april12 Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 Please tell me what in the world is an open relationship--I have been dating, sharing time, making plans and intimately involved with a man for about 8 months--We have not committed to one another, and he is very clear that he does not want to be my boyfriend he just got out of a very intense relationship--prior to us meeting ( actually he was still in the relationship when we met)---Every time things get very intimate or intense with us he pulls away and last night he announced that we are in an open relationship---What in the hell is that?!!!---We talked very late last night and after I got off of the phone I couldn't sleep I was so offended by the comment. I don't want to give an ultimatum but this feels ridiculous to me. I really didn't have a problem with us taking thinngs slow and working towards commitment, I do have a problem with his expectation that at any point he can tell me that he has found somone else and he's moving on--I left him a message to call me back but I don't want to start an argument , but I do want to express how the request of an open relationship makes me feel. What do I say? I feel like a fool. April12 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtinginVA Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 Last night he announced that we are in an open relationship---What in the hell is that?!!! Open relationship = (in my opinion) He has the right (as well as you) to sleep with or be emotionally involved with anyone he chooses and still come back to you without you being jealous or angry. Craziness. Not for all people, def. not for me Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 From what I have read, they say that all relationships reach a point (generally around the 6 month mark) when one of the parties gets cold feet. Apparently, this is a good thing, provided that the remaining party doesn't chase or hound the scared one. It's supposed to be a sign that the relationship has reached a critical point and one person needs to check their own individuality and decide whether going forward in the relationship is the right thing to do. If a couple do not go through this, the relationship will not be a strong one. So, in your case, I suggest that you do not accept an "open relationship" (far too many diseases about for a start) but allow him his space and time to decide what it is he does want from the two of you. Do not chase him. It will only make it worse. Leave him be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author april12 Posted January 5, 2004 Author Share Posted January 5, 2004 Thanks so much for your response. I pretty much already knew how I felt, but I don't want to create a dramatic scene by telling him I don't want to see him or that this "open relationship crap is just that--I will talk to him today and make it clear that I don't accept this--I really do think that this is more about him being afraid of us getting deeper--I will give him an opportunity to think about what he is asking me and to talk to me about it when he can, in the meantime, I can't see myself agreeing to this---I feel insulted and hurt. Any ideas on having the conversation that I need to have with him--as I said a dramatic scene is not what I want Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 Make that conversation as unpressured as you possibly can. He'll be totally on his guard with everything you say. Make sure you appear gentle and understanding. Don't pile on how you feel about him, in fact try not to mention that at all. Just tell him an open relationship isn't something you can agree to and if he'd like sometime to think about, that's fine by you. Leave it at that. Short and sweet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author april12 Posted January 5, 2004 Author Share Posted January 5, 2004 Thanks--I just called and I let him know that I didn't feel comfortable with his request and he indicated that he was being honest with me and that he has been honest with me--which is true. I let him know how his request made me feel--that we are already dating and making plans to travel and so forth together and it creates anxiety to know that at any point someone can just say "Hey you know what, I'm dating and or sleeping with someone else"--He additionally asked--What do I want him to say---I said nothing, I just want you to think about the request and let me know if it is what you really want me to consider---I promised him that I won't pressure him and that this is not about me wanting out--I left the ball in his court and I'm not going to bring it up for at least a week or so--then I'll check and see if he is ready to talk. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 here is the thing: like any relationship definition, all parties must agree! he would hardly like it if you announced this is a marriage! just like you must agree to being a boyfriend or girlfriend, deciding a relationship is open is a decision you BOTH must make. not deciding together is called cheating, then being an ass about it. i've got some friends in an open relationship, and it was definitely not imposed by one party on another. to be clear, i don't think he would leave you for another girl. i think what you guys are doing is actually "dating" - it is not a relationship. he wants to date around and is setting the groundwork to keep you hanging on. here is my advice: 1. stop sleeping with him. it is always strategically unwise to sleep with a man who does not want to be monogamous. 2. start dating other people as well. this sounds cold to say, but you have got to emotionally de-invest yourself immediately. still hang with him if you like, but take this as a cold, clear, sign that he is not in this for the long-term with acceptable boundaries. you only have yourself to blame from this point on if this guy breaks your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 I think that sounded really good, April. You've done the right thing. Just leave him be now. I understand how sick you must be feeling, this is the last thing you need. This is now his opportunity to prove he is worthless or prove he is someone worth investing more of your time in. Don't catch up with him, though. Let him come back to you - very important!! Keep busy in the meantime. Catch up with gf's etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 An open relationship means you can date others too and not feel guilty. Go out and date some other guys. Don't invest so much of your time with this guy -- you may find your dreamboat out there and if you hang on to this one you'll miss the ship! You can still date him (like others have said -- lay off the sex) and see if anything develops later, but in the meantime your whole life will not revolve around him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author april12 Posted January 5, 2004 Author Share Posted January 5, 2004 thanks so much for all of the great replies--I will be looking to date as well--nothing serious, but companionship--I will not be sleeping with him---The friendship is really the best part of this relationship--I can maintain that, but the sex has to go---Thanks again I will keep you posted. Link to post Share on other sites
MAC Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 Been there, left that....... Girl I was seeing once told me that we were in an open relationship and I told her she was a skank =) Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Im glad you decided to start dating other people. Some men are kinda funny about defining a relationship. I was dating this great guy, the perfect/white knight/dream guy actually! ( he was extremely attractive, classy, respectful,rich & humble ) we went out for a couple of months and didn't have an exclusive agreement. I figured he wasn't really that interested in committing to me and enjoyed his freedom. I gave it 2 months and I started to date other people(Chris). I didn't confront him about it because that would be weird. I just keep it casual. Eventually my schedual (dates w/chris) , became full and I didn't have time for him much. He got a clue, and figured I was dating someone else. Then He asked me if I was sleeping with this guy(Chris) too. I didn't lie. I said yes. He agreed that he was dating others and we didn't have a committed relationship, but he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. Well, It would have been nice to let me in on this. Anyway, he said he would like to start again and he was getting to the point of exclusivity. But ....I said I would have loved too....but it's too late. The wonderful man i'm with now (Chris)told me he wanted me all to himself. He loves me. liked me alot -back then:) and wants to explore this relationship and see what can develop. 8 months later I happy with the way things turned out. Thanks for letting me ramble Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 craziness, i'd run from something like that i personally don't understand how people can do this kind of thing i question the relationship word as it wouldn't really mean very much to both parties involved in an 'open' 'relationship?' 'in my opinion' Link to post Share on other sites
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