30 years

[feelingfine]

Zippy, I am in a similar situation. My husband of 16 years left me and our three kids about 9 months ago to start a new life. I agree, separation isn't always a bad thing (this is our first) but when you know they are spending all their time with someone new it just adds a horrible pain. Therapy helps...lord knows I have used it for all of these months. My kids are 14, 11 and 8. They are adapting pretty well to all of this. They do NOT know about the other woman. I wish you healing and peace!

[zippy's login]

I was thinking about you and your sitch Zippy, and just wanted to check in with you. The best advice I have for you and the feelings you're dealing with, and the hardest to take and to put into practice, is to detach to the point that nothing either of them say or do effects you one way or the other. Sounds impossible, but it isn't. At first, you start out by pretending it doesn't effect you. Fake it until you make it. But the time will come when you don't have to fake it anymore. Detach, detach, detach.

 

Don't be tempted to do anything stupid. Judges hate angry dads. Don't even do or say anything that could be taken as a threat. Any advantage you have now regarding custody of your kids can be swept away in an instant with one crazy stunt. Don't go there.

 

You want revenge? Be happy. It'll drive her batsh*t crazy, trust me. And tell the OM's wife. Not for revenge, like I said, but nonetheless you might take some satisfaction in the nuclear detonation that follows.

 

Calm, cool, collected, and confidant.

 

You file for divorce yet?

 

Hey GT. I'm doing pretty well. The OM has moved in with my wife into a little apt in the city. Guess she was serious. I'm doing pretty well and surprisingly don't really miss her that often - I guess it was meant to be just not this way. My 11yr old is taking it real hard and for that I could throttle the ex but I'm keeping my head and trying to get the little guy through it. the 15yr and 18yr will talk to the ex but are still mad. Since the ex is staying with this guy my 11yr can't visit her overnight. In fact, I'm not even letting my son near the SOB.

 

I have not filed for divorce yet - I guess I'm not really in a hurry. Maybe when I want to start seeing other people I might. Wife can't file on me because I've not done anything wrong - I live in an at-fault state.

[zippy's login]

Zippy, I am in a similar situation. My husband of 16 years left me and our three kids about 9 months ago to start a new life. I agree, separation isn't always a bad thing (this is our first) but when you know they are spending all their time with someone new it just adds a horrible pain. Therapy helps...lord knows I have used it for all of these months. My kids are 14, 11 and 8. They are adapting pretty well to all of this. They do NOT know about the other woman. I wish you healing and peace!

 

Thanks for the thoughts. Got to keep on rolling.....

[GorillaTheater]

Hey GT. I'm doing pretty well. The OM has moved in with my wife into a little apt in the city. Guess she was serious. I'm doing pretty well and surprisingly don't really miss her that often - I guess it was meant to be just not this way. My 11yr old is taking it real hard and for that I could throttle the ex but I'm keeping my head and trying to get the little guy through it. the 15yr and 18yr will talk to the ex but are still mad. Since the ex is staying with this guy my 11yr can't visit her overnight. In fact, I'm not even letting my son near the SOB.

 

I have not filed for divorce yet - I guess I'm not really in a hurry. Maybe when I want to start seeing other people I might. Wife can't file on me because I've not done anything wrong - I live in an at-fault state.

 

Yeah, the kids. The ones who did the least to deserve this but will be hurt the most. And your wife, at this point, probably couldn't care less. The time will come when she tries to rebuild the relationship with them and she'll run head first into a solid wall of anger. The kids are confused now, but the anger will (increasingly) come and come hard. You might want to consider getting the bunch of them into IC.

 

I guess there's no point in contacting the OM's wife; she's doubtless in the loop now. Now, if you were to spend time with her, offering each other mutual condolences, that would be another matter entirely.

 

At-fault state, eh? How about alienation of affections? Only about 8 or 9 states where that's a cause of action, but might be worth considering if that's an option where you're at. At least the depositions would be fun.

 

Sounds like you're handling this about as well as anyone could. My hat's off to you, man.

[zippy's login]

Yeah, the kids. The ones who did the least to deserve this but will be hurt the most. And your wife, at this point, probably couldn't care less. The time will come when she tries to rebuild the relationship with them and she'll run head first into a solid wall of anger. The kids are confused now, but the anger will (increasingly) come and come hard. You might want to consider getting the bunch of them into IC.

 

I guess there's no point in contacting the OM's wife; she's doubtless in the loop now. Now, if you were to spend time with her, offering each other mutual condolences, that would be another matter entirely.

 

At-fault state, eh? How about alienation of affections? Only about 8 or 9 states where that's a cause of action, but might be worth considering if that's an option where you're at. At least the depositions would be fun.

 

Sounds like you're handling this about as well as anyone could. My hat's off to you, man.

