Wife's lack of sexual desire

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Well he asked for a womans POV and also never said whether his wife has an orgasm or not. You arent thick but women will have sex for a long time *to keep the man happy*, and then get to the point where they get hacked off with it if they aren't having fun themselves.

 

I am being honest and always will be from now on in my life and not pretend I'm having a good time when I'm not....a lot of women do. I have to say though, some men don't take kindly to talking about the lack of female sexual satisfaction.

 

I've been asking for a while on here how to go about bringing that up with a long term partner, because frankly, for me, it means either say some thing or find someone new. Its the male ego that gets in the way sometimes

 

He only said she liked it, did not say whether she orgasmed.... I jumped to that conclusion seeing they have been together some 20 years.....

 

I always think back to the first Bachelorette Trista who admitted that she did not orgasm (or had not)..... She married Ryan (a fireman I think) and they have had children and they appear every once in a while on the cover of People (or similar magazine). I do wonder whether things have changed in that department.

[giotto]

I mean - you start to withdraw in a real way. Like she hugs you and you don't hug her back. And when she says "what is wrong" you just say "my needs are not a high priority to you - until that gets fixed I am feeling increasingly disconnected from you". And that WILL provoke a response - she may threaten YOU. But it will also provoke change.

 

 

I don't know what you've done to your wife, but it seems to me that she is with you because she is scared... you give me that impression. It might not be true.

 

When sex is the problem, we tend to forget that our wife owns her boy and she can do whatever she likes with it. Trying to "trick" her to have sex with you is morally wrong. My wife doesn't and she would never agree to sex if she doesn't feel like sex. Scaring somebody into having sex is wrong. If the marriage is sexless, I would suggest therapy and, if it still doesn't work, you either accept it or leave... sexless marriages happen and very often there is no cure...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I don't know what you've done to your wife, but it seems to me that she is with you because she is scared... you give me that impression. It might not be true.

 

When sex is the problem, we tend to forget that our wife owns her boy and she can do whatever she likes with it. Trying to "trick" her to have sex with you is morally wrong. My wife doesn't and she would never agree to sex if she doesn't feel like sex. Scaring somebody into having sex is wrong. If the marriage is sexless, I would suggest therapy and, if it still doesn't work, you either accept it or leave... sexless marriages happen and very often there is no cure...

 

And he purports (and seems) to have the best marriage around here.... Us wusses on the other hand just complain and go nowhere spinning our wheels. As you initmate Giotto, it all comes down to "luck of the draw", and frankly as i read more and more on LS, I came out really lucky in that regard....

[giotto]

and frankly as i read more and more on LS, I came out really lucky in that regard....

 

show-off! lol...

[mem11363]

Giotto,

To the best of my knowledge my wifes sexual behavior is primarily driven by love. That is what she says - and that is how she acts. I admit that I have succeeded in getting her to truly understand what a testosterone filled life feels like and THAT makes her much nicer to me in this area. But understanding does not equal fear.

 

And while it is true that she has a healthy fear of me - it is the exact same as the healthy fear I have of her. When provoked, she is scary. When I am provoked the same is true. Not physically scary though - there is zero physical violence/intimidation in our marriage. Nobody throws stuff, yells and screams, etc.

 

But I am a humor/analytical driven person not an anger driven person. I have gotten angry over sex once in the last year, I didn't raise my voice and it lasted about 10 minutes. And as an FYI it did not change the outcome, we didn't have sex. LOL - so much for the fear driven approach eh?

 

If you asked her "would your husband tolerate a sexless marriage simply because you chose not to have sex with him?" Her response - and this would be HER response even if I was far away on a business trip - would be:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

When you marry someone you join your lives and your bodies, so while my body is still mine it is also his. On any given night I can deny him his desires, and when that happens I expect him to be gracious about it. But to simply tell him that he can no longer have me, THAT is a breach of our vows. And to keep him in a perpetually sexually frustrated state by starving him with a low frequency of sex - THAT is simply cruel and I cannot do THAT and claim to love him because it is not love to deny your man this most basic/core need.

