cheating story advice needed!!!!

[moimeme]

Ello

 

The reason you let this bother you is that you continue to believe that his one-time, brief episode of sex equals a lack of love for you. It does not and did not. He was miserable and not thinking straight - AND you had given him the boot. People do not behave perfectly one hundred percent of every day - you certainly do not - and to expect him, when he was miserable and far away and not thinking straight, to act perfectly is unfair of you.

 

You wanted him to behave in a committed fashion even though you yourself had, essentially, said the commitment was no longer. Telling a person to leave and take his things is a fairly strong clue to most people that a relationship is over. So he has one sexual episode. And is miserable for nine months afterward. Not even the Catholic Church requires nine months of repentance for one brief stupid unthinking act.

 

If you ditch him over this, the older you get, the more you will realize how truly inconsequential his one act was in all of your lives and what an idiot you were to let that colour your whole life together.

 

Understand that people sometimes do things they would not ordinarily do because they are not themselves for whatever reason. You are not exempt, and so if you have ever expected forgiveness for doing something wrong to someone else, you better offer forgiveness to him for this.

 

How to get it out of your mind? Tell yourself exactly what I just wrote. It is extremely unfair of you to hold against him something for which he has MORE than repented. Do you want to be an unfair person? Do you think people ought to be punished for all eternity for one mistake? I hope to hell not.

[Arabess]

I totally agree with Moimeme.

 

I think, we as females, have a tendency to forget most men can really have a 'sexual experience'....a BOINK if you will....and it means absolutely NOTHING!

 

Since I work mainly around men, sailors and contractors, I can honestly say they DO have the drunken one-night-stands from time to time. They make jokes about the 'HO' among themselves and seriously hope their 'wives' don't find out. When a guy does get caught, he worries about it for days, hoping she won't throw him out. It REALLY wasn't anything of 'emotional value' to any of them....it was just sex. It meant no more to them than a 'shower moment' with company. LOL!

 

I've tried to think if I were married or dating someone who did that to me....would it bother me? Maybe so. But I doubt I would make a big deal out of a one-night-stand. I would simply....rather not know. I wouldn't even consider giving up a relationship over it. I'd let it go.......

[AprilFool]

Please don't leave him over this, and please quit throwing it up in his face. And PLEASE quit punishing him for it. He has stayed faithful to you for 9 months, even though you have yet to forgive him for something that he really didn't do against you. Like moimeme said, you threw him out; he was miserable; he was drunk *if I remember correctly*; it was one time.......let...it....go.

[ello]

I try to tell myself that he didn't really cheat, etc, but the thing is i honestly think he did. I think that it was his way of ending our relationship, but when he came home, he changed his mind.

 

I don't even know how to talk to him about it anymore, or even if i should. Maybe it should just be left alone. I guess i just feel like in order for me to forgive this, all the other little problems need to go away as well. for exapmle, the family issues need to be resolved for me. Just another little example, at christmas time, my bf and i were hanging out a few weeks before, and he said that his mother wanted to take him to mexico, and that she would take me as well. I didn't hear anything about again until about a week before xmas, and it was at his dads house his dad said "so you and your mom and brother are going to mexico!?" Why did i have to find out like this?? and also wasn't i invited? to tell the truth i could not accept such a huge gift, wouldn't have fun with people i do not like, and i would rather be with my family at xmas, but how was it okay for them to do the thing they were so mad at us for?? To invite someone on a trip and then take it back!! And it was totally kept from me. And of course there was nothing wrong with this, and so i spent xmas alone while they were off on yet another trip. I didn't want to make a big deal of this, although i felt it was totally wrong. The thing is that i really didn't want to take something like that away from him, it could be a once in a lifetime thing. I just felt that it would have meant so much to me if he stayed with me at xmas, especially after all this mess. Even though i am probally again, asking way too much. I hope this is a clear enough explanation.

Things like this just shouldn't happen i feel. I don't know how to deal with things.

[AprilFool]

This is not a good relationship for you. You need to quit holding on to the fantasy that he is Mr. Wonderful, and move on.

