Greener grass????

[MJEW]

Your welcome

 

 

 

So have you figured out why you ran, why you didn't want to fight for your marriage???? Most of the time it's not what we think it is but something in our past that made us do it.....

 

QUOTE]

 

Yes I have, and frankly that's what upsets me the most. I learned at an early age to run, when things are getting tough, leave the situation, leave and don't look back, it's not your fault, it's theirs.

 

Now I am not blaming anyone, it's a learned behaviour, and me growing up in a single family home, that's what I learned. When I did learn that, I was sick to my stomach.

 

So easy to think of it now, all of the different situations in my relationship with my ex, how I didn't fight for certain things, how I didn't speak my mind or if i did so in a manner which wasn't understood, or wasn't forceful enough to make him understand that things needed to change in our relationship because we weren't happy, we were just living. Here I go with the houda woulda shoulda's....

 

But man I wish I had this insight years ago.

 

You go girl....you are exactly right when you stated my OM was a rebound, the greener grass LOL,,,,yah right! I can look at it now and see it so clearly, funny how you can see the tree's through the forest when your out of it.

 

I am taking a look at myself and I do take responsibilty for ruining my marriage..I wish I can change things, but I can't...but my ex will never know that..I won't tell him...I can just learn from my mistakes and learn from myself.

 

I am going to be an old lady with 15 cats and my kids come over to visit complaining that the cat hair bothers them LOLOLO.....it's a good thing I can laugh at myself.

[PWSX3]

So why can't you share your thoughts with you ex?

 

Why couldn't you tell him you screwed up?

 

Maybe it would help to let him know, yes I made a big mistake & I am very sorry for what I put you thru....I know my former W blamed me for everything but last summer she finally told me she was sorry that she put me thru everything. Yes it did make me feel better.....

 

I think my former W was also a runner. I can see whenever she had trouble at jobs she would find another one so she didn't have to deal with the problems.

 

What you say I could see her saying the same thing. She didn't have an affair or another man waiting but I really don't think she is happy.

[MJEW]

No I can't tell him, would like to but I can't, besides it wouldn't do any good anyways.

 

I think that he would just think, "she's broken up with the OM and going to do the same to me as what she did before". And I can understand that given what I did before to him.

 

We are in a good place right now no fighting, no arguing, just getting along when the drop off pick up occurs and I'm really glad that we can be this way for our son. We send text messages back and forth regarding our little guy, but that's it.

 

He is happy, he has moved on, he's in another realtionship with a girl who is nice, I've met her briefly at our son's karate lessons, he's happy and I want to see him happy, he deserves to be happy, after all I put him through.

 

I called my ex a few weeks ago because I needed him to know how sorry I was about what I put him through, I told him I was sorry for not fighting for us, for me, for him, I am not sure what his reaction was really, can't tell too much on the telephone, but i said it, not sure if he believed me or not, I can't make him believe me, I can't change it.

 

I picked up our little guy the other night and when I was driving him back to his dad's he told me that he told his dad about the break up with the OM, I asked my little guy to no say anything after that, he doesn't understand why, he wants us back together as every kid wants their parents back together. I just don't want his dad to think I'm a failure or I'm an idiot or something, well actually he prob. already thinks that, but.

 

I am just going to continue to be a single mom having, enjoying and loving her two boys. I have rebuilt my connection with my family and my friends, and my boys are happy, they have been happy for the last week.

 

I am just going to continue doing what I am doing, living life.

[You Go Girl]

You've reconnected with your family and friends---there you go! You're re-grounding yourself. Getting back to reality. Taking care of the people that you care for again. Getting your priorities straight--those that matter to you.

You're doing all the right things.

You've even apologized to the ex--the tough apology--the one where you take responsibility for what you did. You've done it.

You've done half the 12 steps of recovery programs all on your own just using your common sense.

You're well on your way and making all the right decisions. That's how you forge a path forward.

What's left is the toughest of all I think--forgiving yourself.

That one takes time. But as you do for others--caring for those around you, nurturing your healthy good relationships and losing the toxic ones--eventually your self-respect will be rebuilt.

