Why does she do it??

[aimchase]

Ok, so I recently posted my situation here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220498/

 

I spoke to the ex in the week to arrange picking up the kids. She said they'd be round her mother's, which is sometimes the case and of no issue. She said however that she had a course induction at a shopping mall this afternoon and would hope to be back in time to hand over the kids along with her mother.

 

Again - whatever! I called her this morning to ensure a few things were packed which I know the kids like. She said that's fine and that she's working hard revising for her test. This already has BS written all over it. They don't do course inductions at the shopping mall and they don't generally give you tests at inductions - inductions are where you've already started the course and most likely passed any preliminary tests.

 

I turned up to get the kids, and she's not there. Again, it doesn't matter. What does however, is that there was no course, she's just taken the opportunity to go away for the weekend early and left them with her mother. I know this for a fact.

 

I asked her mother if the ex was about, to which she said that she was on her way back. Therefore, the mother is also briefed to be covering things up!

 

I don't get it for a number of reasons:

 

1. I knew she was going away anyway (though a bit later) so why didn't she just say when she would be leaving? There would never be an issue with it!

 

2. Why tell me about this course? I wished her luck for this and it really grates me that it's all a load of horses**t! What's the objective?

 

3. What's she telling her mother, whereby even she feels the need to lie? If she said the ex had left I wouldn't have batted an eyelid - it's up to her!

 

I'm sick of the constant lies, they're happening all the time and I can't explain the reasons. She frequently tells me that she's going to hospitals/doctors for various tests and possible procedures, yet nothing ever happens. She tells me events of various things that never happened, both long ago and recent. She's even told me before that the kids are ill when they are not. She tells me that men are stalking her when they're not. It's just one lie after another to paint herself, usually, as a victim. All so often she ends up contradicting herself and digs an even bigger hole. Her way out then is to get aggressive and distant, labelling me the SOB for not showing understanding and trust!

 

She does have mental issues but I just cannot come round to why she feels the need to fabricate everything and dish out a constant stream of fantasy. If she's honest then there would never be a problem - it just hurts me that she continues to tell ridiculous lies, constantly, despite my position of being the father of our kids.

 

She has always had a history of lying, she was pretty bad when we first met but after finding it wasn't getting her far, she stopped and got much better. Now she's back to the full-on bulls***er again! Is this her mental situation going off the scale? It would also describe the sudden obsession with messaging every man with two eyes and a nose on dating sites!

 

Sorry, this just really gets me. She can do what she likes but when you're constantly lied to, illness or not, it really makes you feel like a used piece o s**t.

 

Sorryfor my language - hope the asterisks are an acceptable censor!

[mimidarlin]

Does she think she's lying? I am on your side when it comes to telling the truth. Why lie to hide something that you knew already? You mentioned that she has mental issues and a history of lying. Her lies are so detailed that I wonder if she believes them herself. Maybe she is living in a fantasy and convincing herself of these facts.

 

I would worry about her mental health and how it might affect the children. If she is delusional and believes people are stalking her then she might believe anything.

 

This is a very awful reference but a father recently attacked and killed his son in my area. He was a physician and a strong member of his church. He had a history of psychological issues though. He believed the devil was in his young son. He heard voices and thought there were conspiracies everywhere. If your ex has bipolar disorder or something similar that is untreated it can lead to these symptoms.

 

So sorry for referencing this story but I believe that you should consult your lawyer about having the ex evaluated.

[aimchase]

Mimi, you've raised a very big issue which I haven't mentioned.

 

I'm not sure about Bipolar - it's borderline, but i'm sure she suffers from a personality disorder. I've already raised the issue of care of the children but to her credit, she's very good at looking after them. She's far more naturally eqipped than me to impose a domestic routine and take general care of them, and she loves them dearly.

 

However, like you, I have concerns that the children will slowly recognise the constant lying and odd behaviour, will consider it 'the norm', and will follow suit. The problem is, i'm already aware that in the eyes of the court (i'm in the UK), she will be considered a fit mother and in all honesty, she is a very good mother in so many ways and doesn't deserve to lose them.

 

My concerns aren't how she looks after the children, but how she looks after herself. And that causes a real problem, as it's hard to distance yourself from someone (whether for the purposes of moving on or discovering the chances of reconciliation), as constantly in the mind is a worry that she's doing questionable things which will indirectly affect them.

 

The magic words which many people have said to me is 'to look after your children, you have to look after yourself'. But when they reside mostly with the mother, in order to ensure the children are in good hands I also have to ensure the ex is looking after herself. It's so difficult to reach a blance where i'm getting my own time but also keeping an eye on the kids and the ex. She knows i'm always ready to rescue a situation that gets out of hand, as I have to be in order to ensure my children are safe. But it so hurts me that she takes this for granted and then uses me by pursuing her spontaneous but unsustainable desires (presently flirting online to strangers which concerns me as to who may have concerning charactersitics such as domestic violence or at worst, paedophilia), and leaving me as the backup plan when things go wrong. That said, despite her bizarre behavior there is a head screwed on to an extent where she always looks after the children first.

 

I'm learning ways to deal with her. Rather than question her lies and criticise her for them (as I always have done in the past), i'm now not even talking about them. If she raises something which I feel is a fib, i'll dismiss it and not want to talk about it. This action is recent though and i'm yet to truly discovers how it works, but that's the plan I intend to stick to. If she doesn't gain a reaction from what she says, then hopefully she'll see no gain in saying them in the first place.

 

Does she believe her lies? She's quick to admit fabrication if she's retracting so therefore deep down she knows it's fantasy. But an unquestioned lie? I really don't know what goes on in her head.

 

Thanks

 

Aim