Wife's lack of sexual desire

[giotto]

Lizzie,

You are half scaring me. The scared half is worried that any day now wife will tell me she wishes I would stop pestering her for sex - since we are now past year 20 the point at which apparently intense boredom usually kicks in.

I'm not saying it's the same for everybody.. there might be rare exceptions.. but when I was with my first ex... sex was a real sacrifice.. and eventhough I HATED it with a passion... we had sex twice weekly... it was my way to just keep the 'peace' .. and not fight all the time.. so we had sex once in the middle of the week.. and once on the weekend.. until I just couldn't take it any longer... it was disgusting at some point..

 

that's what's my wife told me yesterday... sometimes she was doing it even if she didn't want it, to keep me happy... actually, because she wanted to see me happy... I don't buy it... she was doing it to keep the peace and to not make me angry or resentful... she didn't succeeded... lol

 

To be honest, I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather not have sex than have sex knowing that my wife "is doing it for me", but she doesn't really want it... I'm past this "contractual/negotiating" stuff... I find it humiliating.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Lizzie,

You are half scaring me. The scared half is worried that any day now wife will tell me she wishes I would stop pestering her for sex - since we are now past year 20 the point at which apparently intense boredom usually kicks in.

 

TDP,

Are you saying that I am a bully because I would not tolerate having my highest priority need ignored? I think that this means I am assertive.

 

I have an experiment for you to do - figure out your wife's highest priority need - I bet it is financial security or something like that - and then totally blow it off through indifference - NOT lack of ability - indifference. Like go to the track and drop half your next worth - come home and tell her. See what happens. If she threatens/divorces you does that make her a bully? I don't think so. I think that simply means that she won't have her needs ignored/trampled by the one person in the world she is supposed to be able to count on.

 

So if you wish to call me a bully for being unwilling to accept celibacy so be it.

But in the day to day my wife seems mainly driven by love not by fear. I am more of a determined guy than a scary guy. Much more inclined to banter playfully than snarl.

 

And you know the other night while she straddled me for half an hour she sure didn't seem fearful. She didn't seem anything but happy as she ran her fingers, nails and the palms of her hands up and down my chest, and then in ever more complex patterns along my inner thighs and other sensitive touch points. And at the end she does this thing like she is playing a musical instrument - and she plays to a final crescendo. And THAT desire to induce a state of euphoria purely via touch - that doesn't come from fear that comes from love. I am way more lovable than scary.

 

I have a term I use to refer to men who don't stand up for themselves. I won't use it on you as I still have hope that someday you will surprise everyone - yourself most of all - and assert yourself to achieve a delightful outcome at home and in your bedroom.

 

You have great sex, a fair bit of it and seem to love to rub our faces in it....

 

But the joke is on you when as Lizzie60 says, your wife (unless she is that rare one as she states) wakes up one morning and tells you what a chore it has been for the last x number of years and she is off to find someone else......

 

To OP..... You just stated you want sex 2X/day..... How does one go from wanting that much sex to accepting it once per month or less? We can all cry over the lack of sex, but there is a median (fair compromise) that one can meet. Even mem11363 doesn't get as much as he wants, but gets a fair bit. I could say I want it daily, but in actuality it probably would be 3X/wk..... But if I wanted it 2X/day then my frustration level would be boiling over......

[PKB57]

You have great sex, a fair bit of it and seem to love to rub our faces in it....

 

But the joke is on you when as Lizzie60 says, your wife (unless she is that rare one as she states) wakes up one morning and tells you what a chore it has been for the last x number of years and she is off to find someone else......

 

To OP..... You just stated you want sex 2X/day..... How does one go from wanting that much sex to accepting it once per month or less? We can all cry over the lack of sex, but there is a median (fair compromise) that one can meet. Even mem11363 doesn't get as much as he wants, but gets a fair bit. I could say I want it daily, but in actuality it probably would be 3X/wk..... But if I wanted it 2X/day then my frustration level would be boiling over......

 

LOL....Yes what I'm saying is that my body would be very much inclined to have it that often. But lets not get carried away here. Sex is NOT oxygen that I would die from if I had it...LOL. Also, keep in mind that if I did have that woman who actually WANTS to have sex that often, would it be possible that even me, would become less thrilled by it? That is very possible. We all want what we DON'T have, but when you DO have it.....it becomes less desirable (the grass is always greener.......). I'm a realist, maybe I might settle in for much less that 2 a day IF I HAD THAT OPPORTUNITY LOL.