 

Thanks GT. The kids. It's weird - the family keeps on going without missing much of a beat (except my bad cooking). The ex comes by after school in the PM and that seems to help the 11yr old. The older ones could seem to care less. I won't stand in her way of ever seeing the kids except if the SOB is around - I made that crystal clear. We start family therapy Thursday night.

 

I spoke to the OM's wife tonight. SOB is a real loser. This isn't the first time he's left her. When he left Sat he told her he needed some space for 2-3 weeks. He hardly packed anything. I'm afraid the ex is going to be in for a rude awakening. Part of me feels sorry and part of me thinks she deserves it.

 

 

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

Zippy

[You Go Girl]

Thanks GT. The kids. It's weird - the family keeps on going without missing much of a beat (except my bad cooking). The ex comes by after school in the PM and that seems to help the 11yr old. The older ones could seem to care less. I won't stand in her way of ever seeing the kids except if the SOB is around - I made that crystal clear. We start family therapy Thursday night.

 

I spoke to the OM's wife tonight. SOB is a real loser. This isn't the first time he's left her. When he left Sat he told her he needed some space for 2-3 weeks. He hardly packed anything. I'm afraid the ex is going to be in for a rude awakening. Part of me feels sorry and part of me thinks she deserves it.

 

 

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

Zippy

 

Zippy--what a level headed guy you seem to be, kudos to you! Keep that chin up, we're all here supporting you.

OM only asked for a few weeks of space? Isn't that a tell-all! Your wife is definitely in for a rude awakening, there's no doubt, I'm 100% this will end for her in tragedy.

You can feel sorry for her and she still deserves it at the same time, you know. Those two emotions can and do logically co-exist. And they're both spot-on.

I'd be thinking about what your plans are when she comes crawling begging back.

Ask the therapist about those older two kids talking to the younger one. The young one may share more with siblings than with you. Ask them to be helpful to him, remind them that he is taking it the worst of the three of them. But you need to do a one on one with each one of them to not only gauge how each one is taking it, but to connect with each one of them on the issue as their dad.

Also Sit them all down, and say, well guys--it's only us right now, feels weird doesn't it? Then look each one in the eye and wait to see who responds. It would be good for you to openly talk about this with them. Just tiptoe around everybody's feelings. They're so raw right now as a group too, without the counselor, who is a stranger to them.

I think the worst thing a parent can do is act like nothing has changed, when obviously everything has changed. Good for you for scheduling counseling.

[Jeff1962]

I will probably catch a lot of flack for this but here goes.

 

Hook up with the OM's W. Have some drinks and have screw the both of them sex. Why not? They did it. I'm not one for vengence but hey, you both might be able to laugh about it and enjoy it at the same time.

 

Just a thought.

[stillafool]

I will probably catch a lot of flack for this but here goes.

 

Hook up with the OM's W. Have some drinks and have screw the both of them sex. Why not? They did it. I'm not one for vengence but hey, you both might be able to laugh about it and enjoy it at the same time.

 

Just a thought.

 

 

I think this idea is perfect! I feel for you Zippy. Hopefully soon, your emotions will move past wanting her back. She doesn't deserve a man like you.

[zippy's login]

I will probably catch a lot of flack for this but here goes.

 

Hook up with the OM's W. Have some drinks and have screw the both of them sex. Why not? They did it. I'm not one for vengence but hey, you both might be able to laugh about it and enjoy it at the same time.

 

Just a thought.

 

 

Ha thought about it. I got to stay clean though. This might get ugly.

[You Go Girl]

and when you do it you have to *accidentally* call her on your cell so that they can listen to the sounds of carnal passion...

[zippy's login]

So I talked to the ex today - thought I would try to set aside some of the anger and hurt and set up some quality time for the kids with her. Went pretty well. I was feeling pretty good. Went to a group session tonight and realized that there are people worse off than me. Then all of the sudden the anger came back. Hard. I'm pissed that she cheated on me. I'm pissed that she left the kids. I'm pissed that she's going to probably try and get custody and it's going to get ugly. I'm pissed that I can't concentrate at work. I'm pissed that my 15yr old is pissed all of the time. I'm pissed because I'm home tonight and she's out being the tramp she is. I quit drinking 11 years ago last Sept and I'm tempted but I won't. I did buy a pack of smokes. In my younger days I loved to get into fights and I feel like going to the SOB and taking his head off - but I won't because I can't end up in jail then I'll never keep the kids. I never thought I would feel such contempt for my wife. I'm guessing this is normal and I'm praying that it will go away.

 

Sorry for the dump.

 

Zippy

[Gunny376]

It will your still ~ with time. Your still very much caught up in the grieving process. And as you go through the five stages you will find that you will osculate back and forth between the five stages. Such as tonight when you osculated from acceptance (at least partial) back to the anger stage.

 

You should know that after I retired from the Marine Corps I became a full time student and gained access to Nexus-Lexus a paid subscriber data base. I wrote some papers in college on the subject of divorce.

