Emotional Hell

[Meaplus3]

I'll make sure to close all the blinds though... My neighbors don't deserve to be punished that way.

 

I get to babysit the kitten while they're gone too.

 

Ok then. The kitten should keep you company. Really TR, take this time to take a real good hard look at this situation. I'd like to see you make peace with it.. and be able to move forward in a healthy fashion. Be good now.

 

Mea:)

[TRaczaj]

Ok then. The kitten should keep you company. Really TR, take this time to take a real good hard look at this situation. I'd like to see you make peace with it.. and be able to move forward in a healthy fashion. Be good now.

 

Mea:)

 

Problem is I don't know how to move forward in a healthy fashion. I don't know what's healthy in all this. I just keep thinking no matter what someone will be hurt in the end... most likely me. I am kicking myself mentally for getting myself into this, really I am.

 

I don't know how to move forward, but maybe that's something I'll figure out during my week alone.

[Meaplus3]

Problem is I don't know how to move forward in a healthy fashion. I don't know what's healthy in all this. I just keep thinking no matter what someone will be hurt in the end... most likely me. I am kicking myself mentally for getting myself into this, really I am.

 

There is NOTHING healthy in any of this.. and YOU are the one that will get hurt. She is with your friend by choice, that means she is off limits to you. The more you pine after her... the worse this will get. You need to find a way in your mind to except the facts. She is taken.. and that is that. How about a hobby? Anything to distract yourself from the thoughts of her??

 

I don't know how to move forward, but maybe that's something I'll figure out during my week alone.

 

Think about what I said above. Do take this week to figure it out so you can move on. You can do this.

 

Mea:)

[TRaczaj]

There is NOTHING healthy in any of this.. and YOU are the one that will get hurt. She is with your friend by choice, that means she is off limits to you. The more you pine after her... the worse this will get. You need to find a way in your mind to except the facts. She is taken.. and that is that. How about a hobby? Anything to distract yourself from the thoughts of her??

 

Think about what I said above. Do take this week to figure it out so you can move on. You can do this.

 

Mea:)

 

I feel like I'm being scolded reading this. I know this situation isn't healthy. What I don't know is the healthy way to deal with it. Different coping methods work for different people. I am just having a hard time finding mine.

[TRaczaj]

I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping tonight... I don't know why. It usually comes easy.

[Meaplus3]

I feel like I'm being scolded reading this. I know this situation isn't healthy. What I don't know is the healthy way to deal with it. Different coping methods work for different people. I am just having a hard time finding mine.

 

I am just giving you my very honest OP of my take on this scenerio. Now, I will share something with you. A couple of years back.. well, I guess even a little longer than that now, I myself was in a situation where I fell for another womans husband.. he was my nextdoor neighbor. It started out as a friendship.. and then lead into an emotional affair. I spent over 18 heart breaking months pinning after a man who was not mine to take. The end result.. a huge waste of time.. and a whole lot of hurt. So, you see what good came out of it? Nothing! Except I know better now then to chase after another womans man! Now, how did I cope? I posted here, got myself to therapy, kept busy with other things in life that kept my mind off things.. and removed myself from situations where I would have to be around him. The EA ended and within in time, it was behind me. So, you see? It can be done. You need to be strong, and have some will power to forget about her. Really TR, I don't want to see you get hurt. You are at a point where you can save yourself from that. Please take my word to heart here. As for the lack of sleeping.. well this is probably all weighing on your mind.

 

Mea:)

[TRaczaj]

I don't want to completely forget about her. She is a part of my life, appropriately or not. To forget about her I would also have to forget about my friend. I'm wondering if there is any way I can ever have a 'normal' friendship with her again like I had before. But the more I think about that I realize there's never been a time when I didn't have some feelings for her. Even if it was just a little crush like back when we worked together.

 

The night she hooked up with my friend was the pivotal point that could have changed everything. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

 

As for keeping busy, I am a busy person, believe it or not. I rarely have days where I do nothing. Something is always going on...

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Ok, I've read the entire thread. And here's my take.

 

First, I absolutely believe that you care about your friendship with him and that you don't want to lose it. But let's be realistic here: you'd toss his friendship quicker than a dirty sock to get to her. If the friendship with him mattered as much as you claim it does, you'd have already moved out. And I get why you're saying it; you don't want to be and can't see yourself as "that guy." But, you would jump right into the role of "that guy" if she gave you the green light. You wrote "I don't want to forget about her." Well, that pretty much sums up what your priority is and what you're (not) going to do in this case.