[PKB57]

Lizzie,

You are half scaring me. The scared half is worried that any day now wife will tell me she wishes I would stop pestering her for sex - since we are now past year 20 the point at which apparently intense boredom usually kicks in.

I'm not saying it's the same for everybody.. there might be rare exceptions.. but when I was with my first ex... sex was a real sacrifice.. and eventhough I HATED it with a passion... we had sex twice weekly... it was my way to just keep the 'peace' .. and not fight all the time.. so we had sex once in the middle of the week.. and once on the weekend.. until I just couldn't take it any longer... it was disgusting at some point..

 

The fact that it became sacrifice because you were NOT IN THE MOOD for sex? Is that the only reason? Even to the point where it became.....disgusting?

 

Or were there other emotional factors at play?

 

I'm trying to understand something Lizzy: Help me out.

 

What IF you really loved your husband, and thought of him as your very best friend, a great father, an unselfish lover, a wonderful husband, a generous man who puts the needs of his children and you above all else, and one that all your friends reinforce to you what a great man you have.................would having sex with him when you really DON'T feel like it, but simply because....you love him......and you know how much he wants you........and he does so much for you........would it still feel like a sacrifice? Maybe even also being disgusting at times?

 

Or would these circumstances have made it different for you?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

LOL....Yes what I'm saying is that my body would be very much inclined to have it that often. But lets not get carried away here. Sex is NOT oxygen that I would die from if I had it...LOL. Also, keep in mind that if I did have that woman who actually WANTS to have sex that often, would it be possible that even me, would become less thrilled by it? That is very possible. We all want what we DON'T have, but when you DO have it.....it becomes less desirable (the grass is always greener.......). I'm a realist, maybe I might settle in for much less that 2 a day IF I HAD THAT OPPORTUNITY LOL.

 

I just laugh at those #'s..... I think I'd be up for everyday...... But it's been so long, who knows?????

[mem11363]

PB,

For me a big part of the afterglow is this deep sensation of feeling attractive/masculine/desirable etc.

 

Is it possible that you are constantly radiating sexual interest/that you find her desirable and so forth. And that constantly radiating your desire for her means she doesn't need to have sex to feel that nice feeling. She gets it just by being around you - no effort required.

 

If you ratched that way, way back then the emotional aspect of connecting sexually would mean a LOT more to her. The "reward" for all that hard work she talks about would be this delicious golden feeling that she ONLY gets when she has sex with you.

 

TDP says I rub my strong relationship with my wife in his face - but really that is not my intent. It is simply that this stuff does work for me and I say so because otherwise people would think - well that might work in practice - but it doesn't work in the real world. It DOES work in the real world - at least for me.

 

LOL....Yes what I'm saying is that my body would be very much inclined to have it that often. But lets not get carried away here. Sex is NOT oxygen that I would die from if I had it...LOL. Also, keep in mind that if I did have that woman who actually WANTS to have sex that often, would it be possible that even me, would become less thrilled by it? That is very possible. We all want what we DON'T have, but when you DO have it.....it becomes less desirable (the grass is always greener.......). I'm a realist, maybe I might settle in for much less that 2 a day IF I HAD THAT OPPORTUNITY LOL.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

PB,

TDP says I rub my strong relationship with my wife in his face - but really that is not my intent. It is simply that this stuff does work for me and I say so because otherwise people would think - well that might work in practice - but it doesn't work in the real world. It DOES work in the real world - at least for me.

 

and I applaud you.... And I am having fun when i say you rub it in my face.... Actually you rub it in every husband on LS not getting enough.....

[mem11363]

Maybe it seems like I am claiming I get to ride the best ride in the park - whenever I want - for free. I don't get to ride whenever I want and it sure isn't free.

 

We have this house rule which is fairly simple and it goes like this.

 

When we plan to have sex at night, the closer we get to show time, the more unacceptable it becomes for her to change her mind.

