Greener grass????

[MJEW]

For all of those who are about to leave their spouses thinking the grass is greener on the other side...well it's not.

 

It has taken me a long time to realize this, but I finally have, and that was my first step. I have been doing some therapy the last couple of months and I am learning to get over the guilt of how I destroyed my family, my life, my marriage, I am still learning yes, but the most important thing for me is im doing it.

 

My life now is different than what I expected, I always thought that there was something else out there better for me, something great that could sweep me off my feet and give me what I was missing for so long in my marriage.

Looking back at it now, ( as I so often do) I have come to realize that my marriage, my life wasn't too bad. It was me, not him, me who wasn't fullfilled with myself, at the time I didn't know that, at the time I blammed it all on him, it's easier to see your side when you think your right, you drown out all of those close to you who are telling you that your making the biggest mistake of your life, you think your right, therefore your right.

 

I have learned that I am a runner, I constantly run in circles cerating drama and chaos and sabatoge my life, why do I do this? Because I am not happy within, I am missing something inside me, I am not happy within myself. It's been a very long time since I have looked at myself in the mirror, and I still have a hard time getting up the gumption to do it. Why, because I know in there I am going to see a very unhappy soul.

 

I have a constant reminder of how unhappy I am and much I have screwed up my life when my sons father comes to the door to pick him up. I put the happy face on but I am dying inside, dying because I know I shouldn't be in this house with the man that I thought I loved more than anything, thought he was that something great that came and swept me off of my feet.

Well I was wrong.

 

Karma...what a thing...comes back to haunt you...

 

Now I am on a journey, I have told this man that I am not whole, I am not right inside my soul, and this journey will make me be a better person, unfortunately for him it will make me a better person without him. He knows this, I have been honest, it's the least I can do because I have been doing nothing but lying to myself and him for the last 2 years.

[PWSX3]

Thank you for sharing, it's not often we get to hear that side of the story.....

 

I do believe you hit it on the head when someone leaves a marriage, they are not happy with themselves & are hoping there is something else out there that will make them feel better.

 

I am glad to hear you are doing the work to make "YOU" a better person & to understand what the real reason is you left.

 

I emailed my former wife the other day about taxes & in her reply she said; I will always care for you & I miss you & she was the one that left me............

[karnak]

It takes a lot of courage for someone to accept their faults and mistakes. You're on the right path.

I too have suffered a lot in the hands of women who, like you, had very deep emotional issues. By accepting those problems and trying to heal yourself you're doing the right thing. In the end you will become a better and stronger person.

It will not be an easy task. But if you really want so, you shall vanquish all your inner turmoils and problems.

Count on us to help you. And thanks for sharing this with us.

[lkjh]

Why don't you just break up with the OM already. All of your post are about how the OM is the wrong man and you messed up. I couldn't really tell from your other post if you actually cheated on your H or not but you need to get rid of the OM and work on yourself

[LisaUk]

Thank you for posting this, from the person who was left perspective you have no idea what a relief this would be for me to hear from my ex. 11 months now of constantly blaming myself for everything, for losing the love of my life. Although not as raw as when he first left, nearly one year on I still dream about him, I still cry from the pain of him leaving me, the utter hurt of it all and b/c I miss him, I miss him so much sometimes I can hardly breathe. I hope you have told your XH all this, if nothing else he derserves peace, to stop beratting himself if he still is, please give him that, I feel this will never leave me as long as I live and breathe.

[MJEW]

All of your post are about how the OM is the wrong man and you messed up. I couldn't really tell from your other post if you actually cheated on your H or not but you need to get rid of the OM and work on yourself

 

IKJH, I didn't cheat on my ex husband, we had broken up already, I had broken up with him, thinking my life would be so much grander, that my life wasn't fullfilled, that it was the marriage, it wasn't me....I met the OM during this stage...the greener side right! Only to learn that's it's not.

 

I am in a very difficult stage right now in my life, I know what needs to be done, I know how to do it, but when one is so consumed with guilt and shame you tend to get lost in the process.

 

I feel so much pain, guilt shame and regret, being with this OM, it's a constant reminder of how I ruined my life, my marriage, myself, I am trying to find myself again, to be nice to myself, to be encouraging to myself, to be kind to myself, to find the strength for myself, so I can say to him, (OM) this in't working and follow through with it. It's a hard battle, but I know that if I continue to do what I am doing, my therapy, continue to like myself, continue my journey I will have the strength to say good bye, and not feel guilty or shameful.

