appletree Posted January 5, 2004 Posted January 5, 2004 Should I send her on her way or Take Her Back and fix things? I'm 29, my girlfriend is 25. we've been together 4 years, Lived together 3. We had a great relationship, So much in common, respectful to each other, So In Love. But in the past 3 months, she keeps breaking up with me because she feels unhappy with her life, like she needs to be on her own to find herself, be independent. She's done it twice now, gone to live with her sis then begged me to take her back and make things better. So I did, then she left me again. As it stands right now, She wants to talk to me tomorrow night because, she wants to make things better again and wants deperately to stay with me, But i don't think it's the right thing to do. As bad as I want to take her back because I love her so much and wanted her to be my wife someday, I really think she needs to figure stuff out on her own. She's telling me that she truly knows now, that the one thing she knows she wants in her life is to be with me...and she can figure out all her other life stuff and still love me. Altough I don't want to turn her love away because I'm yearning for it so much, A big part of me is thinking I need to....I thought for sure we were splitting for good...I Love her a lot, I want to help her but I don't know how to. What do you guys think I should do???
dyermaker Posted January 5, 2004 Posted January 5, 2004 If you don't want this to keep happening, let her get her own personal issues resolved before getting involved with her. [font=arial]So I said goodbye to all my friends And packed my hopes inside a matchbox 'Cause I know it's time to fly [/font]
Errol Posted January 5, 2004 Posted January 5, 2004 Instead of jumping right back into the middle of the old relationship, just tell her that she hurt you and made you think about your own needs and individualism and that you would like to date, but that you want to take it very slow - maybe not even an exclusive dating scenario. That way you can go on and get together with others and grow yourself and decide if you are really ready to settle down with one person. She's had you to always go back to and yet she was free to do what she wanted. That's fine to make sure you are ready to marry by experiencing life on your own, but it is not fair--in fact it is selfish and rude-- to expect your partner to be waiting for you to return and to be the same way as when you left. Don't wait for her on her terms.
NatoPMT Posted January 5, 2004 Posted January 5, 2004 hi apple, am glad for you that you have a real opportunity at a second chance, you clearly want that very very much. take things v v slowly, snails pace, what youve tried before hasnt worked and theres a possibility that you may be repeating behaviour and ending up in a destructive cycle but you have the ability and inclination to turn this situation into a positive experience for you both. i agree with errol and dyermaker but theres no reason why you cant help her with her issues and use it to build on what you already have - sounds like shes pretty desperate to sort things out and may try to rush you to be at her speed but you can take control of this situation and make it as right as possible. i dont agree that it doesnt have to be exclusive, you risk further distrust and problems if there are others involved although it would help you keep some perspective, i imagine you arent interested in seeing other people anyway. dont move back in together, see each other for coffee and let her know you want to work things out, but on your terms, whatever they may be. help her figure stuff out, listen to her on a level of friendship and you are sure to find insights that will help you make the correct decision as well as rebuilding your relationship. good luck!!
Author appletree Posted January 6, 2004 Author Posted January 6, 2004 Thank you Big and Thank You all. Thanks for the wish of luck, I'm actually going to have dinner and talk to her tonite rather than tomorrow. Hopefully it'll go well. All in all, I just want her to be happy.
NatoPMT Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 no worries, and course you want her to be happy, but DONT FORGET ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS. lets us know how you get on!
Author appletree Posted January 6, 2004 Author Posted January 6, 2004 turns out that she really is confused, She thought she wanted to make things work but still can't get those feelings out of the way. She wants to move on. She says she feels it's so good and so wonderful and so perfect with me, that she loves me and wants that life together with me, But that right now just isn't the time. She needs to get some things out of the way first. She needs to be by herself for a while. Which i understand. I'm using my brain and not my heart so much. So i told her that I'm here for her and that I wish we could work things out too, But that I just don't think now is the time. She needs to figure out her life and what she wants. So she is going to move out. That's where it stands I just begged her not to go back and forth with her feelings with me, because it hurts too much. She needs to be free and all in all we need to split and get on with our own lives. Maybe somewhere down the road we'll be together again, but for now, This is the best thing for both of us i think.
NatoPMT Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 i am so sorry - you are exceptionally level headed - you are doing the right thing. it sounds like you 2 have a lot to deal with and you are going about it the right way. my previous advice still stands i really hope you work things out when the times right - whatever happens will be for the best, it usually is. the best of luck to you, i hope you find the happiness you clearly deserve. everyone on LS will be here for you if you want to talk about it.
maxmuscle Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 appletree, I feel you. My ex was yarning for the single life. She wanted to feel alive and free. She wanted to experience life fast and furious.The Relationships was not important to her. So I left her alone. She started emailing me, calling me and asking me questions. I fell into the trap of expressing how much i missed her and love her, but I never ask for a second chance. Then i told her not to email or call anymore. She was like wow. Then she called me to say she love me and miss me. The the minute I started to do the same she fell back into a shell. So I am just going to leave her completely alone until she firguree out what she truly want. You are doing to the right thing. Let her find her way. Once she realizes you are important to her, the games will stop!
