He cheated. We separated- but not too far. If you're still in love is there a chance?

[voodoojuicy]

I've never gone to chat rooms or posted messages to get advice or support... but here I am now. I just Really want to find some objective people who have been in a situation as mine. This may get too long- but here goes.

 

Here's the deal, I've been involved with one man for the past four years through a "committed" relationship and post-break up drama combined. We communicate with each other well, we enjoy the same things, we have personalities that compliment each other, have great sex- OFTEN great sex, we've always supported each other and been able to get past any differences or arguments. Sounds like a healthy, wonderful foundation for a relationship, right? <- Yeah, there were soo many good things between us then and even still now. Many seen us as the one's who "would make it". We've made it through a lot. From the get go there was an "issue". We're involved in an inter-racial relationship. Which shouldn't mean anything (love is love), but some people seem to have a problem with it, including my family. Screw everyone else- but Iwanted to open the minds of my family by showing them my happiness. Our relationship was real, it was raw, and that we could make it through anything as long as it was together. Then our "bomb" went off.

 

He changed professions. He became a police officer for a neighboring small town. Everything Changed- his personality, his friends, and most of all his faithfullness. He was with mulitple women ( some quite younger) and all the while made me feel like a queen at home. When I found out about "one"- I lost it but he never left. Shortly it all came out into the open and we separated. But we never seemed to get too far from each other. It's been nine long months of pure drama and heartache. We have both tried to break all ties, it just never happens.

 

Things have gotten far too complicated and we've finally gotten to the crossroad where something HAS to happen. We both want to make things work. There is still the issue of my family. My family who did do some things to save face, and dare I say possibly began to accept us for my happiness, has seen this as a golden opportunity to channel their hate. And the other women- he has had the issue of having feelings for another women. We've both always tried to look at things from both sides and to be understanding with each other... but this has been too hard.

 

I do see the man I used to be in love with coming back. Out of this, we both have began to see things we have to change and began addressing them. I think we both want to only grow out of this situation. But can we do it together? We've discussed trying to start over. I'm scared. I know he is too. What if we have a family together? What if we do really work through this- my family could make it between Choosing them and what I want for my own personal future. And with him- women always seem to love a man in uniform. And there are some "badge bunnies" out there who are fearless. Can he really resist all those opportunities? Even if he does- could I ever trust him? I love him in every sense of the word - despite everything but I'm still just scared to move forward even as much as I want to. Does anyone see any hope in this- or am I just wanting to try the impossible? Some good advice from experience would help. Even some on how you can make it work- or even how to know if you can.

 

(Sorry for such a long post.)

Thank you all

- Erica

[dyermaker]

If you can't trust him, you can't have a healthy relationship with him. Whether or not you trust him is a decision no one can make but you.

[HurtinginVA]

[Can he really resist all those opportunities? Even if he does- could I ever trust him?

 

Yes, he can resist any "opportunity".

 

I love him in every sense of the word - despite everything but I'm still just scared to move forward even as much as I want to. Does anyone see any hope in this- or am I just wanting to try the impossible? Some good advice from experience would help. Even some on how you can make it work- or even how to know if you can.

 

Once trust is broken, it is hard to get it back. He has to be willing to earn it. My hubby cheated(found out a few weeks ago). I can say that I dont completely trust him.........yet..........but I WANT to. And he's willing to do whatever it takes.

 

If you are both willing to make this work, there is hope, it's not impossible. For me, I dont know if the little nagging thought will ever leave the back of my mind, I dont see it happening, but no one can predict the future.

 

As someone on LS told me, think about what this guy could do for you, in an ideal world, to help you trust him again and to make you happy. Then share it with him. Work towards that. For me, I asked my husband for "anytime" access to his cell phone, all passwords to his emails, calls during the day from work...........all of these things make me feel better and I look at it like this. If I can snoop, so to speak, and Im not finding anything unusual. The more that happens, the less I'll snoop and the better Ill feel.

 

Good Luck to you!

