Brother and wife subtly bullying - driving me mad

[Chalky]

I have a situation with my brother and his wife - I’ll call them P and C - which is causing me enormous anxiety and which I do not seem to be able to resolve because of his stubbornness and intractability. They are both teachers and now have three young children.

 

I suffer from anxiety very easily and so does my dad. I have a sleep disorder and am chronically tired which does not help my angst levels I am sure.

 

Anyway...about five years ago they moved back to the town where I still live. It soon became obvious that it was because having a baby was restricting their freedom and they wanted to impose their responsibilities on others. They seemed to feel really entitled.

 

My brother immediately started throwing my attempts to be friendly and helpful back in my face. His general attitude was cold, overbearing and hostile - that is, when he interacted with me at all, which was rarely. He seemed to want to treat me as if did not exist, as far as possible – utter indifference appeared to be his aim, as if I was a complete irrelevance. At one point he actually flatly told me that we should not have too much to do with each other.

 

Worse, they pretty much enslaved my parents with childminding duties. They were not young people (mother is now 68, stepdad was then over 70).

 

They used to turn up with the first born at 7am (my mother has a sleep disorder and should not be woken so early) and were expected to keep him until 7pm or later, bathe him, feed him, and even drive him back to my brother’s place. To see them after such a day was a gruelling experience; the sheer exhaustion and misery was palpable. It was clearly too much for them. Yet my mother seems unable to stand up for herself. My stepfather had been mentally beaten into submission many years before and would complain to me but mention the futility of his objecting to the situation. The childminding went on two days per week at least, plus all kinds of extra sessions, even whole weekends, so that C could go off with her girlfriends. And all this came after my parents had spent several years caring for my mother’s parents as they were terminally ill and then going through the very stressful business of selling their house – a process which ended literally just days before P and C moved back into town.

 

Moreover, my mother has a demanding and responsible semi full-time job which she does from home but was prevented from doing when the baby was there. She is tired at the best of times; and the tiredness from childminding would drag on into the next day too.

 

I became increasingly concerned about what was going on and wrote a long letter about the subject of his attitude several years ago. He ignored it and the only feedback of his that I got was from a third party: “A nasty letter”. It wasn’t; it was heartfelt and honest.

 

Baby number two appeared in 2004 and this situation continued. P and C basically getting what they want, as they still are, and my parents continuing to suffer and me getting more and more angry and frustrated but never being able to get through to them – literally, as he avoided and ignored me if he sensed I wanted to discuss the situation.

 

In 2008 things took a serious turn for the worse. My stepfather, then 74, was rushed into hospital for an operation on an aneurysm but died three weeks later from complications.

 

This and what went on afterwards, is what has really done for me psychologically. Although part of me knows that he died for a number of reasons, probably a lifetime of failing to relax and always being hyped up and aggressive and angry, I cannot help but blame P and C for what happened. I think a part of me wants to say “I told you so”.

 

Perhaps even more hurtful was their reaction at the time – acting as if nothing had happened and basically giving my mother no support while continuing to expect her as a grieving widow to go out in all weathers, on the bus, even when ill, to meet the kids. Often the viruses are brought by the kids themselves – it makes no difference. “Colds are meant for sharing” is their view. Their belief is that everyone should stoically soldier on regardless of illness. Very convenient considering they are the healthiest – or rather the least sick ones - in the family. The do nothing for her or only make gestures of help at best.

 

So what relevance does this have to anxiety and me? Well, it is causing me enormous angst that seems to be getting worse and worse. I am frustrated as hell as I cannot seem to express my feelings and that every attempt just seems to being more frustration. My brother is a real passive-aggressive thwarter, an obstructionist, when he is not being actively belligerent and aggressive. His wife is plain gobby - full of flailing surface aggression. I hear she sees me as a pest. I meanwhile hear he sees her as a psychopath – he used that word apparently - who makes his life hell.

 

Bottom line is I am suffering and I have anxiety about my anxiety. I despair of ever relieving it and I am getting fed up with this colouring my whole life so negatively and making me so depressed.