 

Secondly, you are coming up with excuse after excuse to stay right where you are. Secretly, you hope she likes you and wants to be with you. The reason why you are waiting until he gets a job isn't purely out of selflessness and to help out with the finances; it's because you'll get to spend more time with her when he's at work again. Right? You aren't just going to move out as soon as he gets a job - you're going to stay put because you'll get more of her time. It's not your responsibility to help feed and provide heat for them, but you've convinced yourself they need you as though they're dependent children, in part, so that you can stay around longer and see if this will play out how you hope it will. And in the meantime you can justify it and see your actions as noble when, in fact, your motivations are actually very selfish and self-serving.

 

I'm sure you feel your situation and feelings are different and unique, but that's how we ALL feel, particularly when we are making bad decisions for ourselves. You already know what the smart and healthy thing to do is: Move out, let them sink or swim financially as all adults must, break your co-dependency from them, conquer your "I suck at girl-getting" fears and work at moving on. And, this way, you get to keep the friendship with him, at least. But you're trying so hard to engineer what you WANT into "the right thing to do" when it clearly isn't. But you're so clouded by your feelings for her that you're going to end up losing it all.

 

Don't assign yourself the label of "that guy." That's the kind of stuff that'll creep into your thoughts when you go to bed at night for the next 40 years, long after they've both disappeared from your life.

 

Good luck, man.

Edited March 11, 2010 by CrestfallenNoMore

[Meaplus3]

I don't want to completely forget about her. She is a part of my life, appropriately or not. To forget about her I would also have to forget about my friend. I'm wondering if there is any way I can ever have a 'normal' friendship with her again like I had before. But the more I think about that I realize there's never been a time when I didn't have some feelings for her. Even if it was just a little crush like back when we worked together.

 

The night she hooked up with my friend was the pivotal point that could have changed everything. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

 

As for keeping busy, I am a busy person, believe it or not. I rarely have days where I do nothing. Something is always going on...

 

I realize that you don't wish to foeget her TR, but if you have feelings for her.. and she does not have the same feelings for you.. don't you see how very hurt you could be? As to remaining friends, sure if there are no sexual feeling between the two of you.. then I bet you could be friends.. but it sounds to me like that is not the case here. Really.. moving out and on with your life.. and having limited contact with the two of them as a couple is probably your best bet. Hang in there.

 

Mea:)

[TRaczaj]

Long story short, this trip they were going on has been canceled. It wasn't by their choice. It was their friend's decision. He was paying their air fair to go down there and he had an unexpected expense come up out of nowhere. They still plan on going, but it won't be any time time soon.

 

Now what the hell am I going to do? I wonder...

[Meaplus3]

Long story short, this trip they were going on has been canceled. It wasn't by their choice. It was their friend's decision. He was paying their air fair to go down there and he had an unexpected expense come up out of nowhere. They still plan on going, but it won't be any time time soon.

 

Now what the hell am I going to do? I wonder...

 

Hey my pal TR.. I've been thinking of you. Gosh! That's not good that they are skipping the trip. This was your chance to have alone time to figure this out. Any chance that you can get away for a few days.. in order to seperate yourself from this situation?

 

Mea:)

[TRaczaj]

Hey my pal TR.. I've been thinking of you. Gosh! That's not good that they are skipping the trip. This was your chance to have alone time to figure this out. Any chance that you can get away for a few days.. in order to seperate yourself from this situation?

 

Mea:)

 

It's just one of those things... They didn't want to skip it. Their friend down there was injured in an ATV accident and even though he has medical insurance it's not covering all of his medical bills. So it's not just the money, it's that he's recovering right now and it's not the best time to have guests in his house.

 

I have an uncle that lives out in the middle of nowhere... I thought about going and staying with him for a few days.

[TRaczaj]

http://theartofattractingwomen.com

 

Your story sounds familiar to something that happened to my friend.

 

My friend knew a girl since the 7th grade and never went out with her obsessing about her. ( he was too much of a nice guy).

 

Yesterday he found out she was pregnant by one of his old buddies from high school. He calls me crying on the phone.

 

Now I hate to be the one to tell you this but You are putting her on a pedestal. You are getting really attached to this girl. If you never went out with her that is even worst dude.

 

Don't obsess about her. Instead you should be doing what she is doing and go out and start meeting girls.

 

If you need help with that then subscribe to my newsletter at http://theartofattractingwomen.com

 

I hate seeing guys go through **** like that which is why I made this website.

 

Nice marketing pitch...

[Meaplus3]

 

I have an uncle that lives out in the middle of nowhere... I thought about going and staying with him for a few days.

 

This would be good for you TR. I say you go for it. Take the break you need and clear your head.

 

Mea:)

[TRaczaj]

Ok, I've read the entire thread. And here's my take.

 

First, I absolutely believe that you care about your friendship with him and that you don't want to lose it. But let's be realistic here: you'd toss his friendship quicker than a dirty sock to get to her. If the friendship with him mattered as much as you claim it does, you'd have already moved out. And I get why you're saying it; you don't want to be and can't see yourself as "that guy." But, you would jump right into the role of "that guy" if she gave you the green light. You wrote "I don't want to forget about her." Well, that pretty much sums up what your priority is and what you're (not) going to do in this case.

