Wife's lack of sexual desire

[PKB57]

Ladies, I need your advice. We are both in our late 40's married over 20 years. My issue is that my wife is not very much interested in sex. It's not that she does not enjoy it, on the contrary, frequently after we do have sex she says she needs to do this more often. Problem is that she is rarely in the mood (usually because she says she is too tired). I have tired mornings, afternoons, or early bed time, with very little success. The pattern here is that she never initiates sex (not for over 10 years at least) and it is I who will do that 100% of the time. I try only to initiate at night when she does not have to work in the morning. I will initiate other times of the day as time permits. I would say on average I might try to initiate once or twice a week. Her response (I'd say maybe 9 out of 10 is a no - always because she is too tired). Needless to say I feel always rejected. She tells me all the time how she loves that I still want her after all these years (I'm always amazed how she does not see how maybe her lack of desire for me has the opposite effect on me). Other that our sexual frequency issues, we have great marriage and would never leave her or cheat on her because of this. I just want to find a way to get her to be more intimate with me. I am a great guy andhusband. Our marriage is a total partnership in every way. I do as much or more around the house as she does. We each have taken on responsibilities based on out strengths (so I will cook, take care of finances, the house maintenance , do a lot of house cleaning, etc., etc). In our circle of friends, we are know as a perfect couple and all her friends admire me as a husband and father (I am very much involved with raising our 2 daughters in every aspect). She tells me all the time she loves me and so do I. I always buy her flowers on special occasion and we go out on occasion to have a date (movie, dinner or concert usually). Also, I am very affectionate with her during the day. I will always hug, kiss, pinch, squeeze her at any time of the day. I love to give her back rubs, massages or simply scratch her back. Many times in bed I will give her a massage without trying to lead it to sex. When we go to sleep I will always hold her (spooning usually) and not for sex. So ladies I do all that I know and can as a man to let my wife know I love her, care about her, and that I want her physical closeness in every days situations as well as for sexual intimacy. But all my efforts have failed to make her interested in wanting sex. I feel very rejected and it makes me very sad. It seems to me that just the thought of starting sex is too much for her even though she readily admits that once she gets going she loves it very much. It just I cannot get her to "get going".

So I have started to change my approach and this is where I need your advice ladies if you think this is a good idea that might work.

Basically I have started to NOT always approach her with kisses and hugs and daily physical contact unless SHE initiates it. In the last week I have noticed that SHE will come to me for physical contact (a hug, hand holding and such) and then I will respond in kind. Most importantly, I started to no longer initiate sex. So for the last 3 weeks I have not tried to initiate any sex (of course we have had no sex). When we go to bed, I will not hold her unless she reaches out to me (to my disappointment she has not reached out to me much).

What I am hoping to change is that instead of me "chasing her" all the time (which maybe she finds me too weak and eager as a result), reverse the dynamic so that she feels the need to start "chasing me". The ultimate goal would be to see if this might change how she feels about me physically and will end up with her starting to initiate sex again. Maybe she needs to feel a little "insecure" by my lack of "asking for sex" that will cause "her to want me" to come to her sexually. I am very afraid thought that instead of getting her to change, my lack of initiating sex will actually totally shut the door on her wanting sex at all (will she think "good God he finally has had enough of sex"...lol ). This might be a high risk gamble in some ways.

 

Ladies this is what I need your help with. What do you think of my new approach? Do you think that this may work or have the opposite effect? Should I forget about it and just go back to initiating all the time and getting it once is a great while (yes we are talking months not weeks here). Any other suggestions other that therapy? That might be next.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Best advice I can give you is a book that I got for my wife on Valentine's Day...

 

"101 Nights of Grrreat Romance: How to Make Love with Your Clothes on"

 

The book has 101 tear out sections (approx half for him, half for her), that kind of 'force' the two of you make romance more of a priority. From your side of the story, it sounds like she is the one that needs it, not you.

 

I can imagine you feel helpless and frustrated, but as you are aware, desire and frequency can naturally go up and down in a marriage. I bet she will come back around at some point. It's inevitable.

