Would this be considered needy?

[pandagirl]

My boyfriend has only been away for a week! As expected, sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard. I'm trying to figure out everything still.

 

One thing is, I need to talk to him every day. Just a quick 5 minute phone is all it takes for me; I just want to hear his voice and connect with him.

 

There have been days where we haven't talked and it's really upset me, made me feel insecure, doubted his feelings for me, etc. However, I haven't told him that it's important to me for this to happen.

 

We never discussed what our communication needs are, so I should tell him this, right? But I also don't want to come off as needy or insecure.

 

How did you others deal with these kinds of issues?

[alphamale]

you shouldn't need to talk every day

[pandagirl]

you shouldn't need to talk every day

 

Really? Even in a LDR? I'm not talking about hour long conversations, just a quick check-in.

 

I do realize he may not have the need to talk every day though.

[Art_Critic]

2 things...

 

One... you need to just communicate on each others needs.. express yours and let him express his and I'm sure he will meet your needs..

 

Two.. you need to grow some thicker skin Panda.. a LDR is something that requires it in order to grow and work.

 

Work on letting it go...

[alphamale]

Really? Even in a LDR?

yes even in an ldr

[pandagirl]

2 things...

 

One... you need to just communicate on each others needs.. express yours and let him express his and I'm sure he will meet your needs..

 

Two.. you need to grow some thicker skin Panda.. a LDR is something that requires it in order to grow and work.

 

Work on letting it go...

 

We communicate pretty well. I told him that it's going to take time for me to figure out what works and doesn't work for me in a LDR, and he just made me promise that I communicate with him whenever I feel worried or upset. That being said, I also need to know the difference between having legitimate concerns and being irrationally needy.

 

My boyfriend knows my tendency to worry. He's seen it ever since we first started dating. I was hesitant to get involved with him because I was afraid of getting hurt. And what he'd say to me was: "I wish your focus wasn't always on failure." He's kind of the opposite of me, which can be great.

[Meaplus3]

2 things...

 

One... you need to just communicate on each others needs.. express yours and let him express his and I'm sure he will meet your needs..

 

Two.. you need to grow some thicker skin Panda.. a LDR is something that requires it in order to grow and work.

 

Work on letting it go...

 

I very much agree with all A_C said here.. he made great points.

 

I'll add that while this is probably a tough type of R to deal with, if both your hearts are in it.. I'm sure it can work. Trust.. is something you will need to really need to focus on here. Good luck to you.

 

Mea:)

[SuburbanOblivion]

As someone who is *actually in* a LDR(*ahem* above posters)..there is nothing wrong with wanting daily phone calls. I would bet most of the long-term LDR'ers here talk to their SO's daily, and for far longer than 5 minutes.

[pandagirl]

I very much agree with all A_C said here.. he made great points.

 

I'll add that while this is probably a tough type of R to deal with, if both your hearts are in it.. I'm sure it can work. Trust.. is something you will need to really need to focus on here. Good luck to you.

 

Mea:)

 

Trust! Yes. He seems to trust me very much...and I'm not quite up to his level yet. Working on it.

[alphamale]

people who need that much contact shouldn't be in LDRs in the first place. it doesn't make any sense

[pandagirl]

people who need that much contact shouldn't be in LDRs in the first place. it doesn't make any sense

 

Talking to your SO every day doesn't mean you're needy!

[SuburbanOblivion]

people who need that much contact shouldn't be in LDRs in the first place. it doesn't make any sense

 

 

When all you have is communication, it's important to have it often.

[Mei Mei]

Nobody should take things for granted in a real and committed relationship. Communication is crucial to make it work and for developing trust that robusts the relationship. The type of communication can be as simple as a short call, a sms or an email , or to go online. But give in some regularity to communication would surely help both to feel happy and secure, especially in LDR when the two are very far away.:bunny:

 

Nevertheless, I agree that one who engage in LDR should have thicker skin to bear some loneliness and insecure circumstances.

