and you have a great life to live. Life has so much to offer you if you just open yourself up to it now. So WHAT if 'he' lives in the same town. Learn to laugh at yourself, learn to laugh along with life. Take this struggle of yours and come out on top!

 

 

....if anything, just don't allow yourself to keep repeating the message over and over again of how sad, alone, depressed or WHATEVER you are.

 

It's up to you to change that tune.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well I guess it worked for her

 

NC means no contact at all of any kind, in hindsight I should have said to him don't reply when I sent my email saying I want no contact, cos I did get sucked back in very briefly to emails, I didn't reply to his last one a week ago, so that's it now It was insensitive of him to ask if we could email each other.

I doubt he would email me again as I sounded cold in my last one, ie bog off and leave me alone now. If he did then I would be annoyed as he isn't respecting me. I would hope I wouldn't be stupid enough to reply. He wants us to be in touch, but what is the point, what does he want to chat about, my ex friend he's seeing?! Or talk about the weather?!

I'm looking into moving away from this tiny town where there's no escape from him, ugh, I don't want him anywhere near me. He's hoping I'll want to be friends after time apart, ha! Dream on love.

 

Its hard to believe that seduction was even mentioned to you but...

 

What does NC mean to you HoH? If he sent you a casual eMail asking how things were going, would you answer? If he wanted to have lunch, called you on your birthday, send you a holiday card, what would you do?

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't get why you think seduction would have been a good idea for me? Surely it's glaringly obvious to anyone I would have got big fat rejection with bells on?!! "Ill always love you but our time as partners is over." Is quite a big clue.

Sure last week he said "I miss our intimacy terribly." But he knows how I feel about him (I told him last time I saw him and in my email) and he's not here is he.

I wouldn't say NC is right for me, feels like no choice cos he doesn't want me, it's never right to be apart from him.

 

Keep telling yourself there isn't anything you can do about him being interested in another woman. That's fine. If you don't see the possibilities of what you can do, then there is nothing for you to do.

 

So you choose to go NC. That's great. That is right for you then.

 

All I suggest now then is that you take on a great attitude as you go NC. STOP telling yourself how sad, alone and depressed you are.

 

You are NOT!

 

You are single and free, and you have a great life to live. Life has so much to offer you if you just open yourself up to it now. So WHAT if 'he' lives in the same town. Learn to laugh at yourself, learn to laugh along with life. Take this struggle of yours and come out on top!

 

 

....if anything, just don't allow yourself to keep repeating the message over and over again of how sad, alone, depressed or WHATEVER you are.

 

It's up to you to change that tune.

[Ms. Joolie]

I don't get why you think seduction would have been a good idea for me?

 

You're right. It was a terrible idea for you, just terrible. Absurd that you could be desirable again to him, just outrageous for you to play sexy.

 

OMG! What was I thinking?!?

 

...it was just something outside your box. It wasn't for you, but I wasn't going to not suggest it either.

 

 

In my most humble opinion, I believe NC isn't right for you. You live in the same freakin' small town, for crying out loud. lol. You'll have to ignore this man, but not snub him like some petty, immature brat. You're going to have to live with it. He has the upper hand her because he's not telling himself how depressed he is.

 

If you decide to move, that means you can't handle it there with him. That's fine. But you'll take that with you all your life.

 

 

Just STOP letting him have the upper hand. RECLAIM your life. Fix your attitude about all this, and get a positive outlook on things.

 

You've been hurting for way too long because you aren't taking away what's hurting you.... YOU. You are doing this to yourself now. The break up is long over and gone with, only YOUR THOUGHTS are dragging you down now.

 

 

Change your thoughts. Get some fresh air on all this. Think new, great things about yourself and your life ahead. Take a vacation from how you've been living/thinking/feeling. If you do so, you won't want to go back to the old you.

[GrayClouds]

You're right. It was a terrible idea for you, just terrible. Absurd that you could be desirable again to him, just outrageous for you to play sexy.

 

OMG! What was I thinking?!?