At least that's what I'm hoping will happen to me, lol

Then somewhere, sometime, there's a bright future? With even love possibly in a healthy relationship? And if not, so what, the thing is to be a person that others regard in a good light--that your family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers think that you are the type that they like to be around. I guess it truly is what others think of us that matters in the end, of course what we think of ourselves matters! But, I love your analogy about the 15 cats--I can soooo relate--I've told everyone that I am going to be the old lady with the long flowing grey hair out mumbling to herself in her garden surrounded by 40 cats.

Well I upped your cats number. Not intentionally trying to one up you--just already had told everyone that higher number. What can I say? I aspire a little higher.

[MJEW]

I am re-grounding myself and getting back to reality..your exactly right! And man it feels good doing it.

 

I know it's gonna be a step by step process, each day it's going to be easier as I seem to have a really good support system, family and friends make a difference. It really makes a difference to do as well, without the OM around too.

 

My 2 boys help alot, make me laugh alot lately and I am thankful for that. The last couple of days my little guy has been at his dad's and this alone time is helpful, my oldest one helps out here, but I write in my journal, go for a drive with the 80's music cranked, take a walk with my doggie, spending alone time with me. It's hard, it's lonely at times, it's been along time since I've done that, but I do like it.

 

Not sure how my dog would like the 15 cats, lol, but I have learned that I can be alone and happy.

[health]

MJEW. It's great that you are learning. I can see how all this houses, cars, bills etc can get in the way. I appologize if that question seemed loaded. I would say just forgive yourself and move on. Start fresh.

 

It's kinda cool to read your story. I had my heart shattered when my girl dated a new guy 3 days after our 5 year plus partnership.

I hope you do your thing. It's my hope I heal as well.

[MJEW]

Well like every story, it's a painful one, but I am learning how to cope and deal with it day to day. Like I said before I guess with each passing day it becomes easier to swallow, but it's the realization that you messed up something really good in your life, that could have been something greater with a little hard work, that's the hardest to swallow.

 

But that's what I have to do.

 

I find when my mind starts racing about this, it just snow balls with all of the guilt and hurt, I have to learn how to control it, but that will come with time, right?????????

[You Go Girl]

Well like every story, it's a painful one, but I am learning how to cope and deal with it day to day. Like I said before I guess with each passing day it becomes easier to swallow, but it's the realization that you messed up something really good in your life, that could have been something greater with a little hard work, that's the hardest to swallow.

 

But that's what I have to do.

 

I find when my mind starts racing about this, it just snow balls with all of the guilt and hurt, I have to learn how to control it, but that will come with time, right?????????

 

First, take some of that guilt off your shoulders. Your marriage wasn't perfect, or you wouldn't have left. Your ex is no saint either--there's no need to become the martyr because you didn't try everything you should have to save that relationship.

You need to look backwards to understand why you did what you did. We often act on things without understanding them completely--most of the time probably!

Remember all the different feelings and thoughts you had when you were deciding to leave. Analyze them a little. Go past the old house if that will renew the feelings so you can understand them. Old pics could do the same.

Then look back even further--did you ever toy with the idea of divorce, say, many years before you acted on it?

Was it a fantasy in the back of your mind years before?

And what behaviors did you ex have that you focused on when you decided to leave? Some of those you might realize now you blew out of proportion in order to have an excuse to leave...but some of those behaviors of his might be valid reasons should you examine them.

We're all complicated people, and understanding ourselves is one of the toughest jobs we'll ever do in this life.

Get to know yourself this way, but also forgive yourself. None of us knows ourselves as well as we think we do.

 

I look back on my first marriage that I was a WAW, and when I start to put him into sainthood, I remember certain things...like that he would often put me down in front of friends, or that he spent the last year of our marriage watching porn every free minute of his day.

[MJEW]

No my marriage wasn't perfect, there was some good time and some bad times as there is with every relationship, and trust me he was no saint either. I do look back and think of those times, the times when in my head I thought" what the heck am I doing?, how can I make this a happy relationship?" But he was happy, so he says, I wasn't with alot of things. Mostly I wasn't happy with myself, So I just crawled into my mind and lost myself in my boys, that was my first mistake.