 

I suppose I am scared I will never get through this and am beating myself up for not being more effective about this.

 

I e-mailed him two weeks ago to explain that I needed to clear the air – he ignored me. Then events keep getting in the way such as mum’s birthday, him going away on holiday in a few days. This is how it goes – time passes and nothing gets solved. I didn’t follow up my e-mail as assertively as I wanted as I got ill and overwhelmed with work and had to back off for a bit.

 

I look upon this as I would dealing with a toothache – I hate the dentist’s but toothache is worse.

 

What can I do? I guess I will have to keep nagging and nagging for a “clear the air” meeting. Even then it could go wrong in so many ways and make things even worse. Maybe I should write along letter instead getting it all off my chest. My aims are (1) Vent and relieve the frustration and anxiety and (2) Protect my mother from a premature death by their demands.

 

But boy is this situation driving me nuts in so many ways.

[AppleGirl]

No offense, but I think you should just let it go and worry about your own life.

 

I too have brother and sister in law that I do not get along with. I used to feel immense anxiety in my dealings with them. It lasted for years and got to the point where my brother and I stopped talking entirely....and you know what? Things are 100% better this way than the way they used to be. I still see them at Christmas and Thanksgiving(and we live in the same town, not across the country or anything). But I have found more peace in letting them live their lives and I live mine. You can attempt to confront your brother if you want but what do you think you are going to get out of that confrontation?? You have already emailed him and got no response. I would take that as your answer right there.

 

As for your mother, she needs to stand up for yourself and not have you do it for her. Perhaps she is not as stressed as you think she is from watching your brothers kids. Perhaps she enjoys spending time with her grandchildren. Has she actually told you that she doesn't want to watch them anymore? If she has, she is telling the wrong person and should be talking to your brother about it, not you.

 

I would stay out of it, if I were you. Put your energy into better use and stop worrying about a situation that you have no control over.

[Eve]

If Mum has told you that she is stressed maybe help her to source local daycare and then support her to tell your brother (from the background) that she can take the children on certain mornings or afternnons or whatever she feels will give her some relief. Or get him to take and bring them... Its doubtful that she would want to stop altogether but its up to her.

 

Altogether, from the sounds of things you really are not missing out on anything by not having a relationship with your brother and sister-in-law. I would instead seek out someone to talk to in more depth about the anxiety that you suffer from. I think that fixing the anxiety should come first rather than it being a parallel.

 

... Its time to accept that bro does not care about you.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[TheLoneSock]

No offense, but I think you should just let it go and worry about your own life.

 

Her mom is a part of her 'own' life. Being passive about it won't do anything.

 

I too have brother and sister in law that I do not get along with. I used to feel immense anxiety in my dealings with them. It lasted for years and got to the point where my brother and I stopped talking entirely....and you know what? Things are 100% better this way than the way they used to be. I still see them at Christmas and Thanksgiving(and we live in the same town, not across the country or anything). But I have found more peace in letting them live their lives and I live mine. You can attempt to confront your brother if you want but what do you think you are going to get out of that confrontation?? You have already emailed him and got no response. I would take that as your answer right there.

 

As for your mother, she needs to stand up for yourself and not have you do it for her. Perhaps she is not as stressed as you think she is from watching your brothers kids. Perhaps she enjoys spending time with her grandchildren. Has she actually told you that she doesn't want to watch them anymore? If she has, she is telling the wrong person and should be talking to your brother about it, not you.

 

The mother is nearly 70 years old, and this has been going on for years. Of course she doesn't mind seeing the kids, but being the one who takes care of them every day from 7am - 7pm for 4 years is ENTIRELY different. This isn't just P and C dropping them off occasionally, this is abuse of a different kind by P and C.

 

I would stay out of it, if I were you. Put your energy into better use and stop worrying about a situation that you have no control over.

 

This isn't a situation one can just stay out of. It's family. Family is everything. You sound very young.

 

'No offense' to you, but you're giving bad advice. You advise the OP to be passive and ignore something that can't be ignored, and being passive about it will do nothing.

