Wife's lack of sexual desire

[summerautumn]

summerautumn,

 

If a spouse is not meeting a core need of their partner and continues not to do so despite repeated discussions, their partner has every right to end the marriage. And frankly telling someone why you are ending a marriage is less cruel than lying about your reasons for ending it.

 

Who are you to state whether or not a particular reason for divorce is valid?

 

Even worse who are you to tell someone it is abusive to end a marriage because their needs aren't being met.

 

IMO - On board full of opinionated people your post is more extreme than any other I have seen here.

 

Extreme? Sure.

 

The definition of abuse: Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc.

 

In the context of my response as relating to Lizzie's post about her staying in an abusive marriage and loathing having sex with her husband, yes, what I was referring to Is by all means emotional abuse. Further, what you consider as using minimal amounts of fear to get desired result (I read that in another post of yours) would fall under the definition of abuse. I don't condone using Any types of fear inducing methods to get Any types of results, regardless of what the original terms of the the contract are (ie marriage).

 

If one feels that their needs/desires are not met, and if they feel that a spouse's marital responsibilities are not being fulfilled, they can LEAVE the marriage. They are in all reality Free to leave, and any reasons for their staying are psychological or emotional, and as such their responsibility to resolve in their heads and then proceed to Leave or stay. I don't subscribe to any victim mentality, and while I have compassion for people who are enmeshed in it (during the process of the sorting out of their own emotions/heads), I still think that the statement "woman, I will divorce you if you don't put out" is emotional abuse.

[Lizzie60]

Extreme? Sure.

 

The definition of abuse: Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc.

 

In the context of my response as relating to Lizzie's post about her staying in an abusive marriage and loathing having sex with her husband, yes, what I was referring to Is by all means emotional abuse. Further, what you consider as using minimal amounts of fear to get desired result (I read that in another post of yours) would fall under the definition of abuse. I don't condone using Any types of fear inducing methods to get Any types of results, regardless of what the original terms of the the contract are (ie marriage).

 

If one feels that their needs/desires are not met, and if they feel that a spouse's marital responsibilities are not being fulfilled, they can LEAVE the marriage. They are in all reality Free to leave, and any reasons for their staying are psychological or emotional, and as such their responsibility to resolve in their heads and then proceed to Leave or stay. I don't subscribe to any victim mentality, and while I have compassion for people who are enmeshed in it (during the process of the sorting out of their own emotions/heads), I still think that the statement "woman, I will divorce you if you don't put out" is emotional abuse.

 

 

Huh??? I never felt I was in an abusive relationship... we had 'arguments' about our sex life.. but it was far from being 'abusive' IMO

[mem11363]

SA,

Can you send me directions to the kinder/gentler world you live in, I want to move there.

 

My wife tells me I am a good husband. Doesn't matter whether or not I am, she feels strongly that I am.

 

Therefore it makes her afraid if I speak of divorce. It is very rare that I mention divorce but when I do my GOAL is to get her to understand that if some type of behavior (for us it has not been sex - but if it had been that would be just as valid) didn't change our marriage would end.

 

Do I seek to control her by doing that. Sure - it means that something really messed up - severely messed up is happening that I cannot tolerate. And that means I am requesting her to change or accept that we are done.

 

And she has done that with me a few times. And I am fine with that. Two strong willed people have conflict - and that is fine as long as they don't physically threaten each other or emotionally beat each other down in some deliberately corrosive manner.

 

She wanted a bigger family - I wanted a smaller family. I wanted 1 child she wanted - a big number - not exactly sure. After 2 I told her we could

- agree on three and then I would get a V or

- we could part ways if she couldn't accept 3 and we would be parting amicably and I would be generous financially (she was a SAHM)

 

I directly told her that if she pretended to agree to 3 and then tried to demand more after the third and before my V that we would have a bitter divorce, I would fight over ever penny and would never ever forgive her. And my goal was for her to feel fear. I didn't want to be lied to about the largest decision in my life - family size. So sure - my goal was to control her - through fear - so that she didn't lie to me. It worked.

 

As for control - lets analyze what happened. Without directly saying so she told me after 1 child and again after 2 that she would make THE WHOLE REST OF MY LIFE MISERABLE and might eventually divorce me if we didn't have more kids. So the primary driver in my decision making was fear.