 

Yes it was, truly terrible. Using sex for manipulation shows disregard to others, an ignorance of true intimacy and more then a bit of selfish immaturity. Yes it makes good Soap Opera but not so good real life.

 

But the good news is HoH you recognized it for what it was, terrible idea, and by doing so you also recognized that "seduction light"; being his friend, ckeeping communication oper was to a terrible idea too.

 

In my most humble opinion, I believe NC isn't right for you. You live in the same freakin' small town, for crying out loud. lol. You'll have to ignore this man, but not snub him like some petty, immature brat. You're going to have to live with it. He has the upper hand her because he's not telling himself how depressed he is.

 

I suspect not so humble and, again not so good. NC reflect someone putting themselves first, understand that it is their responsibility to take care of themselves. It is not about snubbing another, it is simply not about any one but themselves. In fact there is no upper hand (to suggest so is unhealthy in itself for it belittle the complexity of emotional attachment) because that would suggest there is some competition.

 

It is a first step in changing your thoughts from them to you and understanding their are actions you can do to help you heal, that in time leads to additional thoughtful changes.

 

The break up is long over and gone with, only YOUR THOUGHTS are dragging you down now.

 

(Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then...)

 

HoH change your thoughts and you change your feelings.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks GC

[Ms. Joolie]

Yes it was, truly terrible. Using sex for manipulation shows disregard to others, an ignorance of true intimacy and more then a bit of selfish immaturity. Yes it makes good Soap Opera but not so good real life.

 

I'll never hear the end of it, it seems. Okay, fine. Let's go back. In one of her recent threads, HoH said that she was going to see the ex the next week.

 

um, Hello??? lol

 

I know. I know. If there aren't sparks anymore, there just aren't sparks anymore. I wasn't suggesting 'manipulation', only that she be sexy and desirable again, that she be open and available to that. I was trying to see if it was at all possible for her to be daring and get what she wants, to work it out, to take a risk for what she wants. I was encouraging her that it was okay to make the first move under this circumstance if that's what she wanted. But she doesn't, and that's fine.

 

She fears rejection, so ok.

 

In fact, if she can't do her part to get the sparks going then she really needs to give up. It's useless crying over the situation anymore.

 

The relationship isn't there, HoH. Just let him go.

 

 

In fact there is no upper hand (to suggest so is unhealthy in itself for it belittle the complexity of emotional attachment) because that would suggest there is some competition.

 

I'm not suggestion any competition with 'him'. She needs to get the upper hand in her life, and she can't let circumstances around her - or people - have that upper hand. She needs to take the ownership and the responsibility of her life, of her happiness, of her fulfillment. She is not causing things to happen right now as much as she is reacting to the past.

[GrayClouds]

I'll never hear the end of it, it seems. Okay, fine. Let's go back. In one of her recent threads, HoH said that she was going to see the ex the next week.

 

um, Hello??? lol

 

I know. I know. If there aren't sparks anymore, there just aren't sparks anymore. I wasn't suggesting 'manipulation',

 

Actually you did. If one has state their postion and another attempts influence that position through indirect or in unfair manner, that is manipulation. Using sex for control, such as "catching someone" or changing their mind about being in a relationship, is a perfect example.

 

That is exactly what you suggested, it may not have been your intent but you did.

only that she be sexy and desirable again, that she be open and available to that. I was trying to see if it was at all possible for her to be daring and get what she wants, to work it out, to take a risk for what she wants. I was encouraging her that it was okay to make the first move under this circumstance if that's what she wanted. But she doesn't, and that's fine.

 

She fears rejection, so ok.

 

In fact, if she can't do her part to get the sparks going then she really needs to give up. It's useless crying over the situation anymore.

 

I'm not suggestion any competition with 'him'. She needs to get the upper hand in her life, and she can't let circumstances around her - or people - have that upper hand.

 

But you did, and just did again. Any internal struggle she or anyone eslse has in letting go simply has no association to any external stimuli. To suggest he has the upper hand articulates there is something external that effect her healing, it suggest he has control. To suggest that it does implies success has some dependence on the other to achieve the goal. Her happiness is all in her hand. I suspect we are in agreement on that fact, but in your desire to communicate that you bring focus back on to her EX rather then her.