 

He cheated on you.

 

It took you 9 months to consider getting over it

 

then, the retard left you alone on Christmas? My relationship with my husband is the Loveshack-joke-of-a-marriage, and he doesn't like my family, but he went down to spend Christmas with them for me.

 

P.S. His family is rude to you, and it looks like they are doing spite work against you. Get out now, before you do the rediculous and marry him! My mom always said, "If it isn't perfect when your dating, DON'T MARRY THEM." It may have been perfect for a few years, but it is obviously not perfect now. Just get out while you still can.

[ello]

April Fool, i was wondering why you have changed your opinion so much, before you said the opposite, and now i am really confused! I don't know maybe i am expecting too much. I wouldn't really want him to miss out on a family trip to mexico, its just that it would have meant alot to me if he stayed, and gave up the trip for me. After all of this other stuff, that is. Is that unreasonable? Maybe i am just too romantic. But she bought the trip as a gift to them.

[AprilFool]

I posted my opinion first.

 

Than, I asked a lady who'd lived with her boyfriend for the past 20 years, but not married him if it would be cheating if she and her live in had an argument that lasted for a few months, and then she threw him out, and he had sex with someone, and then they decided to get back together, would him having had sex be considered cheating..........and she said without a doubt it would. So, I apologized for my origional judgement, and told you that he had cheated.

 

Then as you kept posting, I felt again that you should just get over it, and take him back, since you want it soooooooo badly.

 

Then I asked my mom, and she said to just give it up, it's too much water under the bridge...find someone good, and take up with them. Besides my mom, you seem to not be letting this go at all. After all of the advice given, you still haven't figured out what you think you want to do. I'll post a problem, and end up feeling confident about what I'm going to do at the end of the discussion....but you haven't let up an inch.

 

You are so hung up on this, that I think you need to just let this poor guy go!!! You are obviously going to hold this against him until he dies, or dumps you, so just end it now.

 

Or better yet, just tell us what you want to hear, and we'll write it, and you can read it, and feel good about the decision that you've already made.

[lucky]

I don't know about the family thing, but as far as the cheating, you were broken up. He probably just shouldn't have told you. You said that he was a good guy otherwise, so if you love him, get over it before he decides it's a lost cause and starts looking for someone else. He isn't going to wait forever...

[ello]

you're right he shouldn't have told me. he should have kept it to himself and never let it happen again. I am just not sure if he could be in love with me and do such a thing. i'll never know what he was thinking. the thing is i can deal with the family, i just don't want to be with someone that i feel that i don't know if they love me. I have actually decided that for now i just need to be left alone, i told him this last week, and it was really hard, because he gets upset. i just don't know how else to deal with this situation. On the weekend i was out with a girlfriend, and he called all night. He is so insecure now and afraid i am going to find a new guy right away. He tries to hide it, but i can tell he gets really jealous, but i do my best to make him feel good. I told him i love him so much, but at this point i don't know how to deal with this situatuion, so i think it's best to split. I am sure this may change in a short time, but i need to get my thoughts together. He cries, and i know he's sad, but what he did was SO stupid. it's just one of those things you can't take back. Please tell me, what would all of you do at this point? I just don't know if i should consider him at all, or move on completely. I remember when i met him, i thought for sure we would be married. I had dated so many guys, and some were serious, some not, but i meet alot of guys and he seemed so perfect for me, i am so afraid of making a mistake. I cry alot.

[lucky]

I know that you hurt, but I can tell you from experience that time heals all wounds. If you do decide to forgive him and get back together, you can't hold it over his head or keep bringing it up, because that would just be opening up old wounds. I think that if he is a good guy otherwise, you should forgive him. Good guys are hard to come by. I've been happily married for almost 14 years, but I have seen my friends go through some awful stuff. It just makes me appreciate my man even more.

Oh, and about his family I would recomend just biting your tongue. Never ask a man to choose between you and his family. If his brother is a jerk, he will figure it out eventually on his own, I know my husband did.