[mem11363]

Man to man - I say with certainty that if your wife had a core need and you were ignoring it on an open end basis she would not say: "I will never leave him over this". I am not saying whether or not she would leave you over it. I am saying she would never sit there and reinforce your behavior by telling you that no matter how bad it got, she would stay with you.

 

Instead she would start to do things you didn't like. Things that made you tense or edgy - and that is as it should be. If you have a core need being denied and your response to your partner is that you give more, do more, reassure them more, guess what - you are reinforcing exactly the behavior you claim to not want.

 

If you started denying your wife the right to spend discretionary money in the way she wants and started telling her you don't feel like listening to her when she was upset about stuff - you would rapidly find out just how one sided your partnership is.

 

 

 

Ladies, I need your advice. We are both in our late 40's married over 20 years. My issue is that my wife is not very much interested in sex. It's not that she does not enjoy it, on the contrary, frequently after we do have sex she says she needs to do this more often. Problem is that she is rarely in the mood (usually because she says she is too tired). I have tired mornings, afternoons, or early bed time, with very little success. The pattern here is that she never initiates sex (not for over 10 years at least) and it is I who will do that 100% of the time. I try only to initiate at night when she does not have to work in the morning. I will initiate other times of the day as time permits. I would say on average I might try to initiate once or twice a week. Her response (I'd say maybe 9 out of 10 is a no - always because she is too tired). Needless to say I feel always rejected. She tells me all the time how she loves that I still want her after all these years (I'm always amazed how she does not see how maybe her lack of desire for me has the opposite effect on me). Other that our sexual frequency issues, we have great marriage and would never leave her or cheat on her because of this. I just want to find a way to get her to be more intimate with me. I am a great guy andhusband. Our marriage is a total partnership in every way. I do as much or more around the house as she does. We each have taken on responsibilities based on out strengths (so I will cook, take care of finances, the house maintenance , do a lot of house cleaning, etc., etc). In our circle of friends, we are know as a perfect couple and all her friends admire me as a husband and father (I am very much involved with raising our 2 daughters in every aspect). She tells me all the time she loves me and so do I. I always buy her flowers on special occasion and we go out on occasion to have a date (movie, dinner or concert usually). Also, I am very affectionate with her during the day. I will always hug, kiss, pinch, squeeze her at any time of the day. I love to give her back rubs, massages or simply scratch her back. Many times in bed I will give her a massage without trying to lead it to sex. When we go to sleep I will always hold her (spooning usually) and not for sex. So ladies I do all that I know and can as a man to let my wife know I love her, care about her, and that I want her physical closeness in every days situations as well as for sexual intimacy. But all my efforts have failed to make her interested in wanting sex. I feel very rejected and it makes me very sad. It seems to me that just the thought of starting sex is too much for her even though she readily admits that once she gets going she loves it very much. It just I cannot get her to "get going".

So I have started to change my approach and this is where I need your advice ladies if you think this is a good idea that might work.

Basically I have started to NOT always approach her with kisses and hugs and daily physical contact unless SHE initiates it. In the last week I have noticed that SHE will come to me for physical contact (a hug, hand holding and such) and then I will respond in kind. Most importantly, I started to no longer initiate sex. So for the last 3 weeks I have not tried to initiate any sex (of course we have had no sex). When we go to bed, I will not hold her unless she reaches out to me (to my disappointment she has not reached out to me much).

What I am hoping to change is that instead of me "chasing her" all the time (which maybe she finds me too weak and eager as a result), reverse the dynamic so that she feels the need to start "chasing me". The ultimate goal would be to see if this might change how she feels about me physically and will end up with her starting to initiate sex again. Maybe she needs to feel a little "insecure" by my lack of "asking for sex" that will cause "her to want me" to come to her sexually. I am very afraid thought that instead of getting her to change, my lack of initiating sex will actually totally shut the door on her wanting sex at all (will she think "good God he finally has had enough of sex"...lol ). This might be a high risk gamble in some ways.

