Getting Along with a Competitive Mother

[cashew]

How do you do it?

 

I've learned that it's easiest for me to keep my distance. I don't visit her often and talk to her on the phone occaisionally. If I spend too much time with her, she'll start making hateful comments.

 

My mom's always favored my sister. I know because she told me. She loves to talk about how much they look alike and is very pleased that she's always wanted to "follow in her footsteps" professionally.

 

Compared to my sister, my mom tells me I don't "care about her." My sister spends more time at home and talks to her everyday on the phone. If my mom liked me, treated me well, and bought me designer bags (thousands of dollars a pop) I think I would too!

 

All of her ex-boyfriends have at some point "joked" that she competes with me and my sister. Just the other day she said, "We ALL have men now." When I met my bf (she was single) she couldn't stop hating. Now she wants to know all about him!

 

I'm not asking how to get her to change. I'm asking how can I get along with her better.

 

Thanks in advance!

[Sharla]

My mom's not competitive, but in dealing with these situations, what's worked for me is I have to semi-zone her out because if I were too listen to her for too long and too in depth, my brain starts to feel likes its going to explode.

 

When your mother starts to make hateful comments towards you, you have to tell her in a very firm voice, to not go there. And you have to keep repeating yourself and be consistent with it.

 

Its helped with me and my own mother and she lets up now when she knows she is being too overbearing with me/towards me.

[quankanne]

keep your expectations low that she's ever going to change, because that kind of behavior is deep-grained, unfortunately.

 

if it helps to keep your sanity in check, keep your contact limited with her. Definitely let her know that you love her, but that you're not gonna put up with any BS from her, you know? Almost like dealing with a willful child ... you've got to be the grown-up setting the pace, not the willful child.

 

meanwhile DO NOT feel guilty about stepping back from this toxic relationship. Your sanity is your primary concern. If your mom (or whoever it is that's subjecting you to this kind of behavior) is truly upset or worried about things, SHE will make the necessary adjustments to keep the relationship flowing smoothly. The burden isn't necessarily all on you. The most you are asked to do is treat her with respect, and show your love if you still care about her – not put yourself up as some kind of whipping boy for that person.

[HeyThere]

My mom's not competitive, but in dealing with these situations, what's worked for me is I have to semi-zone her out because if I were too listen to her for too long and too in depth, my brain starts to feel likes its going to explode.

 

When your mother starts to make hateful comments towards you, you have to tell her in a very firm voice, to not go there. And you have to keep repeating yourself and be consistent with it.

 

Its helped with me and my own mother and she lets up now when she knows she is being too overbearing with me/towards me.

 

keep your expectations low that she's ever going to change, because that kind of behavior is deep-grained, unfortunately.

 

if it helps to keep your sanity in check, keep your contact limited with her. Definitely let her know that you love her, but that you're not gonna put up with any BS from her, you know? Almost like dealing with a willful child ... you've got to be the grown-up setting the pace, not the willful child.

 

meanwhile DO NOT feel guilty about stepping back from this toxic relationship. Your sanity is your primary concern. If your mom (or whoever it is that's subjecting you to this kind of behavior) is truly upset or worried about things, SHE will make the necessary adjustments to keep the relationship flowing smoothly. The burden isn't necessarily all on you. The most you are asked to do is treat her with respect, and show your love if you still care about her – not put yourself up as some kind of whipping boy for that person.

 

Great advice in this thread, continue to add distance and separation; recognize that these are problems that are deep rooted and will continue.

[threebyfate]

In order for a competition to happen, it takes two or more individuals to compete. What I've noticed is that people who accuse others of being competitive, tend to also be competitive themselves.

 

Best thing to do is to step back from the competition. Don't let her get to you and realize this is her issue.

[cashew]

Threebyfate, that's a very interesting observation. Could you please elaborate? I'm very curious as to how I could be responsible for any of my mother's words or actions.

 

Her xbfs (not me!) noticed that she competes with me and my sister. She's constantly dieting to weigh as much as we do. She is always buying the trendiest clothing, makeup, and music to "keep up with us young ones." On why she's been single for so long, she said, "It's easy to find a white guy. I don't want one." My bf's white. I'm black. I hadn't said anything about my bf during that conversation. Where did that dig come from?

 

Do I feel I compete with my mother? Absolutely not. Do I try to prove her wrong? (about my character, who I am, what I'm capable of etc.) Yes, I do, on occasion. Is this is the "competition" you're speaking of?

Edited February 17, 2010 by cashew

[HeyThere]

If a parent feels the need to compete with their children because of insecurities and other issues that creates undue stress on the relationship. Competition can be very harmful within a family environment.