 

I have learned that in order to work at something within the relationship, there needs to be 2 people on board to make the change not just one, duh! Why didn't I see that before...

 

I am in the position now where he was for so long when I was with the OM. Our little guy is with him and his new partner and her kids, I feel sad that I did this, I have always felt sad when it comes to that because I know and have always known that I didn't work hard enough at our marriage.

 

So now I am the one that's alone, and I am learning to like my alone, as it gives me the strength to look inside my heart and soul, and find the girl I knew before, I know she's in there, she's slowly peeking out, soon she's gonna barge out and say " Pull up your big girl socks and get off your ass and live your life".

 

I have driven by the old house so many times in the last 3 years, I parked down the road and sat there at 3 in the morning in the fall, thank god no one called the cops on a suspicious persoon, but I sat and thought about all of our memories, I got lost in the memory of one time we sat in the summer time on the front step and go drunk....just him and I drinking wine, talking, laughing, enjoying each other...that was a great moment..at least I have alot of great memories and there mine...no matter what they are mine.

 

I am trying to understand myself, have made progress,I can feel it within.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

[You Go Girl]

So here you are defining yourself on just you--without him. Who is just you?

And you're coming to terms with that.

That's the only successful way forward!

So kudos to you!

We feel defined in this life by who we love--and who loves us.

There are still plenty of people in your life that love you and you love them--and the healthier you are, the more of those healthy love relationships are in your future.

Now you're grounded, and you won't let the unhealthy types out there snag you, like the OM.

Whomever is in your future--one day when you're ready and it's right--is going to be a wonderful person.

But the best thing is --it's going to be wonderful just being you. You're completing the part of yourself that was incomplete and made you leave the M in the first place. Now you'll be whole.

I have never driven past my house in 9 years time. I can't. I loved that place more than I can say. I don't want to see other people's stuff in my yard, lol I heard they painted it an awful color. That's enough not to drive by, right there.

I wonder if I have made the healthiest choice in that regard. Then again, it's just a house, not that important. Since it would pain me to drive by, I'm probably making the right decision.

[PWSX3]

It's been a while since we have heard an update, just wondering how things are going???????

 

I do know this time of year is hard for lots of people, but now the days are getting longer, the weather is getting better, people will start feeling better.

 

Are you still doing the "good" work????

[MJEW]

Well here I go again....

 

I haven't posted in awhile so I thought that I would give an update on my life.

 

I sadely made the wrong decision and went back to the OM in March, in a really bad moment of weakness, I got really scared because he was taking everything from the house, geez he was going to take the bed that's how bad it was. I got scared and I went back to a relationship with him thinking that I have to make it work, I just have to keep trying and make it work between us, the fault lies within me for not trying so hard and not being able to forget my past. So, I took him back.

 

Now in the last 3 months I have still felt this heavy heart, this lie within myself, it just doesn't go away does it....No it doesn't.....why I ask myself?????Because I haven't done anything to help change it, I keep making the same mistakes over and over with him.

 

So I left with the boys...I packed some of our things and I left. Having that moment of clarity where you see finally that things aren't going to get better and knowing that you can't move on with a man no matter how much you try...you just can't.

 

I am now staying at my parents house, I have lost everything, and no the grass definately isn't greener here.

 

I am very humbled by all of this. The boys are happy, I see their smiles, I hear there laughs, that in itself gives me the strength to move on and not go back, because it's been a very long time since I have seen that genuine smile on them.

 

I have left with nothing, I gave him everything ( all material things) therefore he can't come back and guilt me into anything or scare me again. I am beginning a new path with my boys, I will get there eventually, but in the mean time I also need to content with the ever knawing feeling inside of me about my ex husband. I need to grieve that loss, I need to finally put closure on him and I, I know he has, but it's harder for me because I always lied to myself thinking that it was done for me, only to discover that I just can't put it aside, I can't seem to close the door.