 

Sort of a common sense thing and kind of driven by a past history of her choosing to only get in bed when she was tired and sort of not in the mood anymore. She didn't refuse, but she would like look at me and yawn - WOW - gee - thanks honey that makes me feel like a desirable man.

 

Anyway - about 3 months ago - we had an incident. Sex was planned and it wasn't any big production we have been at a nice frequency for a long time now - but just as we started I could tell she didn't want to. But I was REALLY wound up by then - I never masturbate - it had been four or five days and ***k sometimes I hate being full of testosterone.

 

So we have this very short back and forth - me asking is she ok with proceeding her saying yes in words and no in body language. The little head over ruled the big head and we had sex which felt bad since the big head was saying the whole time - she is so wishing you would just finish.

 

OK - next day I ask her WTF? And so she tells me - 2 things that had nothing to do with me, 2 things I did that turned her off. This is not make up stuff each item is valid and in combo those 4 things made the perfect storm - totally killed her desire. But she felt stuck because she knew I was wound up and ready to go and I would be really angry if she hit the abort switch literally moments before showtime.

 

And I just cried. I sat there and cried for all the nights she felt obligated to do something she didn't want, for all the nights she came to bed late and tired because she was disorganized, for all the nights we had sex but I felt rejected anyway because it was obvious she wished we weren't, for the vast chasm separating men and women.

 

And then we both apologized and I made a note not to repeat my two blunders....

 

There are no free tickets....

 

and I applaud you.... And I am having fun when i say you rub it in my face.... Actually you rub it in every husband on LS not getting enough.....

[Jersey Shortie]

Geez Mem, you're a good husband. And I am in agreement with you with the advice your giving.

[tommyr]

To be honest, I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather not have sex than have sex knowing that my wife "is doing it for me", but she doesn't really want it... I'm past this "contractual/negotiating" stuff... I find it humiliating.

 

I couldn't disagree more with this view. Clearly your wife does not think about sex very often. So what? The fact that she seems willing to play along, knowing that you are more sexual, sounds like a loving gesture on her part.

 

The key ingredient here is attitude. If your wife is able to show some enthusiasm for your intimate times, even if she (left to her own devices) would otherwise be reading a book, well you should be thanking god that your wife loves you this way.

 

On the other hand, if she grudgingly drops her panties and says "get it over with" well I would suggest you talk with her about bringing a good attitude to the party, even if she is not herself that turned on sexually.

[giotto]

I couldn't disagree more with this view. Clearly your wife does not think about sex very often. So what? The fact that she seems willing to play along, knowing that you are more sexual, sounds like a loving gesture on her part.

 

The key ingredient here is attitude. If your wife is able to show some enthusiasm for your intimate times, even if she (left to her own devices) would otherwise be reading a book, well you should be thanking god that your wife loves you this way.

 

On the other hand, if she grudgingly drops her panties and says "get it over with" well I would suggest you talk with her about bringing a good attitude to the party, even if she is not herself that turned on sexually.

 

would you have sex with your wife if you were turned off and you didn't want it? Would you do it for your wife? Would you be able to get an erection?

[Lizzie60]

The fact that it became sacrifice because you were NOT IN THE MOOD for sex? Is that the only reason? Even to the point where it became.....disgusting?

 

Or were there other emotional factors at play?

 

I'm trying to understand something Lizzy: Help me out.

 

What IF you really loved your husband, and thought of him as your very best friend, a great father, an unselfish lover, a wonderful husband, a generous man who puts the needs of his children and you above all else, and one that all your friends reinforce to you what a great man you have.................would having sex with him when you really DON'T feel like it, but simply because....you love him......and you know how much he wants you........and he does so much for you........would it still feel like a sacrifice? Maybe even also being disgusting at times?

 

Or would these circumstances have made it different for you?

 

Not sure if I can help you here.... in MY case...

 

He was my best friend.. although I didn't feel any 'love' per se for him.. he was a great father (although we didn't always agree).. he always made sure I had my O before him... (so he wasn't selfish).. he was faithful (99% sure, since he was ALWAYS around me, we did everything together).. it was ME... my libido was gone.. (with him)... I just wasn't 'in love' with him anymore.. and yes... it was a huge sacrifice (twice a week) to have sex with him... and yes.. I felt disgusted.. like I was having sex with my 'brother' .. and sometimes I cried.. (he didn't noticed).. it was a 'compromise' for me... (twice a week, which is more than most couples)... to a point where I just had to leave.. just thinking about sex with him.. was nauseating...