 

And I cannot say to my husband:

I refuse to have sex with you, but demand you have sex with no one else. That is abusive. With the huge commitment of sexual fidelity, comes a huge responsibility for me to physically express my love.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

So why is it you think fear is the reason my wife gives me geisha girl quality sex?

 

 

 

I don't know what you've done to your wife, but it seems to me that she is with you because she is scared... you give me that impression. It might not be true.

 

When sex is the problem, we tend to forget that our wife owns her boy and she can do whatever she likes with it. Trying to "trick" her to have sex with you is morally wrong. My wife doesn't and she would never agree to sex if she doesn't feel like sex. Scaring somebody into having sex is wrong. If the marriage is sexless, I would suggest therapy and, if it still doesn't work, you either accept it or leave... sexless marriages happen and very often there is no cure...

Edited February 16, 2010 by mem11363

[giotto]

 

So why is it you think fear is the reason my wife gives me geisha girl quality sex?

 

 

I have no idea...

[PKB57]

I think IME, its the idea that 'climbing the hill' always has to result in an orgasm for the man, or because the man wants sex. There is such a thing as just doing those flirty / sexual gestures for no reason, other than to just *do them*, without the inevitable 'here we go again' boredom seting in.

 

What I mean is....have you ever thought about just trying to satisfy her sexually, just for a few weeks, and not just by the obvious methods. Just tease her by flirting, being physical, but holding back yourself. Give her a massage, cuddle, whatever but just leave it at that - get her off... unless she initiates.

 

I have to say, having been in a similar position, that there is nothing worse sometimes than thinking that there is an 'end' to whatever moves your partner is making on you. Why not try just getting her off, and leaving your own needs out of it for now, because the chance is, if you're doing it right, she'll want you when she's there herself anyway...in fact if you're doing it right she'll be begging you for it.

 

Absolutely. I frequently give her massages, or neck rubs and back scratches (she loves those) all JUST for the sake of intimate contact WITHOUT leading to sex. Very close cuddling at night without sex is something we do frequently. I am very sensitive to making sure that intimate contact is NOT only for the means to sex. During the day I will frequently kiss, hug, hold, etc. so that there is lots of intimate contact all the time. I am a very affectionate person by nature.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Absolutely. I frequently give her massages, or neck rubs and back scratches (she loves those) all JUST for the sake of intimate contact WITHOUT leading to sex. Very close cuddling at night without sex is something we do frequently. I am very sensitive to making sure that intimate contact is NOT only for the means to sex. During the day I will frequently kiss, hug, hold, etc. so that there is lots of intimate contact all the time. I am a very affectionate person by nature.

 

Never thought this was an important question (take it as a given)..... But reading more and more I know very little.....

 

I saw that and that made me see red, when others gave advise saying to do those things without expecting sex. Most men here will tell you they do all that and while deep in the recesses of their mind hope it leads to sex, know that it won't.....

[mem11363]

Guys - this is ludicrous. You ACT as if sexual desire is something you should be ashamed of. WTF?

 

I also give wife massage/touch etc. without "always" expecting sex. But touch creating male sexual desire is more the norm than not and I am so NOT ashamed/embarrassed by that. If my wife wanted a sex free marriage she could have married a repressed homosexual doesn't find her desirable.

 

When a guy says I give me wife all this touch love "massage, scratch, etc. and I never expect anything back" I just wonder - "How would you feel if you had a child in such a one sided relationship?" Because I KNOW how I would feel - homicidal. So why are you teaching your kids by example it is ok to have your needs completely blown off.

 

9 times out of 10 she rejects you. And you are still massaging/scratching taking care of her needs.

 

You really think your wife wants you to show this little respect for yourself?

Never thought this was an important question (take it as a given)..... But reading more and more I know very little.....

 

I saw that and that made me see red, when others gave advise saying to do those things without expecting sex. Most men here will tell you they do all that and while deep in the recesses of their mind hope it leads to sex, know that it won't.....

