Wife cheated, not sure if she loves me, wants space

[marting]

Not sure if this is the right forum for this, but here goes:

 

A month ago, I found out that my wife had cheated (physically and emotionally) on me with another man. I confronted her and she broke down and told me everything. I had found out a week after it had happened, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that was the only time. So, she had cheated once, and I found out a week later and it hasn't happened since.

 

Now, my wife is saying she isn't sure we have a "spark" and that she is thinking she loves me more as a friend. We are doing marriage counseling, but she is going alone and they are focusing on her because she is the confused one at the moment. I have forgiven her, did not kick her out, and know that if she loves me, that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

She recently has started sleeping in a separate room and says she needs her space to think. I think looking back, that not kicking her out when I found out was not a good idea, as she had no real consequences for her actions and was unable to experience my absence. Now I am thinking of telling her that I love her and want to give her space to think and that I will be leaving for a week or so and will not initiate contact with her (won't tell her that) and will let her know that if she wants to contact me and talk, she is free to do so. I will stress to her that this is because I love her and want to give her space to think. I hope this will give her a clearer understanding of her feeling toward me (misses me?).

 

The plan is, if she calls and says she loves me and wants to work hard on the marriage, I will return and we will talk. If she doesn't call and doesn't indicate she missed me, I will return and we will also talk, maybe she needs to leave if she is still confused this time. If after the second time, she is still confused about her feelings for me, I would recommend we separate for awhile and use that time to find out our feelings for each other.

 

Hope this was not too long, but I have been meaning to get this on here for awhile. I am hoping she realizes her feelings for me and will try this twice (me leave and not contact her during the week, followed by her leaving and me not contacting her during the time if she is still confused after I return). I am prepared to accept if she comes to realize that she does not want to be with me, and will move on as I do not want to be with someone who does not love me. We do not have kids, own our house which would go on the market in the event of long separation period (3-5 months) and she still doesn't know how she feels.

 

Also, lastly, the other guy was a bartender at the bar she frequents with her girl friends. Am I justified in saying she can no longer attend that bar until my trust returns?

 

Thank you in advance for all your advice.

Edited February 14, 2010 by marting

[LostInLimbo]

Hi Marting,

first off you are justified in saying that she can't return to that bar, and hear is the hard part, but I will be up front, cause I went through what your going through (but wasn't married) what happens if she goes to another bar? what happens if she says she's going out period, with the girls, are you going to trust her? I am not saying your me, all is different, but I went through my cheating on me twice and I always ALWAYS wondering what she was up to, when she went out.. no life to live, trust me..

 

Also I hate to be blunt and I know its hard what your going through, but do you think it was her only time that it happened? just that once? or just that once you know of? because chances are, its happened and has been happing for sometime, always be honest to yourself, so there is no let downs later on....

 

I think your doing well by giving her the space she has asked for, living together and giving that space is difficult, as for NC, thats usually used to heal oneself, but your right in saying you will let her contact you, cause if you don't you may do more damage....so you may have to go LC if you truely wanna be with her and know you will be able to trust her again....

 

 

I really wish you well, I know your pain, I have been there....

 

LiL

[marting]

Lost:

 

Thank you, and yes I am 100% positive that was the only time. Honestly I do trust her going out, and would even trust her to go to that bar, just bothers me that the guy is a bartender there.

 

My real concern now, is not what happened, but that she is confused of her feelings for me (friend vs. partner)...

 

Eventually her true feelings will come out, I would just be giving her what she says she wants "space" and let her experience being alone for awhile and if she misses me and contacts me or tells me when I come back great! But, if she doesn't or is still confused, we go from there ...with her leaving, and if that didn't accomplish anything, a separation. I feel this giving her space by leaving would not only let her experience being alone, but also give her time to think things through without pressure from me and hopefully accelerate things a little bit as I am in "limbo" right now.

 

Whatever the outcome, I accept it and know it is where I am supposed to be in life.

 

Thanks again.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would bet a large amount of money that "I need space" in this case means "I am still in contact with the OM".