 

I have talked with other women... and a lot feel the same.. maybe not to that extreme.. but they would simply cuddle and spoon and sleep... there is no 'libido' with the same man (after a long while).. but I knew my libido wasn't dead because I was fantasizing about other men... I never told him that.. cause I didn't want to hurt him...

[WalkInThePark]

just thinking about sex with him.. was nauseating...

 

But nauseating... was it because his body was no longer attractive to you, had he gained weight? Were you ever very attracted to him or never more than so-so?

[PKB57]

Not sure if I can help you here.... in MY case...

 

He was my best friend.. although I didn't feel any 'love' per se for him.. he was a great father (although we didn't always agree).. he always made sure I had my O before him... (so he wasn't selfish).. he was faithful (99% sure, since he was ALWAYS around me, we did everything together).. it was ME... my libido was gone.. (with him)... I just wasn't 'in love' with him anymore.. and yes... it was a huge sacrifice (twice a week) to have sex with him... and yes.. I felt disgusted.. like I was having sex with my 'brother' .. and sometimes I cried.. (he didn't noticed).. it was a 'compromise' for me... (twice a week, which is more than most couples)... to a point where I just had to leave.. just thinking about sex with him.. was nauseating...

 

I have talked with other women... and a lot feel the same.. maybe not to that extreme.. but they would simply cuddle and spoon and sleep... there is no 'libido' with the same man (after a long while).. but I knew my libido wasn't dead because I was fantasizing about other men... I never told him that.. cause I didn't want to hurt him...

 

Well.......it is a bleak scenario you describe in your experience. But it is a fundamental issue at play. You say..."I just wasn't 'in love' with him anymore.. and yes... it was a huge sacrifice". From all that I know about this subject, you simply demonstrate that many (if not most) women NEED to have an emotional bond with a man to have a healthy sex life. Without that bond......sex becomes (and this is in the words I have heard from many women in my life time), "meaningless. Speaking for me and probably most men, we men can have great sex with NO emotional bond at all. Don't they say that "Men Are From Mars & Women From Venus"?.....lol.

 

But I do have an important question for you and hope you might be able to answer. From your description, you are saying basically that you no longer LOVED your husband (what ever reason that may have been), and that as a result you NO longer desired him intimately...."my libido was gone.. (with him)" but you ALSO were aware that...... "my libido wasn't dead because I was fantasizing about other men". This is what I would have to call the NIGHTMARE SCENARIO. The wife NO LONGER LOVES the husband and ANY thing HE might try to "re-establish" a sex life like .......well.....then that is like "pissing up a rope" as they say.

 

BUT, here is my question to you. What if you experienced a loss of libido JUST due to biological factors as most women and men eventually experience? Hormonal changes as we age eventually affects women's libido as they do men's ability to perform (yes we guys all like to say we are now as we were when we were 19........but for me it's true....really:rolleyes:)

 

AND, what if you still DID love your husband like you once did?

 

So if your loss of libido were due to basic biological changes, that would likely mean you might simply desire LESS sex from your husband. In THAT scenario, do you feel that if you DID make a compromise AND made a greater effort to have more frequent sex BECAUSE YOU DO LOVE him and you DO mentally want to make a greater effort even though your body might indicate otherwise, would your EXTRA effort to have more sex be something that WOULD WORK for you? Would you still feel that in this case (where you DO love your husband) it would also be a... "....huge sacrifice"?

OR, do you think that under these circumstances, making that extra effort to try and have an increased sex life is something that WILL HAVE worked for you in the long run?

 

This is a question to ALL ladies too.

[PKB57]

In that case you simply have to accept that things are the way they are. I think individual or marriage councelling might help but if she does not want that, you run out of things to try.

 

One thing that is still not clear to me: has it always been like that?