[Jersey Shortie]

This might shock some but I agree with mem and think he is giving, for the most part, pretty good advice.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Guys - this is ludicrous. You ACT as if sexual desire is something you should be ashamed of. WTF?

 

I also give wife massage/touch etc. without "always" expecting sex. But touch creating male sexual desire is more the norm than not and I am so NOT ashamed/embarrassed by that. If my wife wanted a sex free marriage she could have married a repressed homosexual doesn't find her desirable.

 

When a guy says I give me wife all this touch love "massage, scratch, etc. and I never expect anything back" I just wonder - "How would you feel if you had a child in such a one sided relationship?" Because I KNOW how I would feel - homicidal. So why are you teaching your kids by example it is ok to have your needs completely blown off.

 

9 times out of 10 she rejects you. And you are still massaging/scratching taking care of her needs.

 

You really think your wife wants you to show this little respect for yourself?

 

I was saying that many spouses have a close physical relationship that does not result in sex each and everytime. I resent being brought into this by you.

 

I was responding to Silverfish who sent those old tired comments, that a sexually starved spouse should do more sexual innuendos without expecting sex...... A true oxymoron.

[PKB57]

You have already answered that you have said one of the very things I recommended against; that you said "absolutely tell her we should do it more often." You are reinforcing YOUR desire without going further in the conversation as to WHY "it takes so much effort and energy." There is a disconnect in her that makes sex "so much effort and energy" and you need to determine what that is and how to help alleviate those aspects.

 

Bear in mind, for many women (me included) the orgasm DOES take time and despite it feeling good, there are so many other pressures in life that pervade our minds (whether or not the man is helping out), that we feel we should be taking care of other issues.

 

There is also the fact that many of us don't feel we DESERVE the pleasure and that we have to continue working to prove ourselves.

 

I think you might have taken my response out of context. I was simply AGREEING with my wife when she tells me "we should do this more often" or "why don't we do this more". Usually this is said in a very play full and I respond in a very playful way and AGREE with her that all.

 

The WHY is something she has told me on some many different occasions.....mostly "too tired", "need to get sleep I'm working in the morning", "have a head ache", "back or neck ache", "too much on my mind". These are the most common. My response it to try to FIGURE out WHEN these issues are not in play. It would be nice if she said to me once in a while "honey, tomorrow I don't have to work, i feel good, lets go to bed early........wink wink". I long to hear SOMETHING like that. And ladies, I don't care if she take 2 hours before she is "ready".....sometimes when she is in the mood for intimacy we simply talk for a while in bed (naked and all) before we initiate any kind of contact (I call this mental foreplay...lol). All I want is to love her when she wants.........BUT SHE NEVER SEEMS TO WANT on her own.

So it up to me to initiate and I try to figure out if this is a "good" time. So I NEVER initiate on a work day, or if she is getting up early on a day to go to church, or when the kids are around, or if she seems to have had a difficult day, or if she seems not to be feel good, or did not sleep well. I do the best I can. I have also tried to simply ask if she is interested, but that never seemed to work either. So I try the best I can to figure out when is a good time. Needless to say, the opportunities are not very many when you have so many obstocles to avoid, yet I still get turned down mostly. My wife has on countless occasion said to me "it not you its me" and "this does not mean I don't love you" yet I never get any solutions to what could be done here. Ladies, I'm not asking a lot I don't think. I love my wife and would like to be intimate. I don't like to think in terms of frequency numbers but I think you might agree that when frequency is measured in months.....there is a problem. There are few men that you can find to be more caring and understanding than me I can assure you of that. I am at a point where I can no longer continue as the SOLE partner here trying to make sure we have intimacy in our marriage. It is the reason why I came here to ask for your opinion on my NEW approach which is simply to pull back and NOT initiate ANYMORE neither sex nor ANY intimate contact and see where it leads. Please review my 1st tread. As I said before, what I fear is that I will discover is that by doing so (not initiating anymore) I will find that my wife might be glad that sex is over but I hope that will not be the case.

Someone here called this the "too nice guy syndrome". I'm just too nice, too accommodating, too concerned, too willing to make the compromise, too willing to make all the effort.........and the result is? That is very dishartening for sure.