 

That is generally, nearly ALWAYS the case when it comes to affairs.

 

There is no point in trying to fix anything as long as she says she needs 'space'. Only when she no longer needs 'space' (and the reason for needing it) can you begin to work on this.

[marting]

LucreziaBorgia:

 

I am positive she is not seeing the OM...but I am only human, so who knows.

 

You don't think by giving her the space she "thinks" she needs by leaving and not contacting her, rather waiting for her to contact me or not would not give her the opportunity (experiencing being without me) to feel and understand her true feelings for me.

 

My take is that the OM stirred up something that she has not felt in a long time (the "new" feeling, spark, or the feeling of doing something for the first time) been married 8 years...if I may add that now also. Spark worn off???...and she is now confused or even scared about how she feels about me. I feel that I need to give her the opportunity to miss me or not miss me.

 

Thanks and thoughts?

[LucreziaBorgia]

People don't ask for space to think about whether they love or miss you. They ask for space to think about why they don't.

 

Whether or not she is in contact with OM (and I'm serious - I would bet a very large amount of money on the fact that she is - people don't end affairs for anyone else's sake, they only end them when they want to or absolutely have to) is not so much of an issue as "I need space" is.

 

No marriage can be fixed with "space" - only with the combined effort of BOTH spouses to narrow that "space" back down to two people who are committed to making the marriage work.

 

As long as she wants "space" she will not miss you. She will only miss you when YOU determine the amount of "space". She knows as long as she is in control that you aren't going anywhere.

 

Only when the threat of you leaving her is real, will you see how much she loves or does not love you. That means drastic measures like telling her that she can have all the space she needs as soon as she signs the divorce papers and gets the f*ck out.

 

You have to throw a cheating spouse out hard, so hard that their teeth rattle before they will pop their heads out of their asses for long enough to see that they are genuinely losing their marriages. Then, and only then will they put forth an effort and show you how much the marriage means to them.

 

They cannot see the value of the marriage as long as they have it around to take for granted, and they know you are sitting around waiting for them to make a move.

[marting]

LucreziaBorgia:

 

thank you for your honest opinion. Ok, if it is not space I should give her what should I be doing? We are doing counseling...

continue letting her sleep in a separate room?

Talk to a lawyer so she knows it is genuine and has some hard thinking to do? Tell her if she wants space then I will give it to her, but there will be no coming back together?

 

I believe that she still does love me, just is very confused; though I can see what you are saying in your posts. And I don't want to be with someone who does not love me the way I love them.

 

Maybe I need the "space" to figure out if it is worth all this...?

 

As i have said many times previously, I am accepting of whatever happens and feel as though it is where i am supposed to be in my life. If it doesn't work out, it is God's way of saying that there is someone else out there who is better for me.

 

thanks

[LostInLimbo]

I have to agree with LB, sorry Marting, except for the part where people need there space to see why they don't, but thats only my opinion, i was with someone who like I said left me 4 times and it was for different reason..

 

But who knows when it comes to these situations, they are all different, if they weren't, I suppose we would not have an informative forum such as this

 

LiL

[CM2009]

Hey buddy sorry to hear about your situation. I went through the samething but at that time it was emotional, but do yourself a favor and go LC to NC let her be the one to reach out to you instead of doing it to her because this will push her further away. In my opinion and this is strictly mines you shouldn't have left the house. If she wants space let her leave the house, it seems as clear as day that you want this marriage to work. It's coming up on a yr real soon since I found out about my STBX EA and we haven't lived together since the end of March. I know you love her but right now take it from me, take care of yourself my friend. And I give u 2 all the credit at least ur doing the MC I had only wish mines would have tried it........But good luck my friend and God bless ya!!!

[CaliGuy]

Been to MarriageBuilders yet?

 

Honestly, someone who cheats on you doesn't love you the same way. You have the right to walk away if you want, even throw her out. You do need to draw a line in the sand. If she says the spark isn't there anymore, well -- I personally would say "Ok, grab your stuff and go find somewhere else to live. I'll file the divorce papers on Monday..."