 

No it was not like this in the beginning. I always knew she did not have the same sex appetite that I had (frequency desire) but it was never an issue because she almost always initiated when she was ready and the frequency was just fine for me once or twice a week. As time passed (slowly) things started to change with her desire. I would probably say kids were the real turning point where she initialed less and less and I did more and more of that and now (say the last 7 - 8 years) (we are married 21 yr but together for 26) it's been all me. I'd previously respond to current frequency an I'd say maybe averages out once every two months (roughly here). Keep in mind that she really does enjoy it (she says so) when it does happen.

[mem11363]

Lizzie,

I think the way you talk about him, and how you put the word ALWAYS in caps - the brother thing - he was TOO close to you.

 

I wonder what would have happened if

- he had spent just a little bit less time with you than you wanted

- he had been just a half step slower to say "I love you" than you wanted

- he had only given you those long loving looks when you were looking at HIM that way

 

There isn't anything magic about 20 years Lizzie, you just can't take a man "over loving" you. Meaning loving you more/way more than you are comfortable with.

 

I live with someone like that. I think a lot of women are like that. And I think EVERY woman like that gets turned off to sex over time if she is with a guy that doesn't read the emotional landscape correctly, AND also act on it by creating the right amount of space.

 

You didn't get bored - you became repulsed - completely different. It wasn't his lack of sexual variety - it was that he was emotionally crowding you and you didn't like it from the beginning it simply took time for that behavior to slowly drive you mad with revulsion.

 

And for the man who is making you emotionally claustrophobic - his peak moment of closeness is when? When he is having sex with you. And you don't want him to be close at all - so THAT closeness is revolting.

 

I think this pattern destroys as many marriages as anything else.

 

 

Not sure if I can help you here.... in MY case...

 

He was my best friend.. although I didn't feel any 'love' per se for him.. he was a great father (although we didn't always agree).. he always made sure I had my O before him... (so he wasn't selfish).. he was faithful (99% sure, since he was ALWAYS around me, we did everything together).. it was ME... my libido was gone.. (with him)... I just wasn't 'in love' with him anymore.. and yes... it was a huge sacrifice (twice a week) to have sex with him... and yes.. I felt disgusted.. like I was having sex with my 'brother' .. and sometimes I cried.. (he didn't noticed).. it was a 'compromise' for me... (twice a week, which is more than most couples)... to a point where I just had to leave.. just thinking about sex with him.. was nauseating...

 

I have talked with other women... and a lot feel the same.. maybe not to that extreme.. but they would simply cuddle and spoon and sleep... there is no 'libido' with the same man (after a long while).. but I knew my libido wasn't dead because I was fantasizing about other men... I never told him that.. cause I didn't want to hurt him...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Lizzie,

I think the way you talk about him, and how you put the word ALWAYS in caps - the brother thing - he was TOO close to you.

 

I wonder what would have happened if

- he had spent just a little bit less time with you than you wanted

- he had been just a half step slower to say "I love you" than you wanted

- he had only given you those long loving looks when you were looking at HIM that way

 

There isn't anything magic about 20 years Lizzie, you just can't take a man "over loving" you. Meaning loving you more/way more than you are comfortable with.

 

I live with someone like that. I think a lot of women are like that. And I think EVERY woman like that gets turned off to sex over time if she is with a guy that doesn't read the emotional landscape correctly, AND also act on it by creating the right amount of space.

 

You didn't get bored - you became repulsed - completely different. It wasn't his lack of sexual variety - it was that he was emotionally crowding you and you didn't like it from the beginning it simply took time for that behavior to slowly drive you mad with revulsion.

 

And for the man who is making you emotionally claustrophobic - his peak moment of closeness is when? When he is having sex with you. And you don't want him to be close at all - so THAT closeness is revolting.

 

I think this pattern destroys as many marriages as anything else.

 

And explain like you have to every man here that you have the answer and it is your Alpha Male mantra that will work with every woman on the planet.....

 

Geez Lizzie60, Giotto's, JamesM's, PKB57's, Jeff1962's and my wife would all fall under your spell and have sex with you 4/5 X's a week..... and be still madly in love after 20+ years....

 

Mem11363, you have missed your calling..... My suggestion is take all your posts, re-work them, take them to a publisher and prepare for appearances on Oprah, Ellen, Regis/Kelly, a lecture tour and couple or male retreats espousing "Reclaiming the Alpha in you and Your Sex Life":laugh:......