 

Create boundaries by not discussing private issues, not blaming or being blamed (labeled) by them. If they cross a boundary then immediately call them on it. I don’t announce these boundaries with my birth family. My parents are apart of me however, I need to love and protect myself more so. This has been difficult for me to navigate these waters and I hear your frustration as well. (paragraph used in other posts)

[cashew]

If a parent feels the need to compete with their children because of insecurities and other issues that creates undue stress on the relationship. Competition can be very harmful within a family environment.

 

Create boundaries by not discussing private issues, not blaming or being blamed (labeled) by them. If they cross a boundary then immediately call them on it. I don’t announce these boundaries with my birth family. My parents are apart of me however, I need to love and protect myself more so. This has been difficult for me to navigate these waters and I hear your frustration as well. (paragraph used in other posts)

 

HeyThere, Sharla, and Quankanne, how do I call my mom on her boundary crossing without hearing some variation of,

 

"Are you talking back to me?"

 

"You think you're in charge?"

 

"Remember who pays the bills!"

 

etc.

[HeyThere]

 

"Are you talking back to me?"

 

"You think you're in charge?"

 

"Remember who pays the bills!"

 

etc.

 

 

You need to be more specific about these comments - use them in context.

[cashew]

You need to be more specific about these comments - use them in context.

 

The comments were in response to my redirection of conversations. During conversations about my needing her help (of any kind), she'll say,

 

"Why don't you ask your bf?"

 

I'll say,

 

"Mom, my bf has nothing to do with my needing your help."

 

Then she'll make those comments I listed in the other post. Sometimes she'll make these comments:

 

"If he knew you spoke to me this way he wouldn't want you. You're lucky I haven't exposed you."

 

My mom is very reluctant to help me in any way. She'll pick a fight and then tell me she won't talk to me until I "remember who I'm speaking to."

 

Even when I was a young girl living at home she'd say,

 

"You always take, take, take. Well, who's going to help me?"

 

"What have you done for me?"

 

Now, when I call her or spend time with her she says it's only because I'm getting ready to ask her for help. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

[Sharla]

HeyThere, Sharla, and Quankanne, how do I call my mom on her boundary crossing without hearing some variation of,

 

"Are you talking back to me?"

 

"You think you're in charge?"

 

"Remember who pays the bills!"

 

etc.

 

Hi Cashew,

 

Well your situation is a bit different because while my mother can be very nitpicky with me, all-in-all, she is still a good mother in MANY ways and I know its not intentional. But prior to that, at one point, I distanced myself from her to the point where I hated talking to her so I didn't really share much with her, because I didn't know how to anymore. We worked it out together, but it took a couple years before things got better.

 

What your mother is doing, is not cool. She's basically saying she can treat you however she wants to, because she's in charge (i.e. "remember who pays the bills"). It sounds like your mother is still at an adolescent stage, at which point you now have to become the parent. It's actually pretty common with mother-daughter relationships, so you may want to read up on some articles about it, they might be helpful to you.

[cashew]

The comments were in response to my redirection of conversations. During conversations about my needing her help (of any kind), she'll say,

 

"Why don't you ask your bf?"

 

I'll say,

 

"Mom, my bf has nothing to do with my needing your help."

 

Then she'll make those comments I listed in the other post. Sometimes she'll make these comments:

 

"If he knew you spoke to me this way he wouldn't want you. You're lucky I haven't exposed you."

 

My mom is very reluctant to help me in any way. She'll pick a fight and then tell me she won't talk to me until I "remember who I'm speaking to."

 

Even when I was a young girl living at home she'd say,

 

"You always take, take, take. Well, who's going to help me?"

 

"What have you done for me?"

 

Now, when I call her or spend time with her she says it's only because I'm getting ready to ask her for help. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

Just wanted to add that my mom has attempted to "expose me." Once she asked me, my brother, and my bf if we wanted to eat take-out now or later. I said, "Let's eat now." (Lol, why do I even talk anymore?) She said, "Well I knew what you wanted to do. You so ****ing selfish. You're always thinking about yourself and your stomach."

[cashew]

Hi Cashew,

 

Well your situation is a bit different because while my mother can be very nitpicky with me, all-in-all, she is still a good mother in MANY ways and I know its not intentional. But prior to that, at one point, I distanced myself from her to the point where I hated talking to her so I didn't really share much with her, because I didn't know how to anymore. We worked it out together, but it took a couple years before things got better.

 

What your mother is doing, is not cool. She's basically saying she can treat you however she wants to, because she's in charge (i.e. "remember who pays the bills"). It sounds like your mother is still at an adolescent stage, at which point you now have to become the parent. It's actually pretty common with mother-daughter relationships, so you may want to read up on some articles about it, they might be helpful to you.

 

I'm glad you could work things out with your mom.