 

Seriously. What have you to lose now? Keep your dignity and self-respect in tact by not accepting this behavior. If she doesn't want to be in the relationship you can't make her stay. You can't make her love you.

 

You do, however, have much more power than you think. You can show her that her actions are not going to go ignored. Use the power you do have to show her the consequences and start picking yourself up off the floor.

 

I know the position you are in sucks, but you have to deal with the cards you have been dealt with.... marriagebuilders is a great start btw.

[marting]

Thanks everyone for your input. great day to be discussing these issues...

 

CaliGuy: Thanks, marriagebuilders is an excellent site. I have come to the conclusion that she is in the withdrawl state, and I refuse to be dragged into it also. She is at the point, where I can't do nice things for her because she feels guilty and confused. She has told me that if I got more mad, it would help her with her guilt. But, if I do nice things, I risk pushing her farther away (she told me not to get her a valentines day card and she didn't get me one either) and I can't dare mention our situation because she says I am always talking about it. I don't think about the event that brought us here (infidelity on her part), rather am only concerned lately with our relationship status (she wanting space, not knowing if she is "in love" with me...looking for the spark). I feel that if I did get more mad, it would drive her away even quicker. So , I don't really trust her when she says she would be better if I got more mad.

 

I have got to find a way to keep myself out of the withdrawl stage and bring her out of it also. I have been asking her if she is seriously considering our situation, not just using her "space" to forget what is happening, she says she is. I have also asked her if she was doing the research about similar situations as I am, she is not. She did say she would read a few things on marriagebuilders.com that I thought she should (the withdrawl stage and coming out of it).

 

Thank you for all your opinions, keep them coming.

 

CaliGuy: What do you think about me leaving for a few days or a week and not being the one to initate the contact? Put the ball in her court and in a sense make her confront her feelings about me. ???

[LucreziaBorgia]

You cannot begin any process like this unless the affair has ended. I know you really want to believe it has, but her behavior seems to me more like someone who is still in contact with the OP. I think if you read enough over at MB and here you'll come to see that the affair is rarely over when the BS thinks it is.

 

Just keep your eyes, ears open. Go the stealth route and gather any information you can (VARs, keyloggers, etc).

 

Above all - do not leave your home. Period. You did nothing wrong. If anyone has to leave, it should be her.

 

Nothing you say or do short of literally throwing her out on her ass with divorce papers will make her consider her feelings for you. If she is fresh off of an affair that you busted her in, then she isn't thinking of you. She is thinking of him.

 

You have to break that and I mean break it hard before she will consider your feelings.

 

I hate to sound so mean about it, but I've seen this over and over and over. The spouse you love is not the person you are dealing with now. She is not going to do or say the things that the spouse you love would. She is going to do and say the things that the person who cheated on you would. They call it a 'fog' for good reason. Your spouse, the one you know and love - is lost. If you want to find her, you have to fight hard, not roll over and wait for her to get her own head out of her ass. It won't happen. It has to be done for her with a firm resolve on your part.

[marting]

LucreziaBorgia: I am confident it is, and I have taken the stealth route and there has been absolutely no contact or unaccounted for time since i discovered it. some things I have taken into consideration are keyloggers, facebook, email, cell phone records, and knowing her location when I need to. I want to stress: I am not doing this because I do not trust her, but rather to verify that she is trustworthy...This is why i am confident that the affair is over...or at the very least, there is no contact what so ever.

 

I have talked this over with numerous friends, some who have been in the same situation...I prefer I leave, this way she does not know when I will return and will "hopefully" contact me, also she won't be angry and do something irrational because "i kicked her out", although that would be the ultimate test I guess. The final reason, is because whenever we have guests and they leave she always remarks that the house is too quiet when there are no guests and I am not around. I believe coming home to a quiet house will have a heavier impact coupled with not knowing when or if I will return. A good sign I guess is the other night I was late working on a project where I had no reception, and later than I normally would, I did call her on a phone with reception and she did make a point of saying she was worried and wondering where I was and she had tried calling me to make sure everything was ok.

