Attention Issues

[toself]

We've been together for almost 5 months now, and all is going very well. I get along with both her and her parents very well, and we rarely argue. When we do, it always ends well (so far, at least).

 

There's one thing that bothers me, though. She gives me all her attention when we're alone, but once we're with her friends, it's like she forgets that I exist. I've joined her to her girlfriends' houses several times, and each time the same thing happens. At first, she gradually talks less and less to me, and more and more to them. In the end, she doesn't even look at me. I feel invisible. It would be better if I knew any of her friends better, but I don't know any of them well.

 

I end up sitting there alone, just thinking. She notices after a while (an hour, at least), and she gives me all the attention in the world to make up for what she's just done. It cheers me up, and she notices it. When that is done, she forgets me again. Then after another 30 minutes or so she notices again that I feel alone. The second time (and sometimes the first), she'll ask me, without her friends knowing, if I'm bored and if I want to go home (with her).

 

Now that's a dilemma to me. I don't exactly want to go home, but I don't want to remain invisible to her either. I have to take care of both her and myself, and I feel that if I say we should go home, I'm not taking care of her. I want her to have fun with her friends when she needs to, and I also want to be with her. The problem is I'm not having fun at all when things end up like that, and I want her to know.

 

I tried talking to her about it once. Kept it a little subtle to see how she reacted. I asked her if she could point out at least one thing she doesn't like about me, so that I would be aware of it. She said she couldn't come up with anything at that time, and asked me, of course. I explained that I don't like it when she forgets that I exist if she's on an IM, Facebook, reading something or watching a movie. I feel that those things are at a higher priority when she doesn't answer me because she concentrates more about them.

 

I know that her concentration is limited, and that I can't tell her not to use Facebook or anything, but whenever I hear her voice, I stop doing whatever I'm doing for a second if I have to, and listen to her. She doesn't do that. I sometimes have to say things 2-3 times before she actually gives me any attention at all. Then I might have to say it again because she checked what someone wrote to her on MSN while I was talking. This annoys me a bit, and what annoys me more is I can't tell her.

 

After I told her about this, you see, she became very thoughtful. She didn't say a word for a good while, unless I talked first. The next day she was also acting a bit strange. I asked her if it was because I told her what I told her, and she said yes. I managed to take her mind off it by saying it wasn't really a big issue, and that I love her for everything else she has. She cheered up again, and we don't talk about it anymore.

 

What should I do?

[Leia]

Why do you have to go with her whenever she hangs out with her girlfriends? If you know that the same thing's going to happen then why don't you go hang out with your friends and let her have her girls day/night out?

 

Are you really serious about not wanting her to forget that you exist while she's watching a movie or reading a book??

 

You can't expect people do to the same thing you do for them .. they are not you and vice versa. Maybe you give her all of your attention that you feel the need to be treated the same way .. well, sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

[toself]

Why do you have to go with her whenever she hangs out with her girlfriends? If you know that the same thing's going to happen then why don't you go hang out with your friends and let her have her girls day/night out?

So you're saying that our relationship should be built around only the two of us hanging out, alone, all the time? And whenever we feel like meeting our friends, we should separate first? That's not an ideal solution to me. I don't think it's a good idea to make us being alone an essential part of the relationship for it to work. We should be able to care for each other with other people around, or we'd have to eliminate the rest of the human race to be happy together.

 

Are you really serious about not wanting her to forget that you exist while she's watching a movie or reading a book??

Are YOU serious, implying that it's normal to forget that your boy- or girlfriend exists whenever you're doing simple tasks like reading a sentence or two? That's like forgetting to breathe because you're walking, or forgetting to walk because you're breathing.

 

You can't expect people do to the same thing you do for them .. they are not you and vice versa. Maybe you give her all of your attention that you feel the need to be treated the same way .. well, sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

I believe in the golden rule. I'm not saying that we're the same person, but we're both human, aren't we? I think trying to fulfill your partners simple needs (a need for attention is quite simple, I think) is an important part of every relationship. I'm not saying that she should treat me exactly like I treat her, but I find it somewhat rudely done to just ignore me whenever she's reading a sentence, since reading is something we do quite often.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. If you still have any arguments against me, go ahead and post them. I'd really like to see if you still think it's a good idea to ignore your partner every time you read a sentence.

[You'reasian]

Now that's a dilemma to me. I don't exactly want to go home, but I don't want to remain invisible to her either. I have to take care of both her and myself, and I feel that if I say we should go home, I'm not taking care of her. I want her to have fun with her friends when she needs to, and I also want to be with her. The problem is I'm not having fun at all when things end up like that, and I want her to know.

 

I tried talking to her about it once. Kept it a little subtle to see how she reacted. I asked her if she could point out at least one thing she doesn't like about me, so that I would be aware of it. She said she couldn't come up with anything at that time, and asked me, of course. I explained that I don't like it when she forgets that I exist if she's on an IM, Facebook, reading something or watching a movie. I feel that those things are at a higher priority when she doesn't answer me because she concentrates more about them.