[ello]

butt doesn't this count as "awful stuff" that you mentioned? Would you have stayed with your husband if he did this? I mean isn't one bad thing enough?? I am SO confused. All i know is that i miss him and love him, and i know he feels terrible, but the sight of palm trees still makes me sick. It's so hard to say, i know people do mistakes, no one is perfect all of the time, but should i really forgive this?? I am so torn.

[AprilFool]

Please don't go back to him. PLEASE. Some people could get over this, and live happily with their partners. Some people hold sex with someone else at a higher place of horriblness. Apparently, you feel inside you that he cheated. In your heart, he really did cheat. Logically, he may not have, but in your heart, he did.

 

I don't think you are going to let this go, considering how much you two love and need each other, you are still letting this hang over him.

 

This is just too much. You definately need to move on. Don't take him back; the relationship you had with him a year ago is gone, and the relationship that you have with him now is not good. You are doing the right thing to let him go.

 

I am just not sure if he could be in love with me and do such a thing.

 

um....he's chased you around for how long? Honey, most men would have moved on by now. If a man doesn't love you, he will NOT chase you around for almost a year trying to get you back. So yeah...ol stupid still loves you, but he's stupid..He shouldn't have had sex with someone else while he still loved you. Hopefully, he's learned from this, and his next girlfriend will benifit from your bad experience.

 

Or in an ideal world, you two will meet again in about five years when you've both grown up (meaning you will realize what losers are out there, and how most of them will cheat, and not even care how it hurts you, and when you dump them, they won't ever call again and he'll realize that having sex with someone when you love someone else is very very dumb) and you two will get back together, and appreciate each other, and live happily ever after.

 

Honestly, I think you are being foolish for holding this over him, because a.) you were broke up, and b.) he is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo freakin sorry.

 

However, you can't help how you feel. You can not help what your heart says. To us, what he did is forgivable, considering the circumstances, we think you should take him back. Problem is, it's not up to us, it's up to you, and what you feel is right. You think he cheated. You don't think cheaters deserve another chance. I think you won't ever really forgive and forget. It's over.....find someone else.

[lucky]

What he did does not qualify as awful. You dumped him, he was heartbroken, got drunk and did something stupid, and then came home and confessed, which was really the worst part, because now the burden is on you.

 

Awful is what Hugh Grant did.

 

You asked if I could forgive this. This would not happen to me because I would never break up hastily with my husband. I always think before I speak. Because my father was verbally abusive with me, I learned that once the words are out, you can apologize, but you can't take them back. The damage is done.

[AprilFool]

Good point lucky.....

 

and by the way...what did Hugh Grant do?

[lucky]

Hugh Grant was arrested for engaging in oral s-x in a parked car off of Hollywood Blvd with a prostitute. Elizabeth Hurley was his live in girlfriend at the time. She stayed with him for a while after that. Now THAT is unforgivable!

[AprilFool]

Yuck! Why would a man do that? Hugh Grant could have any woman he wants

[ello]

ok i have decided to brake it off with him. i told him about a week ago that i can't see him anymore, and he is still calling every day, and called on the weekend crying when i was out with friends. i need to get over this if i am going to be with him i miss him SO much but it won't get anywhere if i am so upset all of the time. I know he is afraid that i will get snatched up by another guy right away cause he wants me back, but i just don't know what else to do. Anymore advice or comments are greatly appreciated.

[TheFaithfulWife]

Ello,

I just posted the update on my husbands and my reconciliation. He cheated on me, was planning on taking my children and moving the gf in to take my place. When he finally got his head straightened out he realized what he was losing.

 

I think that your bf in geniunely sorry for his actions.

Our situtation involved our 5 children which was an incentive to forgive him and it has been since April he moved back home, we have gone through months of counseling and our relationship is stronger than it has been in years.

 

What you have to decide is whether your love for him is enough to overcome the pain of his cheating, but what you must also see is that he was in pain and he ran to the other woman for comfort. The fact that he did not continue the relationship with this woman says a whole lot.