 

... she is looking at some of the stuff I printed for her from MB...which I feel is a good sign, I want her to see, and she has accepted that she is in the withdrawl state...I just hope she decides she can come out of it and I will help in any way i can.

 

On another note, more info: She was depressed the first two years of our marriage, first time she left home, and I was stationed at Ft. bragg. For two years I was working very hard all day and she tried and tried but it was impossible to find a job....she slipped into depression and was very emotionally unstable and confused...

 

This is why I am of the belief that she is confused again and not understanding her feelings. the human mind is too complex for me to understand.

 

 

Thanks for all

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is always the 180 as well if you are certain about the affair being over. If you do a google search on 'divorce busting' and '180' it should come up in the first couple of links.

[marting]

Thank you, I will do that...

 

right now I am focusing on:

 

the fog: was unaware of that, thanks, explains a lot and the withdrawl

the withdrawl:

plan A: can't find any info on that...have some info or where i can find it?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do a google search for

 

"plan a" marriagebuilders

 

It will be in the first few links.

[hopesndreams]

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

Do not show her anymore articles to read. It will only anger her because to her the feelings she had were/are real.

 

Leaving the home is a HUGE mistake. Take the control away from her, follow the 180 exactly.

 

There will come a time when you have to put yourself first. Your self respect and self esteem demand it. She's a cheater now and until there is total remorse and she begs you for forgiveness, your M stands no chance. The more time you give her to control you, the further away she gets. There needs to be a choice she needs to make. Work on M or get out. These are consequences. Being tough doesn't mean you're mad. Quit rolling over for her it has made her lose respect for you and without respect there is no love.

 

You're desperate and it shows. She's feeding off that and your fear. It doesn't endear herself to you.

 

Doing the 180 will give you strength whether or not things work out.

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy: What do you think about me leaving for a few days or a week and not being the one to initate the contact? Put the ball in her court and in a sense make her confront her feelings about me. ???

 

Marting,

 

I am going to tell you my opinion of your situation but I don't think you are going to like it. Normally, before infidelity occurs I tell everyone who is going through a similar situations to go to MarriageBuilders and Focus on the Family (you might want to read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson). That is because the trust isn't completely gone yet.

 

In your case, that is different. Your spouse has crossed a line in which *I* myself can forgive, but would never take them back if I was in the same situation. I just do not want to live the rest of my life with someone whom I will always wonder, no matter how small that voice is "is she doing it again?!"

 

Not sure if you are of faith but Jesus said God only blesses divorce in two situations. Death and infidelity. In that case, by God's judgment, you are free to leave this marriage if you so choose and, in my personal opinion, I think that is the direction you should at least be willing to take.

 

She has already crossed a line. She has disrespected you. She has told you by her actions that she does not love you the same way you love her: unconditionally. If you want to work this out, I don't think "staging" a walk out is going to work. It takes two to make a marriage work and she has to be willing to right the wrongs. So far, she is confused.

 

You need to STOP doing nice things for her. Don't be cruel to her, but don't be nice either. Be INDIFFERENT (as if you don't care). Because right now all you have is you. She needs to see that there are C*O*N*S*E*Q*U*E*N*C*E*S for her actions. You have every right to ask her to leave the house and file for legal separation. And I think that is what it's going to take so show her you mean business.

 

Before you do anything, I implore you buy the following books and have them shipped OVERNIGHT (if you can afford it):

 

"Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson) - Shows you how to rebuild your marriage if possible and how NOT to allow people to step all over your boundaries.

"No More Mr Nice Guy" (Glover) - Tells you how to stop being a doormat nice guy (which I suspect you have some of those (not all) qualities.

 

Amazon has both books in stock. I suggest you start there. But my honest opinion is "games" will not work with your wife. I think you need to start loving and respecting yourself first and take actions to show that you have boundaries of what you consider acceptable and not acceptable behavior on her part. There needs to be consequences for her over-stepping these boundaries -- such as booting her from the house and starting the legal separation.