 

In our social circle I'm know to women as such a great guy and how lucky my wife is.........I now wonder what that really means.

 

I think I'm in a lose-lose situation. I lose because I'm too nice and have to become jerk to get my wife to "want me again" AND I lose if she really could not care less if she never has sex again.

 

[silverfish]

I think you might have taken my response out of context. I was simply AGREEING with my wife when she tells me "we should do this more often" or "why don't we do this more". Usually this is said in a very play full and I respond in a very playful way and AGREE with her that all.

 

The WHY is something she has told me on some many different occasions.....mostly "too tired", "need to get sleep I'm working in the morning", "have a head ache", "back or neck ache", "too much on my mind". These are the most common. My response it to try to FIGURE out WHEN these issues are not in play. It would be nice if she said to me once in a while "honey, tomorrow I don't have to work, i feel good, lets go to bed early........wink wink". I long to hear SOMETHING like that. And ladies, I don't care if she take 2 hours before she is "ready".....sometimes when she is in the mood for intimacy we simply talk for a while in bed (naked and all) before we initiate any kind of contact (I call this mental foreplay...lol). All I want is to love her when she wants.........BUT SHE NEVER SEEMS TO WANT on her own.

So it up to me to initiate and I try to figure out if this is a "good" time. So I NEVER initiate on a work day, or if she is getting up early on a day to go to church, or when the kids are around, or if she seems to have had a difficult day, or if she seems not to be feel good, or did not sleep well. I do the best I can. I have also tried to simply ask if she is interested, but that never seemed to work either. So I try the best I can to figure out when is a good time. Needless to say, the opportunities are not very many when you have so many obstocles to avoid, yet I still get turned down mostly. My wife has on countless occasion said to me "it not you its me" and "this does not mean I don't love you" yet I never get any solutions to what could be done here. Ladies, I'm not asking a lot I don't think. I love my wife and would like to be intimate. I don't like to think in terms of frequency numbers but I think you might agree that when frequency is measured in months.....there is a problem. There are few men that you can find to be more caring and understanding than me I can assure you of that. I am at a point where I can no longer continue as the SOLE partner here trying to make sure we have intimacy in our marriage. It is the reason why I came here to ask for your opinion on my NEW approach which is simply to pull back and NOT initiate ANYMORE neither sex nor ANY intimate contact and see where it leads. Please review my 1st tread. As I said before, what I fear is that I will discover is that by doing so (not initiating anymore) I will find that my wife might be glad that sex is over but I hope that will not be the case.

Someone here called this the "too nice guy syndrome". I'm just too nice, too accommodating, too concerned, too willing to make the compromise, too willing to make all the effort.........and the result is? That is very dishartening for sure.

 

In our social circle I'm know to women as such a great guy and how lucky my wife is.........I now wonder what that really means.

 

I think I'm in a lose-lose situation. I lose because I'm too nice and have to become jerk to get my wife to "want me again" AND I lose if she really could not care less if she never has sex again.

 

 

Well given all this, and assuming that your W does have orgasms, have you tried discussing this with her?

 

I doubt very much that she couldn't care less if she never has sex again. It sounds like theres a bit more to it on her part, and counselling might help if she finds it impossible to open up to you about it

[silverfish]

I was saying that many spouses have a close physical relationship that does not result in sex each and everytime. I resent being brought into this by you.

 

I was responding to Silverfish who sent those old tired comments, that a sexually starved spouse should do more sexual innuendos without expecting sex...... A true oxymoron.

 

I don't know about sexual innuendos....thoughts of Benny Hill flashed through my mind.

 

I meant that being physical shouldn't always have to lead to sex, whether the man is sex starved or not. If she isn't enjoying it for whatever reason, then they need to figure out the reason why not.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I think you might have taken my response out of context. I was simply AGREEING with my wife when she tells me "we should do this more often" or "why don't we do this more". Usually this is said in a very play full and I respond in a very playful way and AGREE with her that all.