 

Honestly - how do you think normal folks agree on family size when the spouses don't agree on the number?

 

 

Extreme? Sure.

 

The definition of abuse: Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc.

 

In the context of my response as relating to Lizzie's post about her staying in an abusive marriage and loathing having sex with her husband, yes, what I was referring to Is by all means emotional abuse. Further, what you consider as using minimal amounts of fear to get desired result (I read that in another post of yours) would fall under the definition of abuse. I don't condone using Any types of fear inducing methods to get Any types of results, regardless of what the original terms of the the contract are (ie marriage).

 

If one feels that their needs/desires are not met, and if they feel that a spouse's marital responsibilities are not being fulfilled, they can LEAVE the marriage. They are in all reality Free to leave, and any reasons for their staying are psychological or emotional, and as such their responsibility to resolve in their heads and then proceed to Leave or stay. I don't subscribe to any victim mentality, and while I have compassion for people who are enmeshed in it (during the process of the sorting out of their own emotions/heads), I still think that the statement "woman, I will divorce you if you don't put out" is emotional abuse.

[giotto]

I still think that the statement "woman, I will divorce you if you don't put out" is emotional abuse.

 

I think this too. It's wrong to demand sex on the basis of an impending divorce (if needs are not met, even if the other spouse can't meet them, for whatever reason), or by instilling fear or any other form of blackmail. The other spouse has to be willing, not forced into anything. I don't quite get what men derive from exchanging fear with sex. I've been there - threatening to move out, etc. - and to be honest it was wrong and I don't want that anymore. If my sexual needs will not met by my wife on the long term, then I can do two things: take action so that my wife will want sex spontaneously, accept it or divorce her.

[PKB57]

I just reread your original post and compared it to your reply to me, and I gotta say the two are not congruent. I like you, but I really think you are in denial about this one.

 

You've had this issue for the past 10 years more or less, now it has intensified it seems, you feel rejected and very sad, yet you are approaching this as a mad scientist. You have also withheld this piece of information from your wife for a long time, and it seems to me you also don't have a pretty good view of your wife's psyche especially around sex.

 

Lizzie's story sounds really scary, yet there is a huge difference in saying to someone "I feel hurt and rejected when you turn me down for sex" and "Woman, I will divorce you if you don't put out". First is emotional honesty, second is emotional abuse. I can never see you say the second thing, yet I would offer to you the view that you withholding your true feelings from her Is a form of emotional abuse. I know that sounds harsh, but I am the type of person who approaches a big issue in a relationship as soon as I become aware of it, or at the immediate opportune moment to do so and I consider it my absolute responsibility, since I can't expect for the other person to read my mind or to have the same level of awareness.

 

First I'll say that I will agree with you on a few point. Yes I would not take the approach to threaten to divorce if I don't get my quota of sex and yes I probably should have been at the stage I am now earlier in our realtionship. As far your statement that "withholding your true feelings from her Is a form of emotional abuse". That is just wacky. If I don't tell my wife how I feel I am emotionally abusing her? LMAO. Sorry, but I don't buy that. Maybe if as a result of withholding feelings a persons acts on it in a different way, such as being mean and nasty as a result....well then that would be a cause and effect situation and could constitute emotional abuse. But this is NOT what we have going on here in our home.

 

Again, I will repeat myself in that I AM NOT OPPOSED to having a heart to heart discussion and WILL do so if the situation does not significantly improve. I'm just NOT choosing to do so NOW. Maybe you are correct in that I'm approaching this more like a mad scientist (I love that LOL), but it's what I choose to do at this point in time. I do respect the opinion of those here that such as yourself that feel the better approach would be to talk this over and see where mutual agreed changes could be made to improve the situation. Then again, I never claimed I was not a bit stubborn.........

[summerautumn]

Mem,

 

Even though your situation at first glance seems like a deadlock, from my experience I can tell you that there is no situation which one cannot shift, but it does require thinking outside the box. Like that saying "you cannot solve a problem in the same mindset in which you created it."

 

First, the villains and victims story. Your mind can come up with many reasons why you are a victim here. It is about control and lack of trust due to erroneous ego beliefs and assumptions, but that goes for Both of you in the relationship. You are both vying for control, and feel the lack of trust towards your wife in the case that she in the future decides to screw you over, and she feels that she Needs to get more control in the form of a bigger family, or exert any control over you, to counteract what she perceives as your financial and emotional control over her.