 

Ladies this is what I need your help with. What do you think of my new approach? Do you think that this may work or have the opposite effect? Should I forget about it and just go back to initiating all the time and getting it once is a great while (yes we are talking months not weeks here). Any other suggestions other that therapy? That might be next.

[just_some_guy]

How is all the basic stuff? Brush, floss, teeth clean and breath fresh, health and appearance being taken care of, hair and body clean and nice smelling, weight under control, regular exercise, appropriate and clean clothing on your part?

 

How are the communication channels? The overall stress levels in life?

 

There's a distance there that isn't sex, but it is manifesting in sex.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yet another perfect husband, father, partner getting little to none..... What a bunch of saps we are......

 

Sorry there is no answer. All the men on here with the same gripe and on and on we go...... Each time the end result is almost to a man.... no change. As I have said before, seach Giotto, JameM, Mem11363 and my profiles and you will read countless posts, many suggestions and few success stories......

 

And if you want to be frightened to no end search Lizzie60, who'll tell you your wife is faking it, is no longer in love with you and loves sex, but it eventually will be with someone else....

 

Sorry..... What is, is....

[PKB57]

Well In that department there are no complaints. I am very well groomed, very clean, yes I floss and see my dentist twice a year. No weight problems (5' 8" 163 lbs). I'm very fit, work out at the gym twice a week. Sometimes I wear a one of my tight t-shirts and my wife always comments on how sexy I look in it. Yes I try to look my best. My wife actually has struggled with weight and she has been able to lose some and she really is very happy about herself now. I never cared about excess pounds and have never made any issue of it. My only concern is to have her feel good about herself. So we eat very well (healthy) and all than.

 

Thanks guys for the input....but where are the ladies? Help

[TinyLee222]

Well In that department there are no complaints. I am very well groomed, very clean, yes I floss and see my dentist twice a year. No weight problems (5' 8" 163 lbs). I'm very fit, work out at the gym twice a week. Sometimes I wear a one of my tight t-shirts and my wife always comments on how sexy I look in it. Yes I try to look my best. My wife actually has struggled with weight and she has been able to lose some and she really is very happy about herself now. I never cared about excess pounds and have never made any issue of it. My only concern is to have her feel good about herself. So we eat very well (healthy) and all than.

 

Thanks guys for the input....but where are the ladies? Help

 

Ok, Let's get this out of the way first:

 

1) Is she depressed?

2) Is she having an affair?

3) Is she majorly pissed off at you and witholding because she is rensentful

 

Ok, if you can rule these things out maybe you are just too available.

"The Nice Guy Syndrome". She knows you want her and will do anything

to get her. I really agree with the Alpha, Beta theory that Mem posts

about. Back off. Go out an hour or two during the weak nights. Tell

her you are going out with a few buddies or are going to the gym. Stop

the physical displays of affection. Trust me, if the three things I didn't

mention first aren't a factor in why she has no desire, your change of

behavior will make her wonder whats going on. Back off. Let her wonder

and see if she responds. Good Luck.

 

Lee

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Well In that department there are no complaints. I am very well groomed, very clean, yes I floss and see my dentist twice a year. No weight problems (5' 8" 163 lbs). I'm very fit, work out at the gym twice a week. Sometimes I wear a one of my tight t-shirts and my wife always comments on how sexy I look in it. Yes I try to look my best. My wife actually has struggled with weight and she has been able to lose some and she really is very happy about herself now. I never cared about excess pounds and have never made any issue of it. My only concern is to have her feel good about herself. So we eat very well (healthy) and all than.

 

Thanks guys for the input....but where are the ladies? Help

 

and if women do answer, trust me, you may not like what they have to say..... BTW it is JamesM, and he has done the most exhaustive search as to his no-sex marriage......

[mem11363]

You CAN change this dynamic but you need to be willing to create tension and anxiety. I freely admit to having a higher drive than my wife. But my wife respects me enough to offer herself to me almost every night.