 

The WHY is something she has told me on some many different occasions.....mostly "too tired", "need to get sleep I'm working in the morning", "have a head ache", "back or neck ache", "too much on my mind". These are the most common. My response it to try to FIGURE out WHEN these issues are not in play. It would be nice if she said to me once in a while "honey, tomorrow I don't have to work, i feel good, lets go to bed early........wink wink". I long to hear SOMETHING like that. And ladies, I don't care if she take 2 hours before she is "ready".....sometimes when she is in the mood for intimacy we simply talk for a while in bed (naked and all) before we initiate any kind of contact (I call this mental foreplay...lol). All I want is to love her when she wants.........BUT SHE NEVER SEEMS TO WANT on her own.

So it up to me to initiate and I try to figure out if this is a "good" time. So I NEVER initiate on a work day, or if she is getting up early on a day to go to church, or when the kids are around, or if she seems to have had a difficult day, or if she seems not to be feel good, or did not sleep well. I do the best I can. I have also tried to simply ask if she is interested, but that never seemed to work either. So I try the best I can to figure out when is a good time. Needless to say, the opportunities are not very many when you have so many obstocles to avoid, yet I still get turned down mostly. My wife has on countless occasion said to me "it not you its me" and "this does not mean I don't love you" yet I never get any solutions to what could be done here. Ladies, I'm not asking a lot I don't think. I love my wife and would like to be intimate. I don't like to think in terms of frequency numbers but I think you might agree that when frequency is measured in months.....there is a problem. There are few men that you can find to be more caring and understanding than me I can assure you of that. I am at a point where I can no longer continue as the SOLE partner here trying to make sure we have intimacy in our marriage. It is the reason why I came here to ask for your opinion on my NEW approach which is simply to pull back and NOT initiate ANYMORE neither sex nor ANY intimate contact and see where it leads. Please review my 1st tread. As I said before, what I fear is that I will discover is that by doing so (not initiating anymore) I will find that my wife might be glad that sex is over but I hope that will not be the case.

Someone here called this the "too nice guy syndrome". I'm just too nice, too accommodating, too concerned, too willing to make the compromise, too willing to make all the effort.........and the result is? That is very dishartening for sure.

 

In our social circle I'm know to women as such a great guy and how lucky my wife is.........I now wonder what that really means.

 

I think I'm in a lose-lose situation. I lose because I'm too nice and have to become jerk to get my wife to "want me again" AND I lose if she really could not care less if she never has sex again.

 

 

I think you are putting way too much thought into it. I suppose I might do the same if I was in your shoes.

 

I have a question for you.

 

Lets say that things continue exactly as they have for as long as you 'allowed' them to. Is there a point where you would call it quits? 6 more months, a year, two years? Or are you going to live with this forever if it persists? Honestly? If you ask regularly, you get shot down 9 out of ten times and are sexually intimate once every couple months? Is that correct?

[PKB57]

Well given all this, and assuming that your W does have orgasms, have you tried discussing this with her?

 

I doubt very much that she couldn't care less if she never has sex again. It sounds like theres a bit more to it on her part, and counselling might help if she finds it impossible to open up to you about it

 

Well no I haven't had like a full blown hard discussion about this like a "sit down" type of thing. And yes she does have orgasms. I'm just not too confident that anything else will come out of it other than what she has said to me in the past along the way. Yes I have thought about therapy but I would think of that as a last resort. What is you opinion om my NOT initiating anymore? If you doubt that she is no longer interested in sex, do you think that this might "awaken" her to start reaching out to me instead?

[silverfish]

Well no I haven't had like a full blown hard discussion about this like a "sit down" type of thing. And yes she does have orgasms. I'm just not too confident that anything else will come out of it other than what she has said to me in the past along the way. Yes I have thought about therapy but I would think of that as a last resort. What is you opinion om my NOT initiating anymore? If you doubt that she is no longer interested in sex, do you think that this might "awaken" her to start reaching out to me instead?