 

Ultimately, both your views are erroneous. I know that that is a big leap in thinking, and maybe I am being impatient by phrasing it this way. I will give you an example of a story I heard from a good friend of mine regarding war. This story is one of his reasons why he feels strongly against war. Two people are in the trenches from the opposite sides of the barricade. They are fighting, until one becomes wounded and mistakenly wanders off into the enemy's trench. Now the other person has an option to kill him, but all of the sudden he sees a wallet in which he sees a picture of the "enemy"'s family, and it is the same exact family that he has, children same age etc. So then it dawns on the unwounded person that these two people are identical, and are fighting what they perceive as "the enemy", but really both are equally afraid, have the same exact things at risk, and pretty much are in the same exact situation. The unwounded soldier then decides to help the wounded one.

 

Fear is fear and causes us to misperceive all the time. The deep lack of trust, which I can relate to, comes from past issues, an is just being projected onto the current situation. Until we deal with our original cause of the fear and lack of trust, we will always see others as "attacking" us. The only way out of this loop is to heal and see the deeper reality. Regardless of the outward manifestation of our fear, be it money, sex, or trust issues, the bottom line is that we are all human beings and there is not much difference in us.

 

And yes, I do live in a gentler world of my choosing.

 

 

 

SA,

Can you send me directions to the kinder/gentler world you live in, I want to move there.

 

My wife tells me I am a good husband. Doesn't matter whether or not I am, she feels strongly that I am.

 

Therefore it makes her afraid if I speak of divorce. It is very rare that I mention divorce but when I do my GOAL is to get her to understand that if some type of behavior (for us it has not been sex - but if it had been that would be just as valid) didn't change our marriage would end.

 

Do I seek to control her by doing that. Sure - it means that something really messed up - severely messed up is happening that I cannot tolerate. And that means I am requesting her to change or accept that we are done.

 

And she has done that with me a few times. And I am fine with that. Two strong willed people have conflict - and that is fine as long as they don't physically threaten each other or emotionally beat each other down in some deliberately corrosive manner.

 

She wanted a bigger family - I wanted a smaller family. I wanted 1 child she wanted - a big number - not exactly sure. After 2 I told her we could

- agree on three and then I would get a V or

- we could part ways if she couldn't accept 3 and we would be parting amicably and I would be generous financially (she was a SAHM)

 

I directly told her that if she pretended to agree to 3 and then tried to demand more after the third and before my V that we would have a bitter divorce, I would fight over ever penny and would never ever forgive her. And my goal was for her to feel fear. I didn't want to be lied to about the largest decision in my life - family size. So sure - my goal was to control her - through fear - so that she didn't lie to me. It worked.

 

As for control - lets analyze what happened. Without directly saying so she told me after 1 child and again after 2 that she would make THE WHOLE REST OF MY LIFE MISERABLE and might eventually divorce me if we didn't have more kids. So the primary driver in my decision making was fear.

 

Honestly - how do you think normal folks agree on family size when the spouses don't agree on the number?

[mem11363]

SA,

Great story about the soldiers by the way. Reminded me of a chapter at the end of the book "shadow divers".

 

The situation at home is "almost" always a happy one with both of us having a sincere viewpoint of "it is all about you". And when two people consistently put each other first without though for themselves - that is truly a happy and I think ideal situation.

 

 

Mem,

 

Even though your situation at first glance seems like a deadlock, from my experience I can tell you that there is no situation which one cannot shift, but it does require thinking outside the box. Like that saying "you cannot solve a problem in the same mindset in which you created it."

 

First, the villains and victims story. Your mind can come up with many reasons why you are a victim here. It is about control and lack of trust due to erroneous ego beliefs and assumptions, but that goes for Both of you in the relationship. You are both vying for control, and feel the lack of trust towards your wife in the case that she in the future decides to screw you over, and she feels that she Needs to get more control in the form of a bigger family, or exert any control over you, to counteract what she perceives as your financial and emotional control over her.