 

I found that in 90 % of divorce cases the mother gets full or sole custody. Primarily because the father can't, doesn't want full custody.

 

But in the 10% of the cases where the father seeks full custody? They're awarded full or sole custody 90% of the time.

 

The prime concern of most divorce courts is the welfare of the children. All the more so if they're under the age of being a pre-teen.

 

Your thinking right about keeping your honor, reputation and image Mr. Clean sparkling clean.

 

Hang in there buddy ~ it gets better with time ~ time heals all wounds.

[Jeff1962]

So I talked to the ex today - thought I would try to set aside some of the anger and hurt and set up some quality time for the kids with her. Went pretty well. I was feeling pretty good. Went to a group session tonight and realized that there are people worse off than me. Then all of the sudden the anger came back. Hard. I'm pissed that she cheated on me. I'm pissed that she left the kids. I'm pissed that she's going to probably try and get custody and it's going to get ugly. I'm pissed that I can't concentrate at work. I'm pissed that my 15yr old is pissed all of the time. I'm pissed because I'm home tonight and she's out being the tramp she is. I quit drinking 11 years ago last Sept and I'm tempted but I won't. I did buy a pack of smokes. In my younger days I loved to get into fights and I feel like going to the SOB and taking his head off - but I won't because I can't end up in jail then I'll never keep the kids. I never thought I would feel such contempt for my wife. I'm guessing this is normal and I'm praying that it will go away.

 

Sorry for the dump.

 

Zippy

 

 

First of all keep your head. 11 years of sobriety is nothing to just cast aside especially over a cheating woman. I tip my hat to you sir for your commitment of remaining sober. This commitment IS well worth the effort. Do not allow this to destroy you.

 

Honestly dude, you'll live with this. It will get easier but you will not forget. You have to move on with your life. I cannot imagine how it would feel to have my wife leave/cheat on me with another man.

 

I simply ask that you do not throw yourself away over all of this. Your sobriety. Call me whatever you wish for not being in the same shoes and offering advise but we only have ourselves in this life and it is only with ourselves in which we each must reside.

[feelingfine]

zippy, I am in a similar situation...married 16 years and one day my stbx literally comes home and says he wants to move out to see if he can feel anything for me or anyone else. Denied an affair, but of course it came out a few months later.

 

Time is the only thing I see on our side now. Get some therapy, it has really helped me. How they can just leave a life I will never understand.

 

Hang in there

[zippy's login]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to update and let ya'll know that we are moving along. The kids are still having a tough time and one of the kids is going to require intensive help. That starts next week. I've been NC since last Sat and must admit I don't miss the ex. She has very little contact with the kids but I'm sure she's having fun. One day she's going to realize what she's done and it's going to hit her hard - but I don't suspect that will happen any time soon. I'm going to the lawyer on Monday and I'm going to see what my options are about legally having custody of the kids. Once I get this settled I'm going to sue for divorce and get this thing ended and move on I hope.

 

Thanks to everyone for their support and help.

 

Zippy

[2.50 a gallon]

Zippy

 

When those tornadic waves of anger come crashing over you, try to concentrate on the kids.

 

They need you now, more than ever.

[mimidarlin]

Zippy,

I wish you luck with the custody issue. You've probably been told but make sure you've documented all of this behavior. You're wife moving out. Having OM there. You setting the standard for him being absent if the youngest is going there. Document that you tried to arrange for her to spend more quality time with the kids. It's important that you initiated it.

 

Did you initiate the counseling sessions for the children? What I mean is ...your idea/wife's/both?

 

It seems like you have the best interest of the children in mind for all of your actions. You need to fight for full custody but at the minimum..50%.

[zippy's login]

Zippy,

I wish you luck with the custody issue. You've probably been told but make sure you've documented all of this behavior. You're wife moving out. Having OM there. You setting the standard for him being absent if the youngest is going there. Document that you tried to arrange for her to spend more quality time with the kids. It's important that you initiated it.

 

Did you initiate the counseling sessions for the children? What I mean is ...your idea/wife's/both?

 

It seems like you have the best interest of the children in mind for all of your actions. You need to fight for full custody but at the minimum..50%.

 

All I want is very simple. I want my kids to be raised with a good moral balance and love and respect for everyone.

 

You know I don't have the hate in my heart for this. I let it go tonight. I am at peace for the first time in weeks.

 

Zippy

Edited March 7, 2010 by zippy's login

[GorillaTheater]

Any updates, Zippy?

[zippy's login]

Any updates, Zippy?

 

Sorry - been a little busy lately. Filed for divorce yesterday. There is no other way. I feel so bad for the kids. She and I have agreed to try this uncontested and she has agreed to give me 280/80 custody of the kids. I'm hopng to have this signed and filed next week. We'll split the $$ next - should be fun.