 

The relationship isn't there, HoH.

 

But this here, we are in agreement.

[Ms. Joolie]

Fine,sex is manipulation. Ok. BUT I ONLY MEANT WELL! NO REALLY!!

 

You know what???

 

 

....Well done, GrayClouds, well done. I had a lovely evening out with a friend, came home, read your messages; reduced to tears, nice one.

 

 

 

 

:p:p jk. HoH, don't kill me. Best wishes. In spite of my outrageous, dramatic input sometimes, I really do mean well.

[DenverBachelor]

HoH, I don't think Joolie was being insensitive. I think what you need is a real kick in your complacency.

 

You're not the only one here who has lost, but some people who have lost realize that we need to pick up the pieces from the past and integrate it into who we are -- the positive aspects of the love we once shared but lost.

 

Life is a journey and one of the hardest things in life is losing someone we care deeply for and love deeply. Sometimes it is a family member that dies and we just have to let go and smile at the better memories we shared. Another aspect is losing a non-family member that we accepted into our hearts but left us for whatever reason they thought was a good one. We didn't have a choice in the matter because a relationship takes two people that stand by each other. Once one person in that relationship lets go, we need to eventually let go -- the timing is never right. There will always be someone in the relationship that was willing to stick it out and when that person isn't the one we dated, we feel abandoned.

 

You could flip a coin once and call it. But if you flip it a thousand times, you're going to be wrong around half. That's what happens in relationships -- we're putting our heart out there in the hopes that the person we love will call heads if we call heads. Sometimes they call tails, and that's it. You can sit there alone and keep flipping but it isn't going to change anything. You know?

 

Some things in life will always be a craps shoot. We'd hate to think that love would fall victim to probabilities or statistics. We'd like to think that the person we invest our love in would also see love as far more than just chemicals, genetics or some temporal walk through the chaos of eternity.

 

You need to accept the present. That's something you haven't done yet. Regardless of what you say or think, this is the truth. I can understand not wanting to let go, because I was in the very same position for about a month after my own breakup. But at some point, you need to just exhale and let go of the emotions, love and confusion.

 

Once you can do that, you'll see how much easier it is to just breathe and be the person you've always been before you dated him -- even if it was 18 years ago.

 

I'm not trying to be a dick, but this is the truth and you just need to let go, exhale and accept the present. We won't always know why life throws us the challenges it does, but we must be man or woman enough to overcome them regardless of the investments we made beforehand.

 

Time stretches both into the future and past, but we as humans will always be walking the tight rope of the present. If you look down and don't see the safety net below you anymore, you have to keep walking forward. If you do fall, it does hurt, but we're stronger than death and stronger than the death of a relationship.

 

So for the love of God, keep walking and get to the other side.

 

This, too, will pass.

Edited February 18, 2010 by DenverBachelor

[mickleb]

If you do fall, it does hurt, but we're stronger than death and stronger than the death of a relationship. So for the love of God, keep walking and get to the other side.

 

Well, I really don't believe I'm stronger than death, myself. So those words would probably make me feel more alone, if I were back in HoH's position.

 

And I would also be highly irritated by your suggestions I seduce my ex or your comparison of my situation to Haiti, Ms. J.

 

Doesn't mean that either of you are being insensitive. Might mean that your suggestions are just not as helpful as you'd wish them to be. But that's part of the job for anyone who chooses to offer support to someone on here, isn't it? Yes. It can get frustrating if someone doesn't 'heal' as quickly as we'd hope they would. But some people just don't and there are a myriad of reasons why.

 

I suspect, for HoH, 18 years is a f*cking massive deal. I suspect the same would be true for me, had I managed to sustain a relationship so long, myself.

 

The world is a different place to the one it was when HoH entered into her relationship with her ex. She may well have forgotten most of who she was before this time. She certainly may not be able to trust, yet, in the benefits of therapy. And clearly, she is not able to trust in herself, just yet. (Plus, she's British - and there's *almost* nothing more therapeutic for us Brits than to just have a big old moan to a complete bunch of strangers. That's how we deal with queuing so well, eh, HoH?)