I would give him a second chance but this would be his only chance.

 

If you get a chance read my post

Good luck

TheFaithfulWife

[ello]

Well here it is my story, and its still pretty much the same. I have been spending very little time with the ex, although I think that he thinks we will be together again. He still calls, still tries to be with me, yet I just cant seem to let everything go. I am afraid to trust and I am not sure I believe that this should be forgiven. I think the easiest thing to do is move on, but the thing is I do love and miss him. Any more advice at this point would be really appreciated. Any stories of similar situations, etc. Thank you so much guys for all of your advice.

[Phelly]

I don't have experience in this.

 

But it seems to me that you guys were (and still are?) seriously in love.

 

Then he has this one night stand, at a time when he was drunk and miserable.

 

OK... Then you wonder how he can love you and still do this... And that you wish he just didn't tell you about it, as long as it didn't happen again.

 

Me, I wonder not how he can have that one-night-stand (given all of the circumstances) if he loves you, I wonder more how he can regret it for so many months afterward if he does not love you.

 

If he didn't love you, you would not know about it to this day, that's what I think. Because it would not have eaten away at his conscience the way that it did. He sounds to me like a decent guy (in love with you, no less) who made a mistake that he wishes with all of his being that he could take back.

 

I only find it disheartening that in all this time, you've found yourself unable to forgive him. This leads me to question your love for him, not the other way around.

 

But oh well. That's just one guy's opinion.

[ello]

First of all, thank you so much for replying.

 

The thing is you see, I have always believed that once someone cheated, that was the bottom line, for me at least, and it was the end of a relationship. I have never believed that you could do this if you are in love.

 

If I didnt love him as much as I do, there is not even a chance I would think of taking him back. It has been a long time since this has happened, and I dont even know how to fix things, or go on like it never happened. Its almost like it just has to go away, or be forgotten in my mind. But I dont even know if something like this SHOULD be forgiven. I do not want to be a sucker, or in a relationship with someone that doesnt really know what love is all about, or really love me back. And I think that cheating is kinda like proof that someone isnt really in love. But these are just my feelings, I could be totally wrong here in my assumption.

 

The thing is that I dont know which is worse: Living with something I hate (the pain and memory of the cheating) cause it may not ever go away, or living without someone I really love. I am aware that I may find a guy that is even better in my mind, although that is an awfully big chance to take, and I will never really know.

[neptoon]

Something you said rubbed me the wrong way:

Originally posted by ello

I know that I am a good catch and guys are always chasing me. I also saw a photo fo the girl and she was nothing special to look at, and yes it was just once and he only knew her for a day. A drunken one too!

You are assuming that you make a better partner to this guy than this girl does because you "are a good catch". You're also assuming that this girl was no competition for you because (I'm assuming) that you see yourself as more physically attractive.

 

Huge mistake in this assumption. Why? Because, to your bf, at that moment, she was more real.

 

For years, I didn't know how this worked until I stepped into the shoes of the socially less desirable person in the relationship. I was going out with this drop-dead gorgeous man who was very intelligent. He was so gorgeous, he could have put a lot of male models to shame. He was everything that Grimm's fairytale could've ascribed to Prince Charming. At the end, the "perfection" got a little too overwhelming and I fell in love with another man who was more average but more real because he was more real and attainable and I felt secure about investing time and emotional involvement with him.

 

The Prince Charming guy's mother kept saying to me over and over again what a "good catch" he was and I believed he thought so, too. But, throughout his whole life, women did nothing but cheat on him. I didn't cheat on him but I fell out of love with him because I didn't believe I could hold onto him. I didn't want to invest my whole life into a long-term relationship with this man because women gawked at him everywhere we went -- he could literally have any woman he wants ... but the perversity lies in the fact that any woman he gets will realize the same thing and bail out. I wanted a man who was more real. I didn't want to wake up knowing each morning that he could have any woman he wants any time he wants. It left me feeling insecure and powerless.