 

I have called my ex during this process, I have told him that I am sorry for all the things that i have done, but he has moved on, he is happy and I am glad that he is happy. He has made peace with things as far as I can tell. He has forgiven himself I beleive, but Lisa I couldn't ask him that, there's too much history here for me to come out and ask him that, I will just go on the believe that he has made peace, because he deserves peace.

 

I need to forgive myself for my part in all of this, I can't seem to do that, I am learning, but it will take it's time.

Edited February 16, 2010 by MJEW

[nobmagnet]

im sat here in tears.

 

thank you for your honesty.

 

it means alot for us that have been left alone and whats more my love........you can see it. Thanks soooooo much.

 

 

Nobby x

[Butterflair]

I think I'm hoping that one day I'll hear an apology and some remorse for the choices my husband made. He didn't leave on his own, I made him but he was having the affair. Not sure if the guilt will be the same or if he'll always blame me. He still denies the relationship though the girl moved in with him the day he moved out of here.

[2.50 a gallon]

Until you drop the OM you are doomed.

 

You already have admitted that you will never find yourself in the shadow of the OM.

 

Time to move on in life and begin the healing

Edited February 17, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon
missed word

[MJEW]

Well I just had a long talk with my oldest son, he's 16, I have come to the conclusion that he lives here too and he see's what happens in this house with the OM and I, as much as I have tried to hide it, he knows what's happening.

 

I have told him that tonight when OM gets home from work, I am going to tell him that we need to seperate, he needs to move out and give me some space, I can't think when he's here, I feel smothered and I feel like my emotions run on his moods. I have tried many times within the last 2 years to break up with him and everytime that I do, I don't follow through, I felt weak and shamed.

 

I have always felt," this is what I choose over my x husband, therefore I need to make it work" You made your bed now you have to lay in it so to speak. Well it has come to the point where this relationship is making me emotionally ill and exhausted because of the guilt and pain that I feel. Sometimes I feel like I am Bi-polar with my mind racing trying to make it work. ( I am not Bi-polar but I am depressed )

 

My oldest son said that he respects my decision, and he asked why I waited so long because he knew that I was unhappy. Funny thing how your kids know it before you acknowledge it. He's a good kid, and he said that he supports my decision 100%. I feel better talking to him about it, instead of seeing his mother run around like a chicken with it's head cut off and not understanding fully, he now knows the reasons, and my reasoning behind it.

 

I have come to realize that I am in some way a codependant, I guess people are to some degree, but my actions and my decisions in the last 3 years have been based on " what can I do to make him happy", I try to fix people, I have tried to fix him, I have tried too hard to do that and I have lost myself in the process. Everything I have set aside for him, to make him happier, to make him better, to help him because of his issues of infertility, etc, etc, etc, etc, I have been under the " I am not aware of how I feel, I am aware of you feel". I need to live again, I need to feel again, I need to love myself again.

 

I need to recover, to heal, to find me again, and I can do that with the OM gone. I need to grieve the loss of my marriage, my mistakes, my failures as a wife, I need to heal, and try to make sense of why I do the things I do.

 

And tonight is the first step I can take do this.

 

I know that as you read this you'll have your comments, your judgements, but I find it a relief that I can sit and type this and know that I can follow through with my decisions, and hopefully get some good old fashion advice from you people here.

 

I welcome myself to the first night of the beginning of my new life..........

Edited February 17, 2010 by MJEW

[SuburbanOblivion]

I don't in any way shape or form regret leaving my past marriage, but I agree there is a healing period that needs to take place. As much as I've grown and become independent during the divorce, it's been that much more so since the divorce was over and I am finding my feet and living on my own for the first time.

 

At times I am glad that SO is so far away, because as much as I'd kill to be with him every day, right now is for me and finding myself again.

[aimchase]

There will be hundreds of people who will only wish those words were being said by their own ex partners. I know your character of being a 'runner', creating drama and looking for the greener grass is exactly that of my ex. How I wish she'd introspect herself like you have.

 

Great credit to you, really great credit......

[MJEW]

Well first I am going to give a big sigh..AHHHHH....

 

It's been a little over 12 hours since I asked the OM to leave, he came back after work last night, I told him yesterday that i needed to talk with him. He came home, he was quiet, I was calm, because I was calm, he was worried. I actually felt for the first time in 2 years, in control. In control of my feelings, my thoughts, decisions.