 

I seriously doubt that it will make her initiate (sorry). I would sit her down and have that serious talk. Ask her if she's willing to go to couples sex therapy and discuss it there if she won't talk about it with you. I would have loved it if my ex H had done this with me. He refused to discuss at all, which is one of the reasons we split.

[TinyLee222]

I think you might have taken my response out of context. I was simply AGREEING with my wife when she tells me "we should do this more often" or "why don't we do this more". Usually this is said in a very play full and I respond in a very playful way and AGREE with her that all.

 

The WHY is something she has told me on some many different occasions.....mostly "too tired", "need to get sleep I'm working in the morning", "have a head ache", "back or neck ache", "too much on my mind". These are the most common. My response it to try to FIGURE out WHEN these issues are not in play. It would be nice if she said to me once in a while "honey, tomorrow I don't have to work, i feel good, lets go to bed early........wink wink". I long to hear SOMETHING like that. And ladies, I don't care if she take 2 hours before she is "ready".....sometimes when she is in the mood for intimacy we simply talk for a while in bed (naked and all) before we initiate any kind of contact (I call this mental foreplay...lol). All I want is to love her when she wants.........BUT SHE NEVER SEEMS TO WANT on her own.

So it up to me to initiate and I try to figure out if this is a "good" time. So I NEVER initiate on a work day, or if she is getting up early on a day to go to church, or when the kids are around, or if she seems to have had a difficult day, or if she seems not to be feel good, or did not sleep well. I do the best I can. I have also tried to simply ask if she is interested, but that never seemed to work either. So I try the best I can to figure out when is a good time. Needless to say, the opportunities are not very many when you have so many obstocles to avoid, yet I still get turned down mostly. My wife has on countless occasion said to me "it not you its me" and "this does not mean I don't love you" yet I never get any solutions to what could be done here. Ladies, I'm not asking a lot I don't think. I love my wife and would like to be intimate. I don't like to think in terms of frequency numbers but I think you might agree that when frequency is measured in months.....there is a problem. There are few men that you can find to be more caring and understanding than me I can assure you of that. I am at a point where I can no longer continue as the SOLE partner here trying to make sure we have intimacy in our marriage. It is the reason why I came here to ask for your opinion on my NEW approach which is simply to pull back and NOT initiate ANYMORE neither sex nor ANY intimate contact and see where it leads. Please review my 1st tread. As I said before, what I fear is that I will discover is that by doing so (not initiating anymore) I will find that my wife might be glad that sex is over but I hope that will not be the case.

Someone here called this the "too nice guy syndrome". I'm just too nice, too accommodating, too concerned, too willing to make the compromise, too willing to make all the effort.........and the result is? That is very dishartening for sure.

 

In our social circle I'm know to women as such a great guy and how lucky my wife is.........I now wonder what that really means.

 

I think I'm in a lose-lose situation. I lose because I'm too nice and have to become jerk to get my wife to "want me again" AND I lose if she really could not care less if she never has sex again.

 

 

Who said you have to be a jerk? Pulling back and taking care of your

own needs is essential for your well being. What has she done for

you physically? Have you gotten a massage? Who initiates the cuddling

and affection? You do! It seems quite one sided to me? Backing off

will show you if it's really the alpha/beta thing going on.

 

As a woman I am telling you that those excuses are bull****. Women

in their 40's are usually done with the "baby stage". They are not waking up in the middle of the night nursing and changing diapers. Sure work is

stressful and life becomes busy but when you start hearing the headache and backache complaints and that she has too much on her mind story something else is going on. I especially don't like that she says, " It's not you" "It's me". That raises a red flag to me. What she is saying with that line is that she doesn't want to tell you what she really means.

Sorry to say this but maybe she just isn't attracted to you anymore.

or maybe she is having an affair? Whatever the reason back off. Go

out with friends. Go to the gym. Stop the massage, etc. You will

feel so much better about yourself. You can then evaluate whether it

is the "nice guy syndrome" or something else at play here.

 

Lee

[PKB57]

Who said you have to be a jerk? Pulling back and taking care of your

own needs is essential for your well being. What has she done for

you physically? Have you gotten a massage? Who initiates the cuddling

and affection? You do! It seems quite one sided to me? Backing off

will show you if it's really the alpha/beta thing going on.