 

If you do not show her there are true consequences for her actions, she will cross your boundaries even further the next time. As I said, she has to be willing to make the marriage work and if she isn't making the effort then anything you do to try and fix the marriage will be a waste of time.

 

Hope for the best but expect (and plan) for the worst. Sorry, I wish I could give you more hope but I don't know your wife. All I know is she made a covenant with you and God -- and broke it. To me, that says a lot about her as a person.

[marting]

hopesndreams:

 

I am desperate, and have for the most part kept a pretty calm attitude and confidence during this time. I do, keep doing research and hope that she would also...which is why I point out articles and stuff to her. One of the things that I have been trying to do to get her out of the "fog and withdrawal" is ask her to remember and remind her that we were very happy and in love before this incident. d#$m fog!

 

I have already forgiven her, told her that that night...wrong thing to do so quickly?

 

She has requested we go out to movie and dinner this week...thats ok right?

 

I am going to request that she not return to the bar...as seeing him would prolong the fog...good idea?

 

As far as leaving the house...I thought that would accelerate and force a decision on her part on how she feels about me (misses me or doesn't, i think she would miss me) in a sense give her the feeling that I am preparing to move on. This is not a good idea? Am I not giving plan A enough time? She has not had any contact with OM since, this I am sure of. But, with her feelings confused, I thought plan B may have to be used to help her confront these things.

 

Although, I do understand more about the fog and withdrawl now, and realize that time helps and I have to wait for her to come out of the fog before I can help her out of the withdrawal stage.

 

Do I get to have any more hope because we are doing MC..or does it not matter until the fog is gone and withdrawl is exited?

 

Thanks.

[marting]

CaliGuy:

 

Thanks for replying, I am of the faith and understand that a divorce in this situation is OK in God's eyes. I would prefer to not get a divorce though, and have full confidence that the trust can return.

 

I have gone over and over in my mind about whether I should leave, or I should ask her too. Personally I believe that coming home to an empty house would have a huge impact on her, but I am just starting to learn about and understand the "fog" and withdrawal.

 

I will get those books, and have been looking to get "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix as well. It was also recommended to me. And, I will hold off on doing anything except focusing on myself and remaining happy and confident for the time being. A lot of people have told me that.

 

I want to show her that there are consequenses, but do not want to push her away further while she is so confused. I will just stay put for now, as i said and focus on me and the 180.

 

Yes, I consider myself a "nice guy" and can be a doormat sometimes. My wife has been commenting a lot lately that she knows she will never find someone who lovers her as much as I do...i see that as a good sign and step in the right direction.

 

I am prepared to accept whatever the outcome of this situation is...i firmly believe that where ever I am in life, I am for a reason and it is God's plan. I just don't like this stage where I am sitting in limbo (hence why I wanted to accelerate things and force a decision.....which I now know is a bad idea), but can handle it for quite a while more if need be.

 

Though, is not kicking her out and filing for legal separation forcing a decision during her confusion...just a bit harder to come back from?

[CaliGuy]

Couple things I want to highlight here.

 

CaliGuy:

 

Thanks for replying, I am of the faith and understand that a divorce in this situation is OK in God's eyes. I would prefer to not get a divorce though, and have full confidence that the trust can return.

 

You say this now and I am glad you are confident, but there will always be a little voice that makes you wonder if she doesn't come home when she is supposed to or if she does something suspicious. Are you sure you want to live with that the rest of your life?

 

I have gone over and over in my mind about whether I should leave, or I should ask her too. Personally I believe that coming home to an empty house would have a huge impact on her, but I am just starting to learn about and understand the "fog" and withdrawal.

 

See, this is where the nice guy part comes in. SHE does something wrong and YOU leave. This is not good. It's MUCH MUCH better for you to kindly ask her to gather her things and find a place to stay while YOU figure out what YOU want. Not her. Don't put this on her plate anymore. It's not her decision that matters now, it's YOURS.