 

Yes I know many who read this are prob thinking wow this chick is messed up, and your right, in my heart I am....but I know now what it is I have to do, and this is my time to do it.

[habs53]

I have done so much research on this kind of stuff, and unfortunately this is very common. The leaver actually becomes the left. By the time they get over thems selves, the other has moved on. I know i have mentioned this before but only 20 percent of leavers will live a happily married life again. The left has an 80 percent chance. I have read this on a few sites. This is proof the grass is not greener.

Even in my case, my son says im happier than his mother. Its only been a few months for us.

[MJEW]

Well Habs those statistics appear to be true.

 

I know that I can't wollow in this self pity about what I have done wrong, the choices that I made, I've done that before and it has just got me back to the same old place.

 

I know now that I need to shut that door forever, I need to move on and forgive myself for the things that I have done wrong with respect to my ex husband and the OM.

 

I find that coming back to this cross road time and time again, I am not making any progress with the road that I keep chosing, the road back with the OM, when I do I still have that naggling feeling about my ex.

The trouble is everytime I look at the OM, I think of my ex.

 

I realize that the thing that would help me now that I am standing back here at these cross roads, I look and see my ex is the road to the left, the OM is on the right, I need to walk straight ahead and find my own path.

For as long as I am taking the road to the right, I am never going to heal properly and I'll always be aching because I chose the wrong road.

 

Funny how we keep chosing the wrong road.

 

Even when we know it's not good for us, not healthy, well I guess you finally wake up one day and realize in your head what your heart is been telling you the whole time, I am just sorry that I have hurt so many people by choising the wrong road the last 3 years.

 

I don't know if any of this actually makes sense to you all or not, but I guess the most important thing is, it finally makes sense to me, after a long hard road since I have left my ex, this is finally making sense and I know what I have to do.

[habs53]

Well Habs those statistics appear to be true.

 

I know that I can't wollow in this self pity about what I have done wrong, the choices that I made, I've done that before and it has just got me back to the same old place.

 

I know now that I need to shut that door forever, I need to move on and forgive myself for the things that I have done wrong with respect to my ex husband and the OM.

 

I find that coming back to this cross road time and time again, I am not making any progress with the road that I keep chosing, the road back with the OM, when I do I still have that naggling feeling about my ex.

The trouble is everytime I look at the OM, I think of my ex.

 

I realize that the thing that would help me now that I am standing back here at these cross roads, I look and see my ex is the road to the left, the OM is on the right, I need to walk straight ahead and find my own path.

For as long as I am taking the road to the right, I am never going to heal properly and I'll always be aching because I chose the wrong road.

 

Funny how we keep chosing the wrong road.

 

Even when we know it's not good for us, not healthy, well I guess you finally wake up one day and realize in your head what your heart is been telling you the whole time, I am just sorry that I have hurt so many people by choising the wrong road the last 3 years.

 

I don't know if any of this actually makes sense to you all or not, but I guess the most important thing is, it finally makes sense to me, after a long hard road since I have left my ex, this is finally making sense and I know what I have to do.

You know what, i would tell your ex. As hard as that seems, do it. Do not prejudge. Tell him you are truly sorry. You have to get rid of the other person!!! Love does not fully dissapear. Anyone that sais that is truly kidding themselves and not fooling anybody.

The person that got left is always the one in the drivers seat. Swallow your pride and do this. He must know.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

We are all human, we all make mistakes.

 

At least you have the intellect and perspective to realize your mistakes. Then, more importantly, the maturity move forward and admit your mistakes, allowing you to learn from them.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. You will be just fine. I am sure of it.

 

By the way, I would recommend telling your ex husband too...

[eeyore1981]

What exactly is it some of you keep telling OP to tell her ex? She said in her first post and then referred to it again in a later post she told her ex she was sorry, and she told her ex she realized she screwed up and took responsibility. She also said her ex had moved on and was happy and seeing a 'nice girl.'

 

OP, in my opinion, telling your ex what you already have is enough. If he wants to pursue the conversation, he can ask you about it. I think you are making good progress doing just what you are doing. Good luck.