 

And I love and respect HER enough that I would NEVER say yes to her on a night where I can tell she is tired/depressed/upset. She is a stable person and she has a healthy lifestyle so she is not tired/depressed/upset most nights. But my point is that on each night I try to be 100 percent about what she wants and she tries to be 100 percent about what I want.

 

And it was not always like that. And we did have friction. But my wife understands that it is not acceptable to sexually ignore me. And in fact it took a long time but she does understand how big a deal it is for her to ask me almost nightly "what kind of night is tonight?" And I do NOT agree with the guys who say women only respond well to jerky/selfish/aggressive guys. On the nights she is "off" I just smile and say it is all about you tonight baby. And then I am extra special nice.

 

But in the old days we used to have arguments/fights about sex and about her not making me and my needs as high a priority as I felt I made her needs.

 

TDP is very negative/fatalistic about this. And my only comment is that the guys who are willing to have REAL conflict with their wives can fix this. The guys who are only willing to talk about his/her feelings with their wives have basically zero chance of success. Because she already KNOWS how you feel and knows you are frustrated/upset hurt. She is only going to react to behavior. And I do not mean yelling/screaming/threatening. That is toxic and weak.

 

I mean - you start to withdraw in a real way. Like she hugs you and you don't hug her back. And when she says "what is wrong" you just say "my needs are not a high priority to you - until that gets fixed I am feeling increasingly disconnected from you". And that WILL provoke a response - she may threaten YOU. But it will also provoke change.

 

But one thing that really helped me is that my wife openly told me it turns her on when I show her an edge, am aggressive, physically overpower her maybe get a little rough sexually. I NEVER would have figured that out on my own so I am grateful for that. The most common google search is married women wanting to know how to get their husbands to be more dominant.

 

 

Yet another perfect husband, father, partner getting little to none..... What a bunch of saps we are......

 

Sorry there is no answer. All the men on here with the same gripe and on and on we go...... Each time the end result is almost to a man.... no change. As I have said before, seach Giotto, JameM, Mem11363 and my profiles and you will read countless posts, many suggestions and few success stories......

 

And if you want to be frightened to no end search Lizzie60, who'll tell you your wife is faking it, is no longer in love with you and loves sex, but it eventually will be with someone else....

 

Sorry..... What is, is....

[PKB57]

TinyLee222 - to answer your 3 questions:

 

1) Is she depressed?

2) Is she having an affair?

3) Is she majorly pissed off at you and witholding because she is rensentful

 

All 3 a big NO. Yes I believe the "nice guy syndrome" here is at play which is why I am not starting to not initiate physical contact or sex anymore as I described in my initial thread. So do I conclude that you would agree with that approach to be at least a starting point?

[BettyBoop]

I'm a girl and I think we can be pretty sure that what you did before didn't work - so it'd be the definition of insanity to do that.

 

Sex isnt that big of a deal for me, it's is alright but not great. My partner sees it as something very important and if I do not initiate often he feels rejected and unloved. And he SHOWS ME THIS. By stopping to initiate and telling me "I am not happy about this. I feel like you don't see this as a priority to please me sexually. I want you to want me like I want you." And that makes me try harder because I want to make him happy and make him feel desired. I try my best to be in the mood more often and initiate. It makes us happier.

 

You NEED TO TELL YOUR WIFE THIS. I agree with the other posters - unless you'll be tough and stand up for your needs - she won't change. You are unhappy and feel rejected - tell her this. Otherwise she will be happy the way things are. While you won't be. Unless you step up you will stay in the almost-no-sex-marriage. She will think everything is fine the way it is unless you do make it clear to her that it is not.

[mem11363]

Women are mentally programmed to easily handle and ignore an almost unlimited amount of whining complaining. It is part of the reason they are better with young children than men are. So talking/whining/complaining has almost zero impact.

 

I have read the following statement hundreds of times from "women" posting. They say "my husband kept telling me that sex was really important, but I didn't really understand it until he did "XYZ" and whatever XYZ was it was something that impacted HER.

 

Sexual starvation adversely effects a mans stress hormones which eventually results in a lifespan impact. This is serious stuff. It is no different than if you were emotionally abusive to your wife in a way that chronically elevated her stress hormones.