 

Ultimately, both your views are erroneous. I know that that is a big leap in thinking, and maybe I am being impatient by phrasing it this way. I will give you an example of a story I heard from a good friend of mine regarding war. This story is one of his reasons why he feels strongly against war. Two people are in the trenches from the opposite sides of the barricade. They are fighting, until one becomes wounded and mistakenly wanders off into the enemy's trench. Now the other person has an option to kill him, but all of the sudden he sees a wallet in which he sees a picture of the "enemy"'s family, and it is the same exact family that he has, children same age etc. So then it dawns on the unwounded person that these two people are identical, and are fighting what they perceive as "the enemy", but really both are equally afraid, have the same exact things at risk, and pretty much are in the same exact situation. The unwounded soldier then decides to help the wounded one.

 

Fear is fear and causes us to misperceive all the time. The deep lack of trust, which I can relate to, comes from past issues, an is just being projected onto the current situation. Until we deal with our original cause of the fear and lack of trust, we will always see others as "attacking" us. The only way out of this loop is to heal and see the deeper reality. Regardless of the outward manifestation of our fear, be it money, sex, or trust issues, the bottom line is that we are all human beings and there is not much difference in us.

 

And yes, I do live in a gentler world of my choosing.

[summerautumn]

Thanks. That book sounds interesting.

 

Now I have to wonder what kind of world you live in.

 

From what you described regarding the children issue with your wife, and here I assume that you ended up having no greater than 3 children, which was your original desire, your wife agreeing with you on it is not her putting you first without a thought about herself, it is her forgetting or supressing what she originally wanted. I am not saying that such selfless state of being that you describe doesn't exist, but your initial post made the opposite impression on me.

 

SA,

Great story about the soldiers by the way. Reminded me of a chapter at the end of the book "shadow divers".

 

The situation at home is "almost" always a happy one with both of us having a sincere viewpoint of "it is all about you". And when two people consistently put each other first without though for themselves - that is truly a happy and I think ideal situation.

[mem11363]

Putting each other first wasn't something we weren't as good at earlier in our marriage. With that said I believe her view of it is this - I am ghost writing this for her.

- He wanted 1

- I wanted 4, maybe at most 5

 

We compromised with 3. It wasn't a grudging compromise on his part. When he said he would do 3 - would never ever complain about having more children than he wanted, never gripe about the money the effort etc. And he never did. When my 3rd pregnancy was very difficult he was incredibly supportive.

 

At that point we had 2 kids. If I had felt strongly enough about having more than 3 he told me he would support me in an amicable divorce. He wasn't threatening, or aggressive he just was not willing to have more than 3 kids.

 

So I thought about it and concluded that I could be happy with 3, and was not willing to dissolve a good marriage over this. And just as he has never complained about having a 3rd I have never complained about the absence of a 4th or 5th.

 

PS - He has offered several times to support me if I want to take in a foster child.

 

 

 

Thanks. That book sounds interesting.

 

Now I have to wonder what kind of world you live in.

 

From what you described regarding the children issue with your wife, and here I assume that you ended up having no greater than 3 children, which was your original desire, your wife agreeing with you on it is not her putting you first without a thought about herself, it is her forgetting or supressing what she originally wanted. I am not saying that such selfless state of being that you describe doesn't exist, but your initial post made the opposite impression on me.

[summerautumn]

Mem, thanks for ghost writing this for your wife, and introducing her to LS.

 

I feel that it is time for me to stop being an armchair analyst. lol I am very glad that you and your wife have found peace and a balanced view in a potentially tricky situation.

 

PKB, I know "abuse" was a strong word in this instance. Please disregard. It was a projection and I am owning that projection. I used to be stubborn in the past, and now I am losing all impetus for trying to be right.

 

Have a great weekend.

 

Putting each other first wasn't something we weren't as good at earlier in our marriage. With that said I believe her view of it is this - I am ghost writing this for her.

- He wanted 1

- I wanted 4, maybe at most 5

 

We compromised with 3. It wasn't a grudging compromise on his part. When he said he would do 3 - would never ever complain about having more children than he wanted, never gripe about the money the effort etc. And he never did. When my 3rd pregnancy was very difficult he was incredibly supportive.

 

At that point we had 2 kids. If I had felt strongly enough about having more than 3 he told me he would support me in an amicable divorce. He wasn't threatening, or aggressive he just was not willing to have more than 3 kids.