Author appletree Posted January 7, 2004 Author Posted January 7, 2004 It's tough..I have days where I'm totally cool and then I have days where I'm just missing her a lot. My heart isn't broken because I'll be without a girlfriend, or without someone to spend time with, or because I'll be alone, I'm not afraid to be alone.....My heart is broken because It's HER. She is the one. The girl of my dreams is leaving and there's no real assurance that we'll ever be together again. People change. People Grow. Who knows what will happen. I'm just going to do my own thing. I don't want anyone else right now. I'd just rather be on my own. Focus on me. I never even looked at any other girls or thought about any other girls for 4 years. she was it for me. So anyway, I'll be fine, Once she moves out it will be easier to try and let her go. Since she's still got things here and pictures of "us" up on the walls, it makes it hard to get on with things. I'll be cool, I know I'm strong, I just have those downer days.
SoleMate Posted January 7, 2004 Posted January 7, 2004 You two are the perfect candidates for couples counselling. I recommend it based on personal experience. You've got so many things going for you...and sounds like you both are strongly attached to this relationship. There's been no real damage done, right? - just confusion and pain. A counselor can help you both set goals for the relationship and fulfill them. Not sure from your posts whether her last word was "ON" or "OFF". Either way, I would suggest to ask her to join you for counselling - set a plan of, say, five sessions, and see if you are making satisfactory progress. If she won't go, then I would suggest breaking it off. But it will be hard for both of you to let go, when there is a lot pulling you together and perhaps just some relatively small problems pushing you apart. Counselling will bring clarity for both of you. Good luck!
Author appletree Posted January 7, 2004 Author Posted January 7, 2004 You know a friend of mine mentioned counselling. But Counselling just seems like something married couples do. I mean, I think she could possibly use some counselling to figure out what it is that she wants out of life. She really seems confused. She Loves me so much, but she's bummed about where she's headed with her life, not so much with me, she knows what we have is great, i guess she feels she needs to discover things on her own away from me. So I think couselling would be good for her and in fact, she mentioned she thinks it would be a good idea as well, But we never talked about Couple Counselling and I never brought it up because the core of the problem is her confusion and depression with feeling she hasn't accomplished stuff in her life.
SoleMate Posted January 7, 2004 Posted January 7, 2004 You know a friend of mine mentioned counselling. But Counselling just seems like something married couples do. Common misconception. Couples counselling is something committed couples do (not with your ONS or two week sweeties, obviously). I got counselling with my boyfriend, and we later married. Couples counselling can address your girlfriend's individual issues, be they confusion or depression, and also will address shared issues, like trust, expectations, decision making, you supporting her in her personal growth, etc. And your girlfriend wants counselling???? She's trying to fix your lives together, but needs help from you. Step up, be a man, make an appointment together, get your lives where you want them to be. I hope you will not let this mistaken idea keep you from fixing your (potentially) most important relationship of your life.
Author appletree Posted January 7, 2004 Author Posted January 7, 2004 She's SO important to me. But I'm trying to let her do what she needs to do for herself. I Mean She does keep coming to me for help because she's so confused and Of Course, I'm pretty much her best friend and her boyfriend(well ex, right now), I care about her very much, So I want to help her. Part of me feels that we've been thru too much good stuff to end it all like this. But then another part of me feels that we've been together so long that, maybe she needs to be without me if she's having these feelings because she needs to grow on her own. I try to keep my own needs and feelings on hold to help her out with figuring out what she wants. I mean she has at times cried in my arms telling me she's so confused and that she needs help. I've told her: Let's make things better, Let's move into a 2 bedroom and have our own spaces and our own rooms, yet still be together, no pressures, no stress Do our own things, I'll help you with whatever you need, be there for you, You can figure out your career, i'll encourage you, Just make things better and you can still figure out what you want out of life. You're not worthless, It's not hopeless"...But Then I keep thinking we just need time away from each other. Otherwise we'll end up right back where we are right now. Getting couple Counselling sounds great but...I Guess when I think Couple Counselling, To me it's a way to fix us and get us on the right track to getting back together and I don't want to pressure her into staying, if that's not what she needs. But again I shouldn't knock it before I try it. I'm actually scared for her, she's my love, my baby I don't want to see her with so much confusion and stress. Thinking about her being out on her own worries me. I want her to be safe out there on her own. I want to take care of her so bad. But that little voice inside keeps telling me, She Needs To Be On Her Own, Let Her Go, If She Stays, She'll resent you for not doing what she should have done.