 

We have some simple house rules. If either of us asks for sex - the other can either say yes or they can promise sex the next night. And we are both good regarding follow through on that.

 

The last thing I will tell you is that some women like to feel scared. Yes they also want to feel protected. The two are not mutually exclusive. I have no idea why my wife wants me to scare her to a degree - but she does. And denying her that - is a bad mistake. I wonder if your wife deep down wants to find out just how tough you are in terms of getting what you want. By the way - tough - for me is mainly focusing on other stuff and deprioritizing her if I need to.

 

I KNOW my wife does regular male fitness tests on me. They are stressful sometimes but the payoff for passing them is a steady stream of brand new girlfriend quality sex.

 

 

I'm a girl and I think we can be pretty sure that what you did before didn't work - so it'd be the definition of insanity to do that.

 

Sex isnt that big of a deal for me, it's is alright but not great. My partner sees it as something very important and if I do not initiate often he feels rejected and unloved. And he SHOWS ME THIS. By stopping to initiate and telling me "I am not happy about this. I feel like you don't see this as a priority to please me sexually. I want you to want me like I want you." And that makes me try harder because I want to make him happy and make him feel desired. I try my best to be in the mood more often and initiate. It makes us happier.

 

You NEED TO TELL YOUR WIFE THIS. I agree with the other posters - unless you'll be tough and stand up for your needs - she won't change. You are unhappy and feel rejected - tell her this. Otherwise she will be happy the way things are. While you won't be. Unless you step up you will stay in the almost-no-sex-marriage. She will think everything is fine the way it is unless you do make it clear to her that it is not.

Edited February 15, 2010 by mem11363

[TinyLee222]

TinyLee222 - to answer your 3 questions:

 

1) Is she depressed?

2) Is she having an affair?

3) Is she majorly pissed off at you and witholding because she is rensentful

 

All 3 a big NO. Yes I believe the "nice guy syndrome" here is at play which is why I am not starting to not initiate physical contact or sex anymore as I described in my initial thread. So do I conclude that you would agree with that approach to be at least a starting point?

 

 

Yes I agree it's a starting point. If it's the "nice guy syndrome" at play

she'll eventually respond. You won't be predictable and the mystery

will be a challange for her. If there is something else going on a

good sit down with her is needed. You are still young and living

with no affection sucks the life out of you. She needs to know how

unhappy you are with the situation. If nothing gets resolved maybe

sex therapy? I want to let you know that most women would

be happy with 1/4 of what you express to your wife:)

 

Lee,( a been there done that 40's something woman)

[wizer]

Dude if she's always tired and you always try to initiate it at night, change your approach. Get her first thing in the morning after a good night's sleep.

 

At least then if she says she's tired you know she's just BSing you.

[PKB57]

Thanks Wiser for the following:

 

Dude if she's always tired and you always try to initiate it at night, change your approach. Get her first thing in the morning after a good night's sleep.

 

At least then if she says she's tired you know she's just BSing you.

 

Maybe you didn't get all my initial thread, but yes of course I try mornings and afternoons where possible. I'd say that my track records is slightly better in the mornings than at night. But yes mostly at that time it's also a no go (didn't sleep well, achy back...........)

[wizer]

I'd say that my track records is slightly better in the mornings than at night. But yes mostly at that time it's also a no go (didn't sleep well, achy back...........)

 

You and I both know it's just a bunch of excuses.

 

Unfortunately there's no easy fix for the lack of desire for sex in long term marriages. Now you know why so many people stray.

 

And can you blame them?

[CarrieT]

after we do have sex she says she needs to do this more often.

 

Here is another angle -- after you DO have sex and she makes this statement, why don't you ASK her, "So, darling, why do you think it is that we don't do this more often?"

 

Give her a chance with an open-ended question to reflect and respond as to why SHE THINKS it isn't happening as often as you want and desire? Don't berate her, beg, or even indicate how much it means to you. Just ask the open-ended question and let her start talking. Then listen.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Unfortunately there's no easy fix for the lack of desire for sex in long term marriages. Now you know why so many people stray.