 

As a woman I am telling you that those excuses are bull****. Women

in their 40's are usually done with the "baby stage". They are not waking up in the middle of the night nursing and changing diapers. Sure work is

stressful and life becomes busy but when you start hearing the headache and backache complaints and that she has too much on her mind story something else is going on. I especially don't like that she says, " It's not you" "It's me". That raises a red flag to me. What she is saying with that line is that she doesn't want to tell you what she really means.

Sorry to say this but maybe she just isn't attracted to you anymore.

or maybe she is having an affair? Whatever the reason back off. Go

out with friends. Go to the gym. Stop the massage, etc. You will

feel so much better about yourself. You can then evaluate whether it

is the "nice guy syndrome" or something else at play here.

 

Lee

 

Well I did ask for the ladies to give me their opinion...lol.

 

To: Lee and Silverfish:

 

You are both looking at this and suggesting different approaches here. I actually really appreciate that. I would really like to know what Silverfish thinks of Lee's last post.

[mem11363]

Thank you. You two are both giving this guy the straight scoop from the female side. I NEVER advocate guys being jerks. I advocate them doing two things:

- Gradually, but steadily deprioritize your wife. Be nice/upbeat/fun/playful when you ARE with her, but spend a lot less time around her. And stop doing the full service love thing for HER, she sure isn't doing much for you. When she asks you to do things you don't feel like doing/aren't willing to do just laugh and say - after you put me and my needs at the top of your priority stack you can ask me for that - as for now not a chance then smile and keep doing whatever you were doing when she asked.

- Work on themselves. Maybe learn how to be alpha in bed - amazing how many women really really love that. Or join a softball league WITHOUT your wife.

 

Some women truly connect sex with a goal. They don't do purely recreational sex. So for them - the goal becomes achieving a certain level of warmth/emotional connection with you. But that only works if you keep a certain distance emotionally and maybe even physically when you are not having sex. This might seem backwards but for every woman who needs love to have sex, I will show you a woman who needs an emotionally reserved guy with a bit of a bite to him, to WANT to have sex. I call it Lion taming and I find those women fascinating and delightful.

 

But they don't do puppy dog sex. So when you approach them and wag your tail because you have just cleaned the house, cooked dinner, played with the kids, massaged their feet - they just yawn and go to sleep.

 

But if you ignore them for a while and then pin them against the wall - give them a long kiss and smile and walk away - well - whole other ball game. Or pin them down in bed and refuse to let them move until they promise to do whatever you say.

 

50/50 chance your wife wishes you would pin her down and have rough sex with you but is way to shy to ask. I get that - I AM the shy one here. If wife hadn't explained the rules of engagement to me 15 years ago or so - I would still be doing the super gentle version of sex she dislikes. Well as often as she could tolerate it/me.

 

TDP - you are afraid of your wife so you can't help guys in this situation. And to some degree I think you get WAY too much pleasure from the idea that other men are sexually more frustrated than you are. So I wasn't trying to antagonize you - sorry if I did - just realize that telling people it is hopeless is not in the spirit of the board.

 

Who said you have to be a jerk? Pulling back and taking care of your

own needs is essential for your well being. What has she done for

you physically? Have you gotten a massage? Who initiates the cuddling

and affection? You do! It seems quite one sided to me? Backing off

will show you if it's really the alpha/beta thing going on.

 

As a woman I am telling you that those excuses are bull****. Women

in their 40's are usually done with the "baby stage". They are not waking up in the middle of the night nursing and changing diapers. Sure work is

stressful and life becomes busy but when you start hearing the headache and backache complaints and that she has too much on her mind story something else is going on. I especially don't like that she says, " It's not you" "It's me". That raises a red flag to me. What she is saying with that line is that she doesn't want to tell you what she really means.

Sorry to say this but maybe she just isn't attracted to you anymore.

or maybe she is having an affair? Whatever the reason back off. Go

out with friends. Go to the gym. Stop the massage, etc. You will

feel so much better about yourself. You can then evaluate whether it

is the "nice guy syndrome" or something else at play here.