 

You're assuming that he identifies with his father as a cheater but I beg to differ. I think he's identifying with his mother as the victim of a cheater. And because you "know you are a good catch", you may be giving off those vibes and leaving him more insecure with his identifying with his mother's hurt of having been cheated on. Therefore, he may be seeking the arms of an "average" woman (who may be "nothing special" for you to look at) that he can invest a more long-term emotional commitment, knowing that she does not have the power to cheat on him.

 

I don't have an answer to what you can do about it if you want to fix the relationship. Perhaps be more real to him and drop this frame of mind that you "are a good catch" because it may be that he's picking up on those vibes. If you want to fix the relationship, let him know that you are important to him and make him first in your world.

 

Be careful ... if he has a picture of this woman, you need to ask yourself: does everyone keep pictures of their one-night stands? I don't know many people who do.

 

The other thing is: if you believe that you are a "good catch", your most successful chance at a relationship is where you believe that the other person is equal in the level of "good catchedness" that you are.

 

There is no judgement about you or anyone else here -- it's all a matter of subjective perception.

[ello]

hi again, thanks for ur reply neptune, it was very insightful.

 

I think I may have worded that part wrong when I was talking about mysef (it sound conceited now that I read it actually) But what I meant by being a good catch, was that I am well eduated, and have alot of things going for me such as a career, that I see as a positive thing at such a young age. This is true it may scare him a bit cause he doesnt. Also, I meant that I am very dedicated to the things in my life, including my relationships. I have never cheated, and most people know this about me. I am very loyal which I think is an attribute that guys have always really liked about me. As for looks, I am no supermodel by any means. But I didnt see what he saw in her at all, and he claims he didnt either.

 

To me, I wouldnt throw away my relationship with him for some guy I met for a day, while drunk, that had no job, and didnt find particularly attracive. I just dont get it. But one thing that he did say, was that she liked to party, which is probably the difference here. I do like to go out once and awhile, (maybe every second weekend, maybe more) however, the bar is not where I spend all of my free time. I always thought that was a positive thing as well, but I guess not. Maybe it makes me dull. This happened at a time where I was unable to go out and get loaded all of the time too, cause I was busy finishing up the school year. This is a very busy time as I would spend sometimes 12-14 hour days at school, or on homework.

 

The photos he had were vacation photos, taken while on the trip, she was in one of them. He did throw this away, along with their phone numbers (the friends) But yes, I dont understand why he had them to begin with. He has told me that it was stupid, and actually, this girl had ended up telling him she was MARRIED the day after they slept together. Her hubby was away in the middle East as he is in the US Army. I think that just about sums up the type of girl she is. And I dont know if he realized it at that point or earlier, or if he never realized it at all. He just says that what he did was incredibly stupid.

 

Please Help! More opinions, or advice would be great.

[Same Situation]

Since you obviously love each other, and since you want to get passed it, my suggestion to you is (and this only goes if there is not a pattern of cheating) to make it a point to view him in the human being capacity, one who has as many emoitons, as many ups and downs as you, and who is capable of many mistakes just like the next person, and not view him in the stereotypical boyfriend capacity who society strings up by the balls if he takes one step out of line. Honestly, taking society's expectations into perspective, NO MAN could succeed at being that perfect standard.

 

It sounds weird, but it's all about awareness. The more aware you are of what's going on inside the people around you, the more you're able to relax and take your relationships for what they really are instead of what perceved standards pressure them to be.

 

If you sort of detach yourself from the "girlfriend" role, and detach him from the "boyfriend" role, completely ignore the idea of romantic possession or belonging, and just see you both as two good, capable-of-love individuals trying to maintain your connection in a crazy, unperfect world, a lot of the personal insult and injury of all kinds of various relationship issues, including him sleeping with this other person while you were on a break, will dissipate. You'll both benefit from the decreased pressure and your relationship will really have the chance to blossom into something better than you've ever had before.

 

Good luck!

[ello]

Another thing is that since this happened we have both been going out alot without each other (clubs, etc) and if we were to get back together, at this point I am not really comfortable with it. Is this wrong??