 

And can you blame them?

 

Yeah, I can blame them. Lack of sex is no good reason to stray!

 

If it can't be worked out, get a divorce! Then you don't have to 'cheat' or be 'unfaithful...'

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Here is another angle -- after you DO have sex and she makes this statement, why don't you ASK her, "So, darling, why do you think it is that we don't do this more often?"

 

Give her a chance with an open-ended question to reflect and respond as to why SHE THINKS it isn't happening as often as you want and desire? Don't berate her, beg, or even indicate how much it means to you. Just ask the open-ended question and let her start talking. Then listen.

 

Makes 100% sense and way too simple. Unfortunately the answer is usually convoluted or not what you want to hear.....

 

Mem11363, yes I am negative (and I promise I have a pretty good marriage and more sex then most complaining here:p). The point is in 9 months on here and particularly focused on this "problem", there has been nothing but talk, really seemingly simple solutions and not one success story..... Many have disappeared from LS, with not a single returing to say they had made a breakthrough, except one from Europe who was serial cheating behind his wife's back while on a work assignment..... Sorry no one is offering me a work assignment out of the country:p.....

[PKB57]

Here is another angle -- after you DO have sex and she makes this statement, why don't you ASK her, "So, darling, why do you think it is that we don't do this more often?"

 

Give her a chance with an open-ended question to reflect and respond as to why SHE THINKS it isn't happening as often as you want and desire? Don't berate her, beg, or even indicate how much it means to you. Just ask the open-ended question and let her start talking. Then listen.

 

I sure have asked that question after it comes up (and absolutely tell her we should do it more ofter). Her answer is basically that it takes so much effort and energy for her to get to the point to be ready for sex which she enjoys very much. The only way as a man I can understand this is by thinking it's like having to climb a long and steep hill for her, and when she get to the top (ready for sex) it all down hill and easy and enjoyable......but climbing that hill first......there is the problem. And I should say that it's not all physical.

[silverfish]

I sure have asked that question after it comes up (and absolutely tell her we should do it more ofter). Her answer is basically that it takes so much effort and energy for her to get to the point to be ready for sex which she enjoys very much. The only way as a man I can understand this is by thinking it's like having to climb a long and steep hill for her, and when she get to the top (ready for sex) it all down hill and easy and enjoyable......but climbing that hill first......there is the problem. And I should say that it's not all physical.

 

I think IME, its the idea that 'climbing the hill' always has to result in an orgasm for the man, or because the man wants sex. There is such a thing as just doing those flirty / sexual gestures for no reason, other than to just *do them*, without the inevitable 'here we go again' boredom seting in.

 

What I mean is....have you ever thought about just trying to satisfy her sexually, just for a few weeks, and not just by the obvious methods. Just tease her by flirting, being physical, but holding back yourself. Give her a massage, cuddle, whatever but just leave it at that - get her off... unless she initiates.

 

I have to say, having been in a similar position, that there is nothing worse sometimes than thinking that there is an 'end' to whatever moves your partner is making on you. Why not try just getting her off, and leaving your own needs out of it for now, because the chance is, if you're doing it right, she'll want you when she's there herself anyway...in fact if you're doing it right she'll be begging you for it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think IME, its the idea that 'climbing the hill' always has to result in an orgasm for the man, or because the man wants sex. There is such a thing as just doing those flirty / sexual gestures for no reason, other than to just *do them*, without the inevitable 'here we go again' boredom seting in.

 

What I mean is....have you ever thought about just trying to satisfy her sexually, just for a few weeks, and not just by the obvious methods. Just tease her by flirting, being physical, but holding back yourself. Give her a massage, cuddle, whatever but just leave it at that - get her off... unless she initiates.

 

I have to say, having been in a similar position, that there is nothing worse sometimes than thinking that there is an 'end' to whatever moves your partner is making on you. Why not try just getting her off, and leaving your own needs out of it for now, because the chance is, if you're doing it right, she'll want you when she's there herself anyway...in fact if you're doing it right she'll be begging you for it.