 

I know that her concentration is limited, and that I can't tell her not to use Facebook or anything, but whenever I hear her voice, I stop doing whatever I'm doing for a second if I have to, and listen to her. She doesn't do that. I sometimes have to say things 2-3 times before she actually gives me any attention at all. Then I might have to say it again because she checked what someone wrote to her on MSN while I was talking. This annoys me a bit, and what annoys me more is I can't tell her.

 

After I told her about this, you see, she became very thoughtful. She didn't say a word for a good while, unless I talked first. The next day she was also acting a bit strange. I asked her if it was because I told her what I told her, and she said yes. I managed to take her mind off it by saying it wasn't really a big issue, and that I love her for everything else she has. She cheered up again, and we don't talk about it anymore.

 

What should I do?

 

She's a socialite - she gets her charge from being around other people and she needs that. She's also very independent and slightly inconsiderate of you, as a partner - maybe a little selfish - but when she's happy, she'll be a little more loveable.

 

What is it about her MSN that she can't take a break and chat with you? Ask her more about this.

 

You cannot ask her to change - the reason why she was stunned and gave you the silent treatment is because this is a sensitive spot that has plagued her before in a previous relationship/s. Flexibility/consideration is not her strong suit.

 

You've handled it smartly and subtley. Kudos.

 

Like her socializing, I'd imagine she probably has interests that will exclude your consideration - hopefully not dealbreakers.

 

Good luck!

Edited February 16, 2010 by You'reasian

[Leia]

So you're saying that our relationship should be built around only the two of us hanging out, alone, all the time? And whenever we feel like meeting our friends, we should separate first? That's not an ideal solution to me. I don't think it's a good idea to make us being alone an essential part of the relationship for it to work. We should be able to care for each other with other people around, or we'd have to eliminate the rest of the human race to be happy together.

 

Errr no. But you should at least have your OWN life. I don't know any woman that want her man to follow her around all day and night unless she's needy and so is her boyfriend.

 

 

Are YOU serious, implying that it's normal to forget that your boy- or girlfriend exists whenever you're doing simple tasks like reading a sentence or two? That's like forgetting to breathe because you're walking, or forgetting to walk because you're breathing.

 

This is so dramatic and ridiculous, I'm not even going to bother to reply.

 

 

I believe in the golden rule. I'm not saying that we're the same person, but we're both human, aren't we? I think trying to fulfill your partners simple needs (a need for attention is quite simple, I think) is an important part of every relationship. I'm not saying that she should treat me exactly like I treat her, but I find it somewhat rudely done to just ignore me whenever she's reading a sentence, since reading is something we do quite often.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. If you still have any arguments against me, go ahead and post them. I'd really like to see if you still think it's a good idea to ignore your partner every time you read a sentence.

 

Ok. Here it is .... yea she is so wrong for not paying attention to you! Omg. It's just 5 minutes! Why can't she be all over you and just leave the damn tube alone!!??

 

Really, you should talk to her about this. She should be holding you while she's holding a book. She should be talking to you when her friends are around you and her. How dare she talks and pays attention to someone else other than you!!!! There.

[You'reasian]

Really, you should talk to her about this. She should be holding you while she's holding a book. She should be talking to you when her friends are around you and her. How dare she talks and pays attention to someone else other than you!!!! There.

 

Well, he said that whenever she talks, he is expected to listen to her. However, when he talks - she ignores him, a bit contradictory.

 

Its a small thing at this point, a small indication of selfishness - but I don't think its a dealbreaker - unless this kind of behavior spreads into other areas of the relationship.

[soup]

I think it could be either of two things, or it could be a combination of both:

- You are too needy.

- She is too selfish.

 

I have been in exactly your position before. Now I look back I think what an idiot I was, I blew it by being so needy. I smothered her, she put up with it and in the end I left because I was still upset about not getting 100% of the attention. I was so in love that I WANTED to give her 100% of my attention and then I started to feel somehow she owed it to me to give the same back. I forgot that when you give something freely, it doesn't put an obligation on someone to give anything back. Love isn't something you lend. You just love and if you are lucky they love you. If she is sticking around, chances are she does love you. She just isn't the kind to express it the way you do. It's really very normal to not think about anyone else while you're watchin a movie or reading. Really.

 

You talk about the golden rule. Let's remember what it is:

Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

It's NOT: Expect others to do unto you as you do to them.

 

It's a big distinction.

 

In the end, to be happy in a relationship, you have to be happy in yourself and view the relationship as a plus on top of that.

 

AND

 

Either you love her the way she is or you don't love her.

 

In practical terms, I guess you need to have a balance between letting her go out to see her friends without you maybe 2/3 of the time, and going along maybe 1/3 of the time. When you go along, if there are several of her friends there, maybe try and talk to one of them about something... just be a "person" who happens to be there hanging with some other people rather than "someone's boyfriend".

[EnigmasMuse]

Sounds like you both might be mismatched for one another. I say find your own hobbies and interests and then maybe you can focus more on other things instead of how she is acting or not acting towards you.