 

So I thought about it and concluded that I could be happy with 3, and was not willing to dissolve a good marriage over this. And just as he has never complained about having a 3rd I have never complained about the absence of a 4th or 5th.

 

PS - He has offered several times to support me if I want to take in a foster child.

[PKB57]

Thanks to all for you input on this thread. It has made a difference for me because I feel I am taking an approach that I would describe as a compromise among the various opinions posted here.

 

This will be my final update on this matter because i feel I am well underway to a better and more active sex life with my wife.

 

Since our last sex encounter that I described here recently, I was wanting to initiate again this week but due to difficult circumstance at work for my wife, I knew she was under a lot of stress so I decided to wait a bit. By the end on the week those issues had been resolved and she was much more relaxed.

 

I woke up very early Sunday morning and was trying to back sleep but could not because I was in a very horny mood. Similar to last time I just reached out for my wife. She was deep asleep and when she woke she just mumbled that she needed to sleep. Ok, so totally ignored that and just slowly slipped off her pantie and then her night gown (....she propped herself up just so, it was easy to get off of her.....that was good news for me).

 

As I was there naked on her backside I gave her a deep body massage and then surprised her with some warming gel on her privates after I turned her over on her back.....she was at this point very responsive and clearly "out" of her needing to sleep mode. We continued and have a great sex session. It was still very early so after we both asleep again in each others arms.

 

We woke and it was still too early to get up and get ready for church. So we laid there spooning (our favorite). I was quite content with our early morning lovemaking and I was just savoring the closeness. As it happens frequently in these situation, my private member was awake again but I did not think about it. My wife could feel it against her backside and with out a word just wiped around grabbed me and forcefully got on top of me and we were at it again. Her determination to initiate this one was something I had not seen in a while.

 

At this point I feel I am on a good track. I have now experience back to back successes and as I stated earlier an approaching it slowly and deliberate. What is the key element? I'm not totally sure but I think it is most likely that I am pursuing a more aggressive sexual posture and at least in this case it was sufficient to help her get past the initial reaction that she was tired and needed to sleep some more. Not backing off so quickly (when she said she needed to sleep) maybe turns her on in that she sees how much i want her and am willing to "challenge" her? I don't know. But I'm not going to sit here and try to analyze it like a "mad scientist"...LOL. I'm just going to pursue this direction as it feels right so far for us.

 

I will start to vary the time and place and frequency while still keeping an eye for things that I know might interfere with her desire (such as stress full days at work). Of course my ultimate goal would be to have desire sex as a form of stress relief from work.

 

I'm not expecting miracles, so my approach will continue to be slow and deliberate as I ramp things up a little at a time. I would not mind if she not even notice that things are changing. Maybe she might just wake up one day and ask herself "hey....why the hell are we having so much sex these days....:laugh:"

 

So I leave this thread very satisfied with all your inputs and hope that maybe there might a few guys out there that might benefit from my experience.

 

PKB

[summerautumn]

PKB, I am happy for you and your wife! Hot morning sex Twice - that just rocks! I am seeing the method to your madness! LOL

 

Your approach has been more assertive with a sense of urgency, and you are obviously very sincere about your desire for your wife, which is definitely hot, and it is not surprising that it worked.

 

Enjoy your marital bliss.

 

Thanks to all for you input on this thread. It has made a difference for me because I feel I am taking an approach that I would describe as a compromise among the various opinions posted here.

 

This will be my final update on this matter because i feel I am well underway to a better and more active sex life with my wife.

 

Since our last sex encounter that I described here recently, I was wanting to initiate again this week but due to difficult circumstance at work for my wife, I knew she was under a lot of stress so I decided to wait a bit. By the end on the week those issues had been resolved and she was much more relaxed.

 

I woke up very early Sunday morning and was trying to back sleep but could not because I was in a very horny mood. Similar to last time I just reached out for my wife. She was deep asleep and when she woke she just mumbled that she needed to sleep. Ok, so totally ignored that and just slowly slipped off her pantie and then her night gown (....she propped herself up just so, it was easy to get off of her.....that was good news for me).

 

As I was there naked on her backside I gave her a deep body massage and then surprised her with some warming gel on her privates after I turned her over on her back.....she was at this point very responsive and clearly "out" of her needing to sleep mode. We continued and have a great sex session. It was still very early so after we both asleep again in each others arms.