[MJEW]

Eeyore I do agree with you, I will not tell him anything. He is happy with his life I have already caused too much havic before, I shall not and will not do it again. I refuse to say anything, I have spoken to my uncles about everything, they have been a major support system for both me and my ex, ( my ex has remained very close with them throughout all of this too), and I trust them enough that they wouldn't say anything on how I feel.

 

Besides as you stated, I have already told him how I was sorry, it was alot on my part to swollow my pride get the gumption to do it, I said it and I meant every word of it.

 

I am slowly learning how to move on, like I stated I need to heal from it, and put it behind me. I figure the best way for me to help myself is deal with one thing at a time.

 

I am trying trying to put some sort of normalcy back into my boys lives while living with my parents, don't get me wrong, they are happy as heck here and I see it in their smiling faces, but I need to make them feel as comfortable as possible and that's one of the reasons why I chose to move back with my parents. They see love and family here, they know that this is temporary, but being here around family and friends, will help us all grow from this.

This is a stepping stone, but one that will help us in the end.

[RedDevil66]

Mjew: your honesty is refreshing.

I didn't have the "grass is greener" syndrome before I met my current boyfriend, but after 5 yrs with him, I have it. Him and I have so many struggles, I am either in a reality or illusion of the "grass is greener".

 

Him and I are both in our mid 40's, both divorced (him legally married and myself common law), and both had come out of hard relationships before we met.

 

He's a recovery alcoholic (2 yrs totally clean) and I've been in Al anon for close to a year to work on why I think I can fix everything and everyone.

 

But I think something between us has been lost in all the "recovery" of self exploration we've both done. We've emotionally grown apart and I see my life much happier without him.

Though, like you, I've tried to leave many times only to come back because the time and space apart made me realize it wasn't so bad.

 

My best friend's ex left him after a 10 yr relationship. She thought there was something better out there. They had a lot of issues, but she left, moved 600 miles away (to TO actually) and he begged for her back.

Well she never did come back and after 5 yrs, they became friends again. But at that point he didn't want to go back to her.

About 2 yrs ago, all of us were at his place for a party and her and I were talking and I mentioned the issues my BF and I were having, She then said to me "Hold on to your guy, he's great and you will regret leaving. I regret leaving Bob 8 yrs ago and think about it every day"

 

This is what I fear, the regret, so I stay.

I also think living alone for 10 yrs, having health issues, working full time, taking courses has made me a totally self involved, selfish person, so it's been hard for me to adjust and accept parts of his life. He has VERY needy kids and a very needy family. They are a really dysfunctional bunch.

 

I feel if I find a relationship where a man doesn't have kids or a needy family or is not a recoverying addict, maybe I can be happpy.

Then I hear my friends talk about their marriages or I just need to come to this site and see how truly dysfunctional some people are and I think "my relationship is great compared to so many others"

 

But then I think "But there has to be more than this"

 

I'm torn.

Thanks for sharing your story and for being so honest.

[PWSX3]

Mjew, my former wife has also contacted me after being divorced for a year. She shared with me that she divorced me because she was selfish & wasn't happy, but now "I" feel she realizes how good she really did have it & wants that back.

 

Even after the divorce & her friends were telling her; you are free now, you don't have that (whatever they called me) in your life, she shared with me that she hasn't been happy since the divorce.

 

We have done a few things together, but I was dating someone else who broke up with me & that is when the former wife contacted me. Then after a month the G/F also wanted to get back together so for now we are seeing each other again & the former wife said she doesn't want to "date" and is giving me my space, but did say; when you are ready to reconcile to please contact her.

 

My former wife has become a born again Christian & she uses 1Cor 7:10 & 11 as her reason for wanting to reconcile our marriage.

 

I am glad you are not planning on contacting your ex again because that has REALLY confused me. I also became a better Christian because of the divorce so knowing that is what God would want really makes it hard for me.

 

I enjoy what I have with the G/F & I'm happy, but that little voice in the back of my head keeps thinking about what if with the former wife.

 

I know for me, I was working on my part I had in the bad marriage. Like you I don't feel like my former wife ever did any work so I applaud you for realizing you did have a part in your bad marriage & you are willing to do the HARD work it will take to look at yourself.