 

This made me think a lot... How would I handle it if she told me she had feelings for me? Well sadly, you're right. I hate admitting that, but I'm only human. I don't think I could fight acting on these feelings if I knew they were mutual. I know, if nothing else she at least has a sexual attraction to me. I know this because she's been completely into it the two times we've messed around.

 

That's not to say I have no conscience though. I don't think I could fight it, but I would still feel terrible about what I am doing to my friend. I've even wondered if her allure comes with being off limits. In otherwards would I still feel the same way if she was single and there was no "forbidden fruit" mystique attached to her. I liked her a long time ago... but things were different then.

 

I have thought a long time about this... but I think it's a safe guess that she doesn't feel the same way about me (other then the sexual feelings mentioned above.) Because she knows how I feel about her. And if she felt the same way who says she could fight it either? I think if she felt the same way it would have been obvious by now.

 

Secondly, you are coming up with excuse after excuse to stay right where you are. Secretly, you hope she likes you and wants to be with you. The reason why you are waiting until he gets a job isn't purely out of selflessness and to help out with the finances; it's because you'll get to spend more time with her when he's at work again. Right? You aren't just going to move out as soon as he gets a job - you're going to stay put because you'll get more of her time. It's not your responsibility to help feed and provide heat for them, but you've convinced yourself they need you as though they're dependent children, in part, so that you can stay around longer and see if this will play out how you hope it will. And in the meantime you can justify it and see your actions as noble when, in fact, your motivations are actually very selfish and self-serving.

 

This I have some problems with... It never even crossed my mind until reading your post that I might see her more if when he gets another job. I know you'll probably think I'm talking out my ass here, but I'm not. Honestly that never even occurred to me. I really am staying to help with the finances right now. And there are other practicalities here that I haven't even mentioned yet. For one, my name is on the lease, and the lease won't be up for renewal until January. So, I break the lease now and I have to pay a penalty. I've started putting money aside out of every paycheck for the first month/last month/security deposit I will have to pay when I find a new place. And I've factored the penalty I'll have to pay for breaking the lease also. All that together adds up to almost 2k, which I don't have laying around right now. Moving out would cost me money too, which I am trying to save up. I've checked into different apartment complexes here in town to find one that fits what I'm looking for. I have a cat, so I need to figure that into the equation. Pets=higher security deposits. So, it's not that I can move out and just haven't. I've set the process of moving out in motion, just like I said I would in a previous post.

 

No, it may not be my responsibility to provide them with food and heat. But I won't just move out of here knowing that what she makes isn't enough for them to survive on, and just leave them here to sink. I wouldn't do that to anyone, let alone my best friend. Sorry, that won't happen. I treat others the way I want to be treated and I wouldn't want one of my friends to screw me over that way. I'm doing what I can to get out of this situation.

 

I'm sure you feel your situation and feelings are different and unique, but that's how we ALL feel, particularly when we are making bad decisions for ourselves. You already know what the smart and healthy thing to do is: Move out, let them sink or swim financially as all adults must, break your co-dependency from them, conquer your "I suck at girl-getting" fears and work at moving on. And, this way, you get to keep the friendship with him, at least. But you're trying so hard to engineer what you WANT into "the right thing to do" when it clearly isn't. But you're so clouded by your feelings for her that you're going to end up losing it all.

 

Don't assign yourself the label of "that guy." That's the kind of stuff that'll creep into your thoughts when you go to bed at night for the next 40 years, long after they've both disappeared from your life.

Good luck, man.

 

You and a few other people will have a problem with me saying this... but I hope neither one of them will disappear from my life.

[TRaczaj]

This would be good for you TR. I say you go for it. Take the break you need and clear your head.

 

Mea:)

 

Yea... A few days away from the world might do wonders for me. I'll have to talk to my boss and see when I can get time off. Right now we've been working a lot of mandatory weekends.

[CLC2008]

Excuse my ignorance, but if your friend was so "OK" with sharing his gf physically with you then he was obviously able to separate himself from her emotionally. In which case, he should have no problem hearing about your feelings, right?

 

If not, then the reason you are keeping it to yourself, is not because you don't want to "hurt" him.

 

In any case, I think your thread is an example of your desire to rationalize your own motive in this. Hopefully, you will come to terms with it and realize that you deserve more then what you've been giving yourself.

[TRaczaj]

Excuse my ignorance, but if your friend was so "OK" with sharing his gf physically with you then he was obviously able to separate himself from her emotionally. In which case, he should have no problem hearing about your feelings, right?

 

If not, then the reason you are keeping it to yourself, is not because you don't want to "hurt" him.

