In need of guidance

[confused343]

HI everone,

 

I haven't posted on here for a while but I feel that I need some advice. I may ramble a bit but please read.

 

About six months ago a new girl started where I work. We both live in the same city and we commute together (with some others) in a car pool to work almost every day.

 

She is a one in a million, I have never heard a single bad word about her. She is smart, pretty, generous and so caring. (she even has a fairly famous and very cool brother too).

 

We got on with each other right from the start, the conversation never feels forced in any way and we can talk about anything.

 

We have been out with friends in town several times, usually ending up getting very drunk! We both enjoy good company and good drink!

 

A little about me, I am maybe average looking but I make up for it elsewhere. I am smart, funny, sociable, romantic, talented, generous etc.

 

Just before we met (literally days) she broke up with her ex. I don't know the full details (and I don't want to, that is her business) but I do know that he cheated on her. This has meant that she has "issues" about it and still does.

 

I told her about my feelings about her recently and she has said two things: firstly, that she doesn't want to hurt me but she wants to be just friends. Secondly, when I pushed a little more, she revealed she still has issues with her ex and doesn't look at anyone in a romantic way at the moment.

 

So...finally getting to the point. I know that there is usually no hope when you're in the "friend zone" but is there any chance that she is just saying this because of the issues with her ex. Should I try again in say six months - or whenever (i won't stop looking for others should they present themselves though), when she might be more inclined to these ways?

 

Any advice please?

[ciara12step]

go about your business! dont make her your own priority, if she starts liking u , she'll do it on her own . she pretty much told u she just wants to be friends, let her work out her own ex issues, it might take a long while .. but theres plenty of fish in the sea !

[Ronni_W]

I know that there is usually no hope when you're in the "friend zone" but is there any chance that she is just saying this because of the issues with her ex.

Yes and No.

She's not "just saying" that. She actually, really is not in a mental-emotional place to be interested in romantic feelings and relationships at this time. It's about hearing/honouring/accepting what she tells you, and taking it at face value. You also give yourself a better chance of being able to offer understanding, compassion, empathy and the type of support that SHE wants and needs -- all things that are terribly attractive in a partner.

For similar reason, instead of thinking that she has "issues with her ex" (which is kind of a negative perspective), why not consider something like "she's doing the smart thing and taking time to heal and grow"?

 

You can ask her how you can support her through it; suggest that you're willing to attend workshops with her if/when she needs a companion -- effective communications, stress management, personal development, emotional healing, whatever she needs to move forward. Or offer to learn a new hobby with her, or ballroom/Latin dancing classes.

 

That is, make yourself more valuable to her by becoming an integral part of her healing and her "new life" (after her ex.) Then, when she is finally ready, you're right there and you've both developed a similar level of coping and relationship skills and shared interests and...well, who ELSE is gonna be a better partner for her than you?

 

Should I try again in say six months - or whenever (i won't stop looking for others should they present themselves though), when she might be more inclined to these ways?

Yes, definitely do approach her again. Rather than thinking in terms of a time-frame at all, promise yourself that you're going to stay vigilant for signs that she's ready to consider start dating again. At that point, take it nice and slow and just START dating her...don't just jump into, "So you ready to be my girlfriend?" That could just spook her. Edited February 16, 2010 by Ronni_W

[confused343]

Thankyou both for your quick reply. I think you have an understanding of my situation and I say thankyou.

 

I feel that I am already quite a part of her new life. I forgot to mention that when she started work (her first job after uni) she moved to my city and basically started a new life.

 

One of her best (female) friends (whom I get on very well with) now goes to a post-grad course in the same city and lives next door to her so if she were to seek emotional support it would be from her.

 

However, she has told me on several occaisions that she is so happy with her new life in this new city. She has made so many new good friends (and I know most of them too) and I am sure that I am a major part of her being so happy.

 

I will just wait and see if anything changes, but respecting her wishes. No time-frame but I have not given up hope.

Thanks.

[skydiveaddict]

So...finally getting to the point. I know that there is usually no hope when you're in the "friend zone" but is there any chance that she is just saying this because of the issues with her ex. Should I try again in say six months - or whenever (i won't stop looking for others should they present themselves though), when she might be more inclined to these ways?

 

Any advice please?

 

 

 

Sorry my friend, but unfortunately you are correct about the deadly and inescapable "friend zone" Move on before you get your heart smashed

[BlueHarvest]

I wouldn't ask her again in 6 months. She stated explicity that she only wants to be friends. She also stated she isn't looking at anyone that way.

 

Go about your business, be a friend but ONLY a friend. Do not think about her all the time. Find a hobby, find another girl whom is interested in you.

 

It's a sad truth but if you find another girl, I guarantee you, your mind won't be thinking about her all the time.

 

If she gets out of her "funk" and starts looking at guys again and is interested in you, she will let you know. I would limit first contact to maybe 1 time a week. ONLY ONCE and just keep checking up on her, be very platonic. If she wants to be a friend she will recpricate. If not, then forget about her and move on.