[Els]

Of course you should talk to him about it. If he thinks it makes you 'needy' to want to hear from him everyday, I honestly don't think he's LDR material.

 

As someone who is also actually in an LDR, I usually do get daily contact, barring unusual circumstances or very very busy phases. But at least 99% of the time, there's at least one phone call. Most of the time, more than that.

[Meaplus3]

Trust! Yes. He seems to trust me very much...and I'm not quite up to his level yet. Working on it.

 

Good for you. Keep working on this.. and you will see how you'll become much more relaxed by the distance that seperates you. Keep busy, and don't sit around waiting for a call from him. If you miss a day of contact so be it. You can manage this.

 

Mea:)

[pandagirl]

 

I think if you announce to him that you need to talk to him over the phone every single day, and he doesn't think that level of communication is necessary, then he could think you are needy and clingy. In short, it depends on him and the relationship.

 

Yes, I need to know what his needs are -- they may be less than mine. I will tell him how I feel, and we can compromise on how much communication we both need in this LDR.

 

For instance, I would like several texts throughout the day, however it is 3pm here and I haven't heard from him. I immediately think, 'He's not into me,' though I know that is irrational and just my insecurities coming out.

[hoping2heal]

My boyfriend has only been away for a week! As expected, sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard. I'm trying to figure out everything still.

 

One thing is, I need to talk to him every day. Just a quick 5 minute phone is all it takes for me; I just want to hear his voice and connect with him.

 

There have been days where we haven't talked and it's really upset me, made me feel insecure, doubted his feelings for me, etc. However, I haven't told him that it's important to me for this to happen.

 

We never discussed what our communication needs are, so I should tell him this, right? But I also don't want to come off as needy or insecure.

 

How did you others deal with these kinds of issues?

 

My partner and I talk pretty much every day. Sometimes it really is only that five minutes- but I feel the same way. I need to connect with him. He knows that- I don't play it off- I am honest about it. As for being needy? I don't think that makes me needy in the slightest. I honestly never understood people who aren't in regular contact in their relationships - one of my cousins has been with a guy for 2 years - and maybe 3 out of 7 days a week they have contact. Oh and they are NOT even LDR- Well maybe it's different strokes for different folks but I don't think being able to actually enjoy someone on a daily basis should be looked at as a negative thing.

 

That said, sure there are those who really ARE needy. They plan their whole lives around that contact- and they aren't happy and enjoying themselves unless their so is involved. They are dependant on their S.O to distract them from the emptiness in their lives - and that is altogether a different thing.

 

I mean, you might marry a person someday - but you are supposed to feel like "you shouldn't have to talk to them everyday" what kind of bull**** message is that? No, you can absolutely, positively love spending time EVERY day with your s/o and STILL have plenty of other things going on and find enjoyment in other things just because they aren't there or on the phone with you. So, be honest and speak up about your needs or you won't get them met and you won't be happy.

[Wallace1]

About 4 years ago, I was in an LDR after graduating college while she was still there. We talked everyday for a LONG time after having been together about 18 months. However, she suddenly was upset at me all the time for no reason, and despite me visiting constantly, she ended up breaking it off for another guy 1 year into the LDR (during her final semester).

 

It dawned on my after a lengthy period of time that the underlying reason was probably that we were so attached in the first place. Both of us being so eager to stay in touch eventually transformed into a feeling of neglect despite neither of us really doing anything wrong.

 

I came to realize that if you're the type where "your bond is so strong that nothing could break it," you're more likely to see an extended LDR fizzle simply because both parties will be unable to stand depriving themselves of intimacy.

[Finissima]

I am in an LDR and we DON'T talk on the phone every day...but only because we text soooo much during the day (this has always been our style, even in the first 6 months when we were not long distance) that we find there is not enough to talk about to warrant a nightly phone call...if we have nightly phone calls, the lack of things to say tends to make us grumpy. But, we talk every few days and find this works for us both.