 

I told him that I couldn't go on like this anymore, I am lying to him, my kids but most importantly, myself. I do love him, I can't deny that, but not as much as I thought, I do things for him out of obligation, out shame, out of guilt, not love, and when you do those things you think your doing it for the right reasons, and it's taken me along time to realize that.

 

AHHHH....

 

I know it's only been not even a day, but I feel relieved, and confident that I did this. I can breath, I am scared, but I can breath.

 

I sat up last night ( till 0300 hrs) and thought alot about my life ( as I do many times during my day). I had an interesting ephiphany last night, something that I didn't realize before, but it makes it easier to understand my actions.

 

In 2007, my ex and I got back together, told him I wanted to try at our marriage. I had recently tried to go ahead with the divorce papers in September 2007, I couldn't do it, I freaked out, I didn't understand why I couldn't sign the damn papers, I realized I need to work at my marriage, I wasn't done, I wasn't over him, that I still loved him very much. We got back together, I tried very hard to work at it, I can honestly say that for a time within those 3 months, I did try, and I was very happy with how I was progressing, inside and out.

 

Then the OM started to text me, around Decemberish, the texts were, I hope your happy, I am miserable, I need you, I want you, etc etc, I began to doubt myself, I began to doubt my ex, I began to doubt everything. I became scared of my ex because he was changing, he learned from his mistakes, his therapy, his healing, he could carry his own, I began to doubt myself as a person and begna to think that my ex would be better off without me because I haven't changed, I thought I did, but I felt after receiving those messages from the OM, I began to believe that I hadn't changed. So once again because I was a coward, I ran, I ran back to OM. Thinking, my ex doesn't need me, he's strong, he's healing, he doesn't need someone to nurture him, but the OM does, so off I went, me and crazy thinking of I am the caregiver, I shall fix everyone that is a wounded soul. But not realizing at the time that my soul is wounded and has been for a long time.

 

God I hurt my ex husband so much..so much I did..and trust me it's been with me everyday since,as it will be with me forever. He is a strong wonderful man, and I am very proud to have been loved by him.

 

I am learning alot in the lst 2 months, I cry alot too....for my ex, for my loss, for my children who has seen their mother do this to their lives, I am slowly learinng to cry for myself, and feel that it's ok to do it too.

 

My journey has begun.....I am looking forward to this...as I said it's only been less than a day since I have started this without the OM, but I know that in the end I made the right decision.

Edited February 18, 2010 by MJEW

[PWSX3]

I feel you are on the right track. Unless we are happy with ourselves & are in control of our own life then you can't be happy in another relationship, nor can you bring good into another relationship.....

 

It will be very hard but keep at it & I'm sure you will be happy with what happens...

[MJEW]

Well I have had a busy week.

 

I find I have gotten out alot this week and spent some good old fashion time with family and friends, and spent alot of time with my boys.

 

I went up to my Uncle's on Friday night with my sister and the boys, we watched home video's and I saw on the video's how happy I was back then, it was family functions, get togethers at my parents house, there was video footage of me and my ex as well. It hurt to watch it, because I see how I was back then, I was happy, then I look at what I had become now and I look haggered, drained, exhausted. I sat and cried some that night when I got home, alone in my bed after I tucked the boys in, then I found I just stopped crying, not sure why, but I just seem lately to cry alittle then stop.

 

Yesterday I picked up my sister and we went up to my mother's house, we had some more family time and girl talk. Man I miss girl talk with them, you have to understand that in the last 3 years, I have really cut my family out of my life because I realise I didn't want them to see how unhappy I really was. If I kept them at a far, they wouldn't remind me of how my old life used to be, remind me of how much I really messed my life up, I wanted them to see "this is my new life and see everyone how happy I am".......I was only fooling myself though.

 

So reconnecting with my family again in the last 2 months have really helped my growth and help me get stronger, so I can keep recovering and help forgive myself the stronger I get.

 

So during our girl talk, I heard a certain song that remined me of my ex on the radio, well needless to say, I cried, and cried, and I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't hold back, I tried, but I couldn't stop. I guess it was a long time coming because I don't remember when the last time I cried like that. But it felt so good to do it.

 

I went to bed last night and I had a better sleep than I've been having, I awoke this morning and I feel refreshed in my heart.

 

I know that I have a long way to go, but, I am feeling stronger as each day goes by, and I know now that I can allow myself to stop and think about what I have done, but I also have learned that I can slowly learn how to forgive myself and take responsibilty for what I did.

 

And I just keep reminding myself that is part of the recovery process.