 

H, me dear. I guess what everyone wants - and what you want too - is to get to know who you are, NOW. Who you CAN be, in the future, without him. That, I suspect, is why you went NC on him? You have done really, really well to get this far. Some people in your situation would not be able to do that in six months, so I want you to pat yourself on the back, again, for doing so.

 

You want to maintain it. So do we want you to. So, try your very best, please. (I know you are.) And embrace that anger I hear, now, in your voice. Hang onto that mother - it will give you strength and lift you up, form time to time. (If there's one thing I would be grateful to Ms. J for, it would be for encouraging a bit of wrath in you! Nothing wrong with a bit of wrath when someone's made you feel so bloody awful - and I'm talking about the ex, here - it is him you should direct your *silent* weapons at - and no, I'm NOT talking seduction!)

 

Do all the things I know you are doing to continue with your OWN life. And, come here when it gets tough because that's why this place exists. But do heed some of what is written here, with your best intentions in mind.

 

You will, after a triumphant bout of that delicious anger you're sipping on, probably get tired of the rollercoaster. Really, really tired. You will, probably, get tired of thinking about him. At all, full stop. Then, my dear, you will be ready to let go. You will want to. You will choose to. With every ounce of energy left in your exhausted body, you will find a way to push him out of your heart. To push every hurtful thought away. You will find a fire, or something, that burns really strongly, inside you that he - you realise - can never touch: because you REFUSE to let him. (There are a couple of exercises in the book that helped me, I hope they will help you, too. Chapter 2, I think.)

 

You may find, if you want sympathy, that you get more of it, here, if you post about the positive things you mention you are doing - and that I know you've been up to. So, to some extent, you have it within your control to receive that, if that's what you most need.

 

All my best to you, H. This is NOT easy.

 

x

[HeavenOrHell]

Big thank you mickleb, VERY helpful post as ever and MUCH appreciated

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks DB and GC, I appreciate your input, suggestions, insight and advice. I'm doing ok with NC, not tempted to break it, any thoughts of my ex now are mostly angry ones which is helping me. When he comes into my thoughts I make myself think of something else and tell myself there's no point dwelling on it anymore, especially what he is up to and with who, no point in torturing myself, and I'm bored with thinking about it all now

Ms.Joolie when I bump into my ex I'm not petty or anything like that, he's not committed a crime after all, I wave, or say hi and keep walking, he knows why I can't/won't stop and chat and he's respecting that.

[GrayClouds]

Thanks DB and GC, I appreciate your input, suggestions, insight and advice. I'm doing ok with NC, not tempted to break it, any thoughts of my ex now are mostly angry ones which is helping me. When he comes into my thoughts I make myself think of something else and tell myself there's no point dwelling on it anymore, especially what he is up to and with who, no point in torturing myself, and I'm bored with thinking about it all now

Ms.Joolie when I bump into my ex I'm not petty or anything like that, he's not committed a crime after all, I wave, or say hi and keep walking, he knows why I can't/won't stop and chat and he's respecting that.

 

 

Very nice post.

[HeavenOrHell]

Just need to erase the most recent images which are of my ex mate on top of my ex with her big boobs (mine aren't ) and him saying to her what he's been missing out on all those years by being with me But I don't even know if it's true, I don't think he would say such a thing to her as it disrespects me and he's not like that, but if it IS true then that just makes me angry and makes me think I'm better off without him...so I've turned the worst thing into a positive

There's just no point on dwelling on crap like that.

I think of him less and less now

[GrayClouds]

Just need to erase the most recent images which are of my ex mate on top of my ex with her big boobs (mine aren't ) and him saying to her what he's been missing out on all those years by being with me But I don't even know if it's true, I don't think he would say such a thing to her as it disrespects me and he's not like that, but if it IS true then that just makes me angry and makes me think I'm better off without him...so I've turned the worst thing into a positive

There's just no point on dwelling on crap like that.

I think of him less and less now

 

 

Very happy for you, keep up the good work.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you GC