 

Lizzie60 - While I vehemently disagree with you and your cadre of females who all seem to have the same view of relationships, who am I to argue as every male on here complaining about their lack of sex, is feeding your hypothesis.....

[PKB57]

Lizzie,

I think the way you talk about him, and how you put the word ALWAYS in caps - the brother thing - he was TOO close to you.

 

I wonder what would have happened if

- he had spent just a little bit less time with you than you wanted

- he had been just a half step slower to say "I love you" than you wanted

- he had only given you those long loving looks when you were looking at HIM that way

 

There isn't anything magic about 20 years Lizzie, you just can't take a man "over loving" you. Meaning loving you more/way more than you are comfortable with.

 

I live with someone like that. I think a lot of women are like that. And I think EVERY woman like that gets turned off to sex over time if she is with a guy that doesn't read the emotional landscape correctly, AND also act on it by creating the right amount of space.

 

You didn't get bored - you became repulsed - completely different. It wasn't his lack of sexual variety - it was that he was emotionally crowding you and you didn't like it from the beginning it simply took time for that behavior to slowly drive you mad with revulsion.

 

And for the man who is making you emotionally claustrophobic - his peak moment of closeness is when? When he is having sex with you. And you don't want him to be close at all - so THAT closeness is revolting.

 

I think this pattern destroys as many marriages as anything else.

 

Hmmmmm. OK, so you have a very interesting observation (...maybe u did miss your calling...lol). I'm

glad then that I can safely say my wife and I have always given each other a lot of space to pursue our interests and we enjoy out together activities as much as we do our non-together activities. I do agree with you that as individuals we all need OUR space.....whew! You would have gotten me worried if I we didn't have that......lol.

 

BUT, as much as I like YOUR analysis.......I would like to hear from the LIZZIE what went wrong.....if she is so inclined to do so.

 

Lizzie had what we might say a very nice, loving and caring husband. The question is then:...What were the circumstances that caused you to FALL OUT OF LOVE Lizzie?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Hmmmmm. OK, so you have a very interesting observation (...maybe u did miss your calling...lol). I'm

glad then that I can safely say my wife and I have always given each other a lot of space to pursue our interests and we enjoy out together activities as much as we do our non-together activities. I do agree with you that as individuals we all need OUR space.....whew! You would have gotten me worried if I we didn't have that......lol.

 

BUT, as much as I like YOUR analysis.......I would like to hear from the LIZZIE what went wrong.....if she is so inclined to do so.

 

Lizzie had what we might say a very nice, loving and caring husband. The question is then:...What were the circumstances that caused you to FALL OUT OF LOVE Lizzie?

 

She has said it before and provided a cautionary tale to those on here, that poof, it just happens..... One day you wake up, look at your spouse and think "Oh my god, I can't stand the idea of sex with him anymore".....

 

You haven't been on here long enough.....

[Lizzie60]

But nauseating... was it because his body was no longer attractive to you, had he gained weight? Were you ever very attracted to him or never more than so-so?

 

Nope.. not at all.. he was a very attractive man.. fit...

Of course I used to be attracted to him... we used to be like rabbits.. in the first years...

[PKB57]

She has said it before and provided a cautionary tale to those on here, that poof, it just happens..... One day you wake up, look at your spouse and think "Oh my god, I can't stand the idea of sex with him anymore".....

 

You haven't been on here long enough.....

 

LIZZIE: Is this man yanking my chains?

[Lizzie60]

Well.......it is a bleak scenario you describe in your experience. But it is a fundamental issue at play. You say..."I just wasn't 'in love' with him anymore.. and yes... it was a huge sacrifice". From all that I know about this subject, you simply demonstrate that many (if not most) women NEED to have an emotional bond with a man to have a healthy sex life. Without that bond......sex becomes (and this is in the words I have heard from many women in my life time), "meaningless. Speaking for me and probably most men, we men can have great sex with NO emotional bond at all. Don't they say that "Men Are From Mars & Women From Venus"?.....lol.

 

But I do have an important question for you and hope you might be able to answer. From your description, you are saying basically that you no longer LOVED your husband (what ever reason that may have been), and that as a result you NO longer desired him intimately...."my libido was gone.. (with him)" but you ALSO were aware that...... "my libido wasn't dead because I was fantasizing about other men". This is what I would have to call the NIGHTMARE SCENARIO. The wife NO LONGER LOVES the husband and ANY thing HE might try to "re-establish" a sex life like .......well.....then that is like "pissing up a rope" as they say.