[PWSX3]

 

So during our girl talk, I heard a certain song that remined me of my ex on the radio, well needless to say, I cried, and cried, and I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't hold back, I tried, but I couldn't stop. I guess it was a long time coming because I don't remember when the last time I cried like that. But it felt so good to do it.

Someone told me that crying is how God cleans us from the inside out!!!

 

It is moments like that which hit you by surprise that bring back good memories.

 

Nothing wrong with crying. When I grew up I was told crying is for sissies. If your going to cry I'll give you something to cry about. So I didn't cry & now that I'm learning it's O.K. to cry I find myself doing it all the time. Funny emotion I never had before....

 

We can't fix the past, but we hopefully can learn from it & then move forward. Sounds like you are understanding & working at moving forward...

[ann09]

Wow. Lots of food for thought.

 

I lie awake every night wondering if I am doing the right thing by wanting my marriage to end. Sadly, I know I am. I don't love him, I know I got married for all the wrong reasons and I know if I stayed it would be solely to keep our kids in a stable home. I am terrified of what this will do to them. At times I wake up and feel like I can't breathe because I picture their little faces and I am so scared for them.

 

But I am also scared at how I will be if I stay. My H and I get along great for the most part. We have a great family unit. We can do things with the kids and look at eachother and smile because we share that love for our kids. But we don't share a love for eachother. I wish we did as my life would be so much easier. Never did I think my kids would be products of a divorce. It saddens me because I want for them what I had growing up. A happy, stable family life. A family that loved being together. I loved watching my mom and dad hug every day. My kids don't have that now and won't if I stay.

 

Sorry - didn't mean to hi-jack your thread. Your postings have given me a lot to think about. But i undoubtedly know I won't have regrets ending my marriage - but it's a very scary leap just the same.

 

I wish you the best and hope your healing process is successful.

[MJEW]

God I feel great today............

 

I woke up with my little man snuggled into me, didn't want to get out of bed, I love listening to him breathing ( well snoring actually). I got ready for work, my oldest son helped out today and got the little one off to school, I am very thankful that I have 2 such great kids.

 

I went into work, held my head high and laughed today. Had some people approach me about my break up (that's the problem when your with someone who works in the same palce as you) they asked if I was ok, and I said, YES, I am doing just fine. And you know what, holy crud I am doing just fine.

 

What a good Monday morning, what a great way to start the week off....

[health]

Interesting read. I have a question. Do you have someone new lined up now? Possibly at work? Be honest. A little liking for anyone new? Cause it could very well be a pattern.

[MJEW]

Wow that is quite the question Heath, but the answer is no. I understand why you ask that question though, I have already discussed it with my therapist, and I can honestly say that the answer to that is no.

 

In 1998 when I met my husband we were both in college, both busy getting our careers, our lives in check. It was a healthy start emotionally and mentally, we had the same things in common. In the 8 years that we were together somehwere along the way, life got busy, kids, morgage, new cars, vacations, work, dogs, family, marriage, a ton of bills piled up and so did the stress for both of us. We shot up from nothing to everything in alittle less that 2 years, then the stress shot up with it.

 

At the time, he and I became so busy trying to cope with these new demands in our live that we lost each other along the way. I remember many times I would try to have a conversation with him about how we are lost, and at the time he didn't want to hear it, or deal with it. He had his own demons to sort through, and I, well I guess I just didn't try hard enough. I just gave up, and that is what I regret, I just gave up.

 

When we separated in 2006, there wasn't anyone else I was running too, or I had lined up.

 

In 2007 when my ex and reconciled I tried very hard for the 3 months. I saw these changes in my ex, I remember feeling intimidated by these changes too, and that scared me.

 

I wish to god this day that I didn't do what I did, run like a coward, back to the OM,..............but I did, and that is what I have to live with for the rest of my life, I ran, I let him down, I let my kids down, I let myself down.

 

I have learned a great many things about myself in the last 2 months, I am going through the houda woulda shoulda coulda's. I have forgiven myself for things that I have done, but the forgiveness that I just can't find within myself is the fact that I ran and didn't try hard enough with my ex and I hurt him the way I did.

 

One day maybe it will come, one day I maybe be able to get past this in some way, but I have to learn how to do that.

 

The start to that I guess is learning me, healing me, liking me, enjoying me. If i can find it within myself to do that, then maybe the rest will fall into place slowly. ( And a realtionship with someone else Heath just isn't in there anywhere)

[MJEW]

Someone told me that crying is how God cleans us from the inside out!!!