 

Lee

[CarrieT]

What I don't get is why the OP is willing to conduct the "experiment" of withholding all sex and affection to see if the wife notices and initiates sex but not willing to sit down and have an open and frank discussion instead.

 

The biggest disconnect between men and women when it comes to sex is that men DO think about it a lot more than men and the fact that the OP has been giving back rubs, massages, etc, shows the wife that there is still love and affection in the relationship without the culmination of intercourse. Lots of women don't need to go that far to have a fulfilling relationship while for men, it is a means to an end (at least, that is how it is coming across).

 

Starting to withhold that types of affection would be detrimental to the relationship, in my opinion. OP, you said said you were AGREEING with your wife when she comments, "why don't we do this more?" But you didn't do as I suggest which is ask the OPEN ENDED QUESTION, "honey, why don't you think we do this more often?"

 

By agreeing, you are instilling YOUR desires again. The Open Ended Question is to give her a non-judgmental chance to expound upon why she doesn't see sex as important as you do and how you might be able to make that change.

[WalkInThePark]

You asked for the opinion of the ladies. Well, I am a woman in her 40-ies. Sex is very important for me in a relationship. And I don't want sex outside of a relationship; it just does not work for me. Unfortunately I am single and have been single for longer times in my life, so I am and I have been sexless a lot more than I wanted.

On the other hand, I read here stories all the time of men who are married to women who are not interested in sex. All I can think is: "Damn it, these women have a man available for sex but they don't want it."

 

All I can say is that if I would have a nice, attentative partner who does his share for the practical things, and takes good care of himself, I would not refuse to have sex with him. As a matter of fact, I would thank the good lord on my bare knees every evening for having such a great partner.

[Lizzie60]

Poor you... I'm afraid there is not much you can do... her sex drive will NOT come back unless there is major change in your life.. and major change I mean... a new partner for her.. or a way to make her jealous somehow.. so that she feels she could loose you over another woman if she doesn't smarten up..

 

I've been where she is ... after all those years.. we, women, (most) lose the desire (libido) we once had with the long term partner.. it could be 'boredom' (aka 'being tired')... complete loss of libido with our SO..

 

She loves you a lot.. but there is just no need for her to be sexual anymore.. sex is not important... hugs, cuddling, being affectionate are important.. but the 'effort' for sex is too much for her..

 

Sorrrrrry...

[PKB57]

I think you are putting way too much thought into it. I suppose I might do the same if I was in your shoes.

 

I have a question for you.

 

Lets say that things continue exactly as they have for as long as you 'allowed' them to. Is there a point where you would call it quits? 6 more months, a year, two years? Or are you going to live with this forever if it persists? Honestly? If you ask regularly, you get shot down 9 out of ten times and are sexually intimate once every couple months? Is that correct?

 

The least I could do after so many years being married is give this a whole lot of thought. As for your frequency estimate, yes that would probably be a rough average where a longer spell might be followed by a shorter one.

 

As for your question who long would I be willing to let this go on if there is no resolution?

 

That is not an easy question. Let me say that intimacy is a very important part of my married life and the lack of more frequent intimacy is cause of a lot of angst for me. Let me also say that there are so many other important parts of being married where my wife excels is so many ways. She possess so many great qualities in a wife. Maybe if her sexual needs were in line with mine, would I venture to say I might have found the "perfect" wife? Well yes I probable would have. Because I never find myself wishing she were different is other ways. So the question boils down to whether I would be willing to look call it quits because she is not perfect. No I don't think I would. Maybe some guys are different? It all depends on how important sex is in ones life.

[Lizzie60]

Oh and I should add.. that, in my case, I even offered him to get a mistress... he refused..

 

Nothing could have worked.. you can buy flowers, chocolate, etc.. all you want.. do all the cleaning.. ironing.. baking... even cartwheels... nothing will do...

 

Sex for most women (only those who have been with the same partner for ages) is like a little prune... it dries up with time..