 

We woke and it was still too early to get up and get ready for church. So we laid there spooning (our favorite). I was quite content with our early morning lovemaking and I was just savoring the closeness. As it happens frequently in these situation, my private member was awake again but I did not think about it. My wife could feel it against her backside and with out a word just wiped around grabbed me and forcefully got on top of me and we were at it again. Her determination to initiate this one was something I had not seen in a while.

 

At this point I feel I am on a good track. I have now experience back to back successes and as I stated earlier an approaching it slowly and deliberate. What is the key element? I'm not totally sure but I think it is most likely that I am pursuing a more aggressive sexual posture and at least in this case it was sufficient to help her get past the initial reaction that she was tired and needed to sleep some more. Not backing off so quickly (when she said she needed to sleep) maybe turns her on in that she sees how much i want her and am willing to "challenge" her? I don't know. But I'm not going to sit here and try to analyze it like a "mad scientist"...LOL. I'm just going to pursue this direction as it feels right so far for us.

 

I will start to vary the time and place and frequency while still keeping an eye for things that I know might interfere with her desire (such as stress full days at work). Of course my ultimate goal would be to have desire sex as a form of stress relief from work.

 

I'm not expecting miracles, so my approach will continue to be slow and deliberate as I ramp things up a little at a time. I would not mind if she not even notice that things are changing. Maybe she might just wake up one day and ask herself "hey....why the hell are we having so much sex these days....:laugh:"

 

So I leave this thread very satisfied with all your inputs and hope that maybe there might a few guys out there that might benefit from my experience.

 

PKB

[JamesM]

May your short term bliss bring long term happiness.

[giotto]

I'm jealous!

[Lizzie60]

May your short term bliss bring long term happiness.

 

Stay tuned!

[JamesM]

Stay tuned!

 

Is happily ever after an option?

 

I hope so.

[Lizzie60]

Is happily ever after an option?

 

I hope so.

 

 

I really wish I was more positive.. but unfortunately .. I am not..

[PKB57]

I really wish I was more positive.. but unfortunately .. I am not..

 

Well Lizzie, I can understand a little rain on my parade.....but you are sending me a nor eastern snow storm combined this gale force winds followed by a major blackout and rioting. This parade of mine could use some positive mental energy........even from you

 

I take comfort from Summerautum, Giotto and JamesM. Thanks guys for the sunshine you bring to my parade:D

[mem11363]

PKB,

You have really improved things with no conflict - no real tension.

 

You used a very light touch - and a highly effective one as well. I am impressed AND happy for you.

 

As for Lizzie - she is very insightful - unfortunately she is brutally pessimistic. While I think some level of sexual apathy does happen in long term marriages - what she experienced - profound sexual aversion - is not the norm. I like Lizzie and find her delightful - and yes she is hot - still the norm is not to come to see your H as your brother. Sure it happens but not in the majority of marriages. And sexual apathy is way easier to work around then sexual aversion which is what she had. PKB - you aren't dealing with aversion - maybe a little apathy/something else. Something that a light dose of jealousy/assertiveness seemed to help with.

 

 

Well Lizzie, I can understand a little rain on my parade.....but you are sending me a nor eastern snow storm combined this gale force winds followed by a major blackout and rioting. This parade of mine could use some positive mental energy........even from you

 

I take comfort from Summerautum, Giotto and JamesM. Thanks guys for the sunshine you bring to my parade:D

[JamesM]

I take comfort from Summerautum, Giotto and JamesM. Thanks guys for the sunshine you bring to my parade:D

 

Well, having gone through a period similar to what you describe, I cannot bring only sunshine to your parade. I think Lizzie caught that from my post.

 

While I certainly hope that this is a "happily ever after," as I said....may your short term bliss be a long term happiness.

 

I have mixed feelings, and I hope that your situation is different from mine.

 

I do want someone to succeed.

[summerautumn]

You have all the positive mental energy from me, and trust me, I am a powerful being.

 

I will leave you with a quote from the Tao Te Ching -

 

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

 

Isn't it an amazing feeling when we can create something with the help of our awareness? It is exhilarating! Yes, there will be other "things" but the truth for you right now is that your wife did initiate sex with you, something that hasn't happened before. There will be more things on our path, but if you focus on your right mindedness and go from a place of love, you and your wife will be richly rewarded. And so will all those who are around you. It is contagious.