[sullenboy]

tRUST IS SO IMPORTANT IN ANY RELATIONSHIP, oNCE ONE HAS BROKEN IT

IT'S HARD TO GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE. iF YOU dONT tRUST hIM, duMP HIM.

[InLoKo]

If you both decide to give it a go, then your family should support you and be happy that you are happy. I would strongly suggest that your partner gets some sort of help. I have always believed that cheaters (especially men) do so because they need their egos boosting and have insecurity issues. They seem to think that many partners amkes them more of a man, when in reality the converse is true. IMO, it takes "a real man" to stay faithful in a loving relationship. (There are some exceptions to this, eg. in a miserable, sex-less, broken marriage, but not applicable here).

 

Do not make the mistake of thinking that cheating = end of relationship. Too many people call it quits because that's what society says you should do. Nor can you say "let's forget it and carry on". You need to really look at your situation and talk, in-depth and with brutal honesty, establish some rules, before you can get back together. If it's what you both agree to, take absolutely no notice of what anyone else thinks...just go for it.

[Sweetlady]

I believe you should just follow your heart. If its not meant for you guys to be together, things will work out for the better. If you feel comfortable with him and he's not treating you bad, I think you should be with him. If there is something that your heart cant handle, then it wont happen. My key word to you is follow your heart and you will find out who you belong with.

[SoleMate]

Just one thought - police officers have a higher rate of infidelity, and are more likely to have large numbers of extra marital partners. See "Police Stress, Marriage and Divorce" at http://divorcesupport.about.com/cs/avoidingdivorce/a/policestress.htm. A sample: "...The psychological makeup of a great many officers drives them to experiment, search, and seek adventures...[and] infidelities of various kinds. Vast numbers of women [are] attracted to cops ...and don't even try to resist. ...It is extremely hard for anyone to avoid "adventures" when attractive members of the opposite sex are openly, persistently inviting...The hours these people work, the neighborhoods in which they work which are commonly a distance from home (where they may not be recognized by family and friends) and therefore can "get away with it" with little chance of being caught..."

 

I believe your boyfriend'd line of work plays a role in this problem you are experiencing.

 

Good luck!

[c211154]

After reading your post, I would suggest dumping him. I am an officer, and I have just recently found my partner/spouse cheating on me. I would suggest to you that you leave him in your past and search for someone faithful and committed in your future, you're a good looking women. Your cop partner neads to learn that although he has a lot of oppurtunities in his carreer, most women (a.k.a. badge bunnies) will eventually leave him once the novelty of the badge wears off and the commitment part of the relationship takes effect. Good luck in your future search. As far as trust goes, it is the foundation of a relationship, and once it is broken, it is very difficult to re-establish.

P.S. Not all officers fall for the "badge bunnies", regardless of what others may say.

[jester]

Given this man's infidelity-magnet career, his past multiple infidelities and your family's steadfast opposition to this inter-racial relationshp, I very much doubt that you can put "Humpty-Dumpty" back together, or that you should invest the time, energy and resources even trying.

 

Although "once a cheater, always a cheater," is simplistic, the cheater recidivism rate is high in my limited experience. This is especially true in this case given his multiple infidelities and all the "badge bunnies" (by the way, great phrase) on the street. Even if you reconcile after a night of stupendous sex, he'll break your heart again.

 

It's time to let go. I know, that's easier said than done. But it's doable. Break free--get out of there and start fresh.

 

If you don't , bitter heartache will be your only true companion.

[luvcrazy02]

I totally agree with hurtinginVA. I think she pretty much wrapped it up in a nutshell.

[Painfulove05]

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When a man breaks the trust in a relationship, it ends up becoming a huge problem. It takes a very long time to repair that trust, and it never really returns to how it was in the first place, even if you want it to. In the back of your mind, you always remember what he did. So if you think that you really want to take the time to make it work and you truly believe that he wont cheat again. Then I say, do it. But if in the end, in the back of your mind, you really know that it wont work out. Then don't waist the time, you'll just go through more heart break then you need to.