 

A friend has remarked that I'm the parent. My mom will call me (if my sister isn't free) and talk about her dating life for hours at a time. Once, my friend was over during one of these conversations and she said, "Cashew, you're like the MOM!!!" Our situation is inappropriate!

[Sharla]

I'm glad you could work things out with your mom.

 

A friend has remarked that I'm the parent. My mom will call me (if my sister isn't free) and talk about her dating life for hours at a time. Once, my friend was over during one of these conversations and she said, "Cashew, you're like the MOM!!!" Our situation is inappropriate!

 

My mom did that (talked about her dating life) when I was 13-14 after my parents divorced, and it really affected me and drove a huge wedge between us. Parents don't realize how damaging certain things can be, but I don't envy them because it must be extremely difficult being a parent and they're not perfect, but as kids in our eyes, they are or at least they're supposed to be.

 

I hope it works out for you too!

[HeyThere]

It not just a mother daughter issue, because if all parents (my parents included) were manipulative, narcissistic, arrogant…our planet would be in a s**t load of trouble.

 

So to answer your question, respond to a prickly statement with kindness; "Are you talking back to me?" Mom, I’m simply asking for advice; thanks just the same, we’ll talk another time, I Need to get some fresh air. Then you calmly walk away. Something to that effect.

[threebyfate]

Threebyfate, that's a very interesting observation. Could you please elaborate? I'm very curious as to how I could be responsible for any of my mother's words or actions.

You're not responsible for her words and actions but you are responsible for how you react to them.

 

Her xbfs (not me!) noticed that she competes with me and my sister. She's constantly dieting to weigh as much as we do. She is always buying the trendiest clothing, makeup, and music to "keep up with us young ones." On why she's been single for so long, she said, "It's easy to find a white guy. I don't want one." My bf's white. I'm black. I hadn't said anything about my bf during that conversation. Where did that dig come from?

Your mother is single and aging, so it sounds like she's feeling her age. Is this so wrong? For that matter, is it so wrong for her to want to look good and dress well? IF it suits her to be "hip", then it's all good, isn't it? Don't you wish her well?

Do I feel I compete with my mother? Absolutely not. Do I try to prove her wrong? (about my character, who I am, what I'm capable of etc.) Yes, I do, on occasion. Is this is the "competition" you're speaking of?

Proving yourself to anyone is a losing proposition. It's a power play by the other individual and a waste of time for you.

 

As for the competition aspect, if you look at my previous paragraph with all those questions, yes, you do compete with her.

[cashew]

You're not responsible for her words and actions but you are responsible for how you react to them.

 

Your mother is single and aging, so it sounds like she's feeling her age. Is this so wrong? For that matter, is it so wrong for her to want to look good and dress well? IF it suits her to be "hip", then it's all good, isn't it? Don't you wish her well?

Proving yourself to anyone is a losing proposition. It's a power play by the other individual and a waste of time for you.

 

As for the competition aspect, if you look at my previous paragraph with all those questions, yes, you do compete with her.

 

I'm lost. So, it's obvious that I compete with my mom because I don't like her reaction to "feeling her age," (I would think being in her 60s she would have accepted aging a long time ago.) I think it's wrong for a woman her age to say, "Oh mi God!" all of the time, blast Lil' Wayne in her car , and wear clothing teenagers wear. (Tight, tight leggings...)

 

This is the first time anyone's told me I compete with my mom. I make every effort to be nothing like her so I need you to point this out so I can change! Thank you so much.

Edited February 17, 2010 by cashew

[threebyfate]

I'm lost. So, it's obvious that I compete with my mom because I don't like her reaction to "feeling her age," (I would think being in her 60s she would have accepted aging a long time ago.) I think it's wrong for a woman her age to say, "Oh mi God!" all of the time, blast Lil' Wayne in her car , and wear clothing teenagers wear. (Tight, tight leggings...)

I don't disagree with you that your mother should have accepted her aging but you're not taking into account that she's single, so she's still trying to attract men. That her methodology isn't what either you or I would do as we age, in that it sounds cringe-worthy even looking at it from the perspective of age-appropriateness, doesn't mean it's not okay for her to be this way. We can't control other people but we can control how we react to them.

 

As long as her competitiveness doesn't impact on you, in that she's not hitting on your b/fs, it sounds like a little validation from you, might help. Perhaps if you compliment her on something that honestly suits her and stay away from commenting on anything that doesn't, maybe she can learn a sense of...errr....style. Perhaps old dogs can learn new tricks and maybe it's not too late to change the dynamics between the two of you.

 

This is the first time anyone's told me I compete with my mom. I make every effort to be nothing like her so I need you to point this out so I can change! Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Whether she ever changes or not, you can change so that's great that you want to be different. It must be difficult to handle someone like your mother and one way is the avenue that you've taken, to never be like her.