 

We can only look at what we did, realize we screwed up & dust ourselves off & start climbing that mountain again. It's always easy to blame someone else, always easy to say it wasn't may fault, but once we except it & want to do something about it then I really believe all those questions start to get answered....

 

I wish you the best.

[Steadfast]

I see your story helping many who come to LS looking for advice Mjew. It took courage and conviction to write and share what you're living with. You did a good job of expressing yourself and revealing what I think is a pretty common part of divorce. The 'leaver' does suffer more in the end. Anytime we chase happiness at someone else's expense, it comes back ten-fold on us. And you know what? I bet your ex knows this and knows how you feel. If he loves you (and I'm sure he does) his reaction will be kind.

 

Press on. I think you're realizing the trick of lessening the burden is first recognizing it's there. Now, you can really council the lost and weak and maybe get through to some of them. Still, when the fog is thick I'm not sure Jesus Christ himself could make an impact. Anyway, thank you.

 

PWSX3: I'm sorry, I do not know your history but I'd like to comment on your post. If your wife was unfaithful to you, she broke the marriage covenant. This releases you and is why God allows divorce. In the Word, divorce is not to be used as a convenience because someone 'changes their mind' and doesn't want to be married to that person anymore. Divorce is for the betrayed, a 'finishing' of what the betrayer started. OK?

 

People think trust is the core of marriage, but it isn't; the center is sexual union with your spouse. In later years, this simply becomes togetherness. Even outside of sex, the two are still one. Think about it; we vow -in front of our families, friends and in the presence of God- to honor and cherish. At that point, married couples should be free to live, work and pursue their dreams without constantly wondering if their spouse is being faithful. Don't allow your ex or anyone else to use scripture as leverage to get you back into a marriage that she ended by her actions. But, if you do love her and can within yourself learn to trust her again, then it's an option for you.

 

Tread carefully.

 

The most important aspect of Mjew's message here are the consequences of cheating and breaking your promises. It is truly a shame that someone's life has to be so impacted to give such a strong example, but her courage is the very thing that will lead her out of misery. This is a good work-

[spriggig]

...But then I think "But there has to be more than this"

 

There is.

 

But, where you are at now, it's not outside, it's inside. Your unhappiness is in yourself and that is where it needs to be addressed. If you leave, you'll take that unhappiness with you instead of leaving it behind. You could leave and chase butterflies with someone else, but that fog only masks the unhappiness for a short while, then you'll be right back where you are now.

 

I think we all know this intuitively but we don't know how to address the unhappiness within in us, even if we recognize it. We get frustrated and impatient with trying and eventually choose the easy path--chasing butterflies.

 

I'm not going to say that the easy path is wrong, it's just a different way to live. Jumping from person to person, chasing butterflies might be the right solution for some people--it seems tiring and lonely to me, though.

[RedDevil66]

well I've never jumped from person to person (I'm mid 40's and been in 3 long term relationships), but I agree I manifest some unhappiness from the inside. It's a human trait and we all do that.

Unless one has reached spiritual zen, pretty much everone has some internal struggles with happiness.

I've worked hard on internal happiness, that's probably why when I was 41 I decided to go to med school and will change my passion and profession

 

I dont look to my BF for happiness, just not sure this relationship helps me grow.

[PWSX3]

PWSX3: I'm sorry, I do not know your history but I'd like to comment on your post. If your wife was unfaithful to you, she broke the marriage covenant. This releases you and is why God allows divorce. In the Word, divorce is not to be used as a convenience because someone 'changes their mind' and doesn't want to be married to that person anymore. Divorce is for the betrayed, a 'finishing' of what the betrayer started. OK?

I don't want to take from MJEW's thread, but I wanted to let you know she did not cheat on me, she was not unfaithful, she just said she was selfish in her thinking...

[Steadfast]

I don't want to take from MJEW's thread, but I wanted to let you know she did not cheat on me, she was not unfaithful, she just said she was selfish in her thinking...

 

What have you decided to do, if anything?