 

I want to show her that there are consequences, but do not want to push her away further while she is so confused.

 

How much further away can you pus her? She crossed the one line that you never cross in a marriage. As far as I am concerned, she's as far away as possible. You putting her out of the house isn't pushing her away. It's showing her the consequences for her actions.

 

Understand something here please. If you don't take anything else from my post, understand this: Being a door mat nice guy, doing niiiiiiiice things for her, especially after she spit in your face and kicked you in the johnson is NOT the path to take. NOW is when you need to man up and say to her "You crossed a line that is totally unacceptable to God and to me. For this, I want you to leave the house. I will tell you if my feelings change but for now, I don't want to see you and I don't want to be around you."

 

If she is going to leave you for good, she is more likely to do it (IMHO) while she's sitting around the house you both built. See what I am saying? You leaving isn't punishment enough. Her having to leave that house is. I'm willing to bet that you are worried she will just go stay with the OM. LET HER! If she hasn't broken it off yet then you can't work on your marriage. Pushing her out of the house says "Hey you messed up bad and I'm not taking this lying down!"

 

You are so worried about pushing her away for good when, what you've done up to this point (being really nice when you need to be mean for example) hasn't gotten you anywhere either. You need to change how you see things with her. Stop stepping on eggshells here and start knocking some fine china over! You are the man of the house, act like one!

 

Yes, I consider myself a "nice guy" and can be a doormat sometimes. My wife has been commenting a lot lately that she knows she will never find someone who lovers her as much as I do...i see that as a good sign and step in the right direction.

 

Unfortunately, women don't fall in love with and stay with door mat nice guys. They want a man to be a man (confident, well balanced, who does good things when he should and is mean and nasty when he needs to be). That is why I want you to read the books I suggested. They will show you how your actions don't create the kind of deep down attraction with your wife that you wish you had. I have an old thread here somewhere on door mat nice guys/balanced men/jerks. You should read it.

 

I am prepared to accept whatever the outcome of this situation is...i firmly believe that where ever I am in life, I am for a reason and it is God's plan. I just don't like this stage where I am sitting in limbo (hence why I wanted to accelerate things and force a decision.....which I now know is a bad idea), but can handle it for quite a while more if need be.

 

You are in LIMBO because you are giving all the power of the relationship to your wife. Everything you are saying and doing is balanced around HER. Her reaction, her thoughts, her actions. BAH! SCREW THAT! God made you a man, be a man! Don't let her run over you like this. Women do not love men they can run over and treat like crap. Her cheating on you and TREATING YOU LIKE CRAP! I am not saying go beat her up (far from it). I am saying put your foot down and show her that this is UNACCEPTABLE. Trust me, kicking her out will probably garner you may more respect than YOU leaving the house and "hoping" she misses you. She needs to be kicked out of her "comfort zone" before she realizes how bad she screwed up.

 

Though, is not kicking her out and filing for legal separation forcing a decision during her confusion...just a bit harder to come back from?

 

Legal separation is not a divorce. But you would be sending a clear message to her that a) You can't stay in this house while you are violating the sanctity of our marriage and that b) The consequences of doing so is divorce.

 

Kicking her out, at the very least, shows her that you mean business. By you being passive (you leaving), by you walking on eggshells (you worried about her leaving for good) you are simply showing her that you're not being a MAN about this situation. She is probably deep down HOPING you'll finally man up and do something to show her that you are not a door mat. Granted, I am juxtaposing a bit here but do you see what I am saying?

 

Stop worrying about her all the time. Stop babying her. Stop putting her on a pedestal. It's time you start making sure that YOUR needs are met too and that YOU and YOUR FEELINGS matter in this relationship and that there are consequences for her behavior!

[marting]

Caliguy:

 

There may always be a little voice of concern, but I do believe regardless after what has happened to me, it would still be there even if I founds someone new.