 

But talking every day does not make you needy - if that is what you need to make the relationship work, I don't see a 5 minute phone call every day as a problem! Hopefully your SO won't find this either.

 

I wouldn't worry so much...if you are both committed, you will find a LDR style that works for you both...whether this is the 5 minute nightly convos, or if you find you develop into a once every other night longer convo style. But for you both to be happy and secure in the relationship, you need to express to each other what you need. Just come to him with it in a positive sense, not a negative "I am so worried about us I need to talk to you every day" type way.

[pandagirl]

I am in an LDR and we DON'T talk on the phone every day...but only because we text soooo much during the day (this has always been our style, even in the first 6 months when we were not long distance) that we find there is not enough to talk about to warrant a nightly phone call...if we have nightly phone calls, the lack of things to say tends to make us grumpy. But, we talk every few days and find this works for us both.

 

But talking every day does not make you needy - if that is what you need to make the relationship work, I don't see a 5 minute phone call every day as a problem! Hopefully your SO won't find this either.

 

I wouldn't worry so much...if you are both committed, you will find a LDR style that works for you both...whether this is the 5 minute nightly convos, or if you find you develop into a once every other night longer convo style. But for you both to be happy and secure in the relationship, you need to express to each other what you need. Just come to him with it in a positive sense, not a negative "I am so worried about us I need to talk to you every day" type way.

 

Thanks for your advice!

 

As for talking everyday, I just like hearing his voice. So even if it's a quick "hi/goodnight" sort of thing, it makes me happy, because really -- there isn't much to talk about on a daily basis! haha.

 

I interpret his lack of communication as meaning he is not missing me/thinking about me, which was making me feel insecure. But then the other day, he basically told me how much he missed me and admitted that sometime he listens to my voicemails before he goes to bed so he can hear my voice. My reaction was, "Why don't you just CALL me instead!?" haha.

 

So, yes, some things were cleared up. I now know that even if he doesn't say every day "i miss you," it doesn't mean he doesn't.

 

This is both our first LDR, so we're figuring it all out. We had only been dating two months before he left, which worried me...but strangely, the distance is making me feel closer to him.

[Ashbash11]

Ok. I've been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half, with a 3,000 mile distance. I have a need to talk everyday in some form (email, phone, etc..) and my boyfriend wants to talk every other day or so. BUT, we discussed it and worked it out so that we talk about every other day. There is nothing WRONG with needing to connect daily. Everyone has different needs, and there's no reason to make the OP feel bad about having this need. Also, the poster who said that you shouldn't be in a LDR in the first place if you need to connect daily is wrong, IMO. When you are in a long distance relationship, the phone is usually ALL YOU HAVE.. your relationship becomes dependent on the daily communication. In order to grow with each other and stay connected, regular communication is necessary. Argh..

[Star Gazer]

When all you have is communication, it's important to have it often.

 

Having been in more than one LDR, I agree completely.

 

In a LDR, ALL YOU HAVE is that phone contact - so it's important to have it often, and IMO if you can afford the phone bill, daily calls are perfectly reasonable.

[nowomanocry]

It's all about rhythm & harmony... You being as one, even if it is an LDR, it does not matter.. When was with my ex (LDR) (btw I'm Turkish and she's English) we had couple of phone convos each day with each otha and happened all natural wheneva we had time and wanted to hear each otha's voice... So when we rang the other party was jumpin on the phone to get the call. We also used to drop-call each other just for fun - each buzz signified "I love you" I know it sounds weird and I looked like a weirdo when I got those buzzez while I was in a meeting etc. sometimes consecutive 3-4 in a row lol

 

So don't worry bout it, just go with the flow and see how your bloke reacts... It is like dancin' together, like making love to each other, like being a couple - but this should be all natural not forced (lol)

 

Good luck

Edited February 24, 2010 by nowomanocry