SoleMate Posted January 7, 2004 Posted January 7, 2004 Couples counselling does NOT pressure her into staying. Decide on a goal with your gf/ex, and then tell the counselor what the goal is on your first appointment. The goal could be, "Help us make a good decision about whether to stay together or split up". BTW, I'm getting a little tired today, giving people excellent advice and then hearing them argue with it. I feel for your pain, and I know a way to cope. You will be feeling 10 times better after your first appointment - just because you will have made some progress and will not be flogging the same old issues in the same old way that has been keeping you both in agonizing limbo. <rant on> OK, go ahead, ignore my advice, keep doing what you were doing, ignore the advice of your friend and the tearful request of your gf/ex.....<rant off>
NatoPMT Posted January 7, 2004 Posted January 7, 2004 apple - you are thinking of her, you are worried that COUPLE counselling is best for you and not her and you are worried that the help you know she needs will be hindered if you are present in the counselling with her. is that right? sole - does couple counsellling help the individual as well as the couple? i have no idea if it focuses on just the 2 people as a unit rather than the individuals issues with life outside the relationship
Author appletree Posted January 7, 2004 Author Posted January 7, 2004 I mean No disrespect to Solemate at all. The fact is my girlfriend(ex) seems like she is in such a Fragile State. We broke up once before for the same reasons, but she came back to me wanting to fix things. I tried like hell to make things better and do things differently, But she didn't and she fell into that slump again...which is why we broke up again.(by the way, it's always me going to her trying to find out what's wrong, never her coming to me, She's not good at expressing her feelings) So I don't think fixing US should be the priority, it should be Fixing HER, Getting her on the right track. I'm not knocking Couple Counselling, I just didn't understand excatly what it was before. Sorry if you're offended, didn't mean it that way. It's just a really weird and hard situation. She wants to have dinner again with me tonite, I think I should talk her into talking to a counsellor but I'll go with her as a friend, not as her ex-boyfriend.
sullenboy Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 If it's True Love, Don't let her go, Convince her to stay. This is a crazy world. Life is too short. Tell her you love her and would do anything for her, that she is your true love!
NatoPMT Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 apple - it wasnt offensive in the slightest, i saw the exact same questions that you were wondering about too, and i think in the first instance, and quickly - you need to establish which option is the best way forward to help your ex. will PM sole to see if she knows, but i guess the easiest way to find out is to ask the professionals. have you already mentioned the counselling idea or will this be the first time it is raised? she must be a good person for you to choose her to be with, i am finding your story very touching. fingers are tightly crossed for you both. let us know what happens at dinner.
SoleMate Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 OK, maybe I flew off the handle a bit. My apologies. Couples counselling will work on the couple first and foremost, and also on some smaller individual issues. If the counsellor feels one or both parties has issues that need solo attention (say, depression), he/she will refer the individual to a different counselor and will coordinate therapy. So the two of you would see one counsellor, and then your ex/gf would see a second one. Sounds like a lot of counselling, but hey, what do you do when your truck starts making a horrible thumping noise in the engine compartment? Just tell it to "Be strong and have some space"?
Author appletree Posted January 8, 2004 Author Posted January 8, 2004 Thank you all for your help and advice, If you ever need help, I'm here for you guys.... We had dinner last night and it was fine. We got on normally, talked about things, tried to make light of everything and have fun but then we moved to the conversation and the conclusion was the same, she's going to move out. she actually was able to talk about moving and Apartments a lot easier w/o crying or getting sad. She did tear up a few times and some things she didn't want to talk about like Who will take What when she moves.. She's going to stay in the house with me til she moves, which looks like it'll be next month possibly, her and her friend are apartment hunting today. It's just strange because we still hold hands when we walk we still hug each other and last night when we got home, we snuggled up on the couch and watched tv then we got some sleep. I don't want to push for us to Date or try and make things work right now. I kind of want to just see how it goes and see what happens. The Things is, she's Knows what we have but needs to be out on her own. I can't blame her. She mentioned it's like: Me and Our Relationship together is like a beautiful, fun, intoxicating island where everything is so beautiful and relaxing and fun for her. She wants to stay so bad and hates to leave it but, she doesn't feel ready for it. She feels that there are things she needs to clean up and things she needs to sort out and things she needs to figure out before she can truly be happy and return back to the island(i.e. "Me"). She says she knows it sounds so selfish but that she wishes that I would wait for her. I'm not planning on seeing anyone else. That is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm just going to help her out and be here for her as much as I can without smothering her or bombarding her. she's my favorite person in the whole world, I just want to see her happy and things sorted out for her. We'll see how things go, I thank you all very much for all of your help.
klinghoffer Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 I'm letting my girl Go. That's what she wants, so That's what I want to give her. I can Play the Fairytale, prince and princess Card and confess my undying love for her and tell how We are Meant to Be Or Blast our love song on a Radio to her window like John Cusack in "Say Anything" Or any other good Romantic movie, But the truth is, Will it really fix anything. As long as you were good to her and as long as you did all you could to show her love and was always there for her, You've done all you can. You can't force someone to feel things they don't feel or do things they don't want to do. Just be a man and Be that one positive thing in her life. Be that ray of hope for her. I'm sure it's difficult for her to leave you. Seems like from what you're saying, she DOES love you. She'll do her thing, get career counselling and personal well being counselling, Become a better more focused person and then who knows, she may come back to you. Don't hate her and don't be bitter. You love her, so do just that. But also love yourself and do what you need to do for yourself.
InLoKo Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 klinghoffer - That's one of the best posts I've ever read on here!!
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