 

BUT, here is my question to you. What if you experienced a loss of libido JUST due to biological factors as most women and men eventually experience? Hormonal changes as we age eventually affects women's libido as they do men's ability to perform (yes we guys all like to say we are now as we were when we were 19........but for me it's true....really:rolleyes:)

 

AND, what if you still DID love your husband like you once did?

 

So if your loss of libido were due to basic biological changes, that would likely mean you might simply desire LESS sex from your husband. In THAT scenario, do you feel that if you DID make a compromise AND made a greater effort to have more frequent sex BECAUSE YOU DO LOVE him and you DO mentally want to make a greater effort even though your body might indicate otherwise, would your EXTRA effort to have more sex be something that WOULD WORK for you? Would you still feel that in this case (where you DO love your husband) it would also be a... "....huge sacrifice"?

OR, do you think that under these circumstances, making that extra effort to try and have an increased sex life is something that WILL HAVE worked for you in the long run?

 

This is a question to ALL ladies too.

 

First bold: nope.. it wasn't hormonal... I was too young then.. and if it would have been hormonal.. I wouldn't have had those fantasies about other men..

 

Seciond bold: twice weekly was more than enough for me... way too much... but to prevent 'fights' and arguments.. I just compromise.. but it lasted a few years.. then I had to go.. I couldn't take it any longer..

 

Bottom line...I'll try to illustrate my argument... let's say you 'like' a woman.. you can ONLY have sex with her... you're not in love with her... but you like her very much... would sex be exciting after 10+ years...

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie,

I think the way you talk about him, and how you put the word ALWAYS in caps - the brother thing - he was TOO close to you.

 

I wonder what would have happened if

- he had spent just a little bit less time with you than you wanted

- he had been just a half step slower to say "I love you" than you wanted

- he had only given you those long loving looks when you were looking at HIM that way

 

There isn't anything magic about 20 years Lizzie, you just can't take a man "over loving" you. Meaning loving you more/way more than you are comfortable with.

 

I live with someone like that. I think a lot of women are like that. And I think EVERY woman like that gets turned off to sex over time if she is with a guy that doesn't read the emotional landscape correctly, AND also act on it by creating the right amount of space.

 

You didn't get bored - you became repulsed - completely different. It wasn't his lack of sexual variety - it was that he was emotionally crowding you and you didn't like it from the beginning it simply took time for that behavior to slowly drive you mad with revulsion.

 

And for the man who is making you emotionally claustrophobic - his peak moment of closeness is when? When he is having sex with you. And you don't want him to be close at all - so THAT closeness is revolting.

 

I think this pattern destroys as many marriages as anything else.

 

Maybe... it's hard to say... we spent a lot of time together... with our kids.. etc... but he had his buddies... he went fishing.. hunting.. he had many hunting dogs.. (champions, etc.)... He could go to his 'hobbies' any time he wanted.. he spent a lot of time with his dogs too..

 

I got bored as well as repulsed with sex.. I wasn't repulsed at him..

 

you could be right though.. maybe I felt emotionally claustrophobic.. you might have a good point here...

 

but to be totally honest.. I think that MOST women become 'bored' and 'repulsed' (big word) at sex after so many years... for some reason... men always feel desire for their partner... not women.. although that doesn't mean the woman doesn't love her H... it's the desire that is gone..

[Lizzie60]

LIZZIE: Is this man yanking my chains?

 

....................

 

It doesn,t happen 'overnight' like tdp tends to think... it's a long, slow process.. that's why it's soooo hard to 'analyse'... I don't know exactly when and why and how it happened.. it just did..

[JamesM]

....................

 

It doesn,t happen 'overnight' like tdp tends to think... it's a long, slow process.. that's why it's soooo hard to 'analyse'... I don't know exactly when and why and how it happened.. it just did..

 

So....should us men in sexless or near sexless marriages, who have wives who just no longer enjoy sex, tell them to admit that they really don't want sex with us...and leave?

 

Is it worth bothering to expect anything more?