 

I see where you are coming from, and I am not a total doormat, but I am a nice guy. I understand the comfort zone, and yes, am a little concerned that she may run to the OM; but she would most likely run to one of her friends (female) who I think is a terrible influence on her. I will read the books before I make any decisions, and for now will utilize the 180 technique while in the same house.

 

Looking back, I recognize it was a huge mistake to forgive her so easily and tell her (my religious beliefs kicking in) and not kicking her out immediately.

 

these are hard realities, but thanks for being honest...

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy:

 

There may always be a little voice of concern, but I do believe regardless after what has happened to me, it would still be there even if I founds someone new.

 

It would be different if you were with someone new because they haven't given you a reason to doubt them yet. With your wife, that little voice will always be there. Remember my friend, she crossed a big line. She didn't just flirt, she went the whole 9 yards. For that, there has to be consequences....

 

I see where you are coming from, and I am not a total doormat, but I am a nice guy.

 

Nice guys and door mats aren't far from each other. What you want to be is balanced. I understand your feelings of self-sacrifice for the greater good, but in this case, she took full advantage of it. And you let her. By not putting your foot down right away she knows that she can manipulate you to get what she wants. Telling you she is confused is, IMHO, her way of "buying time" until she can figure out a plan. Don't let her use you and don't enable her either. Don't let her take advantage of your love for her to step all over you again. Love her, yes, but don't allow yourself to be USED by her.

 

Here's a tidbit my friend: If someone really loves you their words and actions will never be in conflict with each other. In other words, while she is there, pay little attention to what she says and much attention to what she DOES. It's her ACTIONS that tell her where her heart lies, not her words.

 

I understand the comfort zone, and yes, am a little concerned that she may run to the OM; but she would most likely run to one of her friends (female) who I think is a terrible influence on her. I will read the books before I make any decisions, and for now will utilize the 180 technique while in the same house.

 

Looking back, I recognize it was a huge mistake to forgive her so easily and tell her (my religious beliefs kicking in) and not kicking her out immediately.

 

these are hard realities, but thanks for being honest...

 

You're welcome. I wouldn't worry about her running to the OM now. I mean, she's already crossed the line that you should never cross in a marriage. She's been unfaithful. While that is hard to swallow you need to understand that it's not YOUR fault. You should not be apologetic and try to appease her. SHE should be the one apologizing and trying to fix things. And if she isn't at that point yet, it doesn't matter who she is with or what she is doing.

 

Right now there are literally NO CONSEQUENCES for her actions. She gets to stay in the house, you are trying to your best to fix something you did not break and she's literally lying to you in order to buy more time to figure out what she wants.

 

IMHO, if she doesn't know what she wants, if she can't make a decision, then you should make it for her. And it starts with booting her out of the house....

[marting]

What you said in that last couple sentences really hit home...She is USING me and my love for her to BUY MORE TIME and make her decision of if she wants to end our marriage or continue forward, and all from the comfort that I am providing her with.

 

If she is even thinking about leaving me, she should not be doing it comfortably, and I should not be putting up with it at all!

 

This fog, it does have influence on her actions though...i have read in these forums and on MB that it is like a drug and messes with the mind...this does confuse her though right? Should this be affecting my decisions any on how I handle the situation? Maybe my fog (love and kindness) is thicker than hers, and preventing me from doing the proper thing!

 

Then again, I don't think she was in the fog when the incident happened....I want to get her out of the "fog" so she can think about things with a clear mind. And I don't want to prolong the fog at all...

 

well, i was on target in the first few sentences, then my fog kicked in.......

 

thanks

[GrayClouds]

I suspect you were showing her "love and kindness" before the affair. It obviously did not encourage her to do the right thing then and it is likely it will not encourage her to do the right thing now. Your hoping if you do not push her she will not reject you by walking away. Her affair was already a rejection. It is time to try different behaviors. I suggest strength and confidence.

 

At this point the love and kindness you should be showing is to yourself. Do not sacrifice your health for her pain anymore. You should not have to wait for someone to decide if they love you, she should be on her hands and knees begging for you love.

 

 

Good luck.