 

And thanks Mem for that insightful post about Lizzie! Crazy thing is, whatever we think, we are right. If we think pessimistic thoughts, we see that, if we think optimistic thoughts, we see that too. Lizzie, do know that you have a choice in your interpretation of the world. And if at one point it becomes undesirable to see it in negative terms, you can always choose something else. Just like that.

 

 

 

Well Lizzie, I can understand a little rain on my parade.....but you are sending me a nor eastern snow storm combined this gale force winds followed by a major blackout and rioting. This parade of mine could use some positive mental energy........even from you

 

I take comfort from Summerautum, Giotto and JamesM. Thanks guys for the sunshine you bring to my parade:D

Edited March 2, 2010 by summerautumn

[JamesM]

As for Lizzie - she is very insightful - unfortunately she is brutally pessimistic. While I think some level of sexual apathy does happen in long term marriages - what she experienced - profound sexual aversion - is not the norm. I like Lizzie and find her delightful - and yes she is hot - still the norm is not to come to see your H as your brother. Sure it happens but not in the majority of marriages.

 

With all due respect...spoken by a man.

 

While I have no clue if that is true or not because I doubt we could ever get the women in such marriages to admit this....even if they have admitted it to themselves, I can say that I do see many marriages where outwardly the passion is no longer in the eyes. This does not mean the passion left the bedroom, but the eyes ARE the window to the soul.

 

Having said that, just because one woman or many women quit sex or are averse to sex based on one reason (whatever that may be), this does not mean that this is what happened in your case (or my case). What it does mean is that you should consider this another possibility.

 

The future is unknown. Enjoy today.

[Lizzie60]

Well Lizzie, I can understand a little rain on my parade.....but you are sending me a nor eastern snow storm combined this gale force winds followed by a major blackout and rioting. This parade of mine could use some positive mental energy........even from you

 

I take comfort from Summerautum, Giotto and JamesM. Thanks guys for the sunshine you bring to my parade:D

 

Sorry PK.. I wish I could be more positive.. although I didn't say all what I wanted to say.. I'll leave it at that..

 

I truly wish you good luck.. I'm sure you deserve a great sex life..

 

Sending you my best mental-sexual vibes..

[summerautumn]

 

The future is unknown. Enjoy today.

 

Yes, yes, yes! Wholeheartedly agree!

[PKB57]

Sorry PK.. I wish I could be more positive.. although I didn't say all what I wanted to say.. I'll leave it at that..

 

I truly wish you good luck.. I'm sure you deserve a great sex life..

 

Sending you my best mental-sexual vibes..

 

Well, maybe Summmerautumn's super positive mental energy even rubbed off on you a bit? I'll take take your good vibes then.

 

Summerautumn: That is a great quote from Tao Te Ching. How true. I am so glad to be the recipient for your powerful positive mental energy. I think maybe you even got Lizzie to change her tune a bit...LOL. Maybe now I only had to deal with a rain shower from her on my parade.

 

How interesting it is how individuals can see the same issue and have such opposed view points. We can see something and be very pessimistic about the future and someone else be the total opposite.

 

I for one do believe we need to keep a positive mental attitude when approaching life challenges. Sexuality being no different. So I move forward with positive attitude not because I am trying to fool my self, rather because I feel that I have tapped into true progress.

 

We are all different. We all have different situations. It would be fooling myself to think I could simply read someones opinion here and say that is the solution to my issues. Not at all. I can only look at others opinions and try then to see how it may correlate to my own but never losing sight that my situation is my own and unique.

 

I have no doubts here that I have found the avenue that will lead to be a happier sex life. For me, it not just about me. It's about us. To find ways that will make the both of us be happier. As I want to her to be as happy as I am with more sex in our life. Obviously in my case it is entirely possible. It is why I am taking things one step at a time. Granted I may have a few stumbles along the way, but these will be just side steps as I keep moving forward one step at a time as they eventually become miles long.

 

What I know now is that "lack of sexual desire" is a miss statement. What the name of this thread should have been called is:

"Re-discovering my wife's sexual desire". As I take small steps toward that goal, I will be exploring new ideas. I am already starting to look at some fun toys to eventually surprise her with. One step at a time.

 

PKB