 

It is moments like that which hit you by surprise that bring back good memories.

 

Nothing wrong with crying. When I grew up I was told crying is for sissies. If your going to cry I'll give you something to cry about. So I didn't cry & now that I'm learning it's O.K. to cry I find myself doing it all the time. Funny emotion I never had before....

 

We can't fix the past, but we hopefully can learn from it & then move forward. Sounds like you are understanding & working at moving forward...

 

 

 

This is true PW, and thank you, I have taken your last statement and put it up on my mirror, so I can look at that statement everyday.

Thank you for that....

[PWSX3]

Your welcome

 

It's so easy to look back at what we did or have done, but we have to live with what we did.

 

I understand how you feel about the what if's, I still get those now & then.....

 

So have you figured out why you ran, why you didn't want to fight for your marriage???? Most of the time it's not what we think it is but something in our past that made us do it.....

 

My marriage wasn't bad either. She would tell me all these things that bothered her & I just didn't see it at the time. Until you look at yourself & take responsibility for you then you will never see it.

[health]

That's great then. I will get into more detail and refer to what you said later.

[You Go Girl]

Karma...yep, I'm a firm believer in that!

 

I was a WAW in my first marriage, maybe more of a RAW --I like that better--run away wife--and raw they are because they don't feel what they are losing-only focusing on what they believe (fairy tale like) that they will gain.

He was a good man.

Now karma has hit me in the arse with a 2nd marriage that has none of the humble, quiet love that makes a marriage work. I've tried so much harder with this one--and it has failed so miserably. Very similar to your story OP.

Your OM is your rebound, just like my H. Neither one of us sorted through what made us leave the marriage in the first place before jumping into something else.

Lessons never learned don't go away, can't be swept under any rug. They are there for a lifetime of misery if we don't learn them. It's ground hog day all over again until we get it right.

Leaving a good humble man for an egotistical one has taught me just how arrogant I was in leaving my first marriage. The pain is immense, incredible, drowning. The guilt and self-disgust destroys my self-esteem completely. But I do have a future somewhere out there with people in my life that are worth caring for. It might be years before I find someone worthy--but they will be worthy.

Now I do know, as this second horrible marriage ends, just what to value in people. I had it right the first time. Sometimes we get it right the first time and then take that for granted because we haven't been burned. I know I'll never be with an egotistical person again. I know I won't repeat the mistakes of this second marriage because the pain has taught me the personality traits and temperments of people worth knowing, and those to avoid.

I knew it all before. But I didn't fear losing it, and didn't fear choosing the wrong type of person. I now know not to gamble with my life or love.

It's been a very difficult and painful lesson.

All we can do is pick up the pieces and go forward with the knowledge that we have gained, knowing the mistakes that we won't make again.

I think somewhere in there is also a lesson about judgment, and understanding that others are at different stages of maturity, development, and that even those that are clearly failing to cherish the right things in life are in pain, and will be in pain until they get it right. So compassion is a lesson high on my list to learn. I can have compassion for those who are making the wrong choices. I don't have to marry them or have them in my life though.

[MJEW]

 

So have you figured out why you ran, why you didn't want to fight for your marriage???? Most of the time it's not what we think it is but something in our past that made us do it.....

 

QUOTE]

 

Yes I have, and frankly that's what upsets me the most. I learned at an early age to run, when things are getting tough, leave the situation, leave and don't look back, it's not your fault, it's theirs.

 

Now I am not blaming anyone, it's a learned behaviour, and me growing up in a single family home, that's what I learned. When I did learn that, I was sick to my stomach.

 

So easy to think of it now, all of the different situations in my relationship with my ex, how I didn't fight for certain things, how I didn't speak my mind or if i did so in a manner which wasn't understood, or wasn't forceful enough to make him understand that things needed to change in our relationship because we weren't happy, we were just living. Here I go with the houda woulda shoulda's....

 

But man I wish I had this insight years ago.

 

You go girl....you are exactly right when you stated my OM was a rebound, the greener grass LOL,,,,yah right! I can look at it now and see it so clearly, funny how you can see the tree's through the forest when your out of it.

 

I am taking a look at myself and I do take responsibilty for ruining my marriage..I wish I can change things, but I can't...but my ex will never know that..I won't tell him...I can just learn from my mistakes and learn from myself.

 

I am going to be an old lady with 15 cats and my kids come over to visit complaining that the cat hair bothers them LOLOLO.....it's a good thing I can laugh at myself.