 

OP, talk to your mother first of all and ask her how she truly feels about it all. Then, contact social services and have them look into the matter. There are several laws protecting senior citizens. The term for this kind of manipulation is not one I can put my finger on, but I guarantee you that you and your audience in this forum are not the only ones that will see something very wrong with the situation you described. You don't have to attack this problem on your own, it's OK to get others involved. That is my advice.

[Chalky]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I was pleased that The Lonesock said it was not that simple, because it isn't.

 

I appreciate all input as I know it is meant well. To say stay out of it however is to miss the point.

 

I have tried to. Now, I can deal with the fact that my brother doesn't care and can accept that he and I won't have much to do with each other. I think he is in some ways a quite awful and pathologically obstructive, passive-aggressive man whom I would avoid totally if I could.

 

What I cannot deal with is the thought that my mother is being taken advantage of and maybe even slowly killed off. I have the same medical condition and understand all too well how ill she is. If she goes to an early grave because of being put under stress by my brother it would destroy me too. My brother simply does not want to begin to "get it" about how ill she is.

 

For example I have just come back from her place. The eldest grandson is there. She had enormous dark circles under her eyes and was visibly exhausted from being kept awake all night by him being ill. I knew that would happen. She is looking after him while the parents are on holiday. Separately.

 

She knows her limits and told me she told me she loves having him but could only handle having him for one night. I told her to tell them that. She did and they basically made her stick to her original agreement. She told me the in-laws also phoned to subtly tick her off and guilt trip her. There is a lot of that.

 

She also goes out in the freezing cold, on the bus, to meet them from school when she is ill with colds, flu etc - it is not that they force her exactly but they just think of their own convenience and let her go ahead. They also dump the kids on her when they are ill and they give her their bugs. I just think that is so wrong. They just use her as a free childminding service at every opportunity and play on the fact that I care much more than them (not hard).

 

Moreover P said to her within days of her husband's funeral that he would not go out of his way to help her if it was not convenient for him and that she should ask me for help first. Yet they expected her to carry on with the childminding as if nothing has happened.

 

I guess what angers me most is the utterly uncaring, cold consciouslessness of the pair. If my brother says his own wife is a psychopath, who am I to argue? That and their endless denial about the cost that their free lunch imposes on her and the way they wind me up by relentlessly ignoring me and treating me as an irrelevance, a non-person. And their absolutely intractable, fanatical determination to stick to their predetermined plan and not adapt to changing circumstances.

 

And anyone who stands in their way is portrayed as a monster who is out to hurt the little children, That is the last thing I am.

 

I have struggled for so long to get support and realise I am on my own, except that it did occur to me that social services etc may be worth contacting, as suggested.

 

And I do not accept my brother's silence as an answer. I have the right to ask again to speak to him. He is labouring under a major and destructive misconception and needs to be put right. I will gather support somehow if need be.

 

Or should I just stand back and then somehow try to live with myself if my mother dies, while the worry and anger wears me down in the meantime?

Edited February 15, 2010 by Chalky

[Eve]

Do you think that Mum knows how horrid her son and daughter in law are and thinks she has to bear the burden of raising these children? Would the daycare idea be too difficult to put in place? It does sound as though Mum is very poorly indeed though so maybe even that idea would be too much? I would take Lonestocks advice and see what Social Care can do. I would be interested in what they have to say. It could all depend on whether Mum is willing to say she is being forced into this arrangement or not though. Do you think she will admit this to anyone outside of the family?

 

.. Gosh, I cant believe just how utterly self absorbed these two people are!

 

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Teuto]

They are unbelievably self-absorbed.

 

I don't believe she would ever admit to social services that there was a problem.

 

The abuse is actually not as bad as it was. Maybe the problem lies more in my needing to get things off my chest to them and my anger at the constant frustration and mind games they play.

 

I just cannot see all this ending well though. They are going to go on doing what they do until she dies I am sure. Even if they do not exactly cause her death. Then I doubt if I will ever be able to speak to them again given hnow I feel about them. It feels as if the whole family is being torn apart - the older ones steadily destroyed so C can be a working mother.

 

It actually feels like something pretty close to indirect ethnic cleansing. That bad.