 

but why????? He's the one not getting enough. These excuses just get old and tired..... Unless he is demanding sex 3X's a day, I don't get it.

 

I will be blunt and talk for most of us men..... None of us are asking (though maybe hoping) for sex more then 1X/wk or for marathon 4 Hour sexcapades (though I may be wrong:cool:)..... Doesn't sound like a huge request when the women are Orgasming.... But as said I am really thick and stoopid..... and

[silverfish]

but why????? He's the one not getting enough. These excuses just get old and tired..... Unless he is demanding sex 3X's a day, I don't get it.

 

I will be blunt and talk for most of us men..... None of us are asking (though maybe hoping) for sex more then 1X/wk or for marathon 4 Hour sexcapades (though I may be wrong:cool:)..... Doesn't sound like a huge request when the women are Orgasming.... But as said I am really thick and stoopid..... and

 

Well he asked for a womans POV and also never said whether his wife has an orgasm or not. You arent thick but women will have sex for a long time *to keep the man happy*, and then get to the point where they get hacked off with it if they aren't having fun themselves.

 

I am being honest and always will be from now on in my life and not pretend I'm having a good time when I'm not....a lot of women do. I have to say though, some men don't take kindly to talking about the lack of female sexual satisfaction.

 

I've been asking for a while on here how to go about bringing that up with a long term partner, because frankly, for me, it means either say some thing or find someone new. Its the male ego that gets in the way sometimes

[CarrieT]

I sure have asked that question after it comes up (and absolutely tell her we should do it more ofter). Her answer is basically that it takes so much effort and energy for her to get to the point to be ready for sex which she enjoys very much. The only way as a man I can understand this is by thinking it's like having to climb a long and steep hill for her, and when she get to the top (ready for sex) it all down hill and easy and enjoyable......but climbing that hill first......there is the problem. And I should say that it's not all physical.

 

You have already answered that you have said one of the very things I recommended against; that you said "absolutely tell her we should do it more often." You are reinforcing YOUR desire without going further in the conversation as to WHY "it takes so much effort and energy." There is a disconnect in her that makes sex "so much effort and energy" and you need to determine what that is and how to help alleviate those aspects.

 

Bear in mind, for many women (me included) the orgasm DOES take time and despite it feeling good, there are so many other pressures in life that pervade our minds (whether or not the man is helping out), that we feel we should be taking care of other issues.

 

There is also the fact that many of us don't feel we DESERVE the pleasure and that we have to continue working to prove ourselves.

[silverfish]

You have already answered that you have said one of the very things I recommended against; that you said "absolutely tell her we should do it more often." You are reinforcing YOUR desire without going further in the conversation as to WHY "it takes so much effort and energy." There is a disconnect in her that makes sex "so much effort and energy" and you need to determine what that is and how to help alleviate those aspects.

 

Bear in mind, for many women (me included) the orgasm DOES take time and despite it feeling good, there are so many other pressures in life that pervade our minds (whether or not the man is helping out), that we feel we should be taking care of other issues.

 

There is also the fact that many of us don't feel we DESERVE the pleasure and that we have to continue working to prove ourselves.

 

This is a very good post - take heed, because this is how I disconnected, and a lot of women seem to as well from what I read on here.

 

That whole 'making time for eachother' thing doesn't just mean 'lets have more sex', it means, lets remember why we fell in love, and not only that, but at our age we should be doing it better...its about getting back to the technicalities of how a woman ie your W...enjoys sex. Bear in mind, she may have had children, and put a lot of energy into them, she may be working, she may feel older and less desirable....she may be all those things...Shes a different woman to the one you met...and that's a good thing hopefully in all other areas of your life

 

BUT also at the peak of her sexual awareness, she may feel that men find her desirable and that you don't show her that, she may start feeling her sex drive is higher,and she wants sexual satisfaction herself whereas before she was content with the same old. Its time to reinvent your sex life, but its up to her too..talk to her.