 

In any case, I think your thread is an example of your desire to rationalize your own motive in this. Hopefully, you will come to terms with it and realize that you deserve more then what you've been giving yourself.

 

He kinda knows how I feel... I don't know if you read the whole thread or just the first few posts... (And I wouldn't be offended if you didn't read the whole thread. It's a long one.) I say he kinda knows because of the argument we had. We did a lot of talking that night.

 

And it was after that argument that I messed around with her the second time.

 

As far as why he let's me do those things with her... I can't explain that. I have a pretty good theory though. I think it turns him on seeing her with another guy. And he figures it's probably better with me then some stranger. That's just my educated guess though.

 

It's strange, I know...

 

But I don wish people here would stop questioning my motives. I am doing what I can to make this situation better for all of us. I can't just pack up and move, it takes some preparation. And I already said in a previous post that I plan on taking the move in small steps so it's not so shocking to all involved.

 

My reason for posting this thread was to sort out my feelings in this situation. Most people who know me don't take me seriously... and it's a little sad and a little initiating. I am always counted on to be the funny guy who gets drunk and tells funny stories and does embarrassing stuff for everyone else's entertainment. I can talk to my friend about deeper things, and for too long I waited and didn't talk to him about this issue. And, I can talk to her about serious things. That's one of the main reasons I have these feelings for her. I found someone I could talk to and felt really connected with, who didn't just expect me to be their Court Jester all the time... So, rather then try to seek this comfort level with people offline, which takes time, I decided to seek the opinions of strangers on an internet forum.

[Meaplus3]

 

My reason for posting this thread was to sort out my feelings in this situation.

 

Then keep posting.. it will help you to ait your thoughts and sort this out.

 

 

I can talk to her about serious things. That's one of the main reasons I have these feelings for her. I found someone I could talk to and felt really connected with, who didn't just expect me to be their Court Jester all the time... So, rather then try to seek this comfort level with people offline, which takes time, I decided to seek the opinions of strangers on an internet forum.

 

And I know how this feels, but..... she is not yours for the taking . If she is no longer with your friend by choice.. then you'd have more ground to stand on. In the mean time, your going to have to figure out a way to either move on or coexsist in this situation in a some what normal fashion. The choice is yours.

 

Mea:)

[SadandConfusedWA]

I get the intuitive feeling that you are mixing up fantasy and reality in this thread. Some parts just don't ring true, but I do beleive that you are pining over someone. All I will say is that "unrequited love" is the biggest waste of time, emotional and mental energy. It is like you are putting all your energy into this big void. When you look back at this few years later, you will kick yourself for not snaping out of it.

[TRaczaj]

I get the intuitive feeling that you are mixing up fantasy and reality in this thread. Some parts just don't ring true, but I do beleive that you are pining over someone. All I will say is that "unrequited love" is the biggest waste of time, emotional and mental energy. It is like you are putting all your energy into this big void. When you look back at this few years later, you will kick yourself for not snaping out of it.

 

What doesn't ring true?

 

Going to my Uncle's place this weekend...

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

Interesting thread.

 

I know I'm very cynical. You've written that you care for your friends a great deal. But I'm suspicious of there attitude towards you.

 

The timing of the second intimate encounter coming on the heels of your near decision to move out to your moms is suspect to me. You know your friends best but this seems dicey.

 

Maybe it is as another poster mentioned that you all are codependent.

[TRaczaj]

Interesting thread.

 

I know I'm very cynical. You've written that you care for your friends a great deal. But I'm suspicious of there attitude towards you.

 

The timing of the second intimate encounter coming on the heels of your near decision to move out to your moms is suspect to me. You know your friends best but this seems dicey.

 

Maybe it is as another poster mentioned that you all are codependent.

 

Well, we all three had our big blowout two weeks before we all messed around. You're right, not much time.

 

I don't think it was pre meditated on their part though. We all three were drunk, and from what I can remember (memory as foggy as it is of that moment) it was me who started with them. Or I should say with her... The two of them were messing around and I think I roiled over and started touching her.

 

What are you thinking their attitude toward me is?

 

Maybe we are all codependent on each other, Idk. I don't want to move out, and it seems like they don't want me to move out. But I'm still working toward moving out...

 

I'm really tired today. So if my post seems really blah that would be why.

[SadandConfusedWA]

What doesn't ring true?

 

Going to my Uncle's place this weekend...

 

 

Your sexual scenarios seem a bit fanciful.

[Meaplus3]

What are you thinking their attitude toward me is?

 

 

 

My bet is they view you as a dear friend... and of course roomate.

 

Maybe we are all codependent on each other, Idk. I don't want to move out, and it seems like they don't want me to move out. But I'm still working toward moving out.

..

 

 

Very possible.. and if that is the case is this scenerio really a healthy one? I think you heading in the right direction if